Girlfriend dealing with ex-gf: cheating, lying, confusion

[Lizardy]

I should give a little summary of my situation first:

 

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 4 years and been together seriously for about 3.5 years now. We are both 27. We have been living tog for the past 3. During the first 15 mos. of knowing each other we were physically in the same town for only 5 mos. We hit it off and knew there was something special, but I graduated and then traveled out of the country for two mos. and then moved back to my home state upon return. A few months later we both realized and accepted the fact that our talking on the phone long distance every day was more meaningful and worth taking seriously. He was still in school in the same town in which we met and he asked me to move to a mt. town w/ him for the winter to work in the snow. I had a hard time leaving the place I was at b/c I was having a great time, but finally realized that I wanted to be with him and that it was important enough for me to sacrifice where I was. I have no regrets about this decision. We established a more serious relationship over the next 3 mos. (we were living tog w/ another couple) and then I left the country again for 3 mos. for an internship and he went back to school for his last term. During that time we emailed almost every day and talked several times. Our emotions were very strong and very intimate/romantic/genuine and we fell in love even harder by being away from each other during that short time. Before my return we had talked about him meeting me overseas to travel for several mos. after he graduated. Unfortunately, he tore his acl and had to have reconstructive surgery so we aborted those plans. Instead, upon my return we moved in together and continued his recup while making plans for a big trip tog. We eventually made that trip for 5 mos. overseas and have been tog in Oregon ever since.

1 year ago I found out that he cheated on me while I was out of the country the second time. He went to some healing class (his knee is still giving him problems at this point 2 years after the surgery) and was encouraged to get all the bull**** out of his mind--this finally prompted him to let the truth out . . . It happened twice--each time w/in a night of each other right after he found out about his torn acl. There were also a couple Aussie friends in town he was entertaining and I don't doubt this had something to do w/ it happening. He says he was depressed by not being physically able to do anything after the tear. He has always been a very athletic-minded person and finds an immense amount of joy in being physically active. I was blown away by this of course. Confused. Hurt. Angry. All the emotions one would expect. I was and still am in love and after awhile of sorting through my emotions, both with and without him, we decided that we would try to work through this. He's been willing to listen to me whenever I need to talk and we've also seen a counselor together. Things have gotten better but I have had problems w/ him leaving a couple times to go to two different bachelorette parties. There were strippers at both and the first he observed and it ruined me while he was gone. We talked about this and at the second one 6 mos. later he separated himself from the party and actually went to a bedroom and slept during this episode. I believe him fully. Afterwards I told him I was disappointed in him that he had to go at all b/c I still get weird, and uncomfortable feelings with him being around situations that I feel are raw, disrespectful, and somehow connect me emotionally to his infidelities.

So he and I both had serious past relationships. They were slightly different though: mine was when I was 19-23 (4 yrs.) w/ a guy 2 yrs. older than me and his was 16-20 (on and off for 5 yrs.) w/ a girl 2.5 yrs. younger than him. He and his ex, similar to me and my ex, have remained friends since breaking up. My ex and I were older though and we did sleep tog once just a month or so after breaking up, but we lived in different towns and I knew we were never going to get back tog again. It was harder for my ex and at one point we had to stop communicating for a half year or so b/c he couldn't handle the emotional hardships of staying only friends but now things are great and we communicate via email usually about 2-3 times a year and maybe one phone call. My boyfriend and his ex broke up and lived in the same college town for two more years. As a girl who just graduated from high school who had one father-like boyfriend for her entire high school experience, and then moved to a new town, she put herself in a vulnerable position and instead of branching out and doing her own thing after the breakup, she remained close friends w/ her ex (my bf) and became friends w/ all his friends. They did the friends w/ bennies thing for at least a year after the breakup. My bf is one of those guys who loves his friends to the end and is a very social guy. He also loves to help people and provide wise words and guidance when he thinks he can help. I think he took it upon himself to arrest his ex of any depression she was feeling by the breakup and/or being in a new town and for the first time ever being on her own during her teenage years. We've talked about how the sex and the friendship enabled her to not get happier on her own and to be more vulnerable to him instead. I think it also made him vulnerable to her b/c he could continue to provide that comfort level and guidance to her that she had grown so used to and comfortable with. Anyway, she finally moved back to their home area and they continued to stay in touch and since they were from the same town, they visited every time he went home. They remained close friends and have stayed in regular contact ever since we've been together. An email here and there, a phone call here and there. There have been some weird things she's done that I think are inappropriate given he has a girlfriend. She continues to call him a nickname (Boo) that is endearing and lovable enough (my ex bf stopped using nicknames w/ me a long time ago); has signed off emails with the "xoxoxoxo" thing; has said "I love you Boo" in an email that concerned a somewhat tragic circumstance, but still of a childhood friend of his, but still . . . and more that I will get to shortly. Anyway, I've analyzed this situation a ton but I think that gives you enough background to correctly understand the bigger picture here.

I found out 5 months ago that while I was away during the same trip (when he cheated on me), his ex, who stayed at his house one night right around his graduation ceremony, did not just sleep on a couch and give him a back massage while sitting on a couch in front of a bunch of friends like he told me. (at this point they had been broken up for 4 yrs.) Instead he told me the truth: she gave him a 2 hr. massage on her massage table in his bedroom with the door closed. AND she slept in his bed next to him, not on a couch. This was infuriating to discover and I again questioned why I was dealing w/ this new 'truth' at this point? I had asked him several times in the past if that was all that had happened and he insisted that it was. But in the end, he was lying. Of course I suspected that there was more than just sleep, but after much talking and even confiding in his ex (which I have mixed feelings about whether or not that was the right move), I am positive that he has completely divulged everything. She did write him a gradutation card around this time that was all full of compliments and appreciation for him as a person in her life and then signed it off: "I love you Brady. Your flower, 'her name'." Inside it was a little gift card for a 'one hour massage.' Like he hadn't already rec'd one . . . This pissed me off too. She's not his flower! I am!!!!!

So now I am left with little to hold on to. If he wants me to trust him, he needs to earn it back. And I am having issues with him remaining in touch w/ his ex. . .

I am dealing with these hardships b/c I love the guy so much. He is a wonderful person, with a wonderful personality and so many things about us are alike. I love his family and we have many similar interests. We are totally invested in life tog at this point b/c of living tog and many other things I will not mention so as to get to the point here . . .

A month ago his ex left for a short-term job out of the country. hurrah I say! But . . . 3 weeks ago she sends him an email about a dream she has had about his knee keeping him from participating in physical activity w/ her and some other friends and she goes to sit next to him and ask how he is and he humbly says he is okay but she is worried about him and wants to help him in the dream. She mentions dreaming about him another time before that during which she sees a more brutal picture of my bf and his knee situation which keeps him from living life the way he used to live it. She is genuinely concerned and wants to provide help in whatever way she can. Now a couple days ago she emails again saying she has had yet another dream and this time he's normal again and he even wrote her a haiku during the dream. I am totally bothered by all of this intimate/personal connection she is relaying to my bf!!! I feel like it is invading a territory that is not hers anymore. Not only am I bothered that she is having the dreams (why am I not having them? . . . ), but that she is taking it upon herself to tell him about them. I do not think I would tell me ex about dreams I'm having of him if I am having them--esp if it's about a really serious sort of intimate, caring, thing. I wouldn't hold back from asking how he was doing or expressing some sense of concern, but not in the way she is doing.

My bf and I both have talked about how if we made ourselves available to our ex's, they would probably hop right back into a relationship w/ us. The thing is that I haven't had the various situations w/ my ex that my bf has had w/ his since we've been tog. NOR have I cheated or lied to my bf about things that do/do not involve my ex. I am just irritated that all of this is happening and would be so relieved if he could just show me that me and my feelings are more important than other people, things, etc. For instance, can't he just tell his ex to stop the mushy gushy?! Can't they just stop communicating altogether except for like once a year or something. I don't think that's asking too much. If he really respects, loves, and appreciates me, why can't he do this for me?

Please, I'm looking to see what others think about this situation. I see a future w/ this man, despite his mistakes. I'm willing to forgive those, as difficult as it is. I just want him to stop communicating w/ his ex or getting his needs satisfied by other in any way that only I should be providing. I am a bit more sensitive to this now, but rightly so! What is appropriate for an ex to communicate to my bf? What is appropriate for me to ask of him in his communication with her? How can I most genuinely heal from this?

Wow, this was long. Thanks for taking the time to read . . .

[Stubborn]

I think I'd tell him that I am not comfortable with him corresponding with her. In many of the cheating support groups I've been in, they mention the No-Contact rule, which I adore... and think you should practice.

 

Tell him that his behavior with her has been unacceptable, and that you would like no further contact between them- he should honor your feelings!!

 

Furthermore, I requested that all correspondence from her be promptly deleted, and not read, and that he must notify me of the correspondence.

 

Afterall, if he really loves you, he should be willing to put his past behind him for you.

[BlueEyedSarah]

Hmm... It concerns me that he has not told her not to use nicknames on him. Does he reply with giving her nicknames or any form of personal/intermate?

 

I am someone who is currently talking to a recent ex after nc with each other for about 3 months. He begs me back and we talk. My situation is diffrent because - 1. We dont have sex & 2. We are both single.

 

Altough if the tables turned such as if he found a girlfriend I would not be in contact with him due to the feelings I still feel for him. Also to respect her it would not be a wise thing to do to carry on with our 'close conversations'.

 

If I found a boyfriend then I would agree with him to not talk to each other because of the feelings he feels for me. Plus it may not be wise while in a new relationship to respect him.

 

I talk to my ex because I like him, feels like he is a best friend to me.

 

Why did I tell you my story? Because putting myself in he's ex girlfriends position this is properbly what she may be thinking too...

 

Your boyfriend may not be thinking or planning on getting back with he's ex girlfriend but he must still feel feelings towards her for him to still be talking to her.

 

I suggest you tell him how you feel about this, if he loves you and respects you then he will cut the chat either completly or extreamly less.

 

If your boyfriend feels nothing for he's ex then this will be simple to do, if he makes excuses then I would be quite concerned about whats going on.

 

He needs to put he's foot down on he's ex girlfriend and tell her to stop living like they are still together and get on with her life.

 

I think it is very unfair that your boyfriend is still talking to he's ex when it is obvious that she still has strong feelings for him.

[Lizardy]

Thanks for the insight and advice. How should I recommend for him to communicate to his ex regarding any of this? Or should he just stop communicating and expect her to figure it out? A part of me, out of respect for her and respect for their friendship, would like him to tell her to stop communicating with him the way she does. As far as verbal communication, it has been she who has gone over the line in using words or phrases that are too intimate. She is the one who still thinks about him like a best friend (at least it appears so). He doesn't help the situation by responding to her intimate concerns, but does she deserve to be informed? She may be totally nieve??? She has never been aggressive or cruel to me purposefully, instead I think she thinks her style of communicating is totally fine and acceptable when it's not. Would this be helpful or not? Any experience here?