Grumpy when turned down...

[DragonSparkle]

Hi everyone,

I'm just wondering--is it really hard for a guy (in this case, my boyfriend) to be told that I'm not in the mood at the moment? This is my first serious relationship, and first sexual one at that, and I really enjoy our sex life. But, I mean, there are times when I'm just really underslept from studying and just plain tired, and I don't have the energy to do more than cuddle together. I make sure to be gentle and tell him it's not that I don't want "him", I just don't want "it". But he usually gets quite upset--he'll leave the room, quit cuddling with me, and tell me, "I'm just having a hard time dealing with this". But... I don't understand... We do have sex, and plenty often. There are just times when I'd rather snuggle together on the couch. Is this a normal response? Is it really that difficult for him to still be happy without having me satsify his more immediate urges?

[slubberdegullion]

It depends on the guy, of course, and the relationship, but the short answer is yes.

 

This has been brought up before numerous times, but in short, men (myself included) often equate sexual intimacy with acceptance. Even if you couch your denial of sex in comforting words, the fact is that it's a denial.

 

It's similar to you wanting him to snuggle up on the couch and him refusing you.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't have any say in the matter. What I am saying, though, is that snuggling on the couch is fine but it doesn't address his needs.

 

So what to do? Talk to him about it. Be direct. Be patient. Be caring and loving. And understand that, while sex isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship, for many (most?) men it's pretty close.

[glittergurl]

lol My husband's grumpy too when I don't feel like doing it. He goes "alright, whatever", turns his back at me and pretends he's falling asleep It used to really upset me, but our sex life is good, so when I sometimes don't feel like doing it and he reacts that way I just think "oh well"

[froggytroat]

How many times a week do you have sex?

 

How often do you shoot him down?

 

How many times a week do you see him?

 

Give us some numbers, here...

[littlekitty]

It depends on the guy, of course, and the relationship, but the short answer is yes.

 

This has been brought up before numerous times, but in short, men (myself included) often equate sexual intimacy with acceptance. Even if you couch your denial of sex in comforting words, the fact is that it's a denial.

 

For once I find myself disagreeing with you slubberdegullion!

 

I don't think his 'sulking' is normal or correct!! It's a childish attitude to sex.

 

I'm highly sexually driven myself, but generally both my partner and I will at some time simply not be in the mood. Sometimes some gentle persuasion from one side or another can work.. sometimes the other just has to accept it and deal with it... but never... NEVER... has either one of us been childish enough to sulk over it.

 

Yes, sex is close to the be all and end all of some relationships. But regardless, this is going to happen, and it doesn't mean anything other than 'I'm not in the mood at the moment darling...'!

 

If you're having sex often and it's good, then he needs to get a bit of maturity over this... its life! You can't always both be in the mood at the same time!

 

I'd be interested to know if you ever get the occasional knock back from him.... if it's only ever him initiating and you knocking back... that might be why he's whining!! If it’s pretty equal… you need to let him know his behavior doesn’t help!

[slubberdegullion]

For once I find myself disagreeing with you slubberdegullion!

 

I don't think his 'sulking' is normal or correct!! It's a childish attitude to sex.

I absolutely agree that wandering away in a funk won't do much to strengthen the relationship. And I do agree that intimacy should not be strictly relegated to the bedroom (or stairs, or kitchen, or couch... well, you get the idea). Hey, even I am sometimes not in the mood (I think the last time was in the spring of 2004... )

 

And that's ok, littlekitty, that you disagree with me on occasion. I respect smart people like yourself who hold a different view!

[littlekitty]

I absolutely agree that wandering away in a funk won't do much to strengthen the relationship. And I do agree that intimacy should not be strictly relegated to the bedroom (or stairs, or kitchen, or couch... well, you get the idea). Hey, even I am sometimes not in the mood (I think the last time was in the spring of 2004... )

 

And that's ok, littlekitty, that you disagree with me on occasion. I respect smart people like yourself who hold a different view!

 

Why thank you kind Sir....! Tis nice to challenge one's views in a intellectual forum such as this!

[basscatcher]

I use to feel like this when I was married for many reasons (which I posted in other threads.)

 

In the last 8 years though, I have just said if you want it then you take it but don't expect me to participate.. (Usually I will end up giving in..)

 

I see sex as a way to relax. I am able to sleep better and relax quicker afterwards. Even when I am sick if I get some gentle lovin I seem to feel better quicker.

 

But to each his own. I can understand both ends of the spectrum. When I want it and don't get it I get frustrated and expressive but I soon calm down once I change my focus.

[GivenUp0083]

I think as long as you are having sex some of the time, he shouldn't be so childish. It's when you make him go like a month without it, then he has reason to be worried.

 

When I broke up with my ex, we hadn't had sex in a month and a half. I wasn't seeing much of her because of her job, and when we finally did get to spend time together she never wanted to be intimate. Along with some other reasons, I broke off our year and a half relationship because I figured she wasn't into me anymore. For some reason she was shocked when I broke up with her.