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How many times to forgive husband who is still lying?


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How many times should I forgive my husband when he keeps Lying ? I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12. He’s always had the tendency to be overly nice / borderline flirtatious with women, despite how I feel about it.

Unfortunately, I’ve learned of his pattern of lying to me over and over. Though I’ve {stupidly} wanted to believe he would not lie if our marriage/relationship was good/strong enough.

History: I caught him lying once {before we were married, does it count against our relationship? } about being involved with a woman whom he claimed he was just a friends with. After some investigation on my own, I fond out she invited him to meet her at Victoria’s Secret so she could get his opinion of outfits she wanted to get for her own boyfriend.

A friend of mine & I went to the mall where they were meeting and he showed up at VS where she tried on outfits while he watched.

from there, they went to this women’s house. We found that out by going there ands saw his car parked in her driveway and all the lights were turned off inside

when I confronted him later on, he claimed he only went to meet her at VS because she wanted a mans opinion on what outfits her own BF would like. When I asked about him being at her house afterwards, he claimed he only went there to be a friend and “listen to her” ..................

I recently discovered he has this same woman’s current phone contact info on his cell phone. even though supposedly he has had nothing to do with her for years because he knows how strongly I felt about him lying top me about not being involved with her before.

 

Appox a month ago I found out he was having an affair with a woman in our re-enactment group that we’re members of. For some time I had a feeling that something was going on between them. After doing some investigation on my own, I found several e-mail letters detailing their affair. When I confronted about it, he claimed he was just friends with her because she had no one else who she could talk to etc.

And that he felt as if he had someone in turn to talk to a bout his problems etc. And that later on after talking and confiding in one another and find out they had things in common etc, they became closer and things turned from friendship into a actual affair to where they wrote e-mail back and forth detailing what they wanted to do to / each other the next time they were able to meet I have actual copies of these letters. [

 

-I also just found out he’s been seeing/confiding in{who knows what else} with secretary from his old company that he sold several months ago. [

after confronting him about this, I learned that this relationship/friendship or whatever it is, has been going on for 3 or more years at least and that it stared back when we were having marital problems of our own.

Because he felt he could not talk to me about whatever, he felt he had no one to turn to. Till he got invloved with this secretary.

His explanation about being invloved with her, he was only doing nice things for because he felt sorry for her and she had no one else to talk to about all her problems.

Some of the things I know he’s done for/with her: bought her a truck to get to and from work in{which his company paid for at the time.

a month ago he had taken her out for her birthday {dinner}

What made it deceitful was that he did this during one of his trips he made to our other house{that we’ve not sold yet} so that he could pick up more things to bring back here.

I remember him calling me that night from the restaurant he was supposedly eating alone at and going on and on about how his day went and all this other stuff.

After recently finding out though e-mails I read, I confronted him. he claimed he only took her out for dinner because he felt sorry for her not having any friends to go out with.

When I asked why if it was so innocent, did he not tell me about it, he said the reason he did not tell me was because he would not want me going to dinner with any men.

An even bigger thing is when he told me how she stole money from his company, but he never had her arrested because he felt sorry for her................

 

I’m not sure I can love him the way I used to. Because he isn't who I thought he was. More and more I see him as deceptive and a liar

What hurts & angers me the most, is the lies have not stopped since I first met him 15 years ago. He never came forward and told me about any of these affairs/ friendships he has with all these women and who knows how many more.

I do not like constantly wondering what else I will find out he’s been invloved in, some way or another. I hate being a detective in my marriage. I hate not knowing if I'll ever regain the trust I once had in him

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Wow. I am so sorry to hear about all this. I don't have the experience to give you advice on the cheating husband, but I have been cheated ON by a bf. Has your H expressed any remorse for any of this? Does he realize what he's done to you? Do you have children involved? I do NOT believe the old adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I'm living proof that its not true. But you can't continue a marriage with a man who's doing this...there are diseases out there! I say kick his butt out. If he wants back in, let him work for it. But it'd be up to HIM to keep me comfortable, because I wouldn't play detective, either. And no, you'll never feel the same about him again. Ever.

 

Do you WANT to continue your marriage?

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How many times to forgive husband who is still lying?

 

 

I can't answer that. It depends on YOU. How long are you willing to continue to put up with a liar? Its all in what you feel you can and can not tolerate, and what you feel is not respectable to you.

 

My guess is, he will continue to lie as long as you allow it.

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Wow, talk about dejavue! It is my story almost to a tee. Well, I hate to tell ya sister. But he is not going to change. Why? Cause he has not had to pay for any of his wrongs, and he doesn't have bounderies. I know exactly how you feel. Where to begin...

 

1. You can't believe this is your marriage--possibly a lie?

2. You can't trust him just to go to a store without wondering?

3. How can you get him to realize what a good wife he has?

4. If he wants to cheat why doesn't he just tell you?

5. How many others do I not know about?

6. What happens if we seperate? Where will I live?

7. Does he really love me? Or is this just so he has a maid for free? (lol)

8. Why does he continue to lie and hurt my feelings?

 

I could go on and on. Truth is - your going to go round and round, but it always comes back to a couple of questions. How long can I do this? What is it going to take to get him to stop and see what he has at home? Can I get the strength to go on without him if this doesn't work out?

 

Answer is YOU are the most important to YOU. Forget him, do what is best for you. He has been bitten by the bug. (Cheating bug) He refuses to see how destructive he is becoming. That is because he is in a fog. And his needs are being forfilled by this sick game. I tried everything, truth is--- it is HIS problem and I nor you cannot fix it for them. Not even to save your marriage. I am no quitter either. I've been doing this 2-3 years now. Now his last OW is pregnant he is not sure its his so we (not me him) has to take her to court to get a paternity test when baby is due (April 08). I have been tested for STD's so many times now that my Dr. shakes her head in disbelief. Now I get it. Well a few months ago I got it. I was in denial, I see that in you. This is past you and what you did or didn't do.

 

This is a hard road let me tell you. But are you going to sit there and let him continue? What if you contract Aids? Is it really worth your life? That is where I draw the line. He says he used condoms, so why is the baby thing in question??? They NEVER come clean and tell the truth, because their game would end. They will protect it at any costs and yes he will sacrifice even you!

 

Good luck email me if you need to.

 

abeliever

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Has your H expressed any remorse for any of this? YES HE DID WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT THE TWO RECENT AFFAIRS.

Does he realize what he's done to you? YES.

Do you have children involved? NO

HE SAYS HE WILL DO WHATEVER I WANT IN ORER TO REGAIN MY TRUST. BUT IT WAS RECENTLY THAT I DISCOVERED THE PHONE NUMBERS OF THE FIRST WOMAN HE EVER LIED TO ME ABOUT BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED.

 

And no, you'll never feel the same about him again. Ever. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT THAT!

 

Do you WANT to continue your marriage? THAT'S THE QUESTION I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING OVER EVER SINCE I FIRST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE 2 RECENT AFFAIRS.

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How many times to forgive husband who is still lying? I can't answer that. It depends on YOU.

How long are you willing to continue to put up with a liar? I'VE BEEN ASKING MYSELF THAT SAME QUESTION. WHAT TICKS ME OFF IS HOW EVEN AFTER HE SAID HE'D END IT WITH THESE 2 OTHER WOMEN, I RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT HE'S HAD THIS OTHER GIRL'S {THE ONE I FOUND OUT ABOUT BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED} PHONE NUMBERS ON HIS CELL PHONE.

Its all in what you feel you can and can not tolerate, and what you feel is not respectable to you. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

 

My guess is, he will continue to lie as long as you allow it.

HE KNOWS I DO NOT ALLOW IT. WHEN I'VE CONFRONTED HIM ON THE 2 I KNOW ABOUT, HE WROTE E-MAIL LETTERS TO EACH OF THEM{SHOWING ME THE COPY HE SENT} TELLING THEM IT WAS OVER.

 

OF COURSE I'M AWARE THAT HE MAY STILL FIND A WAY TO STAY IN TOUCH. WITH HIM BELIEVING THAT WHAT I DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT ME. OR SO THAT'S WHAT HE SAID WHEN I ASKED HIM WHY, IF THE AFFAIRS WERE OVER DID HE NOT TELL ME{ PRIOR TO ME DIGGING UP THE TRUTH AND FINDING ACTUAL PROOF}

 

EACH TIME I FIND SOMETHING ELSE HE'S HIDING FROM ME, IT ANGERS ME THAT HE THINKS I WILL NOT RESORT TO WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY WHEN I SUSPECT HIM OF CHEATING OR LYING.

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I think you'll know when you've had enough. I think you'll know in your heart, and in your gut, and in your head, when you've reached your bs threshold. Nothing anybody says to you here, or in person, is going to convince you that you DO deserve better, until YOU know you deserve better.

 

We put ourselves through so much, in the name of love. Needlessly. He is not the last man on the face of the earth.

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Truth is - your going to go round and round, but it always comes back to a couple of questions.

How long can I do this?

I AM ANGRY THAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT THESE AFFAIRS ONLY A MONTH AFTER WE COMPLETED BUILDING OUT DREAM LOG HOME HERE IN THE MOUNTAINS!

I AM ANGRY THAT WE FINALLY LIVE IN A PLACE THAT WE TALKED ABOUT FOR SO LONG. AND NOW I FIND OUT ABOUT HIS LIES.

I NOW FEEL AS IF EVERYTHING WE WORKED SO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH IS BASED ON A LIE.

EVEN THOUGH HE SAT THERE AND TOLD ME THAT HE SUPPOSEDLY ENDED THE AFFAIR , SHORTLY BEFORE WE MOVED INTO OUR NEW HOME.

HE SAID HE FELT THAT WE WERE DOING BETTER , WERE IN A BETTER PLACE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE "FELL IN LOVE WITH ME ALL OVER AGAIN"

 

BECAUSE HE COULD NOT TALK TO ME BEFORE DUE TO WHAT WE WERE GOING THOUGH IN OUR MARRIAGE { I'LL ADMIT THAT I WAS NOT AN EASY PERSON TO GET ALONG WITH AT TIMES} .....THAT IS WHEN THE AFFAIRS HAPPENED

 

SO NOW I'M ASKING MYSELF......WILL HE TURN TO SOME OTHER WOMAN FOR COMFORT WHEN HE FEELS THAT THINGS ARE NOT GOOD BETWEEN US?

 

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MORE THINGS I WILL FIND OUT ABOUT . OR WHEN THE NEXT TIME WILL BE

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Why are you still in this marriage?

 

I FOUND OUT ABOUT THESE AFFAIRS ONLY A MONTH AFTER WE COMPLETED BUILDING OUR DREAM LOG HOME HERE IN THE MOUNTAINS! IT HURTS THAT WE FINALLY LIVE IN A PLACE THAT WE TALKED ABOUT FOR SO LONG. AND NOW I FIND OUT ABOUT HIS LIES.

 

I NOW FEEL AS IF EVERYTHING WE WORKED SO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH IS BASED ON A LIE.

EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD ME THAT HE SUPPOSEDLY ENDED THE AFFAIR , SHORTLY BEFORE WE MOVED INTO OUR NEW HOME.

HE SAID HE FELT THAT WE WERE DOING BETTER ,AKA WERE IN A BETTER PLACE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE "FELL IN LOVE WITH ME ALL OVER AGAIN"

 

HE SAID HE COULD NOT TALK TO ME BEFORE DUE TO WHAT WE WERE GOING THOUGH IN OUR MARRIAGE { I'LL ADMIT THAT I WAS NOT AN EASY PERSON TO GET ALONG WITH AT TIMES} .....THAT IS WHEN THE AFFAIRS HAPPENED

 

SO NOW I'M ASKING MYSELF......WILL HE TURN TO SOME OTHER WOMAN FOR COMFORT WHEN HE FEELS THAT THINGS ARE NOT GOOD BETWEEN US?

 

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MORE THINGS I WILL FIND OUT ABOUT . OR WHEN THE NEXT TIME WILL BE

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP MY DREAM of finally LIVING where I've always wanted to. now I am not sure I want to stay in a marriage where he may very well find another reason to lie. THINKING THAT IT'S BETTER TO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING BECAUSE IT WILL HURT ME.

 

WHAT HURT MORE FOR ME WAS NOT SO MUCH THE FACT THAT HE HAD BEEN INVOVLED WITH OTHER WOMEN, AS MUCH AS HOW I FOUND OUT ABOUT ALL OF THIS ON MY OWN BECAUSE I HAD A BAD FEELING

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Serial cheaters are a different ballgame. It's a need for constant validation. Can you live your life validating him? Can you ever trust him again?

 

Based on the duration of time you've mentioned, I think that you've got a man with a very bad track record and neither one of you is getting any younger. Do you want to continue wasting more years with the hopes that someone like this will clean up his act and not rely on you to complete him as a person? Do you feel it's your responsibility to make him happy?

 

What this boils down to is that you want him to change and he says he can change for you but has yet to prove it. Also, he expects that you will make him happy, instead of him being happy on his own, without dragging in third parties.

 

Btw, caps are considered shouting in text, in case you weren't aware. :)

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A new log home does sound wonderful. I'm sorry it was followed by lies. Only you know what you need to do. Hope it all works out. :)

 

 

 

TBF: Stop staring at me with that eyeball! :p:laugh:

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You just want to pet my monkey. :p:D

He is kind of cute but no, look but don't touch... ;)

 

RocknLyn, we're just goofing around. :)

 

I was married to a serial cheater too. We're now divorced and he continues to get therapy for his issues, in that he takes full responsibility for his cheating and his need for personal validation because of his Narcissistic Personality Disorder ("NPD").

 

I will say that there's a big wide world out there after divorce. I strongly encourage you to consider it, in view of your serial cheater. Don't take on the responsibility of his happiness being contingent upon you doing everything the way he wants you to, in order for him to not cheat.

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I have never believed that it was my responsibility to make him happy.

 

After I confronted him about the affairs, he told me that he did not know why he did what he did, but that the responsibilities of: running a business, life in general, overwhelmed him and he was just looking for someone to talk to.

he said he felt that I didn't respect him anymore because all I did was complain about the negative things. I freely admit to doing that before ..... I know that I was not easy to talk to Not until I became a better listener.

Our marriage was slowly crumbling only a few short moths ago. Once he finally sold the business and retired early, then we moved out of the city and into our log home here in the mountains, we both began to relax more and communicate more openly{ or so it appeared},

He even commented several times about how I was more approachable because I became happier once we moved here.

As for the decision to stay or leave, he said he wants to change and work on the marriage and not give it all up, that he'll do whatever it takes. such as go to a marriage counselor etc.

 

I'm mainly upset that I found out about these affairs or whatever, shortly after we moved in this home here.

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You know you can't harbour this resentment, if you want to make a go of it. Do see a marriage counselor and both of you...be completely honest. It will be painful to dredge everything up again but you need to get this out of your system and he needs to understand the pain he's caused you for his issues and his deceit.

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He is kind of cute but no, look but don't touch... ;)

 

RocknLyn, we're just goofing around. :)

 

I was married to a serial cheater too. We're now divorced and he continues to get therapy for his issues, in that he takes full responsibility for his cheating and his need for personal validation because of his Narcissistic Personality Disorder ("NPD").

 

I will say that there's a big wide world out there after divorce. I strongly encourage you to consider it, in view of your serial cheater. Don't take on the responsibility of his happiness being contingent upon you doing everything the way he wants you to, in order for him to not cheat.

 

Heck , I don't mind! LOL Glad you two are having fun.........After all it's good to goof off every now and then. It helps get your mind off all the depressing things people are talking about{myself included} Ha!~

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A new log home does sound wonderful. I'm sorry it was followed by lies. Only you know what you need to do. Hope it all works out. :)

 

 

Thank you, Me too.

I want to believe that he wants to change and stay in this marriage and will do whatever it takes. And I do believe that whatever drove him to become close with these other women,it was not all my fault.

 

However, after reading what someone else posted here in regard to a serial cheater, I am wondering if that is the case with my husband. After all I did catch him in a lie before we were married when he made a up a very elaborate story about how a friend got tickets to a Kings game and he hoped I would not be mad that he was canceling on me to go to the game with his buddies etc.......

I found out later on what he was really up to. Which was going to meet that girl at Victoria's Secret to help her " pick out outfits for her own BF" Then the two of them going back to her place so that they could "talk"

Ka sera sera! Life is a series of lessons. As long as you learn from them and move on you are ahead of the game

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Today is when I looked in his cell phone address book and found the number of that other girl he used to "be friends with" and had lied to me about years ago when we were dating exclusively. Although, I've not seen where he's called her in the last several months, since I am the one who gets all the household mail /bills and pays the utilities bills.

It is difficult to not to obsess over feeling as if I have to always be looking for things he’s done and not told me about in regard to where he’s been.

I hate the feeling of needing to look at all the phone bills in detail and reading the e-mails that he has stored on his computer. After all, that is how I found out about the 2 affairs he was having recntly.We have one main PC that we both share and I use more than he does the majorityof the time, and he has his own PC as well as laptop that he downloads all his internet /computer games on and accesses e-mail on his own account etc.

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When I go look for a marriage couselor, should I go by myself the first couple of times? This way I can talk to him/ her about what is going on before we go together?

Also, is it a good idea to bring copies of the e-mail letters I found on my husbands computer{which is how I made the discovery of his affairs}?

Maybe then the counselor can see for themselves what my husband has a history of doing? Such as if they determine he has a problem with being a serial cheater.

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One more quick question, since confronting my husband about the 2 affairs he had recently, is it a good or bad idea to tell him that I found the phone number of a woman from the past . This is someone he lied to me about a year before we were married.{we've been together 15 years now}

the phone number of the woman was stored on his new cell phone , and is a recent number. It is not as if this is an old phone number from years ago.

I confimed this information , by doing an internet search on Zabbasearch.com

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I'd probably save any more confrontations until you're both sitting in front of a marriage counselor. Your H is a liar, and he's had a lot of practice, so I suspect he'll just come up with a story to avoid taking responsibility for the phone number.

 

I guess he wants to stay in the marriage since he's been doing all this cheating without ever mentioning divorce to you. It's up to you to figure out if he's worth your time anymore.

 

You don't have kids...you could start fresh with someone who isn't always susceptible to 'feeling sorry for' some woman and starting something with her. Maybe he really likes feeling needed - perhaps you could suggest he feel sorry for you because your husband has been cheating on you and lying about other women...

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You nailed it! He likes to feel needed as well as respected. Because I no longer needed and or respected him in the same way I used to years ago when we first met, he found women who need him. Whether it was just to talk or whatever.

when he found other people who would listen to him without judgment or criticism{the way I used to}, I am sure that was a main motivator for him to become involved with these other women.

And one thing lead to another from the whole friends sharingt their life stories and leaning on each other scenario, things got more serious

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