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The Ex-Factor -- Worry or not to Worry...


ukgirl

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That is the question:

 

My BF (late 20s) and I (mid 20s) have a great relationship -- it was instant chemistry, wonderful intimacy and fantastic times together from day 1. He's a bit mathematicall, doesnt easily express himself emotionally... But is an all round a true wholesome good man. In fact, he's been so receptive to me, my needs, and is so supportive, we continued the relationship even though I was planning to go to school in the UK for a year. He even came out with me to help pick a school... I met the parents and he met mine all is well... I am great with all his friends... On paper its near-perfect.

 

The thing that has bothered me, and honestly I am not worried about cheating or anything of that matter, its acutally the last worry I have... it is his ex... She's a bit of a nut-case, and controlling from what everyone has told me... But while he broke it off and moved on, they still excahnge the occasional email, maybe once very 3 months... Nothing too friendsly, just a hello how's it been kinda thing.

 

My BF has sent me copies of the emails to show what was said, because he doesnt want me to worry. He is open about it, but I dont think he knows how much it hurts that they still communicate. I cant explain why, it just DOES. AND BAD. Perhaps it's because I was married/divorced before and I know the routes... I grew up in 'broken home' so I have some baggage with that obviously... But my mom thinks I should 'keep my options open' which frankly I like my 'option' the way it is... just not the old ex in the picture.

 

On the same note, I do not want to be controlling. I let him go out with his friends whenever he wants, because I do trust him and he's never let me down. I let him be him, and he lets me be me... I dont want to be the 'jelous GF' who has him on a ball-n-chain. I belive in holding love in your open hands not clenched in a fist.

 

So, I dont know what to do because I am in the UK and he's in the states...I'm only going to be here less than a year (with about 1.5 months worth of visits in between all this)...And I know marriage is around the corner upon my return (long discussions, ring shopping, the whole bit)... I want to make sure I address this issue carefully, because this local live-in relationship is now temporarily a long distance one (btw we talk 1-2x a day and email all the time). And I want to make sure I dont make any more serious relationship mistakes.

 

Anybody for any advice? I would appreciate some input because I'm stumped because I want to approach this rationally. THis is an emotional topic for me.

 

Sinerely,

Wanting to be reasonable.

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It doesn't sound like there is a problem at all. Were I in your position, with such a trustworthy and moral man, I would think even showing copies of the emails to me unneccessary. He only speaks with her on occasion, just to be friendly, and it doesn't sound like he has any doubts about wishing to go back to her -- he's planning to marry you, after all! That's the ultimate pledge of obligation.

 

I'd just let him have his space. He sounds, from your description, to be a very open man, and being a mathematical/logical person myself, I would deem his actions perfectly acceptable -- offering to send you copies is a confirmation of his loyalty.

 

Do not be uncertain about him. If he did not reciprocate your feelings, he would not be this involved. Speaking with an ex once every three months through email is hardly cause for concern.

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