Ruby Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 What I would like to ask is this Is it more effective (in terms of getting someone back) finishing with them and telling them or just ignoring them? Let me explain a bit. I have had a casual affair with a guy and it was going no where. I would just stop calling and so would he but one of us would ultimately end up contacting the other and we would carry on in a casual, no strings manner. Should I 1. Tell him it has to stop calling me and tell him why 2. Just ignore his calls and not contact him What I want is for him to realise I want more from him and that I will not put up with less. I do not like playing games but I have this feeling he is just happy having what he has, when he has it with me, and I want to force his hand so that it is over or we have an exclusive relationship. I know in my heart that he likes me alot. It makes me feel bad to carry on but I do want him to realise what he had with me was good. I only realised it with him when he backed off from me. What do I do? I am willing to risk losing him as I cannot continue in this manner any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 "What I want is for him to realise I want more from him and that I will not put up with less. I do not like playing games." Tell him what you want from this relationship and see how he responds. You said you will lose him if you don't get what you want so what harm is there in telling him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 I have already told him I want a more solid relationship and he declined as he has been hurt before and we carried on as we were. I suppose I am the back burner gal and I feel that if I ended it completely and gave him a chance to miss me he would maybe realise how he really feels. He has had his cake and eaten it for months now so he never had to think about how he sees me. What I want to know is: would telling him or ignoring him make him think about me more? Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Then I would write him off and tell him not to call you anymore. Don't be a F- buddy if that is not what you want. Kick him to the curb and get on with your life. Ignoring him will not make him want you more. If he isn't into your relationship you need to end it and find someone who wants the same things you do. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 I suppose I am the back burner gal and I feel that if I ended it completely and gave him a chance to miss me he would maybe realise how he really feels. As a guy I can say that if you did that to me I wouldn't miss you in the least. If you end it with me then it stays over. No going back and no *missing* it either. You say you don't like to play games. Doing what you suggest is game-playing. Thing is... some guys don't like game-playing either. I am one of them and it wouldn't work simply because I wouldn't play along. It takes two players for the game to succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 So what do you advise Smoochie? I am asking here as I need to stop being the back burner gal! He plays games with me too by the way. I know he likes me, he is just scared and he has not been forced to make a choice as he is having his cake and eating it. I have cooled things off before and he always came back. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Then I would write him off and tell him not to call you anymore. Don't be a F- buddy if that is not what you want. Kick him to the curb and get on with your life. Ignoring him will not make him want you more. If he isn't into your relationship you need to end it and find someone who wants the same things you do. Agreed. If you want to express your feelings about this one last time, you could tell him "it's a pity your past issues are preventing you from wanting a commitment. I think we could have been a good team...but as it is, I want more and you don't so it's clearly time we went our separate ways." Sometimes it helps to know you laid all your cards on the table before you walked away. Gives you peace of mind. Getting embroiled in "ignoring games" might achieve short term results, but ultimately they'll just draw out a semi-relationship that doesn't seem to have much substance to it. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 So what do you advise Smoochie? I am asking here as I need to stop being the back burner gal! He plays games with me too by the way. I know he likes me, he is just scared and he has not been forced to make a choice as he is having his cake and eating it. I have cooled things off before and he always came back. The advice is simple: end it with him and move on. Do not contact him and do not allow him to contact you. It's the contact that keeping you from moving on. Find someone who is ready for something more than *casual* with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Here's what happened: I layed it all on the line. This is how I feel, this is what I want... When I was met with the usual responses...(not ready for a commitment, not sure what I want etc...) I said, "Ok, then we both need to move on." I did NO contact. (didn't respond to his calls at all.....nothing. When I HAD to see him (at baseball games) I would simply say "hello" and walk away (not angerly, but casual like if I saw an aquaintence) I KNEW if there was ANY way it was to work it HAD to come FROM HIM....Meaning HIM asking ME to get together again, HIM "working for it". He started by going out of his way to try and talk/flirt with me, I DIDN"T give in for a while, let him SHOW you...let HIM work for it. You will never ever feel good about being with him unless he PURSUES you and in a BIG way....he is USED to having you there, let him see/feel what not having you there/as the constant....I did this for a month.....until he was basically pleading with me to meet up with him to talk......(for ONCE it was HIM and not ME.......) and even after our talk, I said, "I need a few days to mull it all over...." Then and only then, did we get back.....We are going on month 6 and he is treating me with dignity, respect, love, caring...ALL of it! I think it was a combination of showing him I have self-worth (by not being so "available", also...giving him a chance to actually see/feel what life would be like without having me in it, plus...when reconciling telling him what I will and will not accept and being consistant with my convictions throughout the last 6 months (not in a b*tchy way, in a "I respect myself way) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 I just called and left a message on his voicemail telling him not to call me anymore as I will not be calling him either. I have made it very definate and asked him not to reply to me as no answer was required. I sort of feel bad now, like I have lost something. But how can I have lost something that I did not have? Hopefully I will heal now. Any tips on how to rerain from picking up the phone to him when I get the need to see him? Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 I sort of feel bad now, like I have lost something. But how can I have lost something that I did not have? You did good. And when you think about it... you ARE right: how can you say you have *lost* something if you never had it in the first place? Well, you can't. Not logically anyway. As far as tips on how to maintain the no contact... concentrate on YOU and your life. Make YOU the priority and don't allow him to interfere with that. Get involved in doing things that you enjoy doing and just enjoy life. If you continue to do that your urges to *slip up* will decrease and with enough time past you won't even think of doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
prfrogkisser Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Any tips on how to rerain from picking up the phone to him when I get the need to see him? Keep yourself busy. Concentrate on work, family and friends. You deserve a man that is willing to make you feel secure of his feelings 100%. Never settle for less for what you really deserve. Girl you are back into the dating scene. Its time to meet new people. ((( Im So Tired of Kissing Frogs where is my DAMN PRINCE!!!!))) Well Ruby at least we have no warts:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 I know I have done the right thing but this hurts me so much. I think I loved him and he does not deserve my love. He used me I allowed him to It hurts I hope he does not reply to me. If he has any respect for me he wont. I already want to see him. This is so hard. But I know I have done the right thing for the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 I know I have done the right thing but this hurts me so much. I think I loved him and he does not deserve my love. He used me I allowed him to It hurts I hope he does not reply to me. If he has any respect for me he wont. I already want to see him. This is so hard. But I know I have done the right thing for the long term. Well, it's not always easy for people - especially women - to do the NC-thingy. You just have to stick with it. It always helps to intellectualise the situation. He used you and you find that disrespectful, wrong, etc. You also say that he doesn't deserve your love. That's good. You have to keep those thoughts in your head for this to work - and also concentrate on your life and what YOU want in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 You are helping me so much Smoochie Thank you x Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 You are helping me so much Smoochie Thank you x Any time. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Smooch is a sweetie! Deep down ........ Ruby you did the right thing, I did the self same thing last week and even though it has been hard at times and I have battled with "have I done the right thing?" I KNOW I have! I wont be used for sex and I now demand more before any guy gets in my pants! I have never slept around or had a one night stand - I guess that was why I felt so bad about it! It started off on MY terms, then I caught feelings for him! But now I have ended it for good and he knows in no uncertain terms not to contact me again! Now I can go and meet someone who will give me what I deserve! Well done Ruby! Link to post Share on other sites
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