Big fight

[catgirl1927]

My BF was out of town all weekend, he had a party weekend with his friends. I don't have a problem with that, he rarely sees them. Yesterday we met in a neighboring town about an hour away to have lunch with the parents of one of his good friends who were visiting from California.

 

We met them at the home of his friend's wife, who my BF had dated in college. I thought they just went out on a couple of dates and she kinda dumped him for his friend, not in a mean way or anything, just they weren't really compatible and she really liked his friend better (obviously, they've been married for about seven years now).

 

But, his friend's mother, who is a very sweet person but really doesn't seem to clue in when she's making someone uncomfortable, mentioned that they had dated, and the wife's mom made some comment about a wedding that my BF, her daughter and she had gone to together.

 

Now, when you're in college, and you're dating someone, you have to get pretty serious before you meet parents.

 

So, we get in the car to leave and I asked him how long he had dated that girl. Not in an accusing way, but I just wanted to understand the story because it didn't really add up.

 

He goes, "Is THAT what's wrong with you?" OK, nothing was wrong with me. I thought we had a nice time. I said, "There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just asking because it seems inconsistent. It's embarassing when I don't know what the deal is, I don't like to look clueless." Him: "Why even bring this up? I mean, you were MARRIED. I don't bring that up."

 

Ok, he just DID bring it up. Every time we run into someone that I'm just innocently chatting with and then find out that like a dumbass I've been talking to an ex of his and didn't have a clue, I ask about his past with her, he gets mad and throws my divorce in my face.

 

He doesn't ask me about my past because we are never confronted with it. We are FOREVER confronted with his.

 

Important side note: His friend's mom (not the wife's mom) mentioned someone named Paige. Apparently he was really serious with her, they broke up, she got married and had two kids really fast, and even better, oh yeah, he still talks to her. Then she proceeded to grill me about why we bought a house together and didn't get married. She kept asking and asking, and there's nothing I can really say. So, I was a tad irritated by the time we got in the car. He didn't help me out with that onslaught at all. I don't know what I wanted him to do though. It was just an uncomfortable situation.

 

So he goes on, "I'm not with those people any more. There's no reason to discuss it. I'm with YOU. I want to marry YOU."

 

I'm irritated, so brilliant me says, "I wish you'd quit saying that." Him "What?" Me: "That we're going to get married." Him: "Why?" Me: "We don't have any plans to do that anytime soon." Him: "Oh, nice attitude."

 

Silence the rest of the way home and all night.

 

This morning when I left for work I told him I was sorry we fought. He said "OK." (He was still asleep) I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.

 

So I don't know if we're still in a fight or not, I don't know if he's really seriously mad or not, I don't know anything. I didn't get any sleep at all (People who say don't go to bed mad are SO right) and I feel like crap. I want to cry. I don't know what's going to happen now.

[a4a]

Cat I have not had enough coffee to dish out advice to you...... but I will say... I understand exactly what you are saying about the X thing being always in your face.

 

I will never understand why people feel the need to cling to X's as friends. Or for that matter cling to the past so damn much.

 

I am sure everything will be fine with both of you.

 

I got to wonder, do you keep your XH on your friend list? Funny how the X clingers think it is fine until the shoe is on the other foot.

 

 

Thats just me. For me once an X the door closes. I am stuck dealing with one right now but that is over property we jointly own, all business tho.

[catgirl1927]

My exes aren't on my friend lists, they aren't in my email, they aren't in my cell phone. I don't even know how to get in touch with my exH, and I have no desire to.

 

I don't really believe that whole stay friends with exes thing. I think it's fishy. But I think if someone dates for like two weeks and decides to be friends and she ends up marrying one of your best friends, I'm not sure that person even qualifies as an ex.

 

I sent him an email apologizing specifically for saying what I said, and telling him that it hurts my feelings that he brings up my divorce. We'll see.

 

I mean, we bought a house together, we are planning to marry eventually, we even have planned the time when we're going to try to get pregnant. I doubt we'll break up over this. But I was at fault and I feel bad.

[littlekitty]

CG, I actually think you were justified in asking about the inconsistancies. If I am led to believe one thing, and then am told something different, I like to clarify.

 

I would have wanted to have clarified this with my SO too. Not because it bothered me in any jealous or weird way. Simply because I deserve to have the whole picture if I'm to be around these people. I don't wish to look stupid by having the wrong story.

 

You know you have some insecurity issues, which you admit yourself. It sounds like because you may have asked these types of questions so much in the past, that he simply jumped to it being an accusation rather than a query.

[alphamale]

I will never understand why people feel the need to cling to X's as friends.

agreed A4A....life is too short to live in the past.

[catgirl1927]

Now I keep reading and rereading the email I sent him waiting for him to respond. I am a complete loon.

 

Do you guys ever just have an awful feeling about something? I have a really bad feeling about this.

[a4a]

CG if he gets his panties all in a bunch over you feeling uncomfortable in a situation which I am sure you did not ask or try to be in and he cannot see your side of it, try to not blame you....... s*** you are not some freak for feeling uncomfortable when you felt like you suddenly were thrust into something you had no idea about.

 

He should be able to understand this.

 

Did you punch anyone in the face? Throw pie at people? Wave a gun around?

 

No you asked a question because you got stuck in the middle of something that you felt uncomfortable/clueless about..... you should be able to discuss it with him.

[kitten chick]

Ever since my bad relationship I do the same things that you do with men...I overanalyze, become more insecure, get anxious. You're not a loon, it's not healthy what you do but you're not "crazy". I would feel uncomfortable being suprised as well. My feeling is that everyone has a past and full disclosure isn't necessary but it's uncomfortable to be suprised. It probably would have been best for him to let you know when you run into someone he dated. I'm guessing that if he disclosed a bit more information in general about his past you wouldn't have these feelings and wouldn't feel the need to ask so many questions. Maybe instead of apologizing and taking all the blame you can tell him what's really bothering you and see if it's something he can be more open about.

[catgirl1927]

Well, there is a little backstory.

 

See, when we first started dating, he was doing football picks with this girl. I asked who she was and he said, "Oh, she's a friend of a friend, I don't even want to do it, I'm just doing the picks with her to shut her up about it."

 

Then I was looking for a picture I had saved on his computer and found a picture of this girl and him, turns out they dated.

 

As the story unfolds, they dated for a while and it was pretty serious. She did something bad and he broke up with her, and she'd been trying to get back together ever since.

 

I was a little upset, I think understandably, not that he'd dated someone, but that he lied to me. He was talking to this person two or three times a week, emailing back and forth. He says it was all football talk. She sent him a Christmas card and signed it, "Love, Evil Bitch from Hell." Ok, that's not really her name, I added that on my own.

 

THEN, we are going to Dallas for a New Year's party, and we get there, I'm drinking and acting silly and having a good time and I turn around and there she is, standing there with my BF. He goes, "This is my fat loser girlfriend who isn't as pretty as you." (again, the names have been changed because I'm still pissed about this, and I wasn't fat, I was like a 2, that's just my biggest insecurity) I was beside myself, I didn't even know what to do. She goes, "Oh, little pathetic fat girl, I'm so glad to meet you. We only dated for a little while and I think you are just so cute." Seriously. I said, "Well you guys make a great couple," and walked away. He followed and was mad and said that I was overreacting and she was trying to be my friend. I said I can't believe you have a DATE for new years. He said I was being unreasonable and I said, "Probably so, I've had quite a bit to drink and I am not handling this well. I'm going to the restroom, be right back."

 

So, now he thinks that if he tells me anything about his past I will freak out.

[a4a]

Sorry to say this but sounds like you just better get used to it.

 

He does not seem able to understand or value your feelings on certain things. He probably never will. So you can just keep saying " this upset me but it is my problem".

 

I would not even consider having a serious relationship with a person that had so much contact with X's. How many are there in his life now?

[amerikajin]

Catgirl,

 

I enjoy your posts, but I kinda wonder if maybe you didn't make more out of this than what it was in reality.

 

We met them at the home of his friend's wife, who my BF had dated in college. I thought they just went out on a couple of dates and she kinda dumped him for his friend, not in a mean way or anything, just they weren't really compatible and she really liked his friend better (obviously, they've been married for about seven years now).

 

Okay, so that's what you thought. My question to you is, did you ever ask him directly about this? Is it possible that maybe your recollection of his relationship with her was wrong? Maybe you got this relationship confused with another one? Did he specifically tell you that they only went on a 'couple' of dates and that 'they weren't really compatible', or was that what you surmised based on what little he said about her? There's a big difference between the two.

 

Now, when you're in college, and you're dating someone, you have to get pretty serious before you meet parents.

 

Why do you think this is necessarily true? I met the parents of a girl I was dating while I was in college, and we hadn't even considered marriage at that point. Her parents just happened to live in relatively close proximity to where we both went to school and we happened to go over to her place a time or two. I've already met my current girlfriend's parents and we have yet to make any matrimonial arrangements. Meeting the parents doesn't automatically mean that you're going to marry; it just means you're meeting her family.

 

So, we get in the car to leave and I asked him how long he had dated that girl. Not in an accusing way, but I just wanted to understand the story because it didn't really add up.

 

Yeah, but I'm guessing he didn't say 'That's what's wrong with you' unless he picked up some cold vibes, am I right? I mean come on, people know judging by body language when someone's not having a good time or when someone's not entirely satisfied, right? You got cold with your boyfriend because of some conclusions you came to, he picked up on it, and the fight was on. Right? That's what happened.

 

Ok, he just DID bring it up. Every time we run into someone that I'm just innocently chatting with and then find out that like a dumbass I've been talking to an ex of his and didn't have a clue, I ask about his past with her, he gets mad and throws my divorce in my face.

 

If he's honestly reacting that much to a simple question about his ex then, yes, he's got some issues he needs to address, and he should probably start by drawing the line a little more clearly as to where he stands with respect to his exes. If, however, you're getting cold with him and accusatory when you ask him about an ex, and if it necessarily leads to a squabble each time you do ask him about an ex, then that's something you've got to address.

 

He doesn't ask me about my past because we are never confronted with it. We are FOREVER confronted with his.

 

That's something you've got to deal with on your own, Catgirl. Yes, you're dating a guy who has ex's for friends...is that something you can handle? It surely doesn't seem like you're too comfortable with that fact, and if not, then you've got to decide what you want to do. Do you want to change him? You can try but he may not like you for it. Do you want to just leave him? You could, but you might find that there are a lot of other guys out there who will see their ex's as friends as well. Rather than getting upset at the fact that he keeps some of his ex's as friends, or more specifically, rather than ask about what they were in the past, focus on what kind of relationship he has with women in the present. Focus on how he treats you. I can guarantee you, Catgirl, the greatest, most fearsome competition you face right now isn't likely to be someone from his past, it's likely to be someone from the future; someone you have yet to meet, but someone who could come in at just the right time and present herself as an alternative to you if you continue to exhibit insecure behavior.

 

Important side note: His friend's mom (not the wife's mom) mentioned someone named Paige. Apparently he was really serious with her, they broke up, she got married and had two kids really fast, and even better, oh yeah, he still talks to her.

 

'Apparently' they were serious...apparently in the eyes of whom?

 

Define 'serious'.

 

Your bottom line is that she got married and had two kids - with another guy! Not your guy. Chill!

 

He still talks to her...maybe he still likes her as a person enough to say 'Hey, how are you and the kids?' Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to acknowledge that an ex exists? Just because you don't like your ex doesn't mean others have to dislike theirs.

 

Then she proceeded to grill me about why we bought a house together and didn't get married. She kept asking and asking, and there's nothing I can really say. So, I was a tad irritated by the time we got in the car. He didn't help me out with that onslaught at all. I don't know what I wanted him to do though. It was just an uncomfortable situation.

 

Well, that's a reasonable question to ponder even if she was a bit out of place for asking it on that particular occasion.

 

But go back to the first part of this post, where you said 'nothing was wrong'. Clearly, you just contradicted yourself and admitted to being irritated, and I'm guessing he immediately picked up on it, and that made him uncomfortable, and defensive, and that's exactly why he probably overreacted to your questions and threw the marriage back in your face.

 

So he goes on, "I'm not with those people any more. There's no reason to discuss it. I'm with YOU. I want to marry YOU."

 

I'm irritated, so brilliant me says, "I wish you'd quit saying that." Him "What?" Me: "That we're going to get married." Him: "Why?" Me: "We don't have any plans to do that anytime soon." Him: "Oh, nice attitude."

 

Catgirl, I have to wonder who's really in the wrong here. It seems as though you're questioning his commitment to you in this relationship. Yet, you - not he - are the one holding back on an engagement. Don't you find this a bit ironic?

 

So I don't know if we're still in a fight or not, I don't know if he's really seriously mad or not, I don't know anything. I didn't get any sleep at all (People who say don't go to bed mad are SO right) and I feel like crap. I want to cry. I don't know what's going to happen now.

 

You've got to talk to him, but you've got to be willing to listen. You've also got to start taking a look at some of your insecurities. I disagree with those who are cheering you on here. Simply put, I think you've got to address those insecurities and learn to trust your partner as a person; accept that he has a life of his own, and that he had a life before you came into it. He's accepted your past, and you should accept his in kind.

 

Peace.

[catgirl1927]

Great. I got an email back. It basically said that he didn't have time to "go over this," that he only mentioned my divorce because he wanted to point out that he never talked about it because it doesn't matter, and his past doesn't matter to anyone but me.

 

So he's really really pissed. My bad feeling in my gut is dead on. This is really bad. I have a feeling my life is about to change, and not in a good way.

[amerikajin]

You're already thinking about the worst-case scenario, Catgirl.

 

If this relationship ends, I can't say that it is entirely your fault, but you sure are doing your fair share to kill the vibe. You need to call him up and just say we need to talk, and that you've been thinking about things, and that you admit that you're willing to listen to what he has to say. Go from there.

[catgirl1927]

Work isn't really the place for this kind of discussion. By saying he didn't have time to go over it, he's saying he's very busy at work and isn't going to get into this now. Calling him would be exactly what he asked me not to do, and I don't want to discuss it on the phone here either.

 

You make some good points. I'm not holding off on an engagement, but a lot of everything else you've said is pretty insightful.

[a4a]

Catgirl,

 

Simply put, I think you've got to address those insecurities and learn to trust your partner as a person; accept that he has a life of his own, and that he had a life before you came into it. He's accepted your past, and you should accept his in kind.

 

Peace.

 

right on target with addressing your insecurities..... however he did accept your past but then again your past is not paraded in your/his life. Huge difference. I would be willing to bet that if you ran into your X and introduced him he would be insecure as hell about it.

 

You just need to really talk about this.

[catgirl1927]

I know, and communication is one of our weakest points. He doesn't like to talk about things at all, especially if there's a chance he might have done something wrong. He just gets mad and starts yelling.

 

It's also easier to accept a past that's past. To have it paraded in front of me all the time makes it much harder.

[kitten chick]

I think both a4a and amerikajin had great posts. It sounds like you're not telling him what you want and need from him. Are you being passive agressive about the marriage issue because it hasn't been seriously discussed? If he's throwing, oh we'll get married, off the cuff and it's what you want then I'm not surprised that you're getting upset about it. You need to tell him that it's what you want and have a serious and specific discussion about it so that you won't feel resentful when he makes those remarks.

 

With the ex issue, again, you have to tell him what you need. If you need him to let you know that he dated someone that you're meeting then he should and you can't get mad about it. You have to let him know what you need, he's not a mind reader. As amerikajin said, you have to decide if you can handle someone who is friends with their exs.

 

This doesn't have to be the end. Let him know that he's right and that work is not the right time to discuss it. Set up a time to talk with him...maybe tonight after work. Sit down and let him know what you're thinking and need in a clear and straightforward manner. If it helps, write down the points you want to make with him now so that you're prepared for the things you want to discuss.

[a4a]

I know, and communication is one of our weakest points. He doesn't like to talk about things at all, especially if there's a chance he might have done something wrong. He just gets mad and starts yelling.

 

It's also easier to accept a past that's past. To have it paraded in front of me all the time makes it much harder.

 

well before you plan on making babies you really need to work on the communication problems. You also have to stop and realize that you are not always 100% wrong. You got issues he has issues (like living in the past)

 

If you had a fear of spiders and a tarantula showed up in your shower with you would he tell you to get over your fear? Your fear is ridiculous..... perhaps he could instead support you and help you get over that fear?

 

It is a double whammy to be insecure and have a partner that is not understanding about it and but should instead try to help you get over it with positive support.

[catgirl1927]

If you had a fear of spiders and a tarantula showed up in your shower with you would he tell you to get over your fear? Your fear is ridiculous..... perhaps he could instead support you and help you get over that fear?

 

It is a double whammy to be insecure and have a partner that is not understanding about it and but should instead try to help you get over it with positive support.

 

I am terrified of spiders, and that analogy made me laugh! I'm picturing the spider working with me to get over my fears. I would have a tarantula as a therapist.

 

He has never been understanding about my insecurity. Sometimes he acts like he is, but he really just doesn't understand it. He thinks I should just get over it. He has issues too, that he doesn't really face and deal with.

 

We communicate well about everything except stuff like this, because any time it has anything to do with my insecurity, or even seems to, he shuts down and gets mad.

[Alexandra]

My bad feeling in my gut is dead on. This is really bad. I have a feeling my life is about to change, and not in a good way.

 

It sounds like that's what you need to deal with first. Not the insecurities, not the communication issue, nothing other than that frenzy of "OMG this is it" bad vibe feeling you're working yourself into right now.

 

You're dealing with a few things, a fight and its effect and the potential bigger issues. Do talk to him but by the time you do try and calm yourself down and don't expect to solve everything from Adam in the talk, just clear the picture of the night before, see if there were any misunderstandings, if maybe you haven't been too forward about what upset you and so on.

 

I know it's easier said than done and I know that "Oh wow this is bad, I can just feel this is the end" feeling too well, but believe it or not it's that frame of mind in itself that can cause irreparable damage to relationships. Try and think positive and shake it. No, it's not "the end" it's a small tiff you'll clear with a calm communicational attitude.

 

Maybe you could do something constructive like think of ways to sound more clear or understanding when you talk later, make a list of what you want to say, even. A technique I've noticed helps -in others, I'm too passionate and hot headed for it so far- is to start the evening differently, go out for dinner instead of staying home for example, take a walk, just do something nice and enjoyable together BEFORE you start the talk so maybe you could plan for that.

 

If that's too hard try and do something fun or at least unconnected meanwhile, take your mind off it. Anything but sit around and bite your nails. I really think that if you shake the doom and gloom feeling and present a collected Catgirl when you two do have a chance to talk half the battle is won.

[catgirl1927]

That's great advice, Alexandra, I will do that. Thanks!