Lying and miserable

[1confusedgirl]

I'll try to make this short but it will be hard. I have a complicated mess on my hands.

 

I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. I am only 25 so we met when we were in high school. We've had a couple break-ups which involved each of us cheating on each other once earlier in our relationship but managed to work through it and continued to be happy together. The past few years have not been wonderful for either of us due to some family economical issues on both sides, especially within the past year. Recently both of our families have gone through foreclosures, lost their jobs, and struggled even to keep a roof over their heads. My boyfriend has been particularly affected since he always made good money but now bascially works to support his parents. He lives with them and I, for many years now, have been bouncing back and forth between my parents and his house, which I am so completely sick of. I don't even feel like I have a home because I am always moving around so much. We have been talking about moving out together for a long time but of course now with both of our parents' circumstances it has never materialized. I think this alone has had a tremendous effect on our relationship and has drained me. Our sex life does not exist, I think mainly for this reason although I question that it might not only be that.

 

Now to add more confusion in my life. I started my first job out of college last September. School was another stressful factor in my life. It was a very difficult curriculum and I swear I experienced several nervous breakdowns between concentrating on projects I had to get done and the chaos that was going on at home. Getting a job was not an easy task either. It took many months for me to finally get a job even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for but at least it took some stress away because I finally started making some money on my own. Not too long after I started working there a co-worker sent me an email commenting that I looked nice that day. I had noticed him before he sent me this email and something about him caught my eye. Of course I was flattered and responded back with a harmless thank you. We began talking for the next couple weeks and eventually he asked if I would like to grab a drink. The first thought that crossed my mind is that I can't b/c I'm in a relationship and it will just lead to no good even though deep inside I really wanted to. But I didn't. I made something up and turned down his offer.

 

That next week he was on vacation from work. For some reason I could not get him out of mind so I sent him text message asking how he was enjoying his time off. Not long after, the text messages started taking an unexpected turn initiated by me. In short, by the end of the day we were texting each other very explicit messages and pictures. I felt so guilty b/c I knew it was wrong but it was just so exciting. We talked later that night on the phone and I admitted I had a boyfriend and I couldn't do this anymore, but that did not stop me the next day.

 

When he returned from his vacation he asked me to come over to his place after work. Again, I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to so bad I could not control myself. Once I got over there it wasn't long before we started kissing and eventually I gave him oral for a little bit and then stopped b/c I felt too guilty. I had the worst feeling when I left. I promised myself I would never cheat again on my boyfriend because I saw the pain it caused him and I never wanted to make him feel like that ever again. I convinced myself that night that I would not take this any further.

 

But of course if I didn't continue, I wouldn't be writing this post about the mess I'm in now, would I. You could probably guess that it did continue for many weeks and eventually involved a lot of sex. It got to the point where I would stay late after work just to be with him because I didn't even have the desire to hang out with my boyfriend as I did before.

 

It began to get very serious with this other guy. The turning point came after I came back from a short weekend trip in December with my boyfriend. I had fun with him like we always do. I mean he has been my best friend for almost 10 years but the sex just didn't compare to what I had been having with the other guy. I couldn't wait to see him when I got back to work. We went out to dinner that night and he told me something that surprised me and complicated things even more. He said that he was in love with me and that he wanted me all to himself. At this point it kinda just scared me away because I thought that there was no question that I loved my boyfriend and that this was just something new and exciting for me but not necessarily love.

 

I think subconciously I started to distance myself from this guy because I was too scared to even think of the possibility of loving someone else because I had gotten so comfortable with my boyfriend. He was my comfort zone and I never wanted to make any major changes mainly b/c he was the only stable aspect in my life with all the problems I had been facing. I also forgot to mention that I have been suffering from depression for many years. Medication has kept me stable but nevertheless I still am not funcitoning like a normal person would and this whole situation has only made matters worse.

 

Even though I was scared by what this guy was telling me, I just couldn't let him go. I enjoyed spending time with him and I didn't want to drop him from my life. He would bug me constantly about breaking up with my boyfriend to be with him and I would just change the subject b/c it made me so uncomfortable. As we began spending more time together though, my feelings grew stronger for him and I started to think of the possibility that maybe I did love him. The thought crossed my mind about breaking up with my boyfriend. But then things started to get even worse at home. He lost his house and job and became severely depressed and stressed. I was the only good thing in his life he had and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I might not be in love with him anymore. I was scared of what he would do. I do not think he would do anything to harm himself but I just was not sure b/c the situation and his mental state got so bad.

 

Not that things could get any worse, they did. My co-worker and I had been talking this whole time sending emails through company email and company phones, which was stupid on our part...I know. One day I got called down to HR and was told that there had been excessive and inappropriate use of company email and that I was being terminated. I was in complete shock. I went straight to the other guy's house and discovered that he too was terminated even though he was in a senior level position and had been there for a few years. I thought for sure that this was it for me. I was going to have to come clean about everything. But not even that could bring me to tell him. In fact, it only made it harder.

 

So, it's been over 4 months since I have been fired. I haven't found a job. I have been staying at the other guys place during the day while he is at work because both my family and boyfriend still think I work. I sit here everyday and cry because I have dug myself a hole so deep I do not know how to get out. I have never lied so much in my life and it makes me sick. I have become this person I never thought I would be and it is slowly killing me. My depression has only gotten worse and I have had the thought of suicide many times but I know I could never go through with it.

 

As it stands right now, my boyfriend thinks nothing out of the ordinary is wrong with our relationship. Even before I started this affair, we barely had sex and that is how it continues to be. I go over there after my "day at work" and stay there usually on the weekend. Although I try to somehow come over to stay the night with the other guy because I really have no desire to spend time with my boyfriend like I used to.

 

It kills me when I see him so stressed about everything and to know what I am doing. I feel like such a horrible person but on the other hand I just want to figure out my life. We have planned to get married once I was out of school and had a job and we're financially secure. Right now, I never see that happening and I feel like this is going to be my life for much longer than I want it to be. I want to get married and have a family and a career. But also, I can not imagine my life without him. He has been part of it for so long that it makes me cry to think about not spending the rest of our lives together and having a family, and everything else we have always planned about doing. I just don't know if all these sentimental feelings are the only things that are forcing me to hold on. It would feel more like a divorce if we broke up.

 

Now for the other guy. What can I say, the sex is more than amazing. But it isn't just the sex. Just to kiss him and hold him is the best feeling in the world. I think about him constantly and I am so depressed when I am not with him. But it's not like things are perfect with him either. First off, let me mention that he is much older than me, 41 to be exact. That is a 16 year difference for those of you trying to do the math. He is divorced and has a 16 year old daughter, which does not bother me whatsoever. In the beginning of our relationsihip, the age difference did concern me from the standpoint of how my family would feel about it and of course having kids. As time went on though, my feelings surpassed any uncertainty I had about our age difference. We have talked about these issues, particularly having kids which he claims to be ok with. It still concerns me somewhat though. I don't feel like he would want kids at his age if it weren't for me. I also have had some doubts recently if he even feels as strongly for me as he did in the past. I know that he hates the fact that I am still with my boyfriend but understands why I have not broken it off with him. However, I think he believes that I will never have the courage to tell my boyfriend the truth. Consequently, I know he has tried moving on. Not too long ago, I found out he was talking to other girls and even his ex-girlfriend, which put me over the edge and really put things in perspective for me. I thought that if I didn't make any sort of changes I was going to lose him because I can't expect him to wait around for me. It crushed me knowing that he might be looking for another woman, but not like we were in a relationship where I really had control over that, even though I wish I did because it hurt so much. But even faced with the fact that he might move on if I don't do something soon, I still could not tell my boyfriend anything.

 

And here I am today going nowhere in my relationships or career. I am so confused on what to do. I am still terrified to tell my boyfriend anything. Sometimes I feel like I should at least give us a try on our own since we already have invested so much time together, yet we don't even know how life is on our own. I don't even know if I can rekindle the feelings I once had for him though. I still love him as a person but that sexual attraction is gone. I don't know if that is just normal after all these years or if that means something else. I have never been so miserable in my life. Meanwhile I am forcing another person to put his life on hold because of me.

 

Can anyone please offer me any advice or your opinion!! I have been too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone about this but I had to get this off my chest because I am breaking down.

 

Another reason I cannot get myself to even bring up the suggestion to my boyfriend about maybe even seeing other people is because he has absolutely nothing. He has helped me out financially and was there for me when I was going through rough times. Now he is the one going through a rough time and has no way of even signing for a car, mortgage, anything, and I am just going to leave him high and dry after all that he did for me. This is the part that makes it so difficult for me because it would be extremely hard for him to move on and begin dating under his circumstances.

 

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my boyfriend anything while he is in this difficult situation and mental state? Do I try to work on our relationship at this point? Please give me any sort of feedback!!

 

Any comments or advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Just please help before I go insane!

 

Sorry that didn't end up being too short.

[Fa Chan]

I'll try to make this short but it will be hard. I have a complicated mess on my hands.

 

I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. I am only 25 so we met when we were in high school. We've had a couple break-ups which involved each of us cheating on each other once earlier in our relationship but managed to work through it and continued to be happy together. The past few years have not been wonderful for either of us due to some family economical issues on both sides, especially within the past year. Recently both of our families have gone through foreclosures, lost their jobs, and struggled even to keep a roof over their heads. My boyfriend has been particularly affected since he always made good money but now bascially works to support his parents. He lives with them and I, for many years now, have been bouncing back and forth between my parents and his house, which I am so completely sick of. I don't even feel like I have a home because I am always moving around so much. We have been talking about moving out together for a long time but of course now with both of our parents' circumstances it has never materialized. I think this alone has had a tremendous effect on our relationship and has drained me. Our sex life does not exist, I think mainly for this reason although I question that it might not only be that.

 

Now to add more confusion in my life. I started my first job out of college last September. School was another stressful factor in my life. It was a very difficult curriculum and I swear I experienced several nervous breakdowns between concentrating on projects I had to get done and the chaos that was going on at home. Getting a job was not an easy task either. It took many months for me to finally get a job even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for but at least it took some stress away because I finally started making some money on my own. Not too long after I started working there a co-worker sent me an email commenting that I looked nice that day. I had noticed him before he sent me this email and something about him caught my eye. Of course I was flattered and responded back with a harmless thank you. We began talking for the next couple weeks and eventually he asked if I would like to grab a drink. The first thought that crossed my mind is that I can't b/c I'm in a relationship and it will just lead to no good even though deep inside I really wanted to. But I didn't. I made something up and turned down his offer.

 

That next week he was on vacation from work. For some reason I could not get him out of mind so I sent him text message asking how he was enjoying his time off. Not long after, the text messages started taking an unexpected turn initiated by me. In short, by the end of the day we were texting each other very explicit messages and pictures. I felt so guilty b/c I knew it was wrong but it was just so exciting. We talked later that night on the phone and I admitted I had a boyfriend and I couldn't do this anymore, but that did not stop me the next day.

 

When he returned from his vacation he asked me to come over to his place after work. Again, I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to so bad I could not control myself. Once I got over there it wasn't long before we started kissing and eventually I gave him oral for a little bit and then stopped b/c I felt too guilty. I had the worst feeling when I left. I promised myself I would never cheat again on my boyfriend because I saw the pain it caused him and I never wanted to make him feel like that ever again. I convinced myself that night that I would not take this any further.

 

But of course if I didn't continue, I wouldn't be writing this post about the mess I'm in now, would I. You could probably guess that it did continue for many weeks and eventually involved a lot of sex. It got to the point where I would stay late after work just to be with him because I didn't even have the desire to hang out with my boyfriend as I did before.

 

It began to get very serious with this other guy. The turning point came after I came back from a short weekend trip in December with my boyfriend. I had fun with him like we always do. I mean he has been my best friend for almost 10 years but the sex just didn't compare to what I had been having with the other guy. I couldn't wait to see him when I got back to work. We went out to dinner that night and he told me something that surprised me and complicated things even more. He said that he was in love with me and that he wanted me all to himself. At this point it kinda just scared me away because I thought that there was no question that I loved my boyfriend and that this was just something new and exciting for me but not necessarily love.

 

I think subconciously I started to distance myself from this guy because I was too scared to even think of the possibility of loving someone else because I had gotten so comfortable with my boyfriend. He was my comfort zone and I never wanted to make any major changes mainly b/c he was the only stable aspect in my life with all the problems I had been facing. I also forgot to mention that I have been suffering from depression for many years. Medication has kept me stable but nevertheless I still am not funcitoning like a normal person would and this whole situation has only made matters worse.

 

Even though I was scared by what this guy was telling me, I just couldn't let him go. I enjoyed spending time with him and I didn't want to drop him from my life. He would bug me constantly about breaking up with my boyfriend to be with him and I would just change the subject b/c it made me so uncomfortable. As we began spending more time together though, my feelings grew stronger for him and I started to think of the possibility that maybe I did love him. The thought crossed my mind about breaking up with my boyfriend. But then things started to get even worse at home. He lost his house and job and became severely depressed and stressed. I was the only good thing in his life he had and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I might not be in love with him anymore. I was scared of what he would do. I do not think he would do anything to harm himself but I just was not sure b/c the situation and his mental state got so bad.

 

Not that things could get any worse, they did. My co-worker and I had been talking this whole time sending emails through company email and company phones, which was stupid on our part...I know. One day I got called down to HR and was told that there had been excessive and inappropriate use of company email and that I was being terminated. I was in complete shock. I went straight to the other guy's house and discovered that he too was terminated even though he was in a senior level position and had been there for a few years. I thought for sure that this was it for me. I was going to have to come clean about everything. But not even that could bring me to tell him. In fact, it only made it harder.

 

So, it's been over 4 months since I have been fired. I haven't found a job. I have been staying at the other guys place during the day while he is at work because both my family and boyfriend still think I work. I sit here everyday and cry because I have dug myself a hole so deep I do not know how to get out. I have never lied so much in my life and it makes me sick. I have become this person I never thought I would be and it is slowly killing me. My depression has only gotten worse and I have had the thought of suicide many times but I know I could never go through with it.

 

As it stands right now, my boyfriend thinks nothing out of the ordinary is wrong with our relationship. Even before I started this affair, we barely had sex and that is how it continues to be. I go over there after my "day at work" and stay there usually on the weekend. Although I try to somehow come over to stay the night with the other guy because I really have no desire to spend time with my boyfriend like I used to.

 

It kills me when I see him so stressed about everything and to know what I am doing. I feel like such a horrible person but on the other hand I just want to figure out my life. We have planned to get married once I was out of school and had a job and we're financially secure. Right now, I never see that happening and I feel like this is going to be my life for much longer than I want it to be. I want to get married and have a family and a career. But also, I can not imagine my life without him. He has been part of it for so long that it makes me cry to think about not spending the rest of our lives together and having a family, and everything else we have always planned about doing. I just don't know if all these sentimental feelings are the only things that are forcing me to hold on. It would feel more like a divorce if we broke up.

 

Now for the other guy. What can I say, the sex is more than amazing. But it isn't just the sex. Just to kiss him and hold him is the best feeling in the world. I think about him constantly and I am so depressed when I am not with him. But it's not like things are perfect with him either. First off, let me mention that he is much older than me, 41 to be exact. That is a 16 year difference for those of you trying to do the math. He is divorced and has a 16 year old daughter, which does not bother me whatsoever. In the beginning of our relationsihip, the age difference did concern me from the standpoint of how my family would feel about it and of course having kids. As time went on though, my feelings surpassed any uncertainty I had about our age difference. We have talked about these issues, particularly having kids which he claims to be ok with. It still concerns me somewhat though. I don't feel like he would want kids at his age if it weren't for me. I also have had some doubts recently if he even feels as strongly for me as he did in the past. I know that he hates the fact that I am still with my boyfriend but understands why I have not broken it off with him. However, I think he believes that I will never have the courage to tell my boyfriend the truth. Consequently, I know he has tried moving on. Not too long ago, I found out he was talking to other girls and even his ex-girlfriend, which put me over the edge and really put things in perspective for me. I thought that if I didn't make any sort of changes I was going to lose him because I can't expect him to wait around for me. It crushed me knowing that he might be looking for another woman, but not like we were in a relationship where I really had control over that, even though I wish I did because it hurt so much. But even faced with the fact that he might move on if I don't do something soon, I still could not tell my boyfriend anything.

 

And here I am today going nowhere in my relationships or career. I am so confused on what to do. I am still terrified to tell my boyfriend anything. Sometimes I feel like I should at least give us a try on our own since we already have invested so much time together, yet we don't even know how life is on our own. I don't even know if I can rekindle the feelings I once had for him though. I still love him as a person but that sexual attraction is gone. I don't know if that is just normal after all these years or if that means something else. I have never been so miserable in my life. Meanwhile I am forcing another person to put his life on hold because of me.

 

Can anyone please offer me any advice or your opinion!! I have been too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone about this but I had to get this off my chest because I am breaking down.

 

Another reason I cannot get myself to even bring up the suggestion to my boyfriend about maybe even seeing other people is because he has absolutely nothing. He has helped me out financially and was there for me when I was going through rough times. Now he is the one going through a rough time and has no way of even signing for a car, mortgage, anything, and I am just going to leave him high and dry after all that he did for me. This is the part that makes it so difficult for me because it would be extremely hard for him to move on and begin dating under his circumstances.

 

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my boyfriend anything while he is in this difficult situation and mental state? Do I try to work on our relationship at this point? Please give me any sort of feedback!!

 

Any comments or advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Just please help before I go insane!

 

Sorry that didn't end up being too short.

No one can tell you what to do. I will say that you have to start being honest with yourself. And then you need to start being honest with others. Living a lie will eventually get you to the point where you just can't keep covering your tracks and you'll eventually be found out. So, honesty is always the best policy as the cliche' goes.

 

If I were your boyfriend I would want to know. At least that would give him an opportunity to get on with his life with or without you. You already see what you need to do. Ask yourself the hard questions. Whatever answer you get (no matter how tough it is) you need to follow through with.

 

There are no easy answers really. Only hard questions with some difficult answers. Realize that the charade will not last forever, so how it all ends up is up to you. Do you want to be found out or do you want to come clean and release yourself from the torment? You have to answer that for yourself.

 

Peace...

 

Fa Chan

[norajane]

So, to boil it down:

 

- you and your bf have been together for 10 years

- recently, you've been having some problems due to family finances and you've been getting bored/falling out of love with him

- you started an affair with a man 16 years older that you work with

- you and the Other Man both got fired for your inappropriate activities

- you're still carrying on the affair, spending your days with OM, nights with your bf

- you're starting to wonder if the OM is really in love with you because he's been contacting other women and his ex girlfriend because he's tired of waiting for you to work up the nerve to leave your bf

- you love your bf, but you're not sexually attracted and you don't think either of you will ever be financially secure

- you're depressed and on meds

- your bf knows nothing about any of this

 

I think it's time for you to take a deep breath and be honest with your bf and break up. Yes, it will be hard for both of you, but you are no longer in love with him so you are doing him more harm than good by staying with him while cheating and living a whole double life. Your bf has NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE because you have hidden most of yourself, your actions, your real thoughts and feelings from him. You are just the shell of the girl he thinks you are.

 

Start fresh. Get a job. Get your own place, or get a roommate, or live with your parents. Tell your OM you need time to get your head straight. Once you are out of your relationship with your bf and have had time to get over the sadness of the end of your relationship, THEN you can consider starting to see this Other Man or other men. Right now, you are in no condition to give to anyone else. You have to get your own head straight before you can do that. And you have to set your boyfriend free to find someone who loves him and only him.