she lied again, I snooped again, we fought again

[filarena]

For those who didn't read my posts some months ago, I've had a problem before with my girlfriend. She was acting very suspicious, I tried to confront her, she assured me nothing was wrong but still sent up red flags. I snooped, caught her lying. We fought, nearly broke up. We agreed we both had trust issues and we needed to work on it.

 

Well, for the past few weeks, I've been suspicious of her over a different issue (not cheating, just lying about something that was admittedly very personal and not *necessarily* something I *needed* to know about anyway). I asked her about it, she told me what she thought I wanted to hear. Again. I didn't buy it. Tried a few more times. Still got the nothing to worry about answer. So again I snooped and again I was right. I admitted it to her and again she gets very upset with me, nearly dumps me.

 

I understand I should not be snooping. I do. I wish I hadn't. But I'm trying to get straight answers out of her the right way and all I ever get is what she thinks I want to hear, even though I've told her how much that bothers me many many times. Obviously snooping isn't the best answer, and she now feels she can't trust me anymore. But I don't trust her either, and I don't see why I should, since both times I got suspicious I turned out to be right.

 

I feel dirty for doing what I did, and the particular issue I felt she was lying about this time wasn't as clearly my business as the last time (when she was meeting guys online). Do I need to just accept that I can't have perfect honesty? Understand that she's not obligated to tell me everything, and if I ask and her answer doesn't sound right, it's my own fault for putting her on the spot? Or do I have the right to expect to be able to believe my girlfriend? And if the latter is even true, how wise would it be to point that out when she tells me how lucky I am she's not breaking up with me for snooping again? If I bite my tongue, am I avoiding a fight today by ensuring another one in the future?

[witabix]

1.Do I need to just accept that I can't have perfect honesty?

 

2.Understand that she's not obligated to tell me everything, and if I ask and her answer doesn't sound right, it's my own fault for putting her on the spot?

 

3.Or do I have the right to expect to be able to believe my girlfriend?

 

4.And if the latter is even true, how wise would it be to point that out when she tells me how lucky I am she's not breaking up with me for snooping again?

 

5.If I bite my tongue, am I avoiding a fight today by ensuring another one in the future?

 

1. Some people are not comfortable with perfect honesty. They feel a need to keep something for themselves I think.

 

2. Depends on what you are asking about. Issues that affect you should be given clear answers. Things are personal to her alone, not sure, but I don't think she is obligated to tell you. Depends on how much of a sharer she is.

 

3. I think its best if trust is there, a right? I don't think we have a right to demand anything from anyone though.

 

4. Hard one. But you should say what you are thinking/feeling to your SO.

 

5. I think you probably are. Always best to get the issue dealt with rationally and calmly.

 

You have your agenda, she has hers. If they mismatch there is a problem. If you cannot discuss and agree on what to do the problem will only get worse.

 

Her 'style' of honesty appears to be at odds with yours. You seem to be locked in a vicious cycle here filarena.

 

You must find a way out of it. Talking is my panacea.

[filarena]

I too believe open communication is the answer. And she claims to as well, but her actions tell another story.

 

Now, I feel compelled to admit that she has got some real family issues, and I can understand why she has a hard time being honest with people when those who loved her most hurt her.

 

But just because I know there's a fairly valid reason for her to have difficulty opening up doesn't make it easy for me to wonder when if I tell her I'm feeling insecure about something, she's just humoring me when she says not to worry.

[witabix]

Yes filarena I think I know that feeling.

 

Here's how I dealt with it.

 

I offered her my trust again, and went from there.

 

It is impossible to tell day to day if anything dodgy is going on.

 

You have to take the chance and give her time to either fulfill your trust or give you good reason to retract it.

 

Until then its a bit like blind poker I am afraid.

 

Do you trust yourself enough to trust her?

[filarena]

We talked about it last night. I feel really stupid. She claims she would have told me eventually. Earlier, I had tried getting her to admit it by telling her about how I'd done something very similar myself (although she didn't know that I was saying this b/c I knew). She says she actually almost told me then. I guess if I wanted her to talk about it, I should have had faith and patience and tried to make it easier for her to trust me to understand. I was just so convinced she *never* would have told me, but that was wrong.

 

And after she blew off some steam and yelled at me for a while, she was fine. She mentioned several times how most people on the outside looking in would tell her to dump me for having snooped again, but she also admitted she wasn't mad. She was trying to be mad b/c she felt she had a right to be, but as much as she didn't like me snooping to get her to talk about it, she actually was happy to have it out in the open.

 

So I guess things could have gone an awful lot worse.

[witabix]

Yeah filarena, no matter how bad it is, it can always be a lot worse.

 

Maybe you have now got through the trust barrier and you can both be more open with one another.

 

I hope so.

 

Good luck!

[Curmudgeon]

Obviously snooping isn't the best answer, and she now feels she can't trust me anymore. But I don't trust her either, and I don't see why I should, since both times I got suspicious I turned out to be right.

 

Do I need to just accept that I can't have perfect honesty?

I always believed that if I felt compelled to snoop, the relatioship likely wasn't worth remaining in. Without mutual trust there really is no relationship.

 

As for acceptance, only you know your own tolerance level. What are you willing to settle for?

[filarena]

Well I got what I wanted this weekend. Full disclosure. Everything I suspected she might be hiding and a whole lot more. Most of me is doing the dance of joy that she finally trusts me enough to tell me everything and I can stop worrying about when she's being honest.

 

And part of me is still reeling. No wonder she hadn't told me some of this stuff.

 

I handled it far better than I would have expected if someone had asked me a year ago how I'd react if I were dating a girl and she told me about these things. But I wish I was good enough a boyfriend that I wasn't still thinking about it now several days later.

 

I told her it doesn't change anything and that I'm just really happy she finally told me. And that's wasn't a lie. But I only half-kiddingly told her that not only did I understand why she wasn't honest until now, but it wouldn't have killed her to spread out this much honesty over the course of a few conversations.

[witabix]

Yes, a bit of honesty can make every one feel better.