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Getting call from man after first meeting


Altaira

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First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to all.

 

My question involves Getting a call from man after first meeting after having hours long phone conversations, daily IM's, and emails within a nine month period, and developing closeness before meeting:

 

the first (two weeks ago) meeting in this case is not your typical first date, but still the first meeting, and I wonder

 

what is the acceptable time frame for the man to call the woman since the meeting?

 

Are instant messages (which he has sent four times since meeting), if they are very loving, equivalent to a phone call?

 

What if the man is overloaded with work (is the boss for a government office) and dealing with outside work issues as well.

 

And before meeting, the calls were few in between as well for the same reason (workload). However, in before meeting, the man would at least call if I was upset about something.

 

For the last instant message, I indicated I was upset in messenger, and he's apologized and given his explanation, that we'll talk soon, and that he misses me and loves me very much. He stayed on the messenger for a while trying to catch me and I was on at the time but I ignored him and haven't responded because I had to wait four days fo his response, and I refuse to deal with him any longer on the messenger.

 

Some background: there was a feeling of closeness before the meeting, which had it's good moments but also awkward ones, esp. the goodbye part when he drove me home from his place (I don't usually do that on first meeting but like I said we were bf/gf ish before meeting. I felt vulnerable in the morning and clammed up and was very formal, wasn't that friendly towards him and I offered a kiss on his cheek. Which is maybe weird considering I'd spent the night. He knew I was shy before meeting, which is part of why it took so long to meet, he wanted me to feel comfortable with him first. He wondered if I'd be shy or affectionate when we met, and I guess I was shy.

 

Should I respond at all to his instant message? Should I write him off at this point? We met two weeks ago.

 

Thank you for reading this.

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Lishy, will answering that help you respond?

 

He knows I didn't want to do anything, in fact I didn't really wanted to sleep over for the first meeting but he is very persistent and said he couldn't sleep the night before and had to call headquarters to be absent at work (where he's the boss) because of an argument we had the night before which made me feel like I had to make up for it.

 

He d idn't really keep his word t hat he'd be gentleman, he wasn't one completely because there was oral sex (mind you there were romantic and affectionate gestures too, it wasn't just sex) and in the morning he did something (no penetration) which made him orgasm, and I felt vulnerable and clammed up and was mostly distant and quiet during the ride home (he brought me back to my city).

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Well my dear I would say that he has bullied you into something that you was completely not comfortable with. He has made you feel guilty because he could not sleep - Jesus this guy is running a company and he is probably used to calling the shots and getting people to jump through hoops.

 

I would say that he has picked up on how un-comfortable you where the next day and he does not know how to deal with it.

 

Do you want to be with a guy who uses manipulation to get what he wants?

 

I wouldnt worry about him not calling you I would spend my thought time wondering what YOU want from the relationship.

 

And no hon an IM is not good enough after you have spent the night and left on a distant and quiet note. He should have had the curtesy and insight to know that you needed contact with him and he should have called you.

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Thanks, Lishy

 

Yes, I will start thinking more about myself and what I want. I had briefly thought of your suggestion as a possibility myself. I just don't know though because when he instant messages saying "I love you", I say it back.

 

Another thing I left out is that I wrote on the messenger that I regretted doing anything, and t hen he wrote he hoped I wasn't upset about it and t hat it was something special between us. In a later message, he also writes he really enjoyed the night we spent together and that I made him feel special. But he does seem to be avoiding me by not calling. Either it's because like you say he doesn't know how to deal with the sex thing or others suggested he's less interested (they didn't know the detail I gave you though) or something else. Have no clue, but I've calmed down about it thank God.

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He's a cad. A man who cares for you - or believes that, in time, the fondness he has for you will turn to caring - won't pressure you into sex with him before you're ready, and certainly not on the first real date.

 

Chalk it up to experience. Remembering how uncomfortable you felt after allowing yourself to be pressured into sex will help you be stronger and not do anything that you don't feel comfortable about in the future.

 

PS: I was in a similar situation several years ago so I do know exactly how you feel. :)

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Ok I'm sorry to say this but ......

 

you ignored him because you were mad , you did not tell him why, he should be able to read minds, so I can see why you did not tell him why you were mad and then wonder why he might want to put some distance between you ....

 

hmmmmmmmmmm

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L8848K

 

I didn't act too mad at the end of the meeting, just distant. I would have changed back into my close and affectionate self had he called and not just given me instant messages with little to back up his nice words. Also, he used to im me everyday, and now it's days between his im, he apologizes and says he misses me, etc. and that he's busy with work and the car issues and not getting home until late, but they seem like excuses. A call takes a minute. The only improvement after the meeting is the fact that he always addresses me as "Princess" whereas before the meeting he would do it on and off.

 

On another thread you mentioned it's harder for a man to call a woman he likes more, so could you tell me how to tell what the underlying cause is?

 

CoolAunt, thanks so much for your input.

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I will put it to you this way.....

 

a man gets rejected almost constantly ...unless he never tries .....

 

you acted distant ..... so he starts to wonder hmmmmm I wonder if she likes me .....wow I dont wanna get hurt so I will pull back a little bit and see if she calls ....you thinking a man should pursue dont call him ....

 

so now he's sure you are not interested but for the hell of it he calls again just to make sure it wasn't just a bad day except this time you are even more distant because he should have called but didn't

 

oh yeah she's rejecting me , I dont want to seem like a stalker so I'm not going to call again

 

then you sit around and wonder why men quit calling

 

we can't read minds and when you are distant it feels like dis-interest not like we should start asking questions to figure out why you are mad or maybe visit a psychic to see if were not calling enough ...

 

do you understand what I'm saying

 

oh and by the way I have used those same excuses for not calling a girl that I thought about constantly ....wanna know why ?

 

because it sounded better than look I really like you but im afraid you will reject me and I cant tell whether you really like me or not

 

Im not saying thats the case everytime but think about it

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L,

 

I may have acted distant at the end of the meeting, however . . .

 

I said "I love you" back in response to him saying "I love you", and recipocrated in response to his positive im's. This was all on IM.

 

Why can't he call? He did write "talk to you soon, Baby" though. But I wonder when and how long to wait before calling it all off permanently?

 

Thanks so much for your input.

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why can't you call ?

 

Oh wait I know why because if he loved you he should just automaticly know he should call

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He has caller id, and I'm pretty sure knows I called (but left no message). When someone calls the number is left on the caller id screen after the fact. I think.

 

How can a woman tell if the underlying cause of mixed signals is

 

a) the guy is scared or

b) the guy is less interested than before

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maybe he wants you to call again .....

 

I'm sure you have not returned a call hoping they would call again

 

why ? because you wanna see if they like you . it does feel good being persued by someone you like, no ?

 

why not leave a message saying to call you back are you afraid he wont call back ...

 

now if dude is not calling at all and not answering or returning your calls then you can be sure he probably dont like you , but if he is calling just not as much as you like then dont jump to conclusions so fast

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Ok this is just me, please keep that in mind ...

 

I WONT send mixed signals unless I like you and can't really read you, then I alternate between I like you when I'm feeling brave and yeah you're ok when I can't read you

 

I will call you, but not that much ( seems to be my biggest thing ...why you ask I wanna see if you will call me ) comes off as not really being into you

 

I will make jokes about being together or other intimate things ( they say there is a lot of truth in just )

 

I might not ask you out but seem to be calling for no specific reason

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L,

 

This guy likes to be the pursuer, he's said so in words.

 

And my issue is the frequency or time frame of his contacting me has changed. I guessed you've addressed this.

 

And one reason why I jump to conclusions is the negative feedback from some when I feel insecure and ask for it from coworkers, friends, or chatroom strangers, etc.

 

One female friend suggested that the interest may be less because otherwise he'd be calling me everyday in excitement after a great date.

 

I have another female friend/coworker who I'm suspicious about and feel angry about because

1) she thinks this is guy "hot" based on the photo I showed her (this part is fine)

2) she seems unhappy when I talk about the good things involving this guy

3) all her comments about him are one note, all negative, that put down doubt in my mind. So much so that this guy asked me not to discuss him with others who give negative feedback because he was afraid I'd be swayed.

4) she has issues with men and hasn't had a relationship in years,

 

and I'm hoping she means well and is just concerned, but I really have doubts and will no longer be discussing him with her.

 

In fact, I stopped discussing him with her until this meeting and she had a putdownish comment implying he wasn't interested. Before the meeting we had lunch once and she asked how things were with the guy, wondering why I stopped talking about him.

 

5) TWICE she's asked for his name and address "in case he turns out to be dangerous, which I find odd. I just told her my brother has his address.

WHY WOULD SHE ASK FOR THIS?

 

She even wanted to trail him at home, verify his employment, etc. the first few times I brought him up with her.

 

In chatrooms, I got a lot of negative feedback on this situation, some of the people were brutal and just seemed catty or petty.

 

I will start trying not to be so influenced by others opinions.

 

Thanks so much!

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everybody is really quick to jump on the dump them, there just not into bandwagon.

 

if everyone was the same then one answer would fit all

 

ME MYSELF have been into a girl in the extreme so much so I thought about her 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I can bet if she asked 100 people do you think he likes me ..... 98 would have said ...... no he doesnt call you everyday excited and chomping at the bit to be with you.

 

like I said though if he is at least calling maybe 1 x a week or so, does not completely avoid your calls and calls you back at least on occasion then I would be willing to bet there IS INTEREST

 

Disclaimer : this is just me and my opinion, one size does not fit all and it may not fit you

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L,

 

He has instant messaged me adoring words but has not called and the meeting was two weeks ago. He says he misses me "a whole lot" and in one message, he "loves me very much" and "talk to you soon, Baby", but there is no phone call.

 

His last message he wrote nice things that I made him feel special, and I wrote something subtly sarcastic that I felt special too "because (he) was such a gentleman so I didn't feel vulnerable and then I got a call soon after."

 

I don't know if he'll pick up on it. IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT SEEMS LIKE THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION?

 

A) be direct with my feelings on the messenger and say I feel like he likes me less? And t hat I'm sad about his not calling?

 

B) tell him I won't be checking my messages but I'll talk to him on the phone

 

or

 

C) leave it alone already and just see what happens?

 

On thing I didn't understand is on the way home, he brought up again how "he tossed and turned" (the night we had an argument). Next day is when we got together. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say so I asked if he was upset over not going to work and he said it's good to have a day off once in while.

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I would no doubt go with answer C

let it ride

 

there are many reason he may prefer IM to telephone

 

less money

easier to be himself and say what he feels

timing of the calls

his wife doesn't like it ( just kidding but hey it has happened )

 

 

 

things that heat up quickly, often cool just as quickly

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if I liked her no, I would be happy she told me and would be glad to call her more

 

if I didn't like her I would think she is a clingy freak, but an honest clingy freak and wouldnt change

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Lishy, I hear you, it's how most people feel, but we were saying it even before meeting.

 

L,

 

I kind of regret chooseing A), I hope it doesn't sound insecure.

 

What I wrote was,

 

that I'd prefer to be friends over communicating less if he feels any differently about me. And to have a great day at work.

 

I didn't address him with the typical affectionate nickname (he calls me "Princess") but it was friendly.

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