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Her socializing is uncomfortable for me.


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I've been with my gf for close to eight months, we are exclusive and "supposedly", serious about each other. She still goes out once in a while with her girlfriends (two - five times a month). My gf has told me a lot (but I'm sure not everything) about them and of what happens when they go out. They add to my discomfort. I consider some of them kinda slutty because they do one night stands, sleep with married men, etc. She loves hanging out with them by herself, she's never invited me to hang out with them. They are all 30 years old and older, single and they still love to go out to night spots and clubs to socialize, drink, get drunk, dance...meet guys. That's fine for my gf's friends. What they do is none of my business but it doesn't mean I have to approve of what they do or of them in general and I don't approve of them but obviously, I can't tell my gf to stop being friends with them. The scary thing is that they are very influential on her and they know the old trick both guys and girls use...they get my gf to go with them by saying "what, you need permission to go out?". When I was younger and single, I'd use that exact same phrase to shame my friends who had gf's to go out drinking and carousing.

 

My main issue is my gf's continued socializing when she is with her friends. By socializing, I mean socializing with guys, men. She's the prettier one out of all her friends and she has told me that they tell her to go out with them because according to her, they say "we want to use you as bait to get guys to come over". According to her, she gets approached a lot by guys when she's out and I know she accepts drinks, socializes and dances with them. I SEE NO NEED FOR HER TO SOCIALIZE WITH MEN. What's also pissed me off is that she has barely danced with me a couple of times. I've asked her if she's danced with guy's since she and I have been together and she said "a few times"...!!!! I often ask her to go out dancing with me and she doesn't want too, and I dance goooood damn it! :p I told her that am not at all comfortable with that. She's told me that she wouldn't like the idea of me going out and dancing with women at clubs so why should opposite not be true? I am not comfortable at all with her living part of her life as if she was still single. She is in Las Vegas this weekend with at least one of her slutty friends (she now doesn't tell me when her sluttier friends are going to be hanging out with her because she knows I don't like them). She was going to a club out there Saturday night, I don't know if she wound up going though.

 

I do not want to play the tit for tat game and go out, carouse and do the same thing she's doing. I've been done with going out to clubs as a "single & ready to mingle" guy for a long time now and I'm only a little over four years older than her. She knows I'm serious about her and she apparently is serious about me but her behavior isn't sitting at all well with me.

 

Bottom line is that I don't like her going to clubs, socializing/dancing/accepting drinks from men, her slutty friends and I've told her that. She'll have her friends for as long as she wants them around but I don't like her doing the single girl act. I don't know how I can get her to modify her behavior if she doesn't want to since I've already talked to her about these issues and she continues to do her single girl role. It angers me that I have to tell her that I'm uncomfortable with her behavior. You'd think she would have realized that it would make me uncomfortable as soon as our relationship became serious. I'm basically feeling kinda like I'm being made to look like a fool and obviously, I'm jealous. I know I'll be called insecure and worse by some of you. That's to be expected so give it to me baby!

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LucreziaBorgia

The only person you can control in this situation is yourself. She has made it clear that she isn't going to change her behavior, so you have but one choice: stay and put up with it, or leave and find someone who is closer to your liking.

 

She won't change on her own. She'll only change if she is forced to. Ultimatums and threats come into play at this point.

 

If you want, you can give an ultimatum and a threat: change your behavior or I'll leave, and that may work - but understand that if she stays and changes her behavior under these circumstances she'll end up resenting you for it.

 

Honestly, your best bet would be to simply tell her that it isn't working for you (and explain why - that you can't share your life with someone who has a need to 'play single') and move on. Don't make it an ultimatum, don't give her threats - just end the relationship and walk away. She'll understand that her actions drove you to this and she'll have the opportunity to decide for herself whether or not to change her behavior in order to get you back. It is a lot better than "change or else".

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littlepiggy1

Nah, I don't think you're being insecure over this. There's a difference between being insecure over her talking to other men vs her acting like she's single at bars, clubs, etc. It's even more glaring that she wouldn't want you doing the same thing.

 

I'd simply tell her that you don't approve of this behavior and if she doesn't want to change this behavior, then let her go be single. You don't have to put up with it.

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I agree with you guys. I'm only in the relationship because I want to be in it. I don't need to be in it. I've always had the option to walk away and she has even told me that. Regarding another part of her personality, she once told me "like it or leave it". I've let her call a lot of the shots in our relationship and she gladly has obliged to to so.

 

I'd rather not break up with her if I can avoid that. I've invested myself in her much more than I have with previous relationships I've had in the past that lasted three times longer than ours has so far.

 

I will not force her to stop doing what's she's doing because you are right, she will resent me for it. She has told me a couple of times that she's done with going to clubs and partying with her friends. She is a "strong" woman and she makes it sound like she's done with going out and partying but not for my sake (eventhough that is why I think she has said that) instead, she doesn't want to give me the impression that she's giving into me. She wants it to seem that its her decision. She wants to retain "power" in our relationship. But a couple of weeks later, there she goes again!! Such as this weekend in Vegas!!!

 

Sure we all need our "space" but I'd would much rather that if she wants to go out partying and carousing that it would be with me. Her friends can be there but I know they wouldn't want me around (as they haven't so far) because I "spoil" their game with the suckers, I mean men, they meet when they are out.

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I am not a fan of "girls nights out" and my BF and I do most things together, however if a night out comes up that one can't make it to thats cool.

 

We are in the early thirties age bracket and to be honest, we are kinda over the clubbing scene unless there is a special occasion etc. We can still party if we need to! (man that sounds sad)

 

That said, my ex BF hated me going out without him and was sooo suspicious and jealous it caused so many fights. It was his way or the highway. We broke up because he was a control freak and emotionally abusive- the going out thing was just the tip of the iceberg and I am not insinuating you are a control freak.

 

However, if your GF has been doing this for ages, as LB says, she won't change. How do you know what really goes on on these nights out, is it as bad as you think really? Is there really NO chance of you going along? I would get a little pissed if my BF was going out 5 times a month without me. Two times I could handle, but when you factor in that we both work fulltime, so going out during the week is out, and we can't do two nights in a row anymore, that only leaves four nights a month that we could go out.......so I don't know.

 

At least she is honest with you. These nights out won't last forever, but your love could if you think shes worth it.

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littlepiggy1
I'd rather not break up with her if I can avoid that. I've invested myself in her much more than I have with previous relationships I've had in the past that lasted three times longer than ours has so far.

 

Ask yourself this: If she keeps doing what she is doing, will you be happy in 6 months? A year? Two years?

 

It may hurt now, but it will hurt even more when you've invested even more in the relationship in the future.

 

Really, it comes down to:

 

1) Suck it up and deal

2) Break up with her and find someone you are more compatible with

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Ask yourself this: If she keeps doing what she is doing, will you be happy in 6 months? A year? Two years?

 

It may hurt now, but it will hurt even more when you've invested even more in the relationship in the future.

 

Really, it comes down to:

 

1) Suck it up and deal

2) Break up with her and find someone you are more compatible with

 

Pretty much sums it up really.

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sb129

You're right. I don't want to control her and she would not let that happen. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't, let's say it, "cheat" on me. Like I said earlier, I just don't see the point of her socializing with all the guys at the clubs. I don't like that.

 

Funny thing is she'll go out with her friends during the middle of the week but when I ask her to go out during the middle of the week she says "but I have to get up early in the morning, I don't want to go out". WTF?!!! What is this magical difference between how much pull her friends have compared to the man that she says she loves? I purposely asked her to go to one of their main hangouts (bar/club) and she kept putting me off and putting me off on going there. Finally, she said half jokingly "you just want to go to see were I fly and who knows me and who I know don't you? I'm no dummy, you think I don't know what you're up to". "Noooooooooooo", I replied ultra innocently. We wound up going on a Wednesday evening and they wound up being closed. As we walked up she said kind of sarcastically "ah shucks, guess we're out of luck" and chuckled a sarcastic little chuckle. She apparently wants to keep part of her life a secret from me and fights me on finding out about that part of her life. Extremely frustrating!

 

Yes, I can stay and deal with it or take off and try to find someone more to my liking. Sad it HAS to be one or the other.

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I'm not a very possessive or jealous guy. I do think each person needs some space. Going out to a club and hanging with her girls friends every once in a while wouldn't bother me. A couple of times a month wouldn't be big deal to me. 5 times would be. The other thing that would bother me is she has these exclusive nights with her friends and you are not ever welcomed to join them. When I first started dating my now ex wife she liked to go out with her single girlfriends. I your girlfriend she was better looking then her friends and she admitted she was often the bait. But I would get invited to join them on different occasions, Usually a bit later on so that she could have some girl time. She told me she liked to show me off to her friends. It was a lot of fun I liked being the only guy at a table of 4 to 6 woman. I my presents never put a damper on the other girls fun. Guys still came up to ask them and my GF to dance, she would say no but ask Betty here to dance. It was a lot of fun we even did it after we were married. Meeting for Happy hour or a night out with the Girls. A couple of her friends were i wouldn't say sluts but they were not nuns either. One of her friends was well known for her oral sex skills. I recall one night her friend Linda saw this one guy who was movie star good looking. She ask him to dance he said no I'm gay. Linda without missing a beat said, "I'm better at sucking cock then any man alive." She then turned and slowly walked away.

If your GF isn't willing to include you or curb her nights out. You have to decide whats best for you. Your not happy and if she can't deal with that move on. It really is up to her to make room for you in her life or not. Let her know that you don't want to be excluded.

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sb129

You're right. I don't want to control her and she would not let that happen. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't, let's say it, "cheat" on me. Like I said earlier, I just don't see the point of her socializing with all the guys at the clubs. I don't like that.

 

Funny thing is she'll go out with her friends during the middle of the week but when I ask her to go out during the middle of the week she says "but I have to get up early in the morning, I don't want to go out". WTF?!!! What is this magical difference between how much pull her friends have compared to the man that she says she loves? I purposely asked her to go to one of their main hangouts (bar/club) and she kept putting me off and putting me off on going there. Finally, she said half jokingly "you just want to go to see were I fly and who knows me and who I know don't you? I'm no dummy, you think I don't know what you're up to". "Noooooooooooo", I replied ultra innocently. We wound up going on a Wednesday evening and they wound up being closed. As we walked up she said kind of sarcastically "ah shucks, guess we're out of luck" and chuckled a sarcastic little chuckle. She apparently wants to keep part of her life a secret from me and fights me on finding out about that part of her life. Extremely frustrating!

 

Yes, I can stay and deal with it or take off and try to find someone more to my liking. Sad it HAS to be one or the other.

 

Yes it is sad.

 

I think its wierd that she really doesn't want you to be part of that world. And the fact she will go out on a weeknight with her buddies but not with you is a little unfair.

 

i think you should talk to her about it, without delivering any ultimatums. Just ask her why its so important to her to exclude you from this area of her life, and tell her it hurts your feelings. Her response may trigger your next move.

 

I love going out with my BF. I don't even look at other guys, even when he is not around.

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Being excluded sucks and is suspect but I don't want to force her to invite me along either. Who wants to be around were you're not wanted. It makes me mad that she doesn't offer to invite me to go out partying with her and her friends. Not that I want or need to party, but she hasn't even given me the option to come along or turn down the invitation. Last time she was going to go out to a club, I actually asked to come along to see what she would say and she said "you wouldn't have fun with a bunch of girls". She didn't go out that occasion. She said it was because she was tired. Nice to know I'm not a factor in whether she decides to party or not. If she's available, I always invite her to hang out with my friends and me.

 

It also seems she wants to only do quiet, low key things with me and rowdy things with her friends. Extremely frustrating and confusing! Maybe I should party her ass off until it's more or less out of her system! Nah, that probably wouldn't work because apparently, there's a big difference between partying with her friends and hanging out with me.

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Aw 12many, I don't know what else to say. Sorry you feel so bad about this, its obviously getting you down.

 

You need to take this up with her.

 

Hope it works out.

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littlepiggy1
Funny thing is she'll go out with her friends during the middle of the week but when I ask her to go out during the middle of the week she says "but I have to get up early in the morning, I don't want to go out". WTF?!!! What is this magical difference between how much pull her friends have compared to the man that she says she loves?

 

Dude, you're being a chump. It sounds very much like she simply enjoys the thrill of acting like she's single without any of the responsibility. Because at the end of the day, she's got you waiting at home.

 

Time to stop being a chump, grow a pair and dump her ass. Then find someone better.

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LucreziaBorgia

I hate to put it this way, but it doesn't sound like you and your relationship are as high on her priority list as her "single life". That's why she blows you off during the week for an offer to go out, and accepts the same offer from her friends. If she goes out with you, she won't get the attention she apparently needs from other men. She won't be able to flirt, or show off or "be herself" - and what fun is it to go out if you can't do those things, right? At least by her thinking, anyway. That's also why you are never invited. Its hard to give the impression that you are single and available, and flirt with other men when your boyfriend is hanging around.

 

You'll have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who prioritizes you and relationship the way she does.

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Dude, you're being a chump. It sounds very much like she simply enjoys the thrill of acting like she's single without any of the responsibility. Because at the end of the day, she's got you waiting at home.

 

Time to stop being a chump, grow a pair and dump her ass. Then find someone better.

 

I'd be freakin pissed at being talked to that way...........if I didn't already know how true this is! Problem is I never put my foot down on certain issues because I'm not a dick and don't want to be a dick. Now she's calling her own shots without considering me. My fault at the beginning, during and now.

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She does sound kinda selfish, in a wanting to have her cake and eat it too kind of way.

 

When you are in a R, you do have to consider the others feelings, and she clearly isn't considering yours much.

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I hate to put it this way, but it doesn't sound like you and your relationship are as high on her priority list as her "single life". That's why she blows you off during the week for an offer to go out, and accepts the same offer from her friends. If she goes out with you, she won't get the attention she apparently needs from other men. She won't be able to flirt, or show off or "be herself" - and what fun is it to go out if you can't do those things, right? At least by her thinking, anyway. That's also why you are never invited. Its hard to give the impression that you are single and available, and flirt with other men when your boyfriend is hanging around.

 

You'll have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who prioritizes you and relationship the way she does.

 

I do notice a big difference between how she acts with me (she's very low key and quiet but content most times) and how she acts with her girlfriends and some guy friends (most times verrrrrry extroverted, animated, louder, more joyous). I guess I don't trigger that part of her personality. It must be because I'm kind of low key myself. I can only imagine how she is when she's out of my sight and enabled by her friends. A LOT of women love attention and she's probably no different.

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littlepiggy1
Problem is I never put my foot down on certain issues because I'm not a dick and don't want to be a dick.

 

Dude, women like dick. :D

 

The fact is, no woman is going to respect you if you are like this. It's not about "being a dick". It's about setting boundaries for yourself and enforcing them. Say to yourself, "this is what I want to make me happy". Then if you are with someone that is doing that which makes you unhappy, tell them that. If they don't want to curb it, then break up and find someone else. Being a wuss and enabling that behavior is simply going to result in a lack of respect from women and you being unhappy.

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She does sound kinda selfish, in a wanting to have her cake and eat it too kind of way.

 

When you are in a R, you do have to consider the others feelings, and she clearly isn't considering yours much.

 

 

It's funny how she dissects one of her close friends relationship as how, in her case, her boyfriend "wants to have his cake and eat it too" because he's around basically only when he wants to be around. She also talks about one of her close guy friends who's girlfriend treats him as she wishes but, in her words, "the dummy" just sits there and takes it.

 

So she does understand the concept of selfishness in a relationship obviously.

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I have been too nice. Now when I bring up things I'm concerned about, they'll often wind up ticking her off and getting her angry. I know I should have put my foot down about a few things from the moment we got serious. But I still think it sucks that I feel that I now or ever needed to put my foot down or set rules. She's intelligent and you'd think she'd know better but since I never said anything at the beginning, this is what happens.

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littlepiggy1

12many, I had a similiar situation but in reverse. I had a g/f that initially said she was "okay" with certain behaviors of mine (i.e. looking at porn, drawing naked women--I'm an artist btw), but that later became issues. In that situation I became frustrated and pissed off, because I felt like she was trying to alter my behavior and the rules of the relationship. Now, for a time I tried to go along with it, but it became more and more frustrating as she added things to the pile. So eventually I said, "f**k it" and we broke up.

 

The fact, you are part to blame because you enabled her in this. By not standing up for yourself early on, you condoned it. I don't blame her for getting angry in that instance. And it's true that her behavior isn't entirely respectful either and definitely shows where her priorities are.

 

Really, you two just aren't compatible.

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I'd have to say that some of this sounds like it could be from you not setting boundries, but at the same time, it shouldn't have to be said that she shouldn't be out dancing with random guys. Flirting is one thing as long as its casual, I flirt with other guys even when I'm with my boyfriend because its just fun and what I do, but I generally make it known that it's idle flirting cause most of it is jokingly done, but dancing with other guys when she wont even dance with you is going over the line. While she's not going to drop her friends for you I dont think its out of line for her to rethink how she spends her time with them (maybe going to lunch with them instead). But I guess what I'm trying get at mostly is that you need wear the pants in this relationship otherwise she'll just keep walking all over you, and if she doesn't want to stop the behavior that bothers you, or doesn't understand why you dont like this behavior than I would say that you should probably leave her. Rather than waiting until it will be even harder on you to end it and harder on you to see her going out all the time.

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I am going to be firmer in what I want and need from her. She gets back from Las Vegas tonight. I'll see her Tuesday when I take her to get a medical procedure she needs done. After that, I am going to be black and white about everything that bothers me and if she gives a f*ck about me, she'll cooperate. If she doesn't really give a f*ck about me, then I'll tell her that I need to walk away from the relationship.

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That sounds like the best thing for you to do for you, if she gets mad oh well, you have to look out for your own feelings because she obviously isn't.

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