serial muse Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I don't know...I don't know if anyone can really answer this. But maybe seeing others' perspectives will help. I'm dating someone now (it's been a little over 2 months), and the spark just...isn't there. I like him a lot, we get along well, have interesting discussions, he's kind and smart. But the thing is, the "spark" just isn't there for me. I have no idea whether or not he's feeling it; perhaps he is, but I can't imagine that it's what I would call a spark, since it seems like for real sparks to fly, both people should be feeling it. And I know I'm not. But who knows, since some people linger in love far past the point when their exes have moved on (as many on these boards, including me, have cause to know). Sigh. Anyway. I don't feel much sexual attraction for him. God knows I want to. I wish I could. I feel like I ought to. I've never really felt strongly attracted to him, though I always liked him - but I thought maybe that was because I was still attached to my previous ex, with whom I felt all kinds of sparks. And now, it's like I hardly recognize myself - my sex drive is nil, which kind of sucks. At the moment, it's like I can't imagine ever being turned on again, I feel so disconnected from that part of myself. So what is going on??? Am I being selfish? Do I just want the Hollywood? Am I kidding myself? People say love is a decision...do I just need to "choose" to love him? He seems like he'd be good for me in other ways...but, two months in, I guess I want to at least be in the honeymoon stage, tingling with anticipation. That stage never even happened. Is it too much to expect from a stable relationship? It makes me want to cry, because I feel simultaneously disappointed and guilty for feeling that way. I haven't ended it yet because I don't want to ruin a good thing for no reason...I just can't decide if the problem is that I'm idealizing love too much, or something. :( Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Maybe you just got involved with someone else too soon after the previous breakup? You can't really make yourself become sexually attracted to someone. I've tried with dismal results. Also there are many different kinds of love. You love siblings or parents with no sexual attraction involved. You may very well love him, but you aren't sexually attracted to him... Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I married someone when there was no spark, thinking that it would work out in the end. I am divorced. I'm with someone now who drives me INSANE, but there is definitely a spark. I'm much happier. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 How important is the "spark", anyway? Well if it is a priority to you than it is very important! I do not believe I could have a sexual relationship with a person that I just did not feel attracted to. Not the love feelings I mean the "I want you naked now" feelings. Sounds like you might be ready to give the "let's be friends" speech to him. And doesn't this guy deserve a woman who is "hot" for him? Faking it will do no service to either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serial muse Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 Hiya B_O. Thanks for replying. Sometimes it feels like it's a choice between having someone be really into you, or you being really into someone. It's nice having someone be into me; but I miss feeling alive inside...I guess I'm doubting myself, because I can't tell if I'm addicted to drama or if it's okay to want what I want. I don't know. Passion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author serial muse Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 hi catgirl and a4a. yeah...it's weird, because in my last relationship, people were like, look, he's driving you mad. they wanted me out of that relationship because of it. and i guess in a way he was. but in my way, i was happy. i liked feeling alive. i liked feeling hot for him, and fantasizing about sneaking off from work to meet him clandestinely (we didn't work together! not one of those ) i liked feeling ripples in the air when i was near him. i liked those things. I liked how I felt about him, and when I was with him. there was high drama. but he made me feel like me. guess that's the thing i miss most. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Hiya B_O. Thanks for replying. Sometimes it feels like it's a choice between having someone be really into you, or you being really into someone. It's nice having someone be into me; but I miss feeling alive inside...I guess I'm doubting myself, because I can't tell if I'm addicted to drama or if it's okay to want what I want. I don't know. Passion? Hoo boy. Passion! Yep. I complained about this constantly with my exH. It does seem like it's either one or the other sometimes, but then you meet someone where you both are not only compatible and friends, but passionate and intoxicated with one another. There is a balance between drama and dud. It just takes time. IMO tho, you weren't completely over the ex, so the residual feelings linger, and wait to get resolved...they don't just go away magically.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author serial muse Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 yeah otter, you're totally right. i'm not over the ex. sigh. i guess that's the thing...i feel so horribly guilty about this current relationship. like, was i just using him then, as a rebound, without realizing it? am i now one of those women that the men come on here to despise and complain about and hate on, who choose "bad boys" over "nice guys"? is that what's going on here? i want to feel like my gut feeling is valid...but then, the ex and i broke up, so how valid could it be? gah gah gah. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 yeah otter, you're totally right. i'm not over the ex. sigh. i guess that's the thing...i feel so horribly guilty about this current relationship. like, was i just using him then, as a rebound, without realizing it? am i now one of those women that the men come on here to despise and complain about and hate on, who choose "bad boys" over "nice guys"? is that what's going on here? i want to feel like my gut feeling is valid...but then, the ex and i broke up, so how valid could it be? gah gah gah. I sometimes wonder about that. It seems to me like people tend to want you to be in the kind of relationship that they find "appropriate" - if it's too crazy or passionate, somehow they think that it's bad. IMO, it's only a bad relationship if one or both parties involved acknowledges it. If neither feel it's detrimental, who's to say whether it is or not? No one who isn't involved. I think anyways. Every time I've been in a bad relationship (and there have been many) -- I've KNOWN it, I just tried to ignore that doubting feeling. There is no external judgement about whether any relationship is valid or not. It is all on you, m'dear, to be the judge. EVeryone else be damned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serial muse Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 It is all on you, m'dear, to be the judge. EVeryone else be damned. Ahhhhh, the pressure of free will....noooooooo..... I understand what you're saying, though. I do. Once upon a time I had a lot more confidence in my own choices, but that seems to have eroded in recent years. It would be nice to have that back. I felt very strongly that he was The One, if there is such a thing. At least, I was cheerfully prepared to stop looking around for a Different One. He didn't agree, though, for myriad reasons. Ah well. It's funny - that's another one of those "society judges you" things. Society tends to think the man should chase the woman; that if it's the other way round, she's just desperate, not romantic. So every time I wanted to pursue him and put myself on the line, I felt embarrassed about it, like I was doing something wrong. It aches to constantly have all this crap in the back of your mind. Come to think of it, Society should eat my shorts, dammit. :mad: By the way, love your new avatar. Angry Little Asian Girl. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Thanks! I am the personification of angry little asian girl. I've had mutually passioante relationships, where I chased and was chased. Somehow it was OK if he did it, but weird if I reciprocated? My mother has always been the cruelest judge, as if her passionate relationship where the first 3 years of picture with her and my Dad feature my Mom in lingerie or just panties....were always the complacent, chilled out relationship it has become. Like they didn't fight like wildcats when I was little. To be able to look at myself both honestly and acceptingly, would probably help me a lot. Maybe you,too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author serial muse Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 yes indeed - accepting myself and my choices. working on that in therapy. i guess looking at myself honestly is an issue, too...i seem to mostly focus on the mistakes, which isn't an honest picture of myself, i suppose. well anyway. i guess i feel like it's true, about not being able to sustain a relationship if it just isn't there. i've never been able to generate passion if it didn't already exist in the relationship. so i guess there's no reason that should work now, even though i feel like i should be older and wiser these days. but passion's a kind of energy that can neither be created nor destroyed, i guess. and somehow, i'll have to stop trying to force-fit myself into relationships, patterns of thinking, whatever, that don't fit me or work for me. because, sigh. i liked being passionate. even if it made me a passionate fool. it also made me a better writer. so there's always a plus side. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 because, sigh. i liked being passionate. even if it made me a passionate fool. it also made me a better writer. so there's always a plus side. Well there ya go -- methinks you need something to fire your creative spark. Artists and their suffering. It's like mashed potatoes and gravy. You CAN have one without the other, but it'll probably be a bit bland.... Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I don't know...I don't know if anyone can really answer this. But maybe seeing others' perspectives will help. I'm dating someone now (it's been a little over 2 months), and the spark just...isn't there. I like him a lot, we get along well, have interesting discussions, he's kind and smart. But the thing is, the "spark" just isn't there for me. I have no idea whether or not he's feeling it; perhaps he is, but I can't imagine that it's what I would call a spark, since it seems like for real sparks to fly, both people should be feeling it. And I know I'm not. But who knows, since some people linger in love far past the point when their exes have moved on (as many on these boards, including me, have cause to know). Sigh. Anyway. I don't feel much sexual attraction for him. God knows I want to. I wish I could. I feel like I ought to. I've never really felt strongly attracted to him, though I always liked him - but I thought maybe that was because I was still attached to my previous ex, with whom I felt all kinds of sparks. And now, it's like I hardly recognize myself - my sex drive is nil, which kind of sucks. At the moment, it's like I can't imagine ever being turned on again, I feel so disconnected from that part of myself. So what is going on??? Am I being selfish? Do I just want the Hollywood? Am I kidding myself? People say love is a decision...do I just need to "choose" to love him? He seems like he'd be good for me in other ways...but, two months in, I guess I want to at least be in the honeymoon stage, tingling with anticipation. That stage never even happened. Is it too much to expect from a stable relationship? It makes me want to cry, because I feel simultaneously disappointed and guilty for feeling that way. I haven't ended it yet because I don't want to ruin a good thing for no reason...I just can't decide if the problem is that I'm idealizing love too much, or something. :( hey there serial muse i can clearly tell what is happening here... the guy you are now dating is very soon going to be relegated to the "just a friend" status yup you like him, you love him, you admire him, you have a good time with him,... ja ja, oui oui, si si........... but you are not "sexually attracted" to him anymore! that's it baby, its bye bye time now. i would suggest that you soon declare that he is only a friend and move on. in that way you won't be wasting his time and yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 If you don't have the spark after 2 months I don't think you are going to get it. That spark is independent and totally different from love, by the way. You may still could develop feelings of love for him. Some people can't develop the spark for whatever reason. They are not at a time and place in their lives where that spark is going to happen, no matter who they are with. My girlfriend is on zoloft and an anti-pychotic (I love her so much !), but she tells me these drugs sort of chill her feelings out, preventing that sort of mad, starry-eyed love we think of when we say "the spark". I like the spark though. If you think you are "open" for feeling the spark, and you still arn't, maybe it's just not the right guy. Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Let me tell you, the spark is the MOST important. It's whats called ATTRACTION. If you aren't feeling this all important attraction, the relationship will fail. Period. Attraction isn't logical, as I'm sure you're starting to realize. Lemme tell you from experience not to be biased, but you women are some crazy things . You become attracted for some illogical reasons, and thats why I love you all. Really its hilarious because I bet on the otherside the guy is saying something to this effect. "You know guys I really like this girl. And the past two months have been AWESOME. We haven't had much sex yet but thats cuz she's still working out her feelings from past relationships, but its ok because I can wait. She's really great, she looks good, funny, etc, and I just love being with her. You know I love taking her out and talking about the most INTERESTING subjects like things about life, politics, etc, and I really think I'm falling for her. I think she is too." You need to end it before it gets any more dangerous. The thing about it is the spark (aka attraction), is the most important thing in a relationship. You can dislike a man in the strongest way but if you are attracted there's nothing you can do. Attraction isn't a choice. Learn it well. You never choose to fall in love, it happens. Remember it well. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Serial Muse, I couldn't have written a better thread. Recently, I have been having the same experiences that you have been having. I have been trying to get to know a "nice guy" for a couple months now. I decided to date him 'cause all my friends pushed me into it. I felt safe around him, but, the more I got to know him...I kept thinking to myself 'omg...how boring is this'. Today, when he asked me out for the sixth lunch date...I gave him the 'let's be friends' speech. The first thing my friend told me when she found out was, 'oh...he was what you needed.' How does she know what I need? I can't hold that on my shoulders. I mean come on...two months and he made NO attempt to kiss me or even want to spend one on one time with me. But, I am sorry...I had to be honest with myself. I am a veeery passionate person at heart and there is noooo way I would be happy in a passionless marriage/relationship. Absolutely no way. I would crave it too much. Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 Serial Muse, I couldn't have written a better thread. Recently, I have been having the same experiences that you have been having. I have been trying to get to know a "nice guy" for a couple months now. I decided to date him 'cause all my friends pushed me into it. I felt safe around him, but, the more I got to know him...I kept thinking to myself 'omg...how boring is this'. Today, when he asked me out for the sixth lunch date...I gave him the 'let's be friends' speech. The first thing my friend told me when she found out was, 'oh...he was what you needed.' How does she know what I need? I can't hold that on my shoulders. I mean come on...two months and he made NO attempt to kiss me or even want to spend one on one time with me. But, I am sorry...I had to be honest with myself. I am a veeery passionate person at heart and there is noooo way I would be happy in a passionless marriage/relationship. Absolutely no way. I would crave it too much. Just more proof, if you aren't attracted to the person, you aren't going to "convince" yourself to like them and be happy about it. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 luvtoto and muse, Dating's not a team sport. Your friends are well-intentioned but they're not going to make you attracted to someone anymore than they're going to make you like sushi. It's a personal preference that has been crafted by the sum of our genetic makeup and our environment that we, and we alone, have experienced and adapted to. This is phenomena that is not so easily understood; it's not logical, in fact, it's often highly illogical...because it's bio-logical. You just know it when you feel it, and you're not feeling it, so there - that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
mrB2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 But what if the woman is not sure what she wants? My experience: My 'friend' gave me the 'let's be friend's speech' after I asked her how we would be as a couple.... OK, I was kind of devasted. However, I felt that I could handle it...So, life moved on a little.... But fast forward to our little trip across country....Almost every question she asked me pertained sex, relationships, marriage, and parenthood. (She told me what kind of wedding she wanted. She even asked me what name I would want for my kid.) And to top it all off she compared me to her exes (She is still in communication with both of them). What gives? I was really confused after that....So I wrote her a letter letting her know how I felt about her...Again, I pretty much get the 'let's be friends' speech'.....I was hurt. But at this point I just marveled at the weird 'dance' that was being played out. I guess love is a dance. I must have sparked something in her....If not, then why did she ask me such personal questions? I felt like a contestant on 'The Dating Game' I asked some of my female coworkers....They said that this gal is either confused or wants to walk down the aisle with me ASAP....My coworkers told me that they would never talk about such topics with a 'guy friend'. Bottom line: What constitutes a 'spark'? Is it sexual, intellectual, or artistic? Or is it a combo of all three (or more)? MrB Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 MrB, Your friend likes and respects you as a person but she's not that attracted to you. If she's rejected you twice, then there's something missing in that department. Not to be cold but that's the reality. I can see how if one or both people have issues and then later reconnect and work it out later under different circumstances, but the odds of it working out when you hang around as a friend are quite low. I'd say no more than 5 percent and certainly no more than 1 in 10 - and I think that's being liberal with the odds. Think of attraction as the rocket fuel that boosts the romance into orbit. If there's enough juice in the tank, you can put 'er into space and eventually the gravity of the relationship itself will keep you flying. But if you don't have enough of it early on in the mission, you'll eventually fall back to earth, crash and burn. Link to post Share on other sites
mrB2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 amerikajin, Then why did she even mention all of the marriage and sex stuff with me if she had no attraction to me--and remember this is after the first 'just friends' speech. The first time I accepted the fact that we were 'just friends'. But, you gotta admit that it is very strange that any woman would want to lead a guy on like that.. Believe me, I was ready to move on. But after hearing her ask me some VERY personal questions I became superconfused....Questions like: If you and your spouse needed money and a millionaire offered to give you millions just to sleep with your wife, would you give your blessings for her to go ahead and sleep with him? Also, she asked me some VERY personal questions about sex. "If you were married, would you want to be a swinger?" Come on, why would a gal not interested in me ask those kinds of questions.... I tend to overanalyze things. And I think I analyzed this to death...However, it makes you wonder what makes the opposite sex tick. But again, does spark have to be a physical attraction? MrB Link to post Share on other sites
mrB2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 amerikajinm, Yes, I think you are right about two people reconnecting later on in life. I will heading to asia for two years in Mid March. My 'friend' is still attending grad school. Now, I am trying to work on areas that need improvements. For example, my insecurities...It will take time, but I am sure that I will prevail...Also, I have to be realistic about my friend....She may find someone in school. I may find someone while overseas. So, life does move on. However, I am hopeful that someday we could be an item....I just feel that we connected on so many levels.... thanks mrB Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 MrB, Sorry man, but I don't see it. There is nothing that you've written which would lead me to believe that she has any romantic interest in you. Just because a woman talks about sex in your presence doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you. She could make obtuse references to myriad other things, but that means absolutely nothing. She may have something or someone else on her mind. I think you are seeing what you want to see here, and you're going to end up getting hurt. Did it ever cross your mind that while you're in Asia the odds are pretty good that she'll end up meeting and dating someone else? If not, it should. You're holding out for someone who's showing no signs of taking what's there for the taking. And believe me, she knows she's got you anytime she wants you. You're being there for her may in fact be counterproductive. Link to post Share on other sites
mrB2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 amerikajin All I am saying is that it is WRONG to talk about sex with a 'guy friend' who obviously has feeling for you. It is wrong to even bring it up when it is agreed that you will remain friends...There should be boundaries on what topics are 'kosher', and sex and marriage should be left out completely ....I even told her that I was willing to stop contact and move on...."Oh, no. Don't do that", she told me..... And yes, like I said in the previous post in this thread, I realize that she will probably meet someone else....I even said that I might find someone overseas.....However, I still believe that there was a connection.... But still, my question has not been answered....Does the 'spark' always have to be physical?..... MrB Link to post Share on other sites
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