First Time Seeking Advice

[quercus]

I stumbled across this site and hope somebody might offer some advice and help to ease my mind. Those that take time to read and reply; I thank you in advance. I began dating a girl a few months ago, both of us in our late 20’s, and we became inseparable immediately. I tend to stay very guarded due to some past relationships, but that wasn’t the case this time because I felt so comfortable. I quickly had feelings for her that I hadn’t had for anyone in awhile, and she expressed repeatedly the feelings were mutual.

 

A few weeks ago she found out that her unmarried sister was pregnant and knew this was going to cause a lot of turmoil amongst her family once the news broke. We continued seeing each other daily and everything was fine, but once her sister told her mother; there began to grow a distance between us. She apologized and said that she was just physically and emotionally spent being the intermediary between her parents, sister, and other family members who are constantly calling. (They all live elsewhere) Though much more infrequent, we still continued seeing each other until suddenly she just shut me out completely. I called a couple of times, sent a text message or two just saying hello; and it wasn’t until several days later that she got back in touch with me.

 

First I asked how she and her family were holding up; and she just sounded exasperated saying it was as if the family was falling apart. I asked (In hindsight a dumb question, yet one I was desperately seeking the answer of) why the abrupt end in our relationship. She reiterated that her family was all she could handle at this time and again apologized saying she didn’t feel it fair to me since her entire focus was directed on her family. I let her know that while I understood her plight, I cared deeply for her and would be there for her if needed. Then told her that I didn’t have such high expectations from her, would just like to be able to stay in contact and go out if she felt up to it while she is going through all of this.

 

Now, I feel really selfish in worrying about myself while seeing what all she is being forced to go through, but this is someone I have fallen head over heels in love with. I hate that I can’t be looked at for moral support, but can understand if she feels the need to have her space right now. My problem is that I want her to know that I am thinking about her and there for her while at the same time not running her off by being overly persistent. I have worried myself to death over the situation, but have come to the conclusion that there really isn’t anything I can do…although that hasn’t stopped me from thinking about her constantly.

 

So…I would welcome and will greatly appreciate any advice.

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

Don't lose touch with her, show her your support, let her know you care and are in her corner, no matter what. It's okay to feel sad and hurt about it too. Don't deny yourself that. She has stuff going on in her life and can now only focus on what's infront of her...Has nothing to do with you.

 

Be a friend when she needs you to be there, but in the meantime, focus on yourself abit more. Be active with your buddies and fill your time up with sports, movies and having some fun. Visit your family etc...

 

I"m sure once things get better she will appreciate the space you gave her. Remember, it's not about you - You haven't done anything wrong. And it's okay to miss her and the intimacy between you two. That's normal!

 

Hope this helps.

[slubberdegullion]

WWIU has it right on. Also, given the fact that she's stressing out big-time right now, it probably won't be enough to say, "Just let me know if there's anything I can do." You'll likely have to take the initiative here; instead of leaving the next conversation up in the air in regards to date/time, see if you can make an arrangement for some sort of twice-a-week follow up with her. I know, it sounds very clinical and whatnot, but this accomplishes three things:

1. It takes the heat off her in having to remember to call you;
   
2. It gives you peace of mind because you'll have contact with her on a regular basis; and,
   
3. It shows her that you support her in her trouble, without being a pest.
   

Good luck.

[quercus]

I truly appreciate the advice. I’ve allowed it to really get me down and struggling with what I could have done differently and what would be the proper way to proceed with respect to her have been dominating my thoughts. Just getting that off my chest and reading your replies has been very refreshing. Thanks!