I feel so suffocated...and I feel guilty for it.

[almostthere]

I feel like I am posting way to much on here. I guess because my heart and head arent matching here.

 

My bf and I went out drinking before Thanksgiving and he was a little buzzed. I asked him to let me drive him home (we drove seperately) because I barely had anything...2 beers. He said no he just wanted his truck home. Long story short...I ended up picking him up at the police station. His truck was towed because he didnt have insurance. Well...he's broke all the time and I tried to help him out financially to get his truck back but it was $800 and I am a single mom of 2 young kids. I need to take care of them too. Since that day he has been driving my car all day long. He drives me to and from work everyday. I was fine with helping out...but its January already. (That last sentence makes me feel bad that I think that way).

 

He hasnt been working lately...heating and a/c is slow for him right now...and he has absolutely no money. So I have been picking up dinner for me, my 2 kids, him, his 3 kids, his brother and his older stepson. Its killing me. I have been paying for the gas he is using. I have been buying him all of his cigarettes. I am bouncing checks, struggling with my own bills, going broke all the time and having trouble doing anything for or with my own kids because I have no money. (I feel selfish for thinking of taking care of him as a burden).

 

I just need a little time alone. I drive my car once a week if I am lucky. I used to have my exh milk off of me through highschool in much the same way. I know my bf doesnt mean to. I know he is trying to find a better job, get his other truck fixed so I can have my car back. I know hes trying but he keeps saying Feb or Mar. I cant wait that long. I am drowning and thats not fair because I am not supposed to be. But I want to help. I just cant. I work two jobs already just to support me and my children. I cant do anything more. And I feel horrible.

[itwontdawnsooner]

guilt is one of the most destructive feelings ever, and you seem to be completley overtaken by that. youre guilty, and you think, because youre a good person, that you have to be his savior and support him because its "right", all the while sacrificing yourself. its not easy to just blow someone off, especially since you care so much, but you know this can't go on.

 

how you want to handle it is up to you, telling him he needs to get his act together because you feel like youre drowning should open his eyes up very wide, and he should make the effort here too. youre doing so much. dont take on the world all by yourself like its your duty, and dont let guilt make you do things you know you wouldnt do otherwise.

[bluechocolate]

I guess because my heart and head aren't matching here.

 

I would agree with you there.

 

Your first priority is to your children.

 

I have been buying him all of his cigarettes.

 

That should be way, way down on your list of priorities. If he's not working why is he driving your car all week? Why does he need the gas? It was his own irresponsible & dangerous behaviour that lost him his truck in the first place. When his work picks up again, what is he going to do? Use your car for that too?

 

All of this just sounds wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

(I feel selfish for thinking of taking care of him as a burden).

 

It sounds like a burden, it feels like a burden, so why not call it for what it is?

 

I used to have my ex milk off of me through high school in much the same way.

 

And now you're letting it happen it again.

 

You need to take care of yourself & kids first - the same applies to him. Get your car back. Stop buying him cigarettes. Stop feeding him & his children. And his brother?! (WTF is that about!) I guarantee you they won't starve without you.

[almostthere]

Thanks for the advice...

 

I know I have to stop. I know my kids come first. He uses my car to get his kids to and from school. And job hunting. things like that. I know its just temporary because he wasnt "needy" before all this happened. I just dont understand how at 30 you dont have enough self respect to have a job and be able to support at least yourself and your children.

 

My problem is is that I care about him. and I take care of those I love. My kids arent suffering but me and my kids are very active. we are usually out and about every weekend finding something cool to do. Or even as we call it "bummin around the mall." I guess I am just feeling the pinch right now because I feel like I am sharing too much. I almost feel like I live with him. Me and the kids stay there probably 5 nights a week now. And I know thats my choice. and please dont get me wrong....most of the time I want to be there. And my kids think hes great so they want to be there.

 

I guess Im just overwhelmed. I am not ready for the "whats yours is mine" thing yet. I havent had sh*t of my own since my divorce and I am starting to rebuild. I dont want to share it all yet. I know thats selfish. And Im sorry I cant help it. I'll share anything else. But my money and my car. I need those for me and my children.

 

Im sorry...I just really dont know what to do. I have been posting so much about him lately. I am just so confused. He really is a great person. Its just everything around him...I just dont know about. Usually I wouldnt get all wrapped up like this. I would figure this relationship is causing a lot of confusion and I could just walk away. But with him I see so much potential I dont want to just walk away. But I am worried...maybe I am seeing what I want to see. Not whats really there. This is exactly why I am divorced in the first place. I saw things in my exh that werent there.

[bluechocolate]

I just don't understand how at 30 you don't have enough self respect to have a job and be able to support at least yourself and your children.

 

That's what I was thinking. He is a father with responsibilities & he's letting you take care of him like this, a woman who isn't his wife & really shouldn't be obligated to him in this way. Yes, it's great to help those you care for, but only to extent that your abilities will allow. You also have to consider that sometimes helping out in this way is precisely the wrong thing to do.

 

I guess I'm just overwhelmed.

 

You certainly sound like it.

 

But with him I see so much potential I don't want to just walk away.

 

Potential is what you see in your children. Not a grown man & father. Potential isn't good enough to sustain a relationship. I think I know what you're saying, but I also agree with you that you may be seeing what you want to see rather than what is really there.

 

This is exactly why I am divorced in the first place. I saw things in my exh that weren't there.

 

Here's a quote for you:

 

"There is nothing more pointless or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results".

--Gordon Livingston, M.D.

 

I had a quick look at some of your posts. There are several issues bothering you with this guy. I think it's a good idea to take a break from this.

 

You're not married & you're not living with the guy. It shouldn't be this hard. Really, it shouldn't. I think you know that.