He's flirting w/coworker; i'm so jealous

[screwed620]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 4 years. We used to work together. I was one of several women with whom he had flirtations, but ultimately we ended up together. Since then, he has had several other flirtations at his office. The first of which, I still worked there. With this first woman, they exchanged many emails of a very sexual nature and also clicked on a friendship level. I freaked out. I felt it was completely inappropriate for them to be propositioning one another. I even confronted the girl which pissed off my boyfriend. Where I had previously had access to his email account, he changed his password and didn't tell me. I know he didn't cheat, but thought his actions were not respectful. There have been other flirtations, but they aren't worth mentioning.

 

However, the newest one is something different. He was honest with me that she is his physical ideal. They also have a lot of common interests. Where before he has sent me copies of emails with his other flirtations, here he was unwilling to. After a big fight that almost led to us breaking up, he showed me one where he told her she was the first woman to tempt him since we had been together. He blames my jealousy for him increasing his flirtation with her. I admit that I am jealous, insanely jealous even though I believe he will not cheat on me with this girl. I have become obsessed with her. I believe that she has a crush on him and he has said if she does, that it is disrespectful to our relationship and that he would cut ties with her. But he disagrees with my belief in her crush. If it was just flirting, I think I would be ok with it - but I feel this is closer to an emotional affair.

 

I know I need help and I don't feel like I am getting it from him. He is sick of my jealous BS, feels that I do not trust him (and I don't totally because of the way he has lied about this girl and others), and really isn't willing to do much. Is there anything he can do to help me? And how do I overcome my jealousy?

[Gia77]

It seems really odd to me that:

1) Your boyfriend was exchanging sexual emails with a coworker via the company email system, while his girlfriend was sitting a couple of cubicles away.

 

2) He sends you copies of his sexual emails.

 

I am dating someone that I work with and both of us would flip out if we found out the other was sending sexual emails to anyone else- co worker or not. That to me goes beyond innocent flirting...

 

On the other hand, every relationship is different. How would he like it if you were doing this to someone at your new job? If he's perfectly ok with it, then you can rule out the existence of a double standard. Like I said every situation is different. But I'm sure I won't be the only person on this site who wouldn't be ok with it.

[screwed620]

Yeah, the company is pretty lax and allows a lot of inappropriate behavior. He knows he can get away with anything - friends with the IT guy, the head of HR...

 

He sent me emails in the interest of "total and complete honesty" so that I can see there is nothing "real" about his flirtations.

 

Things are really bad with him and I have told him time and again how his relationship with the current girl makes me feel. That I don't think she respects our relationship (but frankly, does he?). We saw a therapist early on in the relationship and I had a male friend who used to get drunk and call and propose to me even though I was in a relationship. The therapist said that this guy didn't support the relationship, that he was a threat and that if he wasn't supporting it, he was against it. I cut that person out of my life for my boyfriend. And my boyfriend is unwilling to see this girl in the same way.

 

As for whether there is anything he can do to help me, I've asked for certain concessions, certain boundaries to be drawn regarding not only this girl, but his future flirtations, to ease my feelings about the situation. He said the only boundary he will set is if she makes a physical "move" on him or propositions him seriously (as opposed to kidding around about it).

 

My friends and family mostly hate this guy for reasons I don't need to go into. I should probably just leave him. But I'm really trying to figure out if I should fight to stay.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I believe that she has a crush on him and he has said if she does, that it is disrespectful to our relationship and that he would cut ties with her.

 

but what he is doing isn't disrespectful? he should worry less about what she's thinking and more about what he's doing.

 

he's a cheating scumbag; if he hasn't cheated yet, he will. you know it too.

[norajane]

You sound pretty miserable. I don't see why you would keep this guy in your life when he's not making you happy at all, and he can't respect your feelings or wishes. I'd say his behavior is inappropriate, and since it makes you feel bad and he won't stop, he's probably the wrong guy for you - he's probably the wrong guy for anyone! He sounds really immature and selfish.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm 110% with norajane. You have got to ask youself what makes this guy worth it?

 

As a guy, Im going to tell you the honest truth. He needs these girls to like him... it feeds his ego. You will never be enough. Eventually he will need to get physical with one of these "flirtations" to gain the same ego rush. You may think that your putting the foot down by fighting with him, but I can tell that he is flipping this back on you.

 

Do you seriously think you are some crazy jealous person? No, I assure you... you are completely normal. Your BF needs to get kicked in the nuts!

[screwed620]

I have asked myself what makes him worth it for most of the past 4+ years.

 

He does need the girls for his ego, denies that though. Says it is just part of his personality. That he flirts with them more for them than for himself (hello? what about me?!). He absolutely has flipped this on me.

 

I am a jealous person. That part is true. I have been jealous in most of my relationships and it has been irrational. I know this is based on my own self-esteem and insecurity issues which I also know should not exist. All that being said - this relationship is different. He has purposely kept me down and made my self esteem worse (I lost 30 lbs. cause he called me fatty constantly when we got together) and then wonders why I freak out about these things. I'm fairly certain I should end it. Just trying to get out of the one-down position now so I can stand up for myself.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, If it helps there are Millions of single guys out there who would give up a testicle for a shot with you! If Mr. BF doesnt value you, there is a guy who will. In fact, there is a guy that will cherish, value, and respect you. So dont waste your time with a guy that wont.

 

Oh, and on a parting note... I think when you date someone... you deserve to be thier physical ideal.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think you have good reason to feel emotionally unsafe in this relationship. Call it insecurity, jealousy ... whatever you want. But it’s nearly impossible to trust someone who shows, by action, that they are less than trustworthy. This guy is a bit “off” (to put it politely) in the way he constantly seeks attention than uses it as jealousy bait to keep your attention fixated (to the point of obsession) on him as well. You’re doing wonders for his deep seeded insecurity issues. You should be getting paid, not laid.

 

BUT ... since he’s exactly the same as you met him, at least we can find something positive to say about his consistency.

 

I am a jealous person. That part is true. I have been jealous in most of my relationships and it has been irrational.

 

If you say so. But I have to wonder if it’s because in the past you have always been attracted to relationship tards like THIS one. If so, no wonder. I’m amazed you haven’t developed a twitch by now.

 

In order to get rid of the “obsession” you need to get rid of the source of your problems ... and refine your taste in men. Come on ... you can do much, much better than this. ANYBODY can!

[Grace112]

I totally understand the situation that you are going through. I, too, met my ex at work. We flirted and I also knew of other women that he was flirting with as they would confess their repartee to me. In the end, he ended up with me but I could never quite shake that uncomfortable feeling that he continued the same flirty behavior even after we got together... and he did.

 

Every time we argued about one of these girls he would say that he thought I had forgiven him (he did indeed cheat once) and make me seem jealous and insecure and I believed it. Funnily enough, if we broke up about it, it would be that very same girl he would go off and try to hook up with.

 

He broke off our engagement finally 3 weeks ago and guess who the first person was whom he called? The exact same girl I was wondering about. Your BF will always need the attention of other women and it will continue to hurt you. Save yourself from getting into the same vicious cycle that I did. Trust your instincts.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 4 years. We used to work together. I was one of several women with whom he had flirtations, but ultimately we ended up together. Since then, he has had several other flirtations at his office. The first of which, I still worked there. With this first woman, they exchanged many emails of a very sexual nature and also clicked on a friendship level. I freaked out. I felt it was completely inappropriate for them to be propositioning one another. I even confronted the girl which pissed off my boyfriend. Where I had previously had access to his email account, he changed his password and didn't tell me. I know he didn't cheat, but thought his actions were not respectful. There have been other flirtations, but they aren't worth mentioning.

 

However, the newest one is something different. He was honest with me that she is his physical ideal. They also have a lot of common interests. Where before he has sent me copies of emails with his other flirtations, here he was unwilling to. After a big fight that almost led to us breaking up, he showed me one where he told her she was the first woman to tempt him since we had been together. He blames my jealousy for him increasing his flirtation with her. I admit that I am jealous, insanely jealous even though I believe he will not cheat on me with this girl. I have become obsessed with her. I believe that she has a crush on him and he has said if she does, that it is disrespectful to our relationship and that he would cut ties with her. But he disagrees with my belief in her crush. If it was just flirting, I think I would be ok with it - but I feel this is closer to an emotional affair.

 

I know I need help and I don't feel like I am getting it from him. He is sick of my jealous BS, feels that I do not trust him (and I don't totally because of the way he has lied about this girl and others), and really isn't willing to do much. Is there anything he can do to help me? And how do I overcome my jealousy?

Why are you even with this guy?

[popey]

You are not abnormally jealous for feeling this way. His behavior would be wildly unacceptable to most people in a relationship. More importantly, you have told him that the flirting hurts you and would like him to stop, which he refused. Therefor, the only rational conclusion is that flirting with them is more important to him than wether or not he hurts you. I see no other possible decision that makes sense, then dump him. He's selfish, disrespectful and unworthy.

[knat]

There is nothing worse than feeling like the jealous girl, especially when you've made steps to help his jealous feelings and always would. I think that's the bottom line really. It's not about the flirting it's about him saying he'll give it up and that your feelings are more important than some chick at work boosting his fragile ego. I just broke up with someone I really liked because he was flirting with another woman , whom I know he would never cheat on me with, via text. When I approached him about it he did not deny the flirting ( which is fine ) but gave sort of an ultimatum. He said "I like the attention of other women and that's not going to change". I decided neither was this growing jealousy of mine ( which I hate! ) so i broke up with him. Good luck, it was a really hard decision for me. I know how you feel.

[screwed620]

Just a quick update. I feel as though I've been to hell and back again. After a week of grasping at straws, including talking to our mutual friend who I thought might see things my way (but didn't) and him almost ending the relationship a number of times, I felt as though I had a breakthrough. I stopped being worried about it, stopped asking about her and decided to start focusing on what I want.

 

Strangely, he decided of his own accord to start ignoring this girl. She was upset and confronted him and he said something rude to her and hurt her feelings. He was fine about it - said he was doing this for me because I was showing trust and that he didn't want to be friends with her.

 

Well, yesterday - that house came tumbling down. She asked to talk to him about what was wrong. He told her everything - that I was jealous, that she was his physical ideal, that we've been having problems, that she has been part of it and that he crossed a line for me, although it didn't cross a line for him. He kept asking her if he ever offended her (again, not my concern) and she said no. So I guess things go back to where they were and it is time for me to make my escape.

 

Why am I with him, it was asked? He preyed upon me in the beginning, sucked me in, made my self-esteem depend on him and was able to crush it just as easily. I was extremely weak when we got together and haven't really been able to get out of the cycle. My friends have called it Stockholm Syndrome. If I could walk away, I would - but he lives in my house and I'm not so good at the "kicking him out" part. Looking for the strength to do that now.