Major Cop-Out?!!

[flowergirl]

OMG, WTF!!! The guy I've been going around raving to my friends and family about, the guy who everyone who met him just loved, is history. He ditched me. I understand it had only been about 6 weeks, but damn, he nearly had me convinced he really liked me, and our relationship could possibly develop into something in the future. Here's the deal.We were sitting talking about how he worked alot to save up money and how a relationship was gonna fit into all that. We also talked about the fact that he's homesick to go back to Guatemala where he's from, both of which he had mentioned previously. The bomb came when he said he didn't think we could be together anymore even though he really liked me alot, because he might go back to Guatemala someday, plus he doesn't trust in love because one of his exes cheated on him, so i'm sitting here ignoring the phone calls and voice mails he keeps leaving me, only calling him back to respond to a concern he expressed that I got home o.k, and since I did, not to call me anymore. Now, I tend to get attached easily to people, but I thought we had a mutual understanding that, although we weren' t moving in together tomorrow or anything, we had a real, developing relationship, something more than friends. That's what we both expressed and agreed upon. What really pissed me off is that he couldn't understand for the life of him why I was upset about this. Men are less than pigs.

[hoppy28]

wow.................sounds like my story. i went throught the same thing with a woman. it really disapointed me and i still have some bitter feelings.

 

i think your situation was alittle better though........atliest you got an explanation. i didnt get anyhting what i did get wasnt the truth. its amazing how people can blind you temporarliy. i was so fooled by this girl. when i found out the real reason was another guy.....i wanted to puke.

i like you get attached pretty easily. im picky in that i know what i want so i tend to grasp on to them. 6 weeks to some maynot sound like enough time to form "feelings" to many people. to you and i its enough time to get "hooked". i need to work on this behavior.

[bluechocolate]

....although we weren' t moving in together tomorrow or anything, we had a real, developing relationship, something more than friends. That's what we both expressed and agreed upon.

 

Way too soon to be agreeing that you both had a developing relationship. If he expressed this first then you should have immediately been wary. People who are too eager to "jump right in" generally tend to jump out just as fast.

 

I am of the opinion that with any new relationship you should expect that in the first 2 to 3 months anything can happen. The time to agree upon a developing relationship is after you've had a few months of regular contact. Until you've had that conversation - anything goes.

 

Now, I tend to get attached easily to people, but I thought we had a mutual understanding....

 

This is one of the dangers people like you face a lot I imagine. Two people coming to different conclusions & expectations from the same conversations. You know you have this tendency, you should guard against it - which doesn't have to mean becoming distrustful & withdrawn.

 

.....and since I did, not to call me anymore.

 

That's the best thing to do right now. Yes, it's a disappointment, but he's done you favour - better 6 weeks than 6 months you find out. You also have to consider that he may be spinning you a line to let you down gently. Whatever - you'll be fine.

[flowergirl]

He says that his mom wants him to come home since she's sad and lonely because she's by herself since her husband died a few months ago, so she needs him and he's really homesick anyway. Oh well, I guess it's just as the book says, He's Just Not That Into Me.

[alphamale]

Oh well, I guess it's just as the book says, He's Just Not That Into Me.

Don't expect anything after only 6 weeks with someone. After 6 months, maybe.

[flowergirl]

I'm not expecting head-over-heels love or anything resembling that in only six weeks' time, however I DO expect a modicum of respect and honesty no matter what stage the relationship is in. Is it too much for a man to tell the truth about why he's breaking up with you?! And is too much for him to let you know about at the same time he starts to feel it, instead of bottling it up, and then springing it on you weeks later?! That's all I'm askin'!

[basscatcher]

6 weeks isn't that long of a time even though when you spend a lot of time together during that time it feels longer. I know I experience it all the time. I too dated a man from Guatemala for 4 1/2 years and I heard him complain about how homesick he was. I listened to it for 9 1/2 years (we use to be co-workers and became friends before dating.)

He is confused, homesick, lonely (not alone), possibly might have other interests (women), and maybe just too busy with is job to squeeze in time for dating or a serious relationship. Or, like most men I've dated, are relationship or commitment phobic.

(personally I am grateful my relationship with my ex-Guatemalan is over- he became possessive, controlling, manipulative and was trying to ruin my relationship with my family and my friends. He asked me several times if I would move to Guatemala with him. I am glad I didn't.)

If he is being complicated now it may become more difficult if you continue to fight for a relationship with him when he is being so indifferent. When dating outside your own culture there are many different dynamics and its not easy. I'm speaking again from experience.

Mend your heart, and don't stress over him. I don't believe in fighting for someone who is already speaking negatively about the relationship. He apparently hasn't invested his heart yet and is expressing his seperateness. Sweetie, it's not worth getting your heart broken over worse then you already feel.

If you distance yourself from him and keep him distant he may wake up and realize what he wants to give up. Maybe you need to play hard to get for him to see who you are.. He is so wrapped up in his own head he isnt seeing you. Without you there to be comforting him when he is homesick he may wake up and focus more on you or if he doesnt turn around then he wasn't worth your time. He has issues and he needs to deal with them himself.. You cant fix him. I tried to fix my exbf and comfort him but it didnt work. He exhasted me until I was depressed. I gave and gave trying to help him and I only depleted myself of time, energy, and money that I could have focused on me and possibly someone else who didnt have all those issues...

You cant fix another person. He is homesick. Understandable... but you cannot fix that.. He will always be homesick as long as he lives here and his mother is calling for him. Central American family's have a strong bond we don't have in the USA. Trying to compete with that will tear your heart apart. It took me years to understand it myself and I still can't put it into words.

Watch your heart and keep your eyes open. You may want more then he wants at the heart of it all too.

[flowergirl]

Padamackla:

 

Thanks so much for the insight. Dan, 4 1/2 years!!I feel bad for you, girl!! At least I learned at six weeks instead of a few years. I don't mean to be offensive, but WTF is up a man who knows he doesn't want a relationship but gets into one anyway? That's just mean, and thoughtless to the person who they get into the relationship with.

[confused11356]

I dated a woman, (35 yrs old) and had the exact same thing happen to me.

 

In many cases the person dumped, is completly led to fall in love through the dumpers strange intense behavior.

 

In my case, I met a beautiful woman, who would always say the deepest, most intense things I ever heard. I was taking it slowly. She said "I was the one", she "never felt like this before", texting me day and night, calling, asking for my company, cooking for me, sex was amazing. Telling me she could hardly breathe if I am not around. She simply never felt this way....

 

Then one day, 8 weeks into it, out of nowhere, after calling to see me 5 days in a row, she told me she feels smothered... She is confused. Not ready for a relationship. And that is just plain screwed up. Not only does she not want a relationship, but I could tell she just became a completely different person around me. She told me she still wants to see me, but I could also date others, and she would not care at all. There is no reason for thse people to say and act so intensely, and then just drop off completely. Is almost cruel and evil.

[flowergirl]

Another thing. My ex said that he doesn't really believe in love because he rushed into his last relationship and got his heart broken after three years together. He left her 8 months ago. Here's a question for the guys out there. If you'd had your heart broken, would that be a good excuse for not going out with someone you honestly liked, or that reason yet another cop-out, as I suspect?

[kscholze]

flowergrl-

 

I dont think it is a cop out. as a man I have had my heart broken and I find it hard to open up to someone who I actually like.

 

I couldn't say the words I love you to my ex even though I wanted to.

I was afraid to rush into it.

 

Problem is I threw the relationship away and now I regret that.

 

Dont know what you got till its gone.

[flowergirl]

Yeah, confused, you're right, that's how it is. I mean he always said he wanted to take things slowly, but he bought me stuff, and acted like he was sweet and honest, and my mother, who's the most judgemental person, thought he was great. Ain't it funny how people can trick you?

[flowergirl]

But Kscholze, in my mind I don't see that as a reson for a person to never ever be in a relationship again. Everyone feels that one sometimes, but they somehow manage to dust themselves off and get back in the game.

[flowergirl]

Ok, here's another thing. If you're having a conversation with a girl you just broke up with, DON'T say anything remotely sexual to her, (like asking her what kind of underwear she has on) it's just obnoxious and immature, and bordering on sadistic because she still might like you. Thanks so much for your attention and understanding, gentlemen.

[flowergirl]

Ok, so I'm starting to feel better since my break-up, even though I'm going through a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. Well, a couple nights ago, in a moment of weakness, I called my ex ( he didn't answer at that time), but then realized I should be practicing no contact, which seems to be harder than one might think, but anyway, he calls back and leaves a message asking if I wanna go to a movie, "just as friends". Why would he add that, who's he trying to convince, himself or me? When we broke up, he spent the week afterwards saying that, and repeating, unasked, the reasons why he had to leave, and saying we were just friends, and I don't know why he'd do that if I hadn't asked him, because I've accepted the breakup now, and am moving on, so just curious as to why he has to keep repeating this information over and over to me.