BryteNytez Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 Hello, Im new to these forums and I figured I could get great advice here. This is my situation: I had my first serious relationship a few years ago and during it, there'd be times where I'd get stressed out or feel too submissive in the relationship or have some kind of problem with my girlfriend and turn spiteful and say mean things to her and I knew they'd hurt her. We only dated for a year and a half or so and it ended, there was no sex involved because I was inexperienced and we were both virgins. I realized I had hurt her quite a few times with the things I said and vowed to myself to never let it happen again because small things like this could be the stepping blocks to something worse, like flat out abuse... Now Im in my second serious relationship and I found myself showing this darkside of me the other night to my girlfriend. I said one thing out of spite and then I realized what I was doing. I explained to her how I was feeling, how I felt stressed and weak and didn't like feeling submissive and I had said something out of spite intending to hurt her. She said it wasn't that bad and it didn't hurt her but I knew it did atleast a little. And through explaining all the chaotic things going through my head, I avoided going farther and got over it, however, I feel like I greatly confused her. Made her feel like I had these pent up problems with her and that side of me was just those problems showing themselves differently. Well, I would like to know of any advice on avoiding this thing I'm doing, saying mean things intentionally then feeling bad and being nice to her cuz I know after I do something like that, she's going to get very affectionate and be nice to me, probably in worries she might lose me and I don't wan that at all. I've told her this and she knows what Im going through and what I did in my last relationship. How can I show her she's doesn't need to worry, that I do love her and the spiteful things I said were just that, out of spite and not true. And what can I do to prevent this problem? This could turn into serious abuse many years down the road in a marriage and Im really scared. We're just now starting to get involved with each other sexually (no actual intercourse yet, we're still virgins) and I don't want to start with her thinking she might lose me if she doesn't, like this is the only way to keep me. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 This is a toughie.. It could be alot of things.. Anger mangement.. Maturity or some unresolved issues from something else in your life.. Do you ever get real angry with her ? Sometimes younger people say things to try to control someone.. Could this be it ?..Are you trying to control her ? Maybe you need to just grow up some and accept that she is a person and you don't have the right to say mean things to her... I dunno.. I threw out my 2 cents Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 It sounds like you need to get a better idea of who you are and what's making you behave in this passive aggressive manner. Is it possible that you're unable to express what it is that you need (ie the being stressed out and submissive) that is causing you to snap? Maybe you feel resentful for her role in your feeling week and submissive and that's why you're saying spiteful things? I'm not sure...like Art_Critic said, this is a tough one! Think about what happens and what you're feeling right before you snap. Maybe counseling or anger management will help you out. Link to post Share on other sites
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