Jump to content

In a relationship - but something really bothers me ..


TheChef

Recommended Posts

I'll try and keep this short, but I was seeing this woman for a few months and I really fell for her and seemed to have fallen for me as well. We also happened to work one cubicle away from each other. After a couple of months of us seeing each other, she confessed to me that before we were seeing each other, she had been involved in a 3 week relationship with the guy sitting on the other side of me! We all know each other. But he didn't know about her and I - we kept it discreet for professional reasons.

 

That threw me, but I let it go since it was before our time together. But I noticed that she always kept talking about him and I started to think that she maybe hadn't gotten over him. Sure enough, I was right. Within a month, se started seing him again. He was a consultant from out of town and so he was only there during the week. She promised me that she just needed to resolve her feelings about him and that in 2 weeks she would dump him. She would spend nights with him during the week and I was absolutely miserable. But I was so stupid, that I would see her on weekends - hoping to win her back.

 

Well the 2 weeks came and went and she seemed to still be with him. But suddenly he decided to take another assignment and was gone for good. In short time, she then became "all mine". She now wants to us to stay together for ever. It's been 6 months now ..

 

All of the sudden, like in the past week or so, I'm feeling angry about this. I feel as though I can never get passed what happened. I always will feel like I'm the #2 guy, the fallback guy, the convenient one. I don't know whether or not to bring this up or not because there's not much she can do about it now. There's nothing she can say that won't ring empty of meaning. I don't want to end it with her - but at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be able to marry her or anything because of this.

 

Should I talk to her about it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you plan to have any meaningful relationship, you need to make your feelings clear and make sure you understand hers. If you bottle this up, it will gnaw away at you. If she doesn't want to discuss it, then she's not serious about you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

communication, one of the most important parts of a relationship (i know that sounds cliched but its true). your feelings at this point are 100% reasonable, i'd probably feel exactly the same. in my opinion, it seems like she just needed to:

A:finish off the relationship, didn't want to leave it hanging

B:wanted to get as much out of it as possible before leaving(yech! i hope shes not a leech!)

C: or maybe even wasn't exactly sure whether you were 100% into her, so she played the "hard to get" game. that kind of advice is usually given to guys so they don't seem so clingy, it might have just worked reversely in this case

 

so yes, please, please, PLEASE talk to her, nothing will work and the relationship will fall apart sooner or later if you do not establish open routes of communication. i know i sound like some cheesy old marriage counselor, but consider her reasons, put yourself in her shoes and give her a chance to explain herself, and by all means ask her and talk about it.

 

good luck and best wishes, Tru-Wild

 

ps.as with all people, i'm interested with how things work out please continue posting and keep me updated!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tru-Wild,

 

Thanks. I'll be speaking to her tonight about. I may as well - I can't move forward beyond this. The problem is, of course, that there's really nothing I can ask of her to make me feel better. What's done is done.

 

If she had dumped him and gone back with me while he was still there, that would have meant something. But now all she can do is tell me that she prefers me to him any day. That, of course, is easy to say. After all, It costs nothing to say that now that the point is moot.

 

But I'll get back to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

sorry Chef, but you ARE the #2 guy. This guy is gone, but there will be someone else to take his place someday. She is just having you there to avoid being alone.

If she respected you- she would not have treated you that way. Your actions of staying with her on the weekends and allowing the situation to go on shows your lack of self respect and any respect she had for you probably lessened.

Link to post
Share on other sites

hooghie -

 

I have to agree. I hate myself for letting myself get treated this way. I really don't see how this is ever going to smooth over. I may as a well accept that this is isn't going to last.

Link to post
Share on other sites

i have to say, that is what it looks like, but there is no reason in losing hope. already thinking about in negatively will make there no chance whatsoever. give her a chance to explain herself, don't pounce on every chance to accuse her. once again, it does sound very ominous, but give it a chance please.

 

good luck, Tru-Wild

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I spoke with her about these things.

 

I left a bit unsatisfied with the explanation. I guess I wanted to hear her tell me that she realizes I'm 1000% better than this guy and now that she feels how she does about me - there's no one else for her but me. But she didn't.

 

She was taken aback and somewhat annoyed that I brought this up. Her response was defensive but essentially she claimed that she didn't consider us to be all that serious back then as she does now. She said that this guy is completely out of her mind in that she never thinks about him ever. She then attempted to make me feel guilty about bringing this up and she issued some veiled threats by saying that she's starting to have doubts about us if I still harbor this "baggage" (as she puts it).

 

I think I may need to move on eventually.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Listen to your gut.

 

She heard what you said and then blew off how you felt about it. That wasn't very nice of her to dismiss your feelings like it was no big deal. AND, had the nerve to make you feel bad about something she did before and is bothering you now?? HELLO, obviously it IS a big deal cuz you brought it up. If she has having doubts over admitting something to you and making you feel loved and secure - Imagine what it is going to be like once you're married???

 

Sounds like she is using that as an excuse to get out of the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No, I know she doesn't want out of the relationship. I'm sure of that. But she doesn't like getting called on this issue. On the other hand, I am willing to believe that I'm there because I'm convenient.

Link to post
Share on other sites

AGH! Red flags ALL over the place. I very much agree that this is a gut case. If she seems irritated more than anything and then turns around and tries to blame you, then it kinda seems to me that she isn't into the relationship as much as she should be. I would be having doubts if I were you about the stability of this relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong here, I'm most deffinately NOT saying you should just give up now. Give it more of a chance and work with it, just saying you should really watch her. You are, at least in my opinion, looking more and more like the back up BF. I'd be careful.

 

Good Luck! Tru-Wild

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yo dude, sounds bad. I would've just jetted out of there cause when a girl mentions "another guy" she had feelings for.. an ex or whatever, it's never good. While she may be upfront and honest about it, it could also be her subconcious telling you to go away but you didn't. Why get stuck with a girl who can't even handle her own drama, dude you deserve better. I would call for a break and consider other women that's NOT from work.

 

Why must people date at work? geez.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...