Wife Unfaithful

[Searching]

I'm a 42 year old male- married with 2 kids. After 11yrs my marriage was going through a tough time as I was starting a new business and spending countless hours working. (Ironically to help improve my marriage and time with family). To be brief- my wide had an affair with a married guy (pond scum sucking loser) who was a family friend whom I had allowed to stay (free of charge) at our ski house for 2 years as his wife didn't ski.

 

I moved out after I found the love letters/phone records and vowed to never return. After several months I found that I couldn't move on. (Without bragging I'm an attractive, fit, successful guy who my friends say is a "a great catch"). However- frankly- I could not date other women. I just couldn't get myself to move on.

 

We've been to counseling before the affair but not since. I'm skeptical about its value at the moment.

 

About 2 months ago- I initiated a reconcilation (while keeping my separate residence). I have tried to make things work with my wife- but even after a year I'm having a hard time forgiving an affair that was carried out before my very eyes. (in hindsight- I should have known).

 

I was really starting to turn the corner recently until a few weeks ago. After several months of NOT looking at her cell phone records- I saw it sitting on the kitchen counter one day. On a whim- I looked and shockingly saw a call the day before with "scumbag" for 15 mins.

 

When I challenged her- she claimed that she had seen him while driving, felt uncomfortable about not being able to speak with an old family friend, had not spoken to him otherwise- blah blah blah...

 

She seems genuinely regretful about the affair- and professes her love for me, desire to make things right etc...Still... I don't know. I want to make things work- because I do love this...woman- and I love my kids more than anything.

 

Nevertheless,I don't feel like I can ever trust her again. I still feel like I want to hunt down scumbag (lives 2 towns away) and beat him into a bloody pulp. I'm so tormented and I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate any thoughts, opinions, ideas, (phone numbers of non-cheating, attractive, available women in the Boston area). Can anybody out there relate? Am I an idiot for still trying to make this work? Should I just "suck it up" and move on for the sake of my family? Will I feel better to put a serious hurtin' on the scumbag ex-friend?

[Tony T]

I don't have much to contribute to this BUT I urge you to forget any violence towards the man (he was never your friend) who your wife cheated with. It will only get you in jail.

 

You need some excellent quality counseling. I've never been in your situation but I can see that it would be very difficult to resolve. You are very correct, it will be extremely difficult to trust your wife again. On the other hand, she is human. humans cheat. It often has nothing to do with their partner. It just has to do with the primitive inclination of the human animal to have more than one partner. If you don't do anything else, try to forgive her for having totally normal urges and for not having sufficient self control to have those in check. I suspect it's a brain thing and she only has the one she was given.

 

A counselor will help you in this situation. If you want to stay, that can be facilitated. If after a few sessions you conclude you want or need to move on, a highly competent therapist will help you through that by giving you strategies to do that.

 

I promise you, it's a small investment to help you through this difficult period. Even with help, it won't be easy with two children but please don't put them through a lot of drama if this is an impossible situation to remain in.

 

I don't buy your wife's explanation of that phone call to her former honey. Sounds like she hasn't broken away from that deal.

 

Again, please...no violence. Your wife is JUST as responsible, if not more so, than the guy.

[Searching]

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I'll put my violent side in check and deal with this rationally.

[Bryanp]

I agree with the above poster. I am afraid that your wife is still playing you. Her explanation is really bull****. Here she is supposedly remorseful for humiliating you in the worst possible way and you catch her again in a 15 minute phone call to her lover? She sees him in a car and misses talking to him....Oh Please! If the roles were reversed do you honestly believe that she would accept and believe such crap from you? It sounds like she has still not broken away from him. I think you would be foolish to pusue this.

 

Look what she did to you right under your nose. She and he clearly were getting off over screwing each other virtually right in front of you. You try to initiate recovery and you find at the very least she is contact with him and gives you a bull**** story to justify it. I do not wish to be mean but do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? It is pretty clearly that she does not respect you at all and is still playing games behind your back and lying to you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[reservoirdog1]

When I challenged her- she claimed that she had seen him while driving, felt uncomfortable about not being able to speak with an old family friend, had not spoken to him otherwise- blah blah blah...

Sorry pal, but my BS meter's going off something fierce.

 

I'd be willing to bet that she's still cheating.

 

Who called who? If he called her, that's one thing. Still a huge problem because she should have hung up and told you immediately about the call. But if she called him... then I'd have huge suspicions.

 

Dude, get a keylogger on your computer ASAP. Check her cell records. And if you find much more that concerns you, I'd consider divorce.

[whichwayisup]

She has to choose, you or him. She cannot be friends with him at all. No calls to see how he's doing, nothing! Who cares if he was a family friend!! He's a cancer to your marriage, and as long as he's quietly hanging out, talking to your wife, her focus isnt' 100% on you and fixing the marriage.

 

Can you two go to marriage counselling? It can help if she's willing to go and also do all that is necessary to gain your trust and faith in her again. She has to be an open book, no hiding anything.

 

She needs to understand the consquences of her actions..She has the other man in her life, she doesn't get you in her life. Plain and simple. She can't have it both ways and if she believes she can still have him just as a friend, she's fooling herself.

[Searching]

Thank you for the blunt, and necessary, feedback. I think it's time for this "ol boy to move on. Life is too short to deal with this nonsense. Deep down I know I deserve better than this. I totally appreciate the feedback I've gotten. This really helps.

[Sup]

Thank you for the blunt, and necessary, feedback. I think it's time for this "ol boy to move on. Life is too short to deal with this nonsense. Deep down I know I deserve better than this. I totally appreciate the feedback I've gotten. This really helps.

 

 

So what are you gonna tell your wife, when? Please keep us posted.

[Searching]

I've told her that I don't trust her and that I'm not sure I can ever "forgive and forget"- especially when she somehow thinks it's O.K. for her to initiate contact with her ex-lover a year after their affair ended (I think).

 

She set up a couples counseling session on Wednesday and I will go- and listen. Beyond that I'm just going to take things one day at a time- and try to feel O.K. being alone. The door isn't completely closed- but I'm pretty effing tired of hearing explanations and excuses- rather than heartfelt regret and contrition.

 

I wish I'd had the stones to walk away for good when I first learned of the affair. The separation / am I in?-am I out? rutine is starting to take its toll on me.

 

This forum is really helpful. Thanks again for any/all feedback. I'll keep you updated.

[Sup]

I would leave if I were you, are there kids involved? Whether or not if there are, contact a lawyer and see what YOUR rights are, then get outta there before she gives you an STD, have you been tested yet? Ask about sole custody, etc.

[Bryanp]

Hi Searching,

 

The real major problem I see is that she has such a broken moral compass. For here to carry on her affair with your friend in your ski house under your nose like that for such a time really shows such utter distain for you and your marriage. Clearly she was getting some thrill doing this right under your nose indicates a person with serious character and moral flaws.

 

Calling the other guy and giving excuses such as I saw him so I had to call after a year indicates she is probably lying and more importantly indicates that she is not truly serious about recovery and likes keeping this guy on the side just in case. You know if the roles were reversed she would never have tolerated it from you. I really get this feeling that you do not know the full story and that she has been in contact with him more than you think.

 

Finally, even if you got back with her how could you ever really trust her again? Clearly she had no problem lying and cheating virtually in front of you. She sounds like quite a player and a person who is very good at lying, cheating and making all sorts of excuses for her behavior. There are other women in this world who can love, cherish and respect you and the meaning of a true committment. Your wife is not this person and I think you know this. I wish you luck.

[Grrlish]

Searching:

 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.

 

I hope that you'll go to counseling with an open mind and a positive outlook - meaning with the hope that your marriage can still be saved. This is only a possibility if you really go into it still wanting it. If you still want it, don't let your ego rule the situation. It's virtually impossible to keep you ego out of this situation, but don't let it rule.

 

She was clearly in the wrong for having the affair. She does need to recognize that she forfeited the old family friend as a friend when she had the affair. Hopefully, a therapist can make this clear.

 

Go the the therapist and do MORE than just listen. You need to actively participate for YOUR own good and for YOUR own benefit. If you listen and just don't like what she has to say, then you can just blame her and walk away without doing any work at all. Therapy needs to be interactive. If you can only stand to talk to the therapist at first, tell him/her that.

 

Searcing, people do get past these things with a lot of love, patience, and intention. A good therapist can help you two through this, if you want to get through it.

 

Good luck.

[Searching]

Thanks for your advise. I won't a non active participant in therapy but I'm really just looking for some evidence of her willingness to go "above and beyond" to earn my love and trust back. Calling her ex isn't on that list. Nevertheless, we have a 7 yr old son together whom I love more than anything- so I will still try to keep the door open.