Lying Boyfriend

[guest]

My boyfriend has been lying to me. I can't stand smoking, and when we first got together he was a smoker. But after about a year together i told him i couldn't bear it anymore and so he stopped. Since then we've even been on a weeks holiday together where we never left each others sight and so i knew he wasn't smoking. Its now 4 months since he stopped and a family member has informed me that he hasn't stopped, and he still smokes with colleagues and friends. I feel so betrayed as he has repeatedly being lying to me about this for 4 months. I don't know what to do about this. I love him, but don't feel i can trust him. But is it worth me leaving him over, its not like he's cheated on me. Please help.

[x kimber x]

I wouldn't say it was worth leaving him over, but you do need to sit him down and explain that you feel let down by his lying about it. Maybe he needs a bit more support and help quitting, but doesn't want to admit it?

[Toni_no12002]

I dont think it was right of him to lie to you about it but in a way i dont think it was fair of you to tell him to stop.He can only stop if HE wants to because otherwise his effort wont be in it.I smoke and my boyfriend doesnt.He doesnt like me smoking but he said he will put up with it as long as i dont do it near him.Thats fair enough i think.

 

If he ever told me to stop i wouldnt because one he knew i was a smoker before he got with me and it isnt fair on me.It is an addiction and it is hard to stop but if i tried stopping only because my boyfriend told me to im afraid it wouldnt work because deep down i know my heart wouldnt be in it.

 

You need to talk to him.Explain your hurt that he lied.If he cant stop maybe you can come to an arrangement.He doesnt smoke near you and he could have some mints afterwards or something?

[x kimber x]

I dont think it was right of him to lie to you about it but in a way i dont think it was fair of you to tell him to stop.He can only stop if HE wants to because otherwise his effort wont be in it.I smoke and my boyfriend doesnt.He doesnt like me smoking but he said he will put up with it as long as i dont do it near him.Thats fair enough i think.

 

If he ever told me to stop i wouldnt because one he knew i was a smoker before he got with me and it isnt fair on me.It is an addiction and it is hard to stop but if i tried stopping only because my boyfriend told me to im afraid it wouldnt work because deep down i know my heart wouldnt be in it.

 

You need to talk to him.Explain your hurt that he lied.If he cant stop maybe you can come to an arrangement.He doesnt smoke near you and he could have some mints afterwards or something?

 

That's a good point - you can't 'make' someone stop, they have to want to. Perhaps your boyfriend was rebelling against your orders? You really do need to have a chat with him Hope you work things out.

[Walk]

You asked him to quit for you, because you couldn't "bear it" anymore. Do you mean that the smoke was bothering you? Or the effects on him?

 

You knew he was a smoker, and didn't set the law down til a year after being together. And now your upset that he's sneaking them behind your back?

 

He's lying. sure. But why? You've stated your opinions on the matter to him. He knows how you feel about it. He can't be honest with you without suffering, at the very least, an argument, possibly you breaking up with him.

 

I'm not sure if you've ever had an addiction before? I hope not, but it never goes away. I quit smoking for a year, and a day didn't pass that I didn't think about smoking, wanting a cigarette, how good it would feel to have one, how I wished I had one right then... Every single day. Its not easy. And just when you think you finally have some control over it, you have one cigarette with a friend and bam, your addicted all over again, and have to start from scratch.

 

Anyway, he's lying because he knows you don't approve. He's lying because you don't understand. He's lying because he can't talk to you about it. You aren't supporting, you're ordering. What's he supposed to do, tell you he slipped up one night and had a few cigarettes? You'd probably blow a nut. And if you wouldn't, does he know you wouldn't?

 

And if it bothered you so much, why did you date him to start with? Have you offered to make a substantial change to yourself after asking him to change for you? Maybe you gave up all chocolate or sugar? Those aren't healthy for you either. Sure you can eat them in moderation.. but if he's only smoking a couple cigarettes a week, then those aren't going to hurt him any more than eating unhealthy food. If you want to be gestapo on him, then you better be willing to give him the same say over you. Let him chose one aspect about you that he doesn't like, and tell you to change it or you're over. Maybe you should try it just to see how hard it is. You won't even be addicted to it, and I doubt you could do it.

 

You're not wrong for being concerned for his health. But its not about his health and well-being, it's about YOU. What you want, and what you won't tolerate in your life. Otherwise, you'd fight to help him with this. You'd make sure that he felt comfortable coming to you during times he might not be able to fight off those cravings. Instead of being pissed about this, you'd approach him and TALK to him about how the BOTH of you could fight together to help him. Here you have inside knowledge of what he's doing, and you could take this opportunity to show how strongly you care for him and how much you want to help him beat this so that HE can have a healthier, longer life. Instead, You've made it a personal pissing match. You laid down the law and he's broken it. This is all about you anyway. How it affects your life, and your standards. So just break up with him already and date NON smokers from now on, okay.