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Issues with boyfriend and porn


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I am 6 mo. pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. About a month ago, I had a friend tell me about how upset she was that she found porn on her hubby's computer. It sparked my interest. I didn't go snooping, but I did look at my bf's history on the internet, where I found he was going to a lot of porn sites. I was taken aback, and honestly I felt cheated. The thought of him getting off to other woman, ESPECIALLY while I was pregnant, living with me, really hurt me. I confronted him about it, and he admitted it, and promised that he wouldn't look at porn, at least not while I was pregnant. Honestly, because I can't perform the same way that I used to, and growing and feeling fat, knowing that he looks at other woman hurt me bad. So I took his word. But now I was involved. I wanted to know if he was being true. He made it so there was no search history, which made me feel like he was just hiding it now. Then I did snoop, and found that he had porn of woman masturbating SAVED on his com. I of course was pissed, more because he promised me. I confronted him again, and he said it was old. I chose to believe him again. I dropped it. But then I started feeling a huge pressure to have sex with him all the time, for fear that if I didn't, he go back and look at porn. I realized it was a problem, when I was having sex with him even when it was uncomfortable. GIVEN I am 6 mo prego. So I went a day or 2 without sex with him. Then I looked again. He had his history back up. And he was looking at porn again. OFFICE porn. This is relevant to me because he just started working in an office. I am so hurt. But I don't want to bring it up again. Because honestly? It's not my style to snoop. But I feel I was forced to. And I am just so upset. What happens when I CAN'T have sex because I'm too big? I am true hurt. Mostly because he is lying to my face. My trust feels broken. Any advice?

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littlepiggy1
Not all men are like that... Some don't need/want to look at porn.

 

Didn't we already have this discussion? :confused:

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Until you snooped, you didn't notice any problems in your relationship, preganant or not.

 

He's been looking at porn throughout your entire relationship, and long before that - ever since he started masturbating as an adolescent. Men use porn as a masturbation crutch.

 

Don't let this destroy your relationship since there was nothing wrong between you before you found out he used porn. The only thing that has changed between you is that you now know about it. He still feels the same about you as he did before.

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Didn't we already have this discussion? :confused:

 

yep and you still refuse to believe that a man can actually love a women enough to not need porn. :D

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littlepiggy1
yep and you still refuse to believe that a man can actually love a women enough to not need porn. :D

 

I don't refuse to believe it. I just think they are an endangered species. :p

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I don't refuse to believe it. I just think they are an endangered species. :p

 

Thats to bad. Maybe if there were more men like that so many relationships wouldn't fail.....;)

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Until you snooped, you didn't notice any problems in your relationship, preganant or not.

 

He's been looking at porn throughout your entire relationship, and long before that - ever since he started masturbating as an adolescent. Men use porn as a masturbation crutch.

 

Don't let this destroy your relationship since there was nothing wrong between you before you found out he used porn. The only thing that has changed between you is that you now know about it. He still feels the same about you as he did before.

 

I actually thank you for this piece of advice. And I see what you are saying. But what about the underlying issue that he is totally ok with lying to my face? Even when he knows how much it hurt me? And do you really think it's too much to ask him not to look at porn AT LEAST while I'm carrying his child? Is it that much of a clutch that he can't stop for that?

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Jersey Shortie

I don't refuse to believe it. I just think they are an endangered species

 

 

Unfortunetly this is true. There is more porn then ever before and more ways to get it and men do not have the stength obviously to control themselves. Which is unfortunate but true. They don't make men like they use to unfortunetly.

 

And why should men contorl themselves? They can have their cake and eat it to. They can have a relationship with a woman but still get their fill of other women. If women had a medium such as men do with porn, I highly doubt men would be happy. But the truth is we don't. So women in relationships are the ones that have to suffer for it.

 

You're carrying his child and he is maturbating to other women. Nice! Do men try to be hurtful??? It sure seems like it.

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I actually thank you for this piece of advice. And I see what you are saying. But what about the underlying issue that he is totally ok with lying to my face? Even when he knows how much it hurt me? And do you really think it's too much to ask him not to look at porn AT LEAST while I'm carrying his child? Is it that much of a clutch that he can't stop for that?

 

Most guys I've talked to and from what guys on this board have said, porn and masturbation go hand-in-hand. They get so used to it, that they don't separate the two. So when you tell him it hurts you and to stop looking at porn, he probably sees it as you essentially saying stop masturbating. I think you'd have to look long and hard to find a man who can just stop masturbating.

 

You backed him into a corner with the porn. He saw how much it hurt you, so he told you he would stop because he doesn't want to hurt you. And maybe he even intended to stop when he said it. but he couldn't because he uses porn to masturbate. So then he felt he had to hide it so he wouldn't hurt you and continue lying so you wouldn't know so it wouldn't hurt you.

 

Put another way, if you hadn't told him to stop, he wouldn't have lied. If you had just seen the porn and mentioned it to him without telling him to stop, next time you asked, he probably wouldn't have felt he should lie to spare your feelings. I'm guessing you might fantasize while masturbating...if he told you to stop fantasizing, wouldn't you maybe tell him you had even though you hadn't because you need the fantasy to put you over the edge? But to spare his feelings, you would tell him you had stopped fantasizing. The difference is, he can't check the data files in your head to make sure you weren't lying to him.

 

My advice would be just to drop it. Like I said, your relationship was fine before and you never felt unloved or unsexy or un-anything. He's still the same guy he was before you snooped, and your relationship isn't any different.

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It is true what rainfall said-there are a few men who don't look at porn, but they fantasize about women they see in the street or wherever.

 

You can't control a man's thoughts.

 

They will just lie and say "no honey, of course I don't think of anyone but you".

 

They are also so few and far between the chance of you meeting someone who you click with, who likes you back, who is available, and open to a healthy relationship, AND who doesn't look at porn is so small, so miniscule....

 

I had an ex who was so good to me, so kind and caring, I did not have a problem with if he looked at porn-BUT HE SWORE UP AND DOWN HE DIDN"T AND NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT ANOTHER...

 

well-after we broke up he started to admit how he had a nice collection he started when we were together. I asked why he didn't admit it to me, since there would not have been any consequences, he said he just wanted to make me feel special. He intuitively knew that all women want to believe they are the only one the man ever fantasizes about.

 

I had another ex-same thing -swore up and down he thought it was objectifying to look at porn and felt bad for the girls. Well wouldn't you know-his internet history was very porn-i -ful.

 

My point is-there are 3 types of men-

1)the ones who collect porn and admit it

2)the ones who don't look at porn but will make mental snapshots of girls in the street/at work to masterbate to

3) the ones who do either one or both of the above, but know enough to say "oh honey, I never would-never ever never"

 

Take your pick, any which way you cut it, it's not too pleasant, but that is 99.99999 percent of men.

 

Any GUYS disagree?

 

(sorry Rainfall-you can only know yourself with 100% assurance and I never believe when the woman is assuring everyone her man is the exception and never ever ever does that-you can't know unless you are in his head, and you are not.)

 

:)

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Until you snooped, you didn't notice any problems in your relationship, preganant or not.

 

He's been looking at porn throughout your entire relationship, and long before that - ever since he started masturbating as an adolescent. Men use porn as a masturbation crutch.

 

Don't let this destroy your relationship since there was nothing wrong between you before you found out he used porn. The only thing that has changed between you is that you now know about it. He still feels the same about you as he did before.

 

If you follow the same logic, you could say:

 

Don't let this destroy your relationship since there was nothing wrong between you before you found out he had an affair. The only thing that has changed between you is that you now know about it. He still feels the same about you as he did before.

 

This can also be very true, but it doesn't make it less hurtful.

No one likes to be lied to.

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If you follow the same logic, you could say:

 

Don't let this destroy your relationship since there was nothing wrong between you before you found out he had an affair. The only thing that has changed between you is that you now know about it. He still feels the same about you as he did before.

 

This can also be very true, but it doesn't make it less hurtful.

No one likes to be lied to.

 

Believe me, there's a huge difference between an affair and a guy whacking off to pixelized porn alone in his room.

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Believe me, there's a huge difference between an affair and a guy whacking off to pixelized porn alone in his room.

I’m not disputing the difference, I’m just saying this logic doesn’t stand.

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littlepiggy1
Thats to bad. Maybe if there were more men like that so many relationships wouldn't fail.....;)

 

Or maybe if more women accepted normal male sexual behavior relationships wouldn't fail either. :p

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Or maybe if more women accepted normal male sexual behavior relationships wouldn't fail either. :p

 

But its not normal to want to sleep with people besides your partner or to wish your partner was someone esle. It does show that you are unhappy with your partner. If they can't be enough to turn you on then you need to leave them so you both can find someone who can.

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littlepiggy1
But its not normal to want to sleep with people besides your partner or to wish your partner was someone esle. It does show that you are unhappy with your partner. If they can't be enough to turn you on then you need to leave them so you both can find someone who can.

 

You really learned nothing from our past discussions and still stuck on the idea that "fantasy/porn = unhappiness = must find someone who can satisfy them 100%".

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You really learned nothing from our past discussions and still stuck on the idea that "fantasy/porn = unhappiness = must find someone who can satisfy them 100%".

 

I will NOT lower myself to be weak and pathetic and stay with someone who whacks off/sleeps with me and thinks of someone esle. I deserve to be with someone is who as attracted to me as I am to them.

Yes fantasy does = unhappiness. Why fantasize if you have everything you need/want right in front of you.

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littlepiggy1
I will NOT lower myself to be weak and pathetic and stay with someone who whacks off/sleeps with me and thinks of someone esle. I deserve to be with someone is who as attracted to me as I am to them.

Yes fantasy does = unhappiness. Why fantasize if you have everything you need/want right in front of you.

 

You project way too much. Just because you would be unhappy in a relationship with someone who fantasizes (even though you really have no idea), doesn't mean everyone else would be. I, for example, would be perfectly content in a relationship with someone who fantasizes about other people, because I accept it as normal, healthy human behavior.

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You project way too much. Just because you would be unhappy in a relationship with someone who fantasizes (even though you really have no idea), doesn't mean everyone else would be. I, for example, would be perfectly content in a relationship with someone who fantasizes about other people, because I accept it as normal, healthy human behavior.

 

Its fine if you can accept that your partner pretends/thinks of someone esle when they are with you or alone especially since you would be doing the same thing to them.

However don't say its normal or healthy. Its sad when two people have to think about other people because they can't get turned on by their partner alone.

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littlepiggy1
Its fine if you can accept that your partner pretends/thinks of someone esle when they are with you or alone especially since you would be doing the same thing to them.

However don't say its normal or healthy. Its sad when two people have to think about other people because they can't get turned on by their partner alone.

 

It is what it is. Being judgemental about it isn't going to change it.

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It is what it is. Being judgemental about it isn't going to change it.

 

I'm not being judgemental. It is not normal to think of people beside's your partner in a sexual way. Just because you do the behavior does not make it normal.

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littlepiggy1
I'm not being judgemental.

 

Yes you are:

 

Its sad when two people have to think about other people because they can't get turned on by their partner alone.

 

It is not normal to think of people beside's your partner in a sexual way. Just because you do the behavior does not make it normal.

 

No, because based on the data, it seems most people do. That's pretty much the definition of "normal".

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Yes you are:

 

 

 

 

 

No, because based on the data, it seems most people do. That's pretty much the definition of "normal".

 

 

So you don't find it sad that someone doesn't get turned on by their partner alone? You find that to be "normal."

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