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blind_otter

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blind_otter

Lately I've been feeling like I want to breakup with my BF. Which is fine, but I don't really have a specific "reason". I just find myself less and less attracted to him. The sex is still great, but I just seem less motivated to do it.

 

I feel like....a guy. And emotionally unavailable man.

 

We don't figh tmuch at all anymore. I am putting up walls. If we are talking about something and it gets heated I've just been saying "I don't feel comfortable sharing about this." and that's the end of the convo. I just won't open up my mouth after that. End of discussion.

 

When we do get into a tiff, I've started just asking him nicely to stay at his house. He gets upset but does what I ask.

 

It's like I'm disengaging from the relationship, for no real concrete reason. I just don't wanna any more.

 

The thing I am worried about is that it's because of my Dad and the grieving process. When I lost my first baby with my exH, I totally disengaged from the relationship. We had a lot of other problems but I think that's when I stood there and said "STOP." and then my feelings just kind of dried up.

 

I wonder if I am distancing from my BF because of this. He's getting anxious, clingy, and desperate, because I am uncommunicative, distant, and cold. I see it, but can't seem to find it in my heart to do anything about it.

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b_o...you are such a bright girl, and if you "don't wanna" anymore, then there's probably good reason that just hasn't surfaced, yet.

 

Maybe you've known it all along....maybe he was just the interim guy.

 

-Rio

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blind_otter

Yeah. I see him as not longterm material, more clearly now I guess. Becuase I've been sober long enough for my brain to function more or less properly again. He's a good guy. Extremely physically attractive. Just not for me. He needs a country girl.

 

I try to tell him that and he clings even harder to me. And he keeps trying to use sex as a reason for me to stay with him. That just ain't gonna fly. I can f*** anyone. That doesn't mean I can or should have a LTR with them.

 

I just feel baaaaaaaaaaad about it. I don't want to hurt him. But that seems inevitable. He is very much into me and I'm just, not. Anymore.

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basscatcher
Lately I've been feeling like I want to breakup with my BF. Which is fine, but I don't really have a specific "reason". I just find myself less and less attracted to him. The sex is still great, but I just seem less motivated to do it.

 

I feel like....a guy. And emotionally unavailable man.

 

We don't figh tmuch at all anymore. I am putting up walls. If we are talking about something and it gets heated I've just been saying "I don't feel comfortable sharing about this." and that's the end of the convo. I just won't open up my mouth after that. End of discussion.

 

When we do get into a tiff, I've started just asking him nicely to stay at his house. He gets upset but does what I ask.

 

It's like I'm disengaging from the relationship, for no real concrete reason. I just don't wanna any more.

 

The thing I am worried about is that it's because of my Dad and the grieving process. When I lost my first baby with my exH, I totally disengaged from the relationship. We had a lot of other problems but I think that's when I stood there and said "STOP." and then my feelings just kind of dried up.

 

I wonder if I am distancing from my BF because of this. He's getting anxious, clingy, and desperate, because I am uncommunicative, distant, and cold. I see it, but can't seem to find it in my heart to do anything about it.

 

Maybe requesting a time out from your bf would be beneficial at this time. So you can focus on YOU and your family without the added responsibility of worrying about meeting your bf's needs at this time.

 

Your dealing with your grief and it can be overwhelming and consuming.

 

Feeding someone else's needs right now is too much. Worrying about how that person feels is taxing and draining. It may feel like it is stretching you too thin to give at this time to someone elses needs and wants.

 

Maybe in a month or two you will need to reach out to your bf and unload, be held, feel love.

 

Just a thought when I put myself in your shoes and looking back where I was with my fathers illness.. I couldn't be anything to anyone but myself and focus on my dad... My own son suffered because I couldn't be there for him either..

 

A parent/child bond can be so strong that when the fear of losing each other is knocking; nothing else matters at that time.

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blind_otter
Maybe requesting a time out from your bf would be beneficial at this time. So you can focus on YOU and your family without the added responsibility of worrying about meeting your bf's needs at this time.

 

Your dealing with your grief and it can be overwhelming and consuming.

 

Feeding someone else's needs right now is too much. Worrying about how that person feels is taxing and draining. It may feel like it is stretching you too thin to give at this time to someone elses needs and wants.

 

Maybe in a month or two you will need to reach out to your bf and unload, be held, feel love.

 

Just a thought when I put myself in your shoes and looking back where I was with my fathers illness.. I couldn't be anything to anyone but myself and focus on my dad... My own son suffered because I couldn't be there for him either..

 

A parent/child bond can be so strong that when the fear of losing each other is knocking; nothing else matters at that time.

 

 

Wow, that was awesome advice. I think you're right. My heart is really telling me to focus on my Dad right now. My BF is being so needy and I can't be there for him any more. I need to be there for my Dad.

 

thanks, pada. :love:

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sounds like your dad's health situation is the foremost issue with you, a very normal thing considering how close you are to him – your energies are going to be refocused on him for the duration, and ideally, a partner would be supportive of you even if he feels he's being ignored. It all works out because the relationship is solid.

 

however, your description of his clinginess is worrisome – makes me think the relationship for him is a bit on the unhealthy side if he cannot see what your needs are esp. now. Does this make sense? That personal feelings or hurts or needs take a backseat when you see that your partner needs your support with situations like these?

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Yeah. I see him as not longterm material, more clearly now I guess. Becuase I've been sober long enough for my brain to function more or less properly again. He's a good guy. Extremely physically attractive. Just not for me. He needs a country girl.

 

I try to tell him that and he clings even harder to me. And he keeps trying to use sex as a reason for me to stay with him. That just ain't gonna fly. I can f*** anyone. That doesn't mean I can or should have a LTR with them.

 

I just feel baaaaaaaaaaad about it. I don't want to hurt him. But that seems inevitable. He is very much into me and I'm just, not. Anymore.

 

Were the two of you dating before you both got sober?

 

The reason I ask, is that two friends of mine both got sober together, and had a child shortly after she got relatively clean. Turns out, the weren't compatable at all. Even though they had been together for a couple of years, they only new each other as addicts. They tried to stay together for the kid, but they were just toxic to each other and eventually made the official split. Could this be something the two of you are going through?

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catgirl1927

You're such a smart girl, you know what to do. Prolly if you just told him you're worried about your dad and to give you a little breathing room.

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basscatcher
Wow, that was awesome advice. I think you're right. My heart is really telling me to focus on my Dad right now. My BF is being so needy and I can't be there for him any more. I need to be there for my Dad.

 

thanks, pada. :love:

 

Baby gurl---- I've been in your shoes.....

Just last summer..........

 

Your energy needs to be for yourself first (keep yourself strong and healthy first) then for your dad..

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blind_otter
sounds like your dad's health situation is the foremost issue with you, a very normal thing considering how close you are to him – your energies are going to be refocused on him for the duration, and ideally, a partner would be supportive of you even if he feels he's being ignored. It all works out because the relationship is solid.

 

however, your description of his clinginess is worrisome – makes me think the relationship for him is a bit on the unhealthy side if he cannot see what your needs are esp. now. Does this make sense? That personal feelings or hurts or needs take a backseat when you see that your partner needs your support with situations like these?

 

That's my concern, too. I argued with him several times about my Dad. He says "I'm here for you, whatever you need." But he's not. And when I try to elicit support, he says I'm being a baby and I need to suck it up. When I confront him about the inconsistency between his words and actions he just denies it?

 

So I gave up. I told him I would probably find a support group at hospice to talk about my feelings about my Dad's cancer, and he just said, Fine - and took it as a personal insult?

 

He says that when I tell him he's not meeting my needs, I'm telling him he's not good enough. That's not it. I just want him to know how I feel. But then when I tell him he tells me I'm wrong? Which is weird, because they are , like, my feelings.

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blind_otter
Were the two of you dating before you both got sober?

 

The reason I ask, is that two friends of mine both got sober together, and had a child shortly after she got relatively clean. Turns out, the weren't compatable at all. Even though they had been together for a couple of years, they only new each other as addicts. They tried to stay together for the kid, but they were just toxic to each other and eventually made the official split. Could this be something the two of you are going through?

 

Yeah, I've been thinking about this, too. We used together. Hell, anyone is great when you're half-witted in a stupor from alcohol.

 

It seems really one sided, now.

 

I feel like I'm going through the motions.

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Yeah, I've been thinking about this, too. We used together. Hell, anyone is great when you're half-witted in a stupor from alcohol.

 

It seems really one sided, now.

 

I feel like I'm going through the motions.

 

It sounds like the two of you used each other as a crutch while getting sober, you've started walking on your own, and he's still leaning on you. Obviously you've got to sort through your feelings, but it seems like a clean break might be the healthiest thing for you. You've got to look after yourself before you try and be someone elses support.

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blind_otter

Yeah. I think this has been on my mind for a while, now. I am taking steps to further my recovery, he's stalled out. He even talks about drinking again, on vacation or something. That would be a nightmare, and shows me that he's never really been fully committed to sobriety for himself. Just for me.

 

I need to quit smoking cigarettes, and he tells me this "isn't the right time"??

 

I just feel so bad for him, though. He acts like he needs me to like breathe or something. His world revolves around me. I feel bad that I can't feel the same way for him any more. The love is drying out.

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And when I try to elicit support, he says I'm being a baby and I need to suck it up.

 

what a frickin' jackass. No matter how hard we try, even if we've experienced something similar, no one understands what kind of emotional wringer you're going through right now, and to hear that kind of crap when you least need to hear it is not good. Dump his sorry jackass butt; if he can't support you on big issues like this, he's not going to be supportive on the smaller ones you'll face as a couple, and no one needs that in a relationship. <end rant>

 

as pada wisely points out, you're going to need to conserve and concentrate your energy on keeping yourself healthy/well enough to deal with all of this. A clingy jackass boyfriend only makes things worse.

 

good call about hooking up with a hospice support group. As hard as this is, being able to see it from another level can help temper the pain some. I know it did for my dad when the hospice nun counseled him about mom ...

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basscatcher
Yeah. I think this has been on my mind for a while, now. I am taking steps to further my recovery, he's stalled out. He even talks about drinking again, on vacation or something. That would be a nightmare, and shows me that he's never really been fully committed to sobriety for himself. Just for me.

 

I need to quit smoking cigarettes, and he tells me this "isn't the right time"??

 

I just feel so bad for him, though. He acts like he needs me to like breathe or something. His world revolves around me. I feel bad that I can't feel the same way for him any more. The love is drying out.

 

Your continuing focusing your energy on him.. It's gong to drain what you have..

I wouldn't bother trying to figure out your bf situation right now. You need to focus on you..

Focusing on your bf is going to distract you from what is really going on right now.

You need to face the issue at hand not one that can be delt with later.

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I just feel so bad for him, though. He acts like he needs me to like breathe or something. His world revolves around me. I feel bad that I can't feel the same way for him any more. The love is drying out.

 

I understand that. It's really really hard to hurt someone. But, this is one of those situations where it's you or him. If you stay, he's much more likely to bring you down then for you to bring him up.

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I wonder if I am distancing from my BF because of this.

Yes, you are. Its normal and happens to most people facing a major life crisis. I went thru the same thing when my ma died of cancer in '97. I was dating this great chick at the time and after my mom passed I had no interest in the g/f anymore so I dumped her. I stayed singel for 6 months then started dating my psycho-bytch-from-hell-neighbour.

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blind_otter

Ya know he's being a jerk about my Dad's cancer.

 

He cracks jokese all the time and when I say, stop it, you're starting to get annoying, he gets all hurt and upset. Well sorry, I can't handle the non stop joking around right now. Grow the hell up.

 

I dunno. I would be less doubtful about the relationship if he could man up and be strong and stable during this process. But he isn't, and when I tell him that he isn't, he gets insulted. He refuses to listen to my requests or input and says I am "Crazy" and that I don't know what I want. Even though I'm telling him point blank "This is what I want.......I don't feel my needs are being met." How the hell else can I put it?

 

I told him to stay at his house for a while, but I don't want to have that "I need space conversation" he won't give me space and thinks that if I need space I'm leaving him.

 

I'm going to stall him until I can't possibly stall any more. He's getting the "I don't feel like it" treatment until further notice.

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basscatcher

I can relate with that also.

 

The bf I had at the time of my fathers illness was telling me

"Why are you trying to save his life? He's no good to society anymore. He can't contribute. He is dying, let him die."

 

I needed support, a hug, comfort and kindness; instead, I was met with a cold, uncaring, self-centered, heartless B@ssturd when I got home.

 

He later-after I broke up with him and moved out-told me that he couldn't handle death. He couldn't deal with my father being ill and seeing me suffer. He remembered his mothers suffering and held her in HIS arms when she died. He admitted he can't handle dealing with people who are hospialized and dying.. He apoligized to me a year later after we broke up.

(He is also a alcoholic and it wasn't until he was sober and back in AA that he came forth with his apoligy and explaination.)

 

I was able to forgive him but he and I will never be together.

 

I understand your displacement.

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the bf I had at the time of my fathers illness was telling me

"Why are you trying to save his life? He's no good to society anymore. He can't contribute. He is dying, let him die."

 

damn, pada, that's just cold-hearted, even if he was scared of death he shouldn't have said that.

 

my husband gave me space, but I think he was in denial with both our moms because he would say things like "maybe they'll get better." Which was hard in it's own way to hear, but also good, because it made me face up to the fact that they were dying at the same time and that nothing was going to change that fact. Mostly he let me grieve alone the way I needed to, but was wonderful about talking to my dad or my aunt when I couldn't because I was crying too hard. It was a little different with his mom because they really werent so close even though I know he loved her a lot – I think he was his daddy's boy.

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blind_otter

I'm daddy's girl. I openly admit, in my relationships I've been looking for a surrogate father figure. Which is why I'm so damned disappointed all the time.

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I openly admit, in my relationships I've been looking for a surrogate father figure.

are not there laws against parental molestation? :laugh::lmao:

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I'm daddy's girl. I openly admit, in my relationships I've been looking for a surrogate father figure. Which is why I'm so damned disappointed all the time.

 

I can relate from the other side. In most of my recent relationships I've been told than being with me is like having a second Dad. :D

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blind_otter
I can relate from the other side. In most of my recent relationships I've been told than being with me is like having a second Dad. :D

 

Suddenly I feel like I'm coming down with a case of Tuberculosis. :p

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