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How can I feel secure after his "porn addiction?" Lap dances too?


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I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. We started out great and our relationship grew strong and we grew closer for the first year or so until we started fighting. We would fight about small, everyday occurances and bigger issues too. I always felt he had an odd relationship with girls to begin with. I had a notion that he was always flirting and was not the only one who noticed. He is not a "guy's guy" as you would call it and does/did have a lot of girl friends his whole life, but until I realized his obsession/addiction to porn it did not bother me THAT much. I found out he was masturbating to porn 4-5 days of the week and sometimes numerous times a day. (Keep in mind we were having sexual relations almost everyday---partly bc I knew his preoccupation with sex and somehow felt it was my responsibilty to fulfill his unfulfilling desires) I told him I knew about the porn and asked him to "cut back" bc porn wasn't the problem, the frequency was. I soon found out that, although he had "cut down" (now a "mere" 2-3 times a week.ha), porn was becoming a problem for me in itself. My insecurity grew and it ultimately ended our relationship bc I admitted that I felt so bad that I could not stay with someone who made me feel so bad. We split for a month and recently got back together after much discussion and his recent desire to cut porn out completely. (The things men will do once they realize they're foolish actions push you away.) We have never been better...the porn and fighting are nixed and we were getting along great...until he told me he received a lapdance in Vegas. "I came out of the bathroom and my brother had bought me one."--is his defense. "I didn't plan or ask for it."---Strip clubs are ok and I can understand especially if it's a birthday trip to Vegas with your bro, but a lapdance? A BIT MUCH. I feel this has just rehatched all my old feelings about his porn obsession and it makes me feel he hasn't changed at all. He said he was sorry and that he sees why I am mad, but isn't that like him getting wasted, masturbating to porn when I'm not there and then saying "sorry, it was a mistake?" Am I just too insecure or am I with someone who is encouraging my insecurity bc he's a sex addict/porn obsessed/pig,etc.

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CrumblingWalls

Hello! I went through somthing similiar. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and I stumbled upon some porn on his pc a little over year ago. My first reaction was being pissed off and hurt. I felt betrayed and insecure. I finally calmed down enough to speak to him about and he told me that he would stop, he told me he did it because he would wake up in the morning and I wasn't there. Well needless to say he didn't at the time. I found porn again. This time I was really hurt and actually disgusted by the images and went off on him. We had just a really great round of sex the night before and then he went and downloaded sex the next morning. It really hurted me and he realized that it was not worth it. He is finally over that stage and I give him the sex when he wants it. I feel better about things after I discussed with him how it was making me feel.

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Thank you for responding! It's great to know that someone else can relate to my feelings. My problem lies in the fact that I feel his need to use porn excessively goes much deeper. He stopped using porn all together, but we still broke up bc I could no longer trust him.

We got back together and he still doesn't view porn at all, but still goes too far sexually. For example, when he went to the strip club, he had to get a lap dance and take it to the next level. (It is EXTREMELY disrespectful, in my opinion, to have another naked girl rub herself on you when you already have a girlfriend/ are in love...whatever) The strip club and the porn are cool....to a point. Once a guy uses it EXCESSIVELY or feels the need to have a naked chick on top of him,,,he has crossed the line.

So the porn stopped, but now he thinks it's ok to have a REAL girl rub on him naked to arouse him. (He's only been once...but it's enough to rehash the old insecurities and feelings I had dealing with the porn....why do I always just have to deal with his odd sexual obsessions?) It's just plain old f***ed up. I think he may have an issue when knowing when enough is enough. Go to the f***in strip club and just SIT there like a decent man with a GF would do. Watch porn OCCASSIONALLY, not numerous times a week...especially when your GF wants it as much as you.

 

Something has got to change. Bc I am sick of swallowing my own pride and allowing him to hurt my self-esteem.

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CrumblingWalls

It really does suck because most men are really selfish. I am sure he does see what he does as harmful or hurtful but it is obviously hurting you and harming your relationship. I think that you need to make a stand and let him know exactly how you feel about this. Explain to him how it is making you feel about yourself, about him and about your relationship. He knows how life is without you and he obviously does not want to lose you. Tell it to him straight and hopefully everything will work out.

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Memo to self, women are easily insecure by men looking at other women and fantasizing about banging them too. Women who pretend to not be insecure are really super insecure and drama queens. Thus it is normal for them to be insecure, such as if a woman plays a mind game, immediately start watching a porn and she will bow down before you and bring you beer and cookies.

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Hey Crumbling Walls,

 

I took your advice and, I am glad to say, he agrees with me and is starting to realize his hurtful actions and how they make me feel.

 

Thanks again!

 

kbah

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