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I snooped. Now What?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

 
 
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Old 3rd January 2007, 11:17 PM   #1
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I snooped. Now What?

If you have ever snooped and caught your SO engaging in deceitful behavior, please read on. I'll do my best to be pithy.

I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months. He is in the military so we are long-distance, but we spend just about every weekend together. He is very attentive, affectionate, etc. etc. and I never have felt that I needed to doubt him for any reason. We are very much in love and believe that this relationship will last for the foreseeable future. I am very cynical and have trust issues, so I rarely get caught off guard.

Over the holidays he was home for a 2-week hiatus. First I checked his cell phone for no reason in particular and discovered he had conversed briefly with an ex-girlfriend he is still in contact with, and he had told me two days prior he had not heard from her in months. I confronted him, told him what I did and what I found out, and he was very apologetic, claiming he lied because he did not want her to be an issue for us. I made it very clear that this is unacceptable, and he agreed, and said he'd never keep things like this from me again.

A few days later I happened upon his email which was already logged into. I did not sit down with the intention to look, but there it was, so I did. He was not home at the time. He and another "friend" (a girl he's known since high school) had exchanged e-mails over the course of the last 4 months, many of which contained inappropriate flirting (eg, calling each other "babe," telling each other how much they missed each other, etc). I confronted him again and learned that he had screwed around with this girl a year ago (well before meeting me) while she was living with someone else and contemplating leaving. She didn't leave, she's engaged to the guy now, but she and my SO are still communicating.

This of course led to a rather emotionally intense few days for us as we tried to sort through all this.

He has offered to cut these women completely out of his life because we both agree that it is the only way I will feel OK about everything. I know that otherwise I will constantly wonder if he is hiding his communications with them from me, in whole or in part.

I feel very confident he has not seen either of these women since he has been with me. As I said, we are long distance and these women live in my area, and when he's here, he's with me all the time.

So what do I do now? I'm feeling very down about it, and I'm worried I'll never recover and be able to fully trust him now that he's deceived me. Do I look at his phone every chance I get now? Use his passwords to get into his email? Install a keylogging device on my own computer (he uses it when he's here)? I don't want to be naive, but I also don't want to turn into a paranoid lunatic, either.

I guess I just need some words of wisdom from anyone who has been there. I appreciate so much anything you have to tell me.
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Old 4th January 2007, 4:07 AM   #2
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Been there...

Dump him becuz he lied. People who can do things like that behind other people's back are going to do it over and over. You cannot change this quality in a person.

You are going to drive yourself crazy thinking about what this guy is doing behind your back. Your precious time is not worth it.

The problem with some INSECURE people is that they always need a backup in their pocket should the relationship they are in fails. Keeping an ex in their life is an easy ego-booster. These insecure people keep exs around by either leading them on that they could possibly have a relationship in the future or keep them around for easy sex. The ex who goes for this probably has very low self esteem and will take any bone thrown to them.

Go find yourself someone who walks on solid ground and is secure. They are out there, just will take a little bit of time and positive thinking to get what you need and deserve.

Best of luck,
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Old 4th January 2007, 7:36 AM   #3
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Take it from me, leave now before he ends up hurting you later on, I have been with my now ex b/f for 2 1/2 years we were engaged for not long before I found out he was in contact with an ex love, this was not the first time, I caught him either, this was the third time!
I forgave him the first two times as he seemed so sincere and sorry about it. It took a long time for me to trust him again, but I did and now I am so sorry that I ever did as I said, I found out he has been lying.

When I confronted him he only lied some more finally after me yelling and losing it he told me the truth, well some truth anyways, he is still lying and now my whole life is turned upside down and for what...all because he couldn't stop contacting girls from his past, yes that is right I said girls...it was three different girls in total.
So please leave him and find someone who will be honest with you because he already lied and he will continue to do so.
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Old 4th January 2007, 10:12 PM   #4
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Wait it out a bit longer and see how you feel. Maybe snoop here and there for a month and if you find nothing, you can begin trusting him again. If you find something ANYTHING at all then he is done
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Old 5th January 2007, 4:54 PM   #5
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Cool trust

trust is a difficult thing especially for someone with trust issues... duh...
but it sounds like you know your man loves you and isn't doing anything naughty given that, the truth is you just have to pick one or the other:

1. either accept the fact that he's going to keep some things from you and that that doesn't make him a cheater and that even if he promises to cut these women off it doesn't necessarily mean he will (as he has already proven)... think about it more as a difference in defining terms - you think he's lying, he thinks he avoiding the inconvenience of probably angering you and ensuing an argument.... it sounds tough but its pretty easy once you accept it

or

2. accept the fact that you want a man who will be an open book with you and look for him because its not who you're with

best of luck!
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Old 5th January 2007, 5:27 PM   #6
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Yep, you pretty much hit the nail on the head, Guest.

I'm going to see how things play out for a while.
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Old 5th January 2007, 5:54 PM   #7
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I've been in a similar situation 3 times. It didn't work out well in any of them. Keep your eyes open.
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Old 5th January 2007, 5:55 PM   #8
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Thank you. My eyes are definitely open, and will be for a long time.
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Old 5th January 2007, 6:35 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guest View Post
Take it from me, leave now before he ends up hurting you later on, I have been with my now ex b/f for 2 1/2 years we were engaged for not long before I found out he was in contact with an ex love, this was not the first time, I caught him either, this was the third time!
I forgave him the first two times as he seemed so sincere and sorry about it. It took a long time for me to trust him again, but I did and now I am so sorry that I ever did as I said, I found out he has been lying.

When I confronted him he only lied some more finally after me yelling and losing it he told me the truth, well some truth anyways, he is still lying and now my whole life is turned upside down and for what...all because he couldn't stop contacting girls from his past, yes that is right I said girls...it was three different girls in total.
So please leave him and find someone who will be honest with you because he already lied and he will continue to do so.
Is this guest now registered with a name - I'd like to talk to you - we have very similar stories.
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Old 6th January 2007, 5:03 PM   #10
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So how did you handle it, then, SueBee?
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Old 8th January 2007, 8:27 AM   #11
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So how did you handle it, then, SueBee?
Well Jamie in my situation, I did snoop too. To make my long story short, I found out my bf had went out on me 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship. I was hurt, he seemed sorry so I forgave and we went on with our relationship. I married him after dating 2 1/2 yrs and found out he had cheated on me more than once. Basically I was at work and called him at home - he was on the computer which was odd since he really didn't use the computer much at all. I got home and checked history - found a strange email account and basically figured out the password and got into it. That opened up a whole can of worms. That's where I found out about all his cheating.

At this point, we are divorcing. I've tried for almost 4 years to "get over" his cheating. I know he cheated while dating and hasn't (as far as I know) cheated since marrying me but the lies, betrayal and deception is too much for me to handle. I just don't trust him and I can't seem to get the trust back even though there's no signs of cheating on his part. Even though there are no signs, he kept his cheating while dating me a secret for 2 1/2 yrs! And he was very good at that time in acting as if I was the only one, and he was so lucky to have found me, etc., etc. So you see now I don't know if he's not cheating or if he's still just acting and covering it up.
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Old 8th January 2007, 10:06 PM   #12
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine how horrifying all this is for you.

I really hope I don't have to go through something like that. We never really know, do we? They say the right things, do the right things, but sometimes they are just so damn good at lying. It's hard for me to reconcile whether it's better to be alone forever than risk being in a situation where someone totally pulls the rug out from under you like that.

I hope my guy does as he says he will. We'll see.
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