Do I have a reason???

[Paranoid]

Hey everyone...I am really bad at telling if or when I am over reacting or not so I think I need a little advice on that right now. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and our realtionship is great.....its just that I have a really really hard time trusting people because of a lot of reasons....anyway, I don't have any reason in the world not to trust my wonderful boyfriend, but its like I get caught up in this jealousy thing and I am suddenly this person that I really am not at all. Anyways, we love eachother so much and everything is great except for the fact that his ex has been calling him...I guess you could say they have weird relationship. I see this girl as my competition and she drives me crazy because of this...anyway, I was kinda looking on his cell phone and saw her name on there 3 in a row times under the dialed calls, and he denies ever calling her...is that weird? Another thing is that all of the calls were when I wasn't around, like either in class or at work or something. Its like he almost gets defensive about her, and that is really intimidating/weird to me. He hasn't always been completely straight with me about her in the past either, nothing big, just little things, like he has lied about talking to her before...I might sound like I am this psycho possesive girlfriend, which, I promise I am not, but I just really don't know what to think. Is it unfair to ask him so many questions about her and their current relationship? There are so many other things that I could get into about my boyfriend and his ex's realtionship, but I will save you the agony...One little FYI, I know he hasn't seen her in a really long time, at least as far as I know, anyways, I think you get the picture...I just don't know how to take all this...Please help me... Thanks

[Miss Mojo]

hi paranoid,

 

it strikes me that maybe your boyfriend hasn't been totally straight with you - not because he has anything to hide - but because he knows how you will react, or perhaps, *overreact*.

 

i don't really think the most important thing here is whether or not you can trust your boyfriend (although it is of SOME importance). i think the issue here is how you see yourself...are you good enough? are you deserving enough? are you pretty/funny/smart enough? etc

 

of course you are. but you have to believe it first.

 

if you have been cheated on or lied to by a guy in the past, or if your parents have never been people you can trust with your emotions then you must try to understand that the way you are behaving now is a learned thing. negative descriptions given to you by members of your family of origin or peer group when you were younger onto which you hold even to this day will affect how you feel about yourself. you have learned to react to certain events through experience. just think...people who have never been cheated on or let down by people who are important to them and people whose self-esteem has always been nurtured are the ones who learn to trust. they are learning to behave a certain way because of experience.

 

this kind of behaviour can be un-learned. but the only way you can do this is by reaffirming your self-worth and learning to be confident in who you are. you need to change certain negative and self-depreciating beliefs about yourself (and about life) if you want to succeed at the things that are important to you. do you realise that the things about yourself, lets call them flaws because *every one of us* have them, are things that 9 out of 10 people will never even notice? so why draw attention to them?

 

to trust in yourself, to be aware of all your good qualities and accept your faults is vital to finding peace of mind. it's not always an easy thing to do, but it something i have found becomes easier to do as you get older.

 

and one last bit of advice - the more you put yourself down, the more you overreact and the more IRRATIONAL you behave, the bigger the chance that your boyfriend will walk away.

 

self-affirmations are vehicles by which you can free yourself from the over-dependence on other's opinions, attitudes, or feelings about you and feel good about yourself. examples are: i am competent...i am strong...i am generous...i am sharing...i am thoughtful...i am sexy....i am funny....etc you could also incorporate...i can let go of fear....i can be positive....i can gain self-confidence....i can have fun....i can laugh....

 

visualise a new order and sense in your life, which you can work toward achieving. the last thing you want is to lose control of your own emotions.

 

there is nothing you cannot handle. if you can change the way you think about yourself, you are working towards a blessing (and very fulfilling relationships).

 

best wishes

[Laurynn]

Hi there,

 

No, I don't think you're paranoid at all. Your 'gut' is obviously trying to get your attention to 'something'....but what is that something?

 

If I was with someone who denied talking to his ex/calling her, but his cell showed otherwise, yeah, I'd be suspicious and weirded out, also. Have been in those shoes before, in fact.

 

You mentioned that there are a lot of other things that you could get into, about your bf's and his ex's relationship...maybe it would help give us a better picture of things if you told us a few of them?

 

How long has it been since he was in a relationship with her?

 

How long after breaking up with her (by the way, WHO broke up with WHO?) did he begin seeing you? Did he go straight from her to you?

 

How long had they been together?

 

Has he ever mentioned "what" the cause of them breaking up WAS?

 

How long has this been going on, you having reason to believe he's still talking to her but him denying same? Other than the recent "cell phone proof" do you have anything else (concrete)?

 

Are there any other things he's not totally truthful about?

 

How is your relationship in general?

 

Has he ever cheated on you?

 

Laurynn

[midori]

It sounds to me like you're being perfectly reasonable. It's one thing to be suspicious without cause, but you've been responding to his evasiveness about his ex. Why can't he be straightforward about his relationship with her? If they're friends, what's the problem, right? I've been exactly where you are and it really irritated me. For what it's worth, it was a sign I didn't recognize at the time: my boyfriend had (has, but he's my ex now) enormous problems with relationship boundaries, with intimacy and with being real in a relationship. He never cheated on me with anyone -- certainly not the ex he was being cagey about -- but his inability to recognize that his "friendship" with this ex was not a real friendship (she, apparently, couldn't deal with hearing about him being with me), and his refusal to see that by indulging her he was creating a situation that was very unfair to me, were two big arrows pointing to the exit sign. I chose to ignore them.

 

What I'm getting at is that things might be perfectly innocent between them -- that is to say, no 'cheating' per say. But he's not honoring his relationship with you by having a "friendship" that must necessarily exclude you and which he feels compelled to hide from you. He's perfectly within his rights to have whatever friends he chooses, but if that friendship is one that doesn't even acknowledge his relationship with you, there's something wrong. He's also denying you the opportunity to show that you're a reasonable, understanding person who would be fine with his friendship with his ex if he'd just bring it out into the daylight. Does he think so little of you, assuming that you will erupt in a fit of jealousy if he so much as mentions her name?

 

I could go on all day about this because it's a real sore spot for me. But here's what I'd recommend. Be really straight with your bf and say, "look, I know you & Jane are still in touch and that's not something that bothers me in and of itself. But I don't like how weird you are about it, why you always try to downplay the amount of time you talk to her or even lie about it. It makes me feel like you think I'm irrationally jealous. Which is unfair and insulting to me because I've given you no reason to think that about me. If you guys are friends that shouldn't be something you have to hide from me. If you can't be honest with me I'll have to assume that there's stuff you don't want me to know about."

 

Don't even go into how you know he's lied in the past. He knows it and so do you. If he denies that he has been less than forthcoming, if he doesn't recognize how unfair he has been to you then *please* take that to heart. This is not someone who is really ready to have an intimate emotional connection to one other person. He doesn't want to have all of his emotional eggs in one basket, so to speak, he prefers to spread those eggs around -- several for you (at the moment), a couple for the ex girlfriend, etc. If you're looking for real intimacy and commitment it won't be him.

 

But hopefully he'll wake up and realize how silly and thoughtless he has been. Good luck!

[BeenThere]

Yep...Been There too! And I always say, there's no such thing a paranoia -- only "heightened awareness."

 

But all sarcasm aside, the reasons why your boyfriend has not put closure on this past relationship is only secondary to the real issue here. Even if they are just 'buddies', he is being evasive which undermines the trust you need to establish a solid foundation. There's a big red flag waving here. Especially if he seems ambivalent to the fact that this situation bothers you. The fact that he contacts her when you're not around to avoid confrontation is a poor "excuse" at best. If this was as innocent as he would have you believe, than he would make his telephone calls in your presence&you would have met this woman by now and have been included in their friendship.

 

When I addressed the same issue a little over a year ago with my own boyfriend, I was told the reason why I wasn't informed about the lunch date with a gal-pal, the phone calls or emails from ex-lovers, or the strip club in Philly, was because it was no big deal to him so he didn't think it was worth mentioning. The problem was, these things WERE an issue for me...issues we had discussed over and over again. And even after reaching what I thought was a mutual agreement --- he carried on anyway. What this showed me was that he lacked sincerity; had total disregard for my feelings; that his loyalty to his ex-girlfriends took precedence over me; and that what we had (or what I thought we had) was only secondary to this secret life he was living outside of our relationship.

 

As the second half of this 'relationship,' you have every right to question his association with this ex-girlfriend. Pick up the phone and dial her number yourself if you're not getting the answers you need. Forget about looking silly or paranoid...YOU are the woman in his life now, and if both of them fail to realize this than its time to make a hasty retreat. Set your boundaries and stand firm. No one has the power to take advantage of you unless you allow it...nor the right to keep you in the dark.

 

Hey everyone...I am really bad at telling if or when I am over reacting or not so I think I need a little advice on that right now. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and our realtionship is great.....its just that I have a really really hard time trusting people because of a lot of reasons....anyway, I don't have any reason in the world not to trust my wonderful boyfriend, but its like I get caught up in this jealousy thing and I am suddenly this person that I really am not at all. Anyways, we love eachother so much and everything is great except for the fact that his ex has been calling him...I guess you could say they have weird relationship. I see this girl as my competition and she drives me crazy because of this...anyway, I was kinda looking on his cell phone and saw her name on there 3 in a row times under the dialed calls, and he denies ever calling her...is that weird? Another thing is that all of the calls were when I wasn't around, like either in class or at work or something. Its like he almost gets defensive about her, and that is really intimidating/weird to me. He hasn't always been completely straight with me about her in the past either, nothing big, just little things, like he has lied about talking to her before...I might sound like I am this psycho possesive girlfriend, which, I promise I am not, but I just really don't know what to think. Is it unfair to ask him so many questions about her and their current relationship? There are so many other things that I could get into about my boyfriend and his ex's realtionship, but I will save you the agony...One little FYI, I know he hasn't seen her in a really long time, at least as far as I know, anyways, I think you get the picture...I just don't know how to take all this...Please help me... Thanks

[Gweedo]

If he's lying to you about his ex-girlfriend, dump him. Think about this: If he's lying to you about her, then what else is he lying about?

Hey everyone...I am really bad at telling if or when I am over reacting or not so I think I need a little advice on that right now. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and our realtionship is great.....its just that I have a really really hard time trusting people because of a lot of reasons....anyway, I don't have any reason in the world not to trust my wonderful boyfriend, but its like I get caught up in this jealousy thing and I am suddenly this person that I really am not at all. Anyways, we love eachother so much and everything is great except for the fact that his ex has been calling him...I guess you could say they have weird relationship. I see this girl as my competition and she drives me crazy because of this...anyway, I was kinda looking on his cell phone and saw her name on there 3 in a row times under the dialed calls, and he denies ever calling her...is that weird? Another thing is that all of the calls were when I wasn't around, like either in class or at work or something. Its like he almost gets defensive about her, and that is really intimidating/weird to me. He hasn't always been completely straight with me about her in the past either, nothing big, just little things, like he has lied about talking to her before...I might sound like I am this psycho possesive girlfriend, which, I promise I am not, but I just really don't know what to think. Is it unfair to ask him so many questions about her and their current relationship? There are so many other things that I could get into about my boyfriend and his ex's realtionship, but I will save you the agony...One little FYI, I know he hasn't seen her in a really long time, at least as far as I know, anyways, I think you get the picture...I just don't know how to take all this...Please help me... Thanks

[Angie]

Honey I was there----dump him. He should consider your feelings and if he doesn't he's not worth it. TELL HIM TO GO BACK TO HER. Your story sounds like my previous relationship and I got out too late (he was seeing her too).

 

Get out---he will break your heart.

Hey everyone...I am really bad at telling if or when I am over reacting or not so I think I need a little advice on that right now. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and our realtionship is great.....its just that I have a really really hard time trusting people because of a lot of reasons....anyway, I don't have any reason in the world not to trust my wonderful boyfriend, but its like I get caught up in this jealousy thing and I am suddenly this person that I really am not at all. Anyways, we love eachother so much and everything is great except for the fact that his ex has been calling him...I guess you could say they have weird relationship. I see this girl as my competition and she drives me crazy because of this...anyway, I was kinda looking on his cell phone and saw her name on there 3 in a row times under the dialed calls, and he denies ever calling her...is that weird? Another thing is that all of the calls were when I wasn't around, like either in class or at work or something. Its like he almost gets defensive about her, and that is really intimidating/weird to me. He hasn't always been completely straight with me about her in the past either, nothing big, just little things, like he has lied about talking to her before...I might sound like I am this psycho possesive girlfriend, which, I promise I am not, but I just really don't know what to think. Is it unfair to ask him so many questions about her and their current relationship? There are so many other things that I could get into about my boyfriend and his ex's realtionship, but I will save you the agony...One little FYI, I know he hasn't seen her in a really long time, at least as far as I know, anyways, I think you get the picture...I just don't know how to take all this...Please help me... Thanks