Desperatley seeking input re: my STUPID-in-love friend!!!!!!!!!

[Kengne]

I am literally going crazy.

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results every time.

 

Okay - my friend A, has been casually dating AND sleeping with this guy Ad for the last... mmm 7 years or so? She is in love with him, and believes he loves her. Mind you - he has had gf after gf the whole damn time they've known each other incl the most recent girl F (they just broke up).

 

Last night me, A and A's friend T went out for dinner. The convo started out light but as usual, quickly turned to A and her drama with her FWB friend, Ad.

 

A is continuously depressed over Ad. She is not happy with the FWB situation with Ad. But more than anything, she feels powerless to leave the situation. She is afraid that if she walks away from Ad - he will let her walk & not chase after her. She is afraid of not having Ad in her life. She told us both last night that she CAN NOT IMAGINE a future without Ad in her life - as her HUSBAND (mind you, they are not even TOGETHER! ).

 

She also suffers from low self esteem, and claims that Ad is the only person (or male) who accepted and 'loved' her as is. She has been pressing Ad for a rel'ship for the last 4 years - and he has always told her he is not ready (while MEANWHILE getting involved with other females like F!). She has stood by, and watched Ad jump from rel'ship to rel'ship but never consider her - even though they have continued to sleep together the whole FRIGGIN time!!

 

So last night - T and I - we took turns talking to A, trying desperately to knock some sense into her. This is not the 1st time we've done it - I call it an Intervention.

 

T and I went back & forth... using kind words at first... we basically tried to let her know that Ad wasn't doing anything TO her that she wasn't LETTING him do. I firmly believe that you show people how to treat you, and by remaining in the situation where HER needs are not being fulfilled A is essentially telling Ad "It's ok - I accept your crumbs gladly & happily." We tried to explain to her that she will never be able to open her heart & mind to anybody else, with Ad still in her life.

 

We told her that walking away from Ad - RIGHT NOW - doesn't mean that they can never be together in the way she wants - but that simply RIGHT NOW he CANNOT give her what she wants. He is doing what works for HIM - not her. She needs to do what works for HER - not him.

 

We said alot more along those lines and THEN she said this "I'm not willing to walk away from Ad, and leave it up to fate/destiny as to whether or not he comes back. What if he doesn't? That's not acceptable."

 

OMG ..... I just lost it! (remember, she has been in the FWB for 7 years!). I couldn't sugarcoat it anymore for her. I COULDN'T!

 

I blasted her! I said "A - are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?? Are you seriously trying to control the uncontrollable - the future??? WHAT IF he walks away from you, meets someone else and MARRIES her and doesn't even want YOU anymore?? THEN what are you going to do???"

 

She was speechless. Could not answer that question.

 

The rest of the night - every time we tried to show her the benefits of doing No Contact with Ad - for now - she literally REFUSED to VISUALIZE or ENTERTAIN the idea that HEY - NC JUST MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA!! She rebutted EVERYTHING we said, all the while claiming she 'heard' what we're saying. She tried to explain to us how much Ad means to her, how he;s been a part of her life for 7 years... yada yada yada... and how without him in her life she will feel empty (WTF???)

 

I told her she was dependent on Ad for her happiness - and THAT shyt is unhealthy! NO ONE should every be the center of your happiness. People should complement, NOT COMPLETE you!!

 

Aaaaaaargh....

 

My friend A calld me again this morning. Claiming she TOTALLY got what we said - but yet she's going to continue in the situation because she believes herself to be INCAPABLE of cutting him off! She KNOWS its the right thing to do - but yet she friggin believe she has NO will power and is INCAPABLE of walking away!! She tried to say some bullshyt like she's not as strong as me! I was like WTF - strength is built! You have to start somewhere!!!

 

I just ended the call after 10 mins of going back & forth abt Ad.

 

At the end - I told her that I'm sorry - but I can NO LONGER DISCUSS the Ad situation! I REFUSE!

 

I refuse to listen to anymore sob stories abt what new girl Ad is f*cking.

I refuse !!!

I REFUSE TO TALK TO STUPID PEOPLE!

Yes - she's my friend & I care abt her alot but IMO she's making VERY stupid decisions right now and I cannot sit there & watch her continue to make them!! I CANNOT!

 

So I just don't want to hear abt it anymore.

 

I've just reached the point where talking to her abt it... trying to give advice... that goes UNHEARD!!... is making ME feel crazy! And i'm not having it!

 

I can't help someone who doesn't even want to help themselves.

 

She got a little bit irate... didnt want to come off the phone but I told her NO - this is the LAST TIME we are discussing this. Until the day she has something FRESH & DIFFERENT to tell me - I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! And if that makes me a bad friend - F&CK IT!

 

WoW.

 

I feel alot better.

 

SO does anyone else have crazy, stupid-in-love friends like me?

OR IS IT JUST ME? CUZ I SWEAR IT"S JUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AM i wrong for walking away from her & this "situation"? Cuz if I am, I CERTAINLY don't wanna be right!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I just gotta stick... STICK to my guns when she calls me crying in 1, 2 or 3 mths abt the SAME OL STUPID SHYT!!!!!!!!!!

 

K.

[Gator762]

Dang, what a cummy story... I'm speechless. Don't know what to say, other than I feel bad for your friend, and hope she gets better!

[My_Other_I]

how about she talks to him about her feelings? his response might set her straight. or he will freak out and never talk to her again.

[Steph21]

It always annoys me when it's not working out with me and a guy and my friends are like, "Forget about him, you'll find someone new." Actually, I think that attitude from my friends furthers my desire to be with him in some twisted way. Like I want to show them that it WILL work, it just needs time. My advise is don't talk to her anymore about it, tell her to do what she needs to do, but you don't want to hear about it anymore.