!! His Ex-wife's The Boss!

[HeartDM66]

Met/dated a divorced father of 2. [The kids live with HIM] Great relationship, lots in common, love his kids [ages 10 & 8], family connection, etc--Happy Happy Happy! Wanted to marry this man and LOVED the thought of 2 stepchildren, as I am a young 40, never married/no children. In not wanting to waste time on another dead end, I asked early in the relationship how he felt about another baby and remarriage. He was optimistic to both.

 

My only issue is how he handles his ex-wife. She is very manipulative and jealous. She uses the children as pawns, and in his wanting "what is best for his kids," he gives in to her to avoid negative drama.[drama includes police at times] Quite often, at the expense of my feelings!

 

Our 14 month relationship came to a halt 3 months ago.He suddenly pulled away, made excuses not to have me over [we live 1 mile apart] and the Ex's car began showing up more than usual! [odd hours included]. This continued for about 3 weeks. I regret not confonting him--I was afraid to rock the boat and loose my relationship/happiness. My mistake, I know. Finally...an explaination came.

 

I was given a song and dance about being overwhelmed. He was about to close a house. His kids. The pressure/travel of his job. Etc, etc. He stated he didnt have the needed time I deserved. So, FOR NOW, he felt we should do our own thing until he could clear off his very full plate. He told me this was NOT a cop out, nor was it really a break up. He merely felt it unfair for me to put my life on hold while he dealt with personal issues. He said he absolutely wanted us to work this out, and hoped I wouldnt meet anyone else while we were apart--but it would be his loss if I did.

 

I feared a cop out, and this was just his "OUT." But he called 3 times within the first 14 days of our "break" to say hello. I trusted this was simply about needing some time, and tried to support his request. However...I recently figured out the ENTIRE reason he needed space/time! Yes, he is dealing with things. But he convienently left out the part about HIS EX-WIFE [and her 19 yr old daughter--college student, on summer break]ARE HOMELESS AND STAYING WITH HIM! She had been at the old house [hence his avoiding me] & he knew he had to move her WITH him to the new house! He came up with this "break" as he needed me out of the picture--until she moves out. I can't come over while she is living there! Ahhh, 2+2+2=6!

 

I am HURT and angry that he didnt feel he could tell me the ENTIRE truth. I have to assume he thought I'd freak out and leave him,--just as his past girlfriends. I don't believe there is anything sexual going on with the Ex. I think having grown up without his own biological Mother, he feels obligated to help her, rather than allow his children's Mother to remain in the street. A family friend fished for info, and the kids blabbed that Mom & Sis sleep down in the finished basement. Again, don't think this is about them getting back together. We've been on this break for about 9 or 10 weeks now. He said he wanted us to remain friends, yet his early contact efforts...have stopped.

 

Is he avoiding me/stopped calling because he IS overwhelmed? Or does his conscience know he's not been totally honest, and he fears contact with me gives me the chance to start asking questions? Or, was this truly a cop-out/ his "out" from the start? I think I made a huge mistake by being so strong and supportive. I have never cried or shown vulnerability [in front of him], or let him know how hurt I am. I think he thinks I AM OKAY with this and is taking advantage of my "understanding." Truth be told...I am a WRECK! But he doesn't know it! I know I need to confront him, and we need to talk. But do I go to him, or allow him to come to me with the truth? [to my knowledge, he is unaware that I know the Ex is living in his house]

 

He has childhood issues that I think he needs to work out. Having been abandoned by his biological mother, he now OVERCOMPENSATES that his kids don't have their Mother either! How do I get him to seek therapy without him going on the defense?? If he is unwilling to face these issues, and make needed changes, I don't think I can take him back, as I don't want a lifetime of him putting his Ex's needs before mine! Do I sit him down and talk, or do I just walk away??? HELP!

 

PS**I am going to see him this week for the first time since we broke up. [A roadtrip planned prior to the break, that he agreed we'd still go on--with 5 other friends]. I am nervous that he will reject me, ruin the trip, and make this break permanent