Criminal Record Checks

[Groovy]

I always check criminal records out of anyone I date. One guy had everything I wanted but when I found out he had 2 counts of domestic battery from the past 20 years I broke it off and never told him the real reason.

 

We still talk and I haven't found many men who treated me special. A year later he doesn't understand why I left. I'm friends with his twin sister and she told me he really liked me. I found out from someone that his ex wife had mental illness.

 

Some people feel I should have just asked him about the records and other people said just stay away. Maybe he was defending himself. Maybe she fabricated the story. He is 47 and he had 1 count in 1988 and one in 1996. So it's nothing recent.

 

I have dated alot. Right now I want to take a break from all the drama it involves and work on my new job and myself. He called me this morning and I was just thinking about how he is one of the few people who wanted to be with me just for me, not money, sex, convenience or other selfishness that plagues our society.

 

If I tell him how can I say that to him? I feel I should be fair to him and be direct about it but am not sure how. Even being just friends it will always cause a wall to go up around me.

[alphamale]

What should I do? And if I tell him how can I say that to him? I feel I should be fair to him and be direct about it but am not sure how.

I don't know if there's much you can do GROOVEY....you did not give him a chance to defend himself.

 

Personally, I'd be pissed as hell.

[2sunny]

Stay away from him!

 

I admire your intellect to check someone out before you get too involved, that shows you are smart enough to wonder and follow through with your curiosity... I do this too...

 

Now, to ignore the information that is in front of you is not so smart... YOU checked into his bachround for a reason! The info you got should be enough to keep you away... usually these types of men are ALWAYS nice in the beginning.... until you challenge them in one way or another... then they get scary.

 

Stay away, is my advice....

[alphamale]

. I do this too...

what is involved with getting a criminal background check on someone?? how much does it cost?? is this considered public info?

[john1776]

Who's to say that he has not reformed? I think it's rather stupid to break up with someone because of what they did in the past. Everybody makes mistakes. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he has learned from his past and has repented and is a changed man. From what you told us he hasn't committed any crimes in the last 10 years. Aside from that you don't know all the facts behind why he did what he did.

[Groovy]

The info is free depending on the county and state you live in. If it's not available it's cheap at a lot of search engine sites like {link removed}

 

Yes, someone made the point to me that what someone did 10-20 years ago doesn't matter. Women always seem pro record checks and most men seem to think it's BS.

 

I'd be pissed too Alphamale, that's why I'm not sure if I should do it.

[agnf666]

I would stay away from him, just start to ignore him. If he questions you then maybe you could be honest and say your criminal background makes me very uncomfortable. With that being said he should most likely just leave you alone.

 

I need to start doing criminal checks... too bad you can't do it for free online.

[john1776]

The info is free depending on the county and state you live in. If it's not available it's cheap at a lot of search engine sites like {link removed}

 

Yes, someone made the point to me that what someone did 10-20 years ago doesn't matter. Women always seem pro record checks and most men seem to think it's BS.

 

I'd be pissed too Alphamale, that's why I'm not sure if I should do it.

 

 

You could have tried giving him alot of rope to see if he would hang himself. Then you would have your answer as to whether or not he's really changed. Maybe he got intensive therapy. Who knows?

[Mary3]

Who's to say that he has not reformed? I think it's rather stupid to break up with someone because of what they did in the past. Everybody makes mistakes. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he has learned from his past and has repented and is a changed man. From what you told us he hasn't committed any crimes in the last 10 years. Aside from that you don't know all the facts behind why he did what he did.

 

 

Men who commit domestic violence are fully capable of committing it again given the right circumstance. Loss of control, poor anger management, unless you are a psychologist you cannot say he is fully reformed. He may well have had intensive counseling and is under better control of himself.

 

Just because there are no written reports of battery ( lately ) does NOT mean he is no longer hurting women. He may have most of his victims remaining silent ( which is more typical ).

 

The woman that was reported to be mentally ill might well have made a false report. The other DV charge could be something to check into. Both need to be examined.

 

Not that we all go about checking a persons background out but I think it might save alot of heartache for some who's bank accounts are drained by con artists. The best info on that is " If someone you just met is wanting money from you then that person might be checked out."

 

If someone is pushing you around and isolating you from your friends then that person should be checked out. ( if you have the financial resources to pay for that service )

 

Anything that seems * off * in a new relationship gives that person involved provocation to investigate further.

 

I have never done BGC but if I felt it was necessary to protect myself then Yes I would.

 

Should you give this many another chance ? Talk to him about it . If he says " I never hit anyone dammit " I would be suspicious. How is it that the police and the judge decided that he DID do that ? If he said " Yea I lost my cool and hit her " Either way for ME it would be a NO GO ! No thanks !

[john1776]

Men who commit domestic violence are fully capable of committing it again given the right circumstance. Loss of control, poor anger management, unless you are a psychologist you cannot say he is fully reformed. He may well have had intensive counseling and is under better control of himself.

 

Just because there are no written reports of battery ( lately ) does NOT mean he is no longer hurting women. He may have most of his victims remaining silent ( which is more typical ).

 

The woman that was reported to be mentally ill might well have made a false report. The other DV charge could be something to check into. Both need to be examined.

 

Not that we all go about checking a persons background out but I think it might save alot of heartache for some who's bank accounts are drained by con artists. The best info on that is " If someone you just met is wanting money from you then that person might be checked out."

 

If someone is pushing you around and isolating you from your friends then that person should be checked out. ( if you have the financial resources to pay for that service )

 

Anything that seems * off * in a new relationship gives that person involved provocation to investigate further.

 

I have never done BGC but if I felt it was necessary to protect myself then Yes I would.

 

Should you give this many another chance ? Talk to him about it . If he says " I never hit anyone dammit " I would be suspicious. How is it that the police and the judge decided that he DID do that ? If he said " Yea I lost my cool and hit her " Either way for ME it would be a NO GO ! No thanks !

 

I did not say he is fully reformed. I said that she should consider the POSSIBILITY that he is fully reformed. I'm not speaking in absolutes here. It's better to give someone the benefit of the doubt and exhaust all possibilites before throwing away an otherwise good relationship.

[Mary3]

I did not say he is fully reformed. I said that she should consider the POSSIBILITY that he is fully reformed. I'm not speaking in absolutes here. It's better to give someone the benefit of the doubt and exhaust all possibilites before throwing away an otherwise good relationship.

 

 

I agree that she should talk to him about this.

[alphamale]

I agree that she should talk to him about this.

I think you are wrong...

[john1776]

It may very well be groovy's loss for letting him go. If he has truly reformed then he will realize in a matter of time that her dumping him was a blessing in disguise.

 

She did him a favor because now he can find someone else who is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and will not judge him based on what he did in the past.

 

I mean if she really believes he's still dangerous then she should do everything she can in her power to make sure he never dates again. Try to convince all the other women to stay away from him.

 

I mean this is no different than dumping a guy because you found out that he cheated on someone 20 years ago. Some women believe once a cheater always a cheater right?

[a4a]

Before every person on LS signs up to criminal check their bf/gf etc.

 

My H has his identity stolen by his friends dirtbag brother.

 

He (dirtbag) also used his brothers identity from time to time and would be arrested using various peoples names.

 

I guess if you do not have ID but if you give the info of lets say a relative or friend to the cop that is who they assume you are and put it in the records.

 

We have a 4 inch file in our office on this idiot who did this many years ago just in case he does it again.

 

Thanks to him there were warrants out for several innocent parties who he claimed to be, (he did not show up for court...... thus warrants)... very interesting...... perhaps a better system is in place now to keep this from happening but who knows is the data to clear it up is ever entered properly.

[Mary3]

I think you are wrong...

 

Alpha I agree that he may not be truthful when presented with the questions. She can either let him go or she can ask more questions.

As I stated I would not take this further for myself personally because I know it would not work for me knowing he had previous DV charges.

[alphamale]

She can either let him go or she can ask more questions.

#1) She already let him go

#2) The questions should have been asked long ago

#3) She wants to take a break from dating anyways.

[Mary3]

#1) She already let him go

#2) The questions should have been asked long ago

#3) She wants to take a break from dating anyways.

 

# 1 Yes

# 2 Yes

# 3 True

 

I thought she might have been reconsidering giving him the chance to talk about what happened in the past.

[alphamale]

I thought she might have been reconsidering giving him the chance to talk about what happened in the past.

why? what's the point? there is no good way to explain it from her end...

[ashnicole]

I'm dating someone that has an extensive criminal record, but he treats me better than ANYONE ever has, and I can't imagine leaving him for something that he did in his past. His life is slowly but surely coming together, and I'd like to think that I have something to do with that.. afterall, his Aunt, himself, and his cousin have all said that the reason he's slowed down, and tried to get his life together, is because now he feels like he has something of worth to "be good" for (me). I wouldn't leave him because of this, but I guess it all matters on what it is... and who you're dealing with, and how comfortable you are. He was VERY upfront with me about it, and told me right away, so that I didn't "find out" some other way... he wanted to be honest with me from the get-go.. so I respect him for that. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had so far in my almost 22 years.

[BareGoddess]

Be careful Ash. He should be "good" for himself and not for you. And what happens when the honeymoon is over between you both?

[2sunny]

Men who commit domestic violence are fully capable of committing it again given the right circumstance. Loss of control, poor anger management, unless you are a psychologist you cannot say he is fully reformed. He may well have had intensive counseling and is under better control of himself.

 

Just because there are no written reports of battery ( lately ) does NOT mean he is no longer hurting women. He may have most of his victims remaining silent ( which is more typical ).

 

The woman that was reported to be mentally ill might well have made a false report. The other DV charge could be something to check into. Both need to be examined.

 

Not that we all go about checking a persons background out but I think it might save alot of heartache for some who's bank accounts are drained by con artists. The best info on that is " If someone you just met is wanting money from you then that person might be checked out."

 

If someone is pushing you around and isolating you from your friends then that person should be checked out. ( if you have the financial resources to pay for that service )

 

Anything that seems * off * in a new relationship gives that person involved provocation to investigate further.

 

I have never done BGC but if I felt it was necessary to protect myself then Yes I would.

 

Should you give this many another chance ? Talk to him about it . If he says " I never hit anyone dammit " I would be suspicious. How is it that the police and the judge decided that he DID do that ? If he said " Yea I lost my cool and hit her " Either way for ME it would be a NO GO ! No thanks !

 

Excellent post!

 

Most of the time - when incidents happen, they are NOT reported, so the fact that he is showing TWO is a huge red flag for me!

 

Most women feel threatened and vulnerable and embarrased to report it because they, in turn, know that further action should be taken....

 

Then their mind says "just let it all go away." Thus, the perpetrator goes without being reported....

 

Stay away from him... no man is worth wondering about! Your gut feeling is usually right....

[ashnicole]

Be careful Ash. He should be "good" for himself and not for you. And what happens when the honeymoon is over between you both?

He has the biggest heart I've ever seen anyone have in my life. His family, even through all of his troubles, has always said that he doesn't lie, steal, cheat, manipulate... why wouldn't I believe his family? He gives me ANYTHING I want, treats my son like gold, and does nothing but good for me. His daily goal is to see me happy, and I've never had anyone do that for me. He respects me SO much, and I adore him for it. As of right now, I'd say that our relationship is about 97% perfect. Sure, we have our problems, but it's nothing that we can't work through, at all. He's amazing. The "honeymoon" stage, sure... it may go away, but if we've got a love strong enough... I don't see why it would matter.

[blind_otter]

Yeah. IF they have that in their past, I would avoid them at all costs.

 

I have, in the past, given men the benefit of the doubt. I have always, universally, regretted it. And obviously, one of my friends very nearly lost his life because of me cutting someone slack. So there you go. My 2 cents.

 

If you're already broken up what's the reason to contact him again. Wishful thinking much?

[Becoming]

Yes, he could have had a psycho gf in the past. Do the dates coincide with just her, or is there someone else invovled? Can you find this out?

 

And wouldn't you always be wondering if you did start dating him? I couldn't let my guard down knowing this info. And what kind of relationship would that make?

[kitkat826]

My ex BF before me had a GF that was psycho, lets call her "K". He admitted to me that he had hit "K" once...but that was only because he woke up after a nap one day to her strangling him with the phone cord. This ex BF was the sweetest man in the whole world and very resepctful of women - in the four years we dated he never yelled or was physically inappropriate with me in any way.

 

"K" then ended up dating another childhood friend of mine, "J". "J" isnt the most mentally stable person either, but "K" was a lot worse. They got in a fight once and she threw the television out of the window, so of course the neighbors called the police over. She ended up stabbing him in the stomach with a knife, but because he had hit her as well, he was the one that went to jail and now has a record for it. I don't doubt that "J" has violent tendencies and was wrong in some way for what happened, but that chick is crazy and I don't think he should have been solely to blame.

 

Even as a feminist who believes in non-violence, I say that some women deserve it when they get hit...meaning, just because they are female doesn't mean they aren't as violent or more violent then the male in the relationship. Not all cases of men having hit or assaulted a women are pure situations of one-way domestic abuse.