Am I over reacting??

[notwhoiam]

Hi. I came across this forum while searching the net for answers to my questions and thought I'd just ask for myself.. Before I come right out and ask I guess I'll give a little background information.

 

My girl and I have been together a little under a year, and although we each have our own apartments, she usually stays with me, and for the past several months has basically lived WITH me. (she has her own set of keys and everything...) I guess my point is that it's a pretty serious relationship. (at least I consider it to be..)

 

We've had some trust issues in the past. When we met eachother she was still in a long distance relationship and I was still in regular contact with my recent ex. She broke up with him for me, and over the course of a couple arguments we agreed the best way to handle each others recent break-ups was to promise eachother we would stop talking to our ex's.

 

A few months later I discovered that although she had promised me that, she changed nothing and was talking to him about 20 hours a month on the phone. That issue was slowly (and painfully) resolved and her phone calls to him declined to almost none (although it bothers me to this day that when I made that promise I meant it and ceased ALL contact with my ex, but to this day she will still talk to hers a couple times a month... I guess I just have to deal with that..

 

ANYWHO.. Things were fine until about a month or so ago when she started getting phone calls and texts from another guy at odd hours; really late at night or early in the morning while we're getting ready for work. I noticed a couple of these text messages saying things like, "good morning baby, have a good day!" or "hey sexy, what you up to tonight?"

 

She insists it's just a friend of hers (actually a friend of her original ex boyfriend...) and dismisses him as harmless, and that I shouldn't worry about him. Well I asked that she ask him to stop calling and texting her at those hours; it just made me a little uncomfortable. She said she did.

 

Last night when we're watching TV he calls her again, she ignores the phone call, and he responds with a text saying "hey sexy, what r u up 2?" I ask her to reply that she's hanging out with her boyfriend, she's with Matt (me), anything to make it blatantly obvious that she was with me. She refuses, becomes angry with me, and says to let it go. After a few minutes of thinking about it I ask again and she says she won't even discuss it with me and that "it's a dead issue and she'll take care of it tomorrow."

 

Here the question: (finally!)

 

I've had a whole day to think about this and it still bothers me. Some guy is straight up hitting on my girlfriend, and she refuses to acknowledge that I even exist to him. Although she says she's told him who I am, she won't do it in front of me. Should I pursue this issue further with her or just suck it up and move on? I mean, if it still bothers me 24 hours later I would think it would be a relevant feeling, but maybe I'm over reacting. Is it wrong of me to ask her to tell her friends (most of whom I haven't met...) who I am?

[Star Gazer]

Is it wrong of me to ask her to tell her friends (most of whom I haven't met...) who I am?

 

Yes. Why? Because you shouldn't even have to ask to begin with. She should be telling him she has a BF voluntarily.

 

I suspect she's either not being faithful to you or is open to the possibility of being with someone else. Her behavior is shady, and if I were you I would feel justly entitled to demand some serious answers.

[oppath]

Yes. Why? Because you shouldn't even have to ask to begin with. She should be telling him she has a BF voluntarily.

 

I suspect she's either not being faithful to you or is open to the possibility of being with someone else. Her behavior is shady, and if I were you I would feel justly entitled to demand some serious answers.

 

Agreed. My breakup with my last official gf happened for this reason. She had a group of friends who were best friends with her ex of 5 years. They did not know about me after 6 months. Why? Because her ex would find out and his feelings would be hurt. It came to a head when she was too busy to see me when I came back from out of town because she was hanging out with them when I presumed we'd hang out to exchange x-mas gifts and celebrate my birthday. I tried to compromise and say "why don't you come over before to exchange gifts so we get some alone time, and then I can come with you to meet your friends."

 

She was not down for that. "I hardly see them." BS. While true, she had hung out with them a half dozen times since starting to date me.

 

"There is no reason for me not to be meeting the important people in your life. I allow you to meet all of my friends. I want to meet your friends because I want to meet the people important to you, I want to get to know that part of you."

 

More bs from her in return.

 

You have handled everything well. You let go of your ex completely out of respect for her. She is not respecting you.

 

In healthy relationships, you don't talk to ex's unless they know about the new bf, and you don't hang out with them without bringing your new bf/gf along. In healthy relationships, once you agree to exclusivity, you introduce your bf/gf to your friends and they are invited along every 2-3 times you go out. In healthy relationships, you say "I'm in a relationship and am not comfortable with our flirting."

 

She "SHOULD" be doing these things on her own. You have every reason to be upset that she is not and do not let her play the jealousy card. Turn the tables on her. Ask her how she would feel if you had a group of friends who did not know about her and if you were receiving text messages from girls saying "what's up sexy what are you doing tonight?"

[LotusLaLune]

Last night when we're watching TV he calls her again, she ignores the phone call, and he responds with a text saying "hey sexy, what r u up 2?" I ask her to reply that she's hanging out with her boyfriend, she's with Matt (me), anything to make it blatantly obvious that she was with me. She refuses, becomes angry with me, and says to let it go. After a few minutes of thinking about it I ask again and she says she won't even discuss it with me and that "it's a dead issue and she'll take care of it tomorrow."

 

There is no reason, if there really is NOT anything going on between her and this mystery man, that she wouldn't be able to fulfill your request. It is a valid concern and your feelings are equally justified. She is being totally inconsiderate of you and your feelings.

 

If she cared about you, she would understand your concern and put the situation to rest by telling this guy she's with you - there's absolutely no reason she shouldn't be able to do this; it's a perfectly legitimate request.

 

The fact that she got so upset about it implies that she feels guilty and is hiding something.

 

Confront her about the fact that you think she is being dishonest with you.

 

A lot of people might disagree with this suggestion, but I would start checking her phone to see what she really is (and is not) saying to this guy.

 

We live in a modern world of STDs and promiscuity and you have every right to take whichever actions to protect your body and mental health - if someone might be cheating on you, and that might be a way to find out - take advantage of it!

 

If you still don't find any proof, I would ask to meet this guy and talk it out with him in person - ask him yourself who he considers himself to be in relation to your girlfriend and why he won't stop talking to her.

[Jasmine8719]

First I don't mean to sound blunt or harsh...I think she's hiding something...And with the whole promising not to talk to your ex's...I really believe a promise is a promise and it's a trust thing too...how do you trust your girlfriend (or boyfriend) if they break a promise?...I think you need to sit down and have a real talk with her and she needs to be honest...receiving text messages with baby, or hi sexy I think is a little inappropriate. I think it would be diffrent if she was like "oh thats just george he always messes around like that" kinda thing...but if she is hiding it from you of who it is..or her not texting them back right away becuase shes afraid you'll see it is a little suspecious to me. So no your not overreacting..you need to talk to her;compromise what you want from her and what she wants from you...and if she still doesnt follow that... obviously the relationship isn't all that important to her

so good luck!

-Jasmine

[oppath]

If you feel disrespected by something, you are allowed to say "I feel disrespected by this. It makes me uncomfortable. I can't tell you what to do, but I request that you do something to ease that discomfort and disrespect. Can you understand why I would feel that way?"

 

If your SO can't validate how you feel even if they disagree with it, and make some sort of compromise to alleviate your discomfort, there is a problem in the relationship. We're not talking about what kind of cheese to put on a sandwich. You are allowed to make requests to you SO and if they care about you and your feelings they will validate them and do or say something. If they are unwilling, hey, maybe you are in the wrong (though not on this issue), and it signals something is unsound in the relationship.

[notwhoiam]

I agree with everything everyones said. Is it possible I'd rather try and deal with this kind of BS than go through the pain of breaking up? Am I just putting of the inevitable?

[oppath]

I agree with everything everyones said. Is it possible I'd rather try and deal with this kind of BS than go through the pain of breaking up? Am I just putting of the inevitable?

 

No, she may just be flirtatious, but I'd have a 2 . You need to calmly explain to her, without judgment, that you feel disrespected. That is not the same as saying she is disrespeting you or is a disrespectful person if you get my drift. You want to communicate how you FEEL when she behaves that way, not tell her "your behavior is wrong and has no place in a relationship."

 

So I'd write down a list of words about how you feel. Such as:

 

disrespected

invisible

unimportant (because you aren't allowed to meet some of the important people in her life)

 

etc.

 

If you don't focus on those feeling words, she'll get defensive and blame you. She can't very well argue if you feel invisible that some of her friends don't know or haven't met you. It's how you feel. She can't tell you "you are wrong for feeling that way." I'd honestly identify 5 words that describe how you feel about all these issues and bring those to her attention.

[notwhoiam]

No, she may just be flirtatious, but I'd have a 2 . You need to calmly explain to her, without judgment, that you feel disrespected. That is not the same as saying she is disrespeting you or is a disrespectful person if you get my drift. You want to communicate how you FEEL when she behaves that way, not tell her "your behavior is wrong and has no place in a relationship."

 

So I'd write down a list of words about how you feel. Such as:

 

disrespected

invisible

unimportant (because you aren't allowed to meet some of the important people in her life)

 

etc.

 

If you don't focus on those feeling words, she'll get defensive and blame you. She can't very well argue if you feel invisible that some of her friends don't know or haven't met you. It's how you feel. She can't tell you "you are wrong for feeling that way." I'd honestly identify 5 words that describe how you feel about all these issues and bring those to her attention.

 

 

I'll try this. Thanks.