Why are some people married (or getting married), and not others?

[MsScorpio]

I am attractive, intelligent, educated, ambitious, independent, have a great body (I am naturally thin and work out a lot), have a great fashion style. I am fun to be with. My interests are broad. I am honest, loyal, and have strong morals and values. I mean, I know I am a great catch!

 

Yet I can't help but feel inadequate sometimes because I see more and more women getting married before me. I am not trying to sound conceited or insult any, but the ones I see are the opposite of me in terms of physical looks --- some of them are a bit on the heavier side, and don't care too much about physical appearance. And they're married!

 

I don't get it!!! What is it about them? Why am I not married yet? Am I missing something here??? Are guys intimidated by me???

 

I'm sorry if it sounded condescending. I guess I'm just venting.

[whichwayisup]

Means you just haven't found the right person yet, that's all.

 

Don't compare yourself to anybody or wonder why the chunkier girl is getting married before you. She could be the most wonderful, loving person with lots of confidence - So just because she's chunky doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve love or doesn't deserve to get married.

 

What counts is what's on the inside, not on the outside. Looks fade and the excitement wears off - Personality sticks around forever.

[timidity99]

Everybody is different. Not all men are attracted to the same qualities in a woman. Some men like independent ambitious women, others don't. I'm pretty sure if anyone asked me what I find attractive about women my answers would be different than the next guy's. So it's a matter of not finding the man who finds those qualities in you attractive. But eventually you will. Those men are out there.

[MsScorpio]

Means you just haven't found the right person yet, that's all.

 

Don't compare yourself to anybody or wonder why the chunkier girl is getting married before you. She could be the most wonderful, loving person with lots of confidence - So just because she's chunky doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve love or doesn't deserve to get married.

 

What counts is what's on the inside, not on the outside. Looks fade and the excitement wears off - Personality sticks around forever.

 

I know looks fade in time. But looks do matter in the beginning, whether one would like to admit or not. Are you saying guys would rather approach a heavier woman over a slim woman? I don't buy that.

 

I am not clingy/needy nor am I jealous. I think I have a great personality as well. I have a lot of love to give. In fact, I've given more than what I was receiving.

 

So what's my problem?

[MsScorpio]

Everybody is different. Not all men are attracted to the same qualities in a woman. Some men like independent ambitious women, others don't. I'm pretty sure if anyone asked me what I find attractive about women my answers would be different than the next guy's. So it's a matter of not finding the man who finds those qualities in you attractive. But eventually you will. Those men are out there.

 

So where is he? I'm tired of waiting.

 

I think, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am ready to settle down. I am already in my late twenties. I think it's time. Everybody else is settling in marital bliss, at least in my circle of friends.

[IWalkAlone]

You're not providing enough information. Tell us about your dating history and the men you've dated.

 

Also don't assume that all of your friends who are married are in "marital bliss." Take a look at the marriage section if you don't believe me.

[Sevenmack]

Maybe the problem is you. The "some man should have married this catch long ago" attitude you're presenting is the kind of narcissistic crap with which I would never put up. I can't imagine most other men being willing to do so either. Worse of all, the attitude is a sign not of self-confidence, but of other, deeper issues that I wouldn't want to explore for a billion dollars.

 

The reality is that some people who are marrying truly love one another while others are doing it for their own selfish reasons such as fear of a ticking biological clock or desire to grub on someone's financial assets. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean happiness; the truly happy person realizes that marriage can be a compliment to one's life, but not the source of contentment.

 

Believe me, I understand how you feel. I dated a woman for three years and in the beginning, I wanted more out of the relationship than she did (typical for me, which is something on which I must work); she wanted to take things slow and I didn't. As the relationship began to end, things reversed: She wanted to marry me while I, tired of waiting around for her to get her head together, just wanted to move on. It didn't mean I didn't want to eventually marry someone, but that I learned that it wasn't about getting marriage, but filling some empty spaces within myself that drove me to push for things to move quick earlier. This was dumb; it was infatuation at first sight, then realization that she just wasn't the type of woman with whom I wanted to spend my life. At the same time, I saw some of my friends marry and divorce, learning that one can force marriage to happen, but at a really high price to one's own sanity (and financial ruin) along with that of the other person.

 

Since then, I haven't fully solved my issue of wanting more out of a relationship sooner than the other person; I need to figure out why I choose women who always seem to be touch-and-go when I'm the type that likes to rev up and go. But I've stopped looking at other people who are seemingly happily married and wonder "why them and not me." Who knows if their relationships are any better than mine? If love doesn't come immediately, so why should marriage? You haven't found love yet, so don't expect marriage to come any quicker. And it shouldn't; who wants a loveless marriage.

 

Instead of worry about getting married, you should be working on yourself as a person. Fix your issues, whatever they are, strive for self-improvement (hone your skills at whatever your profession is) and take up new, interesting things such as flying (my current hobby du jour) and the like. And drop the narcissism; it really just makes you seem more desperate than you really want to appear.

[AriaIncognito]

I know looks fade in time. But looks do matter in the beginning, whether one would like to admit or not. Are you saying guys would rather approach a heavier woman over a slim woman? I don't buy that.

 

......So what's my problem?

 

 

Well, i'd say the above quote, could be part of your problem. If you're that narrow minded as to think that every man prefers the slim woman over the heavy one, then you've got something to learn. Everybody has their own tastes. There are as many men that love morbidly obese women as there are men that love waif type women. Just because you personally wouldn't feel you'd be attracted as much to a heavier person, doesn't mean the next person is that way. I'd open up your eyes to the fact that just because someone might appear better looking on the outside, doesn't mean they are worth marrying. There's way more to a person than their package. Is it important to have initial attraction, certainly, but as others have stated, looks fade, so while you want to be attracted, you also want someone who doesn't annoy the crap out of you or bore you to death.

 

Good luck in your search, it's not easy regardless of how we look.

 

Jennifer

[MsScorpio]

I am not narcissistic in anyway. In fact, all these thoughts are just on my head. I figured nobody in real life knows me personally so I might as well vent here on LS.

 

I can relate to what you said about looking for more in all the wrong places. I have been with my bf for over a year and I just recently found out he's not ready to commit yet. I love him, but I don't think he loves me enough to want to commit. It hurt but at least he was being honest. I've only asked him once, and never pushed the issue since.

 

So that got me into thinking, wth? Should I wait in here, hoping he'll change his mind, or do I move on and find someone else?

 

I didn't have many long-term relationships mostly because I wasn't ready. I was young, going to school, and concentrated mostly in studying and partying. I was a serial dater. Never had a problem meeting men. But always had a problem finding quality men. The ones I really liked, turned out to be jerks. I've got my heart broken twice. Had a few regrets, but learned from it.

 

I'm the type that if it's my last $50, I will give it to my SO (or to my friends or anybody that needs it).

 

It's just that.... I guess in a way you're right. I do feel lonely at times. And whenever I'm around married couples, I feel jealous. Like, what do they have that I don't have? I guess some people are just lucky in love, others not so.

 

I have never felt this way before. But there's just this so much pressure around me.

[allina]

I've actually noticed that it's the people who have less going for them in life and are more needy that are the ones to jump in to marriage faster or marry earlier. You clearly think highly of yourself (which in my eyes is fine unless it reflects in you thinking poorly of others) but I'm guessing you arent searching for a beer bellied, sloppy, working at Burger King guy. It's more difficult to find a match when you aren't simply looking for someone to be with but someone that is a quality man. And I'm not trying t say that that it's only unattractive, unsuccessful people that are getting married the quickest, just sharing what I have personally noticed.

[IWalkAlone]

Never had a problem meeting men. But always had a problem finding quality men. The ones I really liked, turned out to be jerks. I've got my heart broken twice. Had a few regrets, but learned from it.

 

There you go... Stop dating jerks. If a man who is at your level professionally and intellectually asks you out, don't blow him off right way because he doesn't have that bad boy charisma. Give yourself a chance to get to know him. That's how people find good LTR prospects.

[Outcast]

Are you saying guys would rather approach a heavier woman over a slim woman? I don't buy that.

 

I have to agree that attitude might be a problem. There's a theory that attractive women are all about themselves. Men worry that that's true - and if that's your attitude, you'll just confirm their fears.

 

You mentioned plenty of external characteristics - success, independence, etc. But are you kind? Considerate? FUN? Loving? Are you the kind of person a blind man would love?

[timidity99]

I for the record have dated 2 women who were overweight. That didn't bother me. I still loved them & was attracted to them. To me the weight doesn't matter. I agree with the poster who said that alot of women want to get married for selfish reasons. The only good reason to marry is because you want to serve the other person in love & if you want children. Marriage is about serving each other in love. That is hard work. It is not roses and sunshine all the time or even most of the time for that matter.

[Guest]

I know looks fade in time. But looks do matter in the beginning, whether one would like to admit or not. Are you saying guys would rather approach a heavier woman over a slim woman? I don't buy that.

 

I am not clingy/needy nor am I jealous. I think I have a great personality as well. I have a lot of love to give. In fact, I've given more than what I was receiving.

 

So what's my problem?

 

Men don't like catty bitches. You may not be that at all, but the remark about what men prefer show galloping insecurity on your part as you are willing to diss "heavier women" in your pursuit of proving how perfect you are.

[MsScorpio]

I have to agree that attitude might be a problem. There's a theory that attractive women are all about themselves. Men worry that that's true - and if that's your attitude, you'll just confirm their fears.

 

You mentioned plenty of external characteristics - success, independence, etc. But are you kind? Considerate? FUN? Loving? Are you the kind of person a blind man would love?

 

 

I like to take good care of myself, yes. I try to make sure that I'm in the best physical shape, that I look prim and proper, etc. I want to make sure that my SO does not have to have a reason to look elsewhere. Know what I mean?

 

It's so weird that I feel like I have to prove myself here as far as who I am. Like I'm trying to sell myself here, or creating a dating profile.

 

All I wanted to know is why do I feel so left behind? That's all.

[MsScorpio]

There you go... Stop dating jerks. If a man who is at your level professionally and intellectually asks you out, don't blow him off right way because he doesn't have that bad boy charisma. Give yourself a chance to get to know him. That's how people find good LTR prospects.

 

 

Yeah I know. But I thought I was able to master the art of spotting jerks. Some of them are just too skillful in hiding it. And then I find out later on when I am already hooked.

[MsScorpio]

I for the record have dated 2 women who were overweight. That didn't bother me. I still loved them & was attracted to them. To me the weight doesn't matter. I agree with the poster who said that alot of women want to get married for selfish reasons. The only good reason to marry is because you want to serve the other person in love & if you want children. Marriage is about serving each other in love. That is hard work. It is not roses and sunshine all the time or even most of the time for that matter.

 

And what's the reason they're ex's now???

 

Look, I'm not saying I want to get married for the sake of getting married. I want to get married because I love this person and I want to live with this person for the rest of my life --- for good times and bad. I know it's a lot of hard work. But I come from a traditional, old-fashioned family. My parents have been together for over 3 decades. That's what I want.

[MsScorpio]

Men don't like catty bitches. You may not be that at all, but the remark about what men prefer show galloping insecurity on your part as you are willing to diss "heavier women" in your pursuit of proving how perfect you are.

 

 

I never said I'm perfect. I have flaws. All I said was that I think in reality, a guy would prefer to be with a slim girl over an overweight girl.

 

I get these jealous stares/remarks from heavier women all the time. "You're too skinny" blah blah blah.. It's annoying. And they don't realize we get hurt too. They're hating me because they're probably wishing deep down they could be just as skinny as I am, without having to do all the work (diet, exercise, etc.).

 

And I am not saying all of them are like that. I have a lot of friends who are a bit on the heavy side and they're nice and fun to be with. They also happen to be married.

 

Which states my original question. And maybe that's the insecurity in me. I don't get it.

 

I think it's that notion that pretty women choose to date average looking guys for security reasons (whether that be emotional, financial, etc.). Because they probably have dated a lot of good-looking guys who turned out to be jerks.

[electric_sheep]

You just seem to be antzy because every one around you is getting married. Settle down !

 

I'm 35 and I've never been married. I probably could have been twice.

 

Maybe you are picky ? I know that's been my problem. Plus, to a certain degree I just don't see the point of marriage. I mean, I dated a girl for 8 years and we lived together. Isn't that basically being married ? I guess that would mean I've been divorced.

 

Sometimes people get married out of insecurity, financial reasons, peer pressure, and all sorts of other reasons. You don't want to be one of them.

 

Also, people tend to attract others with a similiar physique to their own. So, considering there are so many overweight people in America today, it's no wonder overweight girls are getting married left and right.

 

People have all sorts of feelings about really pretty girls. Sometimes they are intimidated by them, sometimes they loath them. I love beautiful women, but I don't like what I call the "bimbo" dress code. I'm sort of rebellious and conformity turns me off. Of course, the indie/alt look I go for is just a different form of conformity, but I view it as a que that the girl will put up with some of my more liberal leanings. BTW, it's terribly wrong to judge people based on looks/dress ... I look like I could be in the marines right now, or a police officer, but I'm really far left socially and politically.

 

So, pretty women can be at a disadvantage ... you need to speak up right away ! Be natural and nice and down to earth and people will get over their stereotypes, and realize you're not a self-obssessed "bimbo".

[electric_sheep]

I get these jealous stares/remarks from heavier women all the time. "You're too skinny" blah blah blah.. It's annoying. And they don't realize we get hurt too. They're hating me because they're probably wishing deep down they could be just as skinny as I am, without having to do all the work (diet, exercise, etc.).

 

Interesting you should say that.

 

I think there is a backlash in our society right now against skinny people. I've always been really skinny. Recently I've been lifting weights and trying to eat more to bring myself up to a healthy 155 lbs (I'm 5'11").

 

I have a friend approaching 300 lbs. who is always dissing my taste in women, saying some snide comment about them being too skinny.

 

There is this political correctness thing about mentioning a girl who is overweight. If he points out someone I consider chubby or a little "thick", I usually just say something like "she's not my type". That political correctness doesn't extend to skinny girls though ... it's okay to make fun of them apparently.

 

Another interesting thing ... it's okay to make fun of overweight men ! I was watching a show the other day and the announcer asked this fat guy up on stage and he commenced to make all sorts of comments about him being a "big guy". He just wouldn't let it go. I just thought, poor guy, if that had been a girl he never would have been so rude.

 

So anyway, yeah, I agree ... I'm tired of people judging and being jealous of me because I'm skinny. What can I say ? I eat appropriate proportions, don't use food for comfort, and exercise and stay moving. I don't do this to stay skinny, it's just the way I've always been.

[bab]

Okay, first of all my advice is to just stop defending your position on "heavier women" you are digging yourself a deeper and deeper whole.

 

Let's concentrate on the fact that you consider yourself a good catch both physically and personality wise. That's fine and I thinks it's good to see that in one's self.

 

There is a good chance that average guys are intimidated by you. And when you get up to guys that might match you in your characteristics and are also in their late 20's the pool gets very slim.

 

If you love your bf, I'd say a year isn't enough to know if you wanted to be married anyway, so stick it out for awhile.

[electric_sheep]

I'm feeling rather chatty today ...

 

About jerks. It seems to me like simple politeness and just "being nice" are becoming neglected values in our society. This has been the trend for decades and decades. Back in the 50's people were almost always (outwardly) nice.

 

My girlfriend is 21 and often times she acts somewhere between slightly rude to being a flat out bitch. It took me a while to get used to it. She just doesn't even realize it half the time.

 

We also have different expectations from others. I was raised to always be polite, say thank you, apologize profusely if you are wrong, be sensitive to others, etc ...

 

Man ... I was watching one of those Idol shows the other night ... and they were SO rude to some of the contestants. It just made me wonder ... are Americans entertained by this ? Do they enjoy seeing people being made fun of ? The world has changed a lot.

[thegoodhubbie]

All I wanted to know is why do I feel so left behind? That's all.

 

Because you are human. BTW, most "quality men" tend to be full of themselves and arrogant. Try lowering your expectations a smidge

[Touche]

Because you are human. BTW, most "quality men" tend to be full of themselves and arrogant.

 

Bull! If they're full of themselves and arrogant, then they're not "quality men."

 

And to the OP. You just haven't met the right one for you yet. Stop putting a time table on it. Some of us don't meet THE one in our 20's.

[catgirl1927]

There is no rush. You have plenty of time. I think most people marry too young anyway.

 

Don't lower your expectations, and dismiss anyone who says you should. That's ridiculous. You should wait for someone who gives you butterflies. Life is too short to settle.