boyfriend constantly teases me

[luvkitties]

I've been dating a man off and on for the past 3 years...he's smart, handsome, and we have many things in common, but there's a problem, and it has managed to break us up several times over the past 3 years.

 

He constantly "teases" me about everything. Where I live, things I say/do, facial expressions, my car, my heritage, my religion...nothing is "off limits" to this man. There was a time when it was worse than this...he used to poke me in the stomach and call me Buddha...he would compliment me on my appearance, but then tell me in the same breath that I have a big nose and a big forehead, followed by "I'm just teasing you...can't you take a joke?" And then if I get upset about something, he says I'm "too sensitive" and I need to "let it go already". For instance, I had an ex-bf who was a porn addict, and said some very nasty things to me when we broke up...this guy and I were in a t-shirt store, and he saw a shirt with the Playboy bunny image...he thought I should get that shirt, and said something else that set me off. He knows that I'm still very sensitive about what happened with that ex, but he still continues to make comments, and tells me I'm "ridiculous" for the way I feel. He has also made it clear that he isn't going to/shouldn't have to "walk on eggshells" for anyone, including me...he says he just has a teasing personality, and he doesn't mean any harm by anything...just having fun with me. He says he teases everyone in a "no holds barred" fashion, and I'm the only one who is bothered by his behavior...everyone else supposedly enjoys his teasing. When he says that, it makes me feel as if he's right when he says I'm being too sensitive...maybe I am being too sensitive, I don't know.

 

I like to joke around too, but I don't do it constantly, and I would NEVER intentionally say something that I thought would hurt him (or anyone else). He feels that no one deserves respect... it has to be earned, whereas I'm the opposite...I respect everyone initially and base further respect on an individual basis. He said that his teasing personality is just who he is, and it will never change. I don't mind being teased about some things, but other things I do mind...he then tells me that he doesn't want to censor himself and can't be happy unless he can pester me about everything...he said last night that I'm not allowed to pick and choose what I can and can't be teased about...

 

I told him that I feel some things he says to me are downright disrespectful (ex--the t-shirt incident), which he just rolls his eyes and says "whatever". Sometimes I sleep over at his place and he gets in my face and wakes me up on purpose just to laugh in my face. I'll be reading a magazine or the paper or watching tv, and he keeps getting his face closer to mine so that I look at him, and then he laughs. He says it's all in good fun...maybe for him, but not for me. He says/does things to me because "he wants to get a reaction out of me to see what I will say/do next". I had a 5 hour conversation with him last night, and basically told him that either he starts respecting me, or I'm hitting the door running. Problem is, I do love him and I would be hurt if we broke up for the 3rd time...and, I feel as if it would kill me inside if he ever found someone else...I have told my counselor all of this, and he thinks my bf is trying to control me and have the "upper hand"...I told my bf that, and he thinks my counselor is a "quack".....

 

Also, this man is not very affectionate...I have to practically beg him to kiss me or cuddle or things like that...in the past, we had a sexual relationship, and that was lackluster at best...he says he's willing to work on this stuff, but I'm not so sure I see it happening....I am a very affectionate person and I need a man that wants/desires me as much as I want/desire him...is that so wrong?

 

I know this is really long, and I apologize, but I just needed to get all of this out...thanks for "listening"

 

~Lori

[Pyro]

I've been dating a man off and on for the past 3 years...he's smart, handsome, and we have many things in common, but there's a problem, and it has managed to break us up several times over the past 3 years.

 

He constantly "teases" me about everything. Where I live, things I say/do, facial expressions, my car, my heritage, my religion...nothing is "off limits" to this man. There was a time when it was worse than this...he used to poke me in the stomach and call me Buddha...he would compliment me on my appearance, but then tell me in the same breath that I have a big nose and a big forehead, followed by "I'm just teasing you...can't you take a joke?" And then if I get upset about something, he says I'm "too sensitive" and I need to "let it go already". For instance, I had an ex-bf who was a porn addict, and said some very nasty things to me when we broke up...this guy and I were in a t-shirt store, and he saw a shirt with the Playboy bunny image...he thought I should get that shirt, and said something else that set me off. He knows that I'm still very sensitive about what happened with that ex, but he still continues to make comments, and tells me I'm "ridiculous" for the way I feel. He has also made it clear that he isn't going to/shouldn't have to "walk on eggshells" for anyone, including me...he says he just has a teasing personality, and he doesn't mean any harm by anything...just having fun with me. He says he teases everyone in a "no holds barred" fashion, and I'm the only one who is bothered by his behavior...everyone else supposedly enjoys his teasing. When he says that, it makes me feel as if he's right when he says I'm being too sensitive...maybe I am being too sensitive, I don't know.

 

I like to joke around too, but I don't do it constantly, and I would NEVER intentionally say something that I thought would hurt him (or anyone else). He feels that no one deserves respect... it has to be earned, whereas I'm the opposite...I respect everyone initially and base further respect on an individual basis. He said that his teasing personality is just who he is, and it will never change. I don't mind being teased about some things, but other things I do mind...he then tells me that he doesn't want to censor himself and can't be happy unless he can pester me about everything...he said last night that I'm not allowed to pick and choose what I can and can't be teased about...

 

I told him that I feel some things he says to me are downright disrespectful (ex--the t-shirt incident), which he just rolls his eyes and says "whatever". Sometimes I sleep over at his place and he gets in my face and wakes me up on purpose just to laugh in my face. I'll be reading a magazine or the paper or watching tv, and he keeps getting his face closer to mine so that I look at him, and then he laughs. He says it's all in good fun...maybe for him, but not for me. He says/does things to me because "he wants to get a reaction out of me to see what I will say/do next". I had a 5 hour conversation with him last night, and basically told him that either he starts respecting me, or I'm hitting the door running. Problem is, I do love him and I would be hurt if we broke up for the 3rd time...and, I feel as if it would kill me inside if he ever found someone else...I have told my counselor all of this, and he thinks my bf is trying to control me and have the "upper hand"...I told my bf that, and he thinks my counselor is a "quack".....

 

Also, this man is not very affectionate...I have to practically beg him to kiss me or cuddle or things like that...in the past, we had a sexual relationship, and that was lackluster at best...he says he's willing to work on this stuff, but I'm not so sure I see it happening....I am a very affectionate person and I need a man that wants/desires me as much as I want/desire him...is that so wrong?

 

I know this is really long, and I apologize, but I just needed to get all of this out...thanks for "listening"

 

~Lori

 

 

Welcome to the shack luvkitties.

 

You need to tell him to grow up, or ditch the jerk. I think the fact that you guys have been on and off the past few years gives him the idea that he can act in this way and you won't ever leave him. Its time to stand up for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

He's putting you down, then bringing you up. He's being a jerk-off and you're letting him get away with it.

 

The next time he tells you how great you look and there's a BUT in there (like hey, nice dress, too bad ~insert smartass comment here ~! Tell him you're going home.

 

Riddler is right, you must stand your ground with him and set some boundries up. If you don't, he's just going to keep on treating you this way, making you feel bad about yourself. A joke is a joke, but when someone is pickin' on ya for fun ALL the time, it gets tiresome and eventually can sink in and make you feel worse.

[Island Girl]

You shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you feel so beaten up. That is the way you feel right?

 

He isn't meeting your needs - you said he isn't affectionate - and his comments are hurtful. You have obviously communicated your feelings quite clearly. His comments about he is "just kidding" and you shouldn't take it so seriously. He knows he is digging at you. But he also knows you are putting up with it.

 

Why? You say he is handsome, blah, blah, blah. But he hurts you on purpose. I don't care how successful or put together he is. You are an intelligent woman who has the ability to reach out and really care for another person. Find the person who is going to care too because this guy doesn't.

 

I'm sure smooth words come out of his mouth when he is being nice for the moment but he doesn't really care or he wouldn't do that to you.

[Hitman10000]

It's alright being mean here and there but if it's constant it could be a bigger sign:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

 

or

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-social_personality_disorder

 

Dunno about you, but I was a son raised by a man who thinks he is holier than thou and makes fun of everyone, very cruel and controlling. I damn hope you don't have kids with this loser.

[lonelybird]

he says I'm "too sensitive" and I need to "let it go already".

next time he says this, just tell him (eye to eye) there is NO "TOO sensitive", and agree with him you are sensitive, and tell him to respect your feelings.

if you let this slide, further controlling maybe follow.

[Walk]

Just wanted to say I know how hurtful the "teasing" can be, and how much it can make a person feel like crap.

 

Some possibilities for why he's doing it.. he may have lost respect for you. He might feel he's worthless and try to pull you down to his level. His need to constantly get your attention, even negative attention seems to point toward this. Plus, subconciously, he may feel the need to cut you down in order to feel "safe" that you won't leave him for someone better..

 

I think one thing you really need to remember is that your feelings are valid, and you have every right to feel as you do. If his comments, jokes, actions hurt you, or bother you, then you have a right to feel that way. You don't sound "too sensitive" to me. You sound completely normal. When he says you're being too sensitive, what he's really saying is he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. If he can pass it off as your problem, then he never has to put any thought or effort into how you feel, or how to create a better relationship.

 

He isn't showing you respect or love. And until you stand up for yourself, and put your foot down, he's going to continue doing this. Set some boundaries on how you expect to be treated and enforce them.

[Zankon]

I know exactly what you'tr going through cuz one of my dad's friends is like

that. Let me tell you that those type of people love to pick on others to make themselves feel bigger. He's basically doing it because you're taking it

and it makes him feel good. It's ok to do it once in while when it's funny for

both of you. I wonder if your bf would do the same thing to his boss? I DOUBT IT!!!

 

I tease my gf all the time but I know her limits so I never push that far and now she s throws stuff back at me like 'how come you're so short' (we're both 5'7) or she d put her heals on and say "darn I cant wear them cuz u would look like my little brother" But she knows it doesn't bother me thats why she says it.

 

So joking around adds some spices to life but like anything else too much of it becomes annoying and your bf past that limit by faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.

 

If you really love him, u shouldn't breakup over this. Best thing to do is ignore his jokes. Don't laugh, dont be sad, dont ask him to stop... u have to be 100% neutral... trust me it works.

At one point he ll ask you how come you're not laughing, just say 'is that your best shot?!?!?" If he asks if it bothers you say "nope I wasn't really listening"... I did that to my dad's friend and believe me he gave up!

 

Bottom line is he keeps going because you react so don't give him that luxury

[luvkitties]

Thanks for the links...actually, my counselor has said that antisocial personality disorder may be what's going on here...and, no, I don't have any kids with him...he can't have any because he's sterile

 

~Lori

[luvkitties]

Island Girl,

 

Yes, I do feel "beaten", in addition to irritated, uncomfortable, and generally unhappy overall...he says he will try to be better, but how long do I wait? Should I even have to wait? I know that no one is perfect, but where do you draw the line? I guess I just don't know whether this should be worked on, or if I should move on...

 

~Lori

[MadDog]

This one's an easy one. The solution to your problem: get a new boyfriend. So simple.

[Walk]

...he says he will try to be better, but how long do I wait? Should I even have to wait?

 

Personally, I believe that if you aren't seeing serious improvement right now, then you've waited long enough. This means he puts big effort into respecting your wishes. If he slips up, then he apologizes as soon as he realizes it, and works harder to not make the mistake again.

 

You'll know if he's actually trying or not to respect your wishes. You're a smart girl. If he's serious about "trying to be better" then there will be effort on his part.

 

Don't wait for him to start putting effort in.. if he isn't trying now, there's no reason he's going to try later. Besides... how freakin' much of an ass is he to say he knows it hurts you and that he should change, and then never do so even minutely!!?!