Been thru this before, but this time I found loveshack

[Grimlock]

OK, well here's my long winded story, I met a lovely lady about 7 months ago and at first was very standoffish, I have previously been thru 2 bad breakups and had finally gotten to the point where I was not going o get hurt again, infact I had decided the lady was just going to be a fling. But something about her kept me in contact with her, until after a month or so she just openly asked if i considered us together, I said yes and again it was great.

 

I live about 25 mins away from her and work nights over the weekend (I'm a DJ) and she worked days, which kinda put us in a bit of a spot on getting time together, she also has a lovely 8 y.o daughter that babysitters must be found when we wish to go out on a date and such, so time together was limited, but amazing.

 

After 3 months I was in a car crash and again it was harder to spend time together but we managed, it had it's moments her last relationship of 4 years was with a controling person that cheated on her several times (Actually instead of just cheating he had 2 girlfriends, because I knew his other girlfriend) and there was a trust issue that being a DJ in a club 3 nights a week odviously didn't help with, But I keep reassuring her I was "a good boy" when she would act a little upset over a girl I knew or talked to at work and she accepted that.

 

After 6 months I moved in with her and her daughter, and for the first 2 weeks it was great, I was happy, she was happy, her daughter accepted us together and we were starting to get serious, we had spoken about taking things further, like moving into another place that was "ours" not her's and even talked about marrage.

 

Then something happened, she started to become more distant, constantly tired, and wouldn't talk much, never cuddled me and rarely cuddled me in her sleep (Which is something I love). She said she was stressed and needed a bit of space, so I backed off (So I thought) and tried to just leave her to her own devices as much as I could, after a week and a half of this she still apears stressed and I ask what is wrong and again she says she needs space. I said I thought I was giving her space, and I was sorry. After a very up down weekend she finally says to me that she wants me to move out for a while, that she doesn't want to hurt me but needs some space and time with her head.

 

I became an emotional wreck, my last 2 relatioships ended this way, most likely because again I wasn't giving enough space and have only recently realised I am clingy. At which point she said she didn't want me to be a child.

 

So after I moved, I called her and asked if maybe she would talk to me, and if we were still together in her mind, and she said yes we were, and again she just needed some space.

 

At which point I said I would call her in a couple of days.

So instead of calling her I started texting her ALOT. BAD MOVE!

 

She started either sending abusive txts back or ignoring me.

So I called her and asked her to stop sending abusive txt, etc, and if she wanted me to not txt of call her to say so as I was still her boyfriend I didn't feel total contact was the answer. BAD MOVE!

 

We both managed to calm down, and I was only txting her twice a day, just to either see how she was or tell her I was thinking of her, again she considered this too much.

 

So I left it totally and took the advice of many I saw here, let her come to me, it was very hard for me, as I realised it was my clingyness that had caused this to happen in the first place and now my clingyness was distroying my relationship with the woman I love. I called her one more time and told her how I felt and asked if she still wanted to be with me then reasure me to give me the strength to get thru this for us, and if she didn't want to be with me to break it off now and let me start rebuilding from the mess I was turning into.

 

She said there was still an us, but inorder for us to carry on she needed space for now to find herself again.

 

So I left it at that, I didn't call or txt, it was very hard, and so many times I sat there stopping my self from dialing or pushing send. I just couldn't understand why if she didn't want to hurt me she was doing this to me, and if there was still an "us" why I couldn't talk to her, I feared there was someone else, or maybe the ex, or I was the backup plan, none of which makes sense when you know this girl, she is not one to pull punches, and I know deep down if she didn't have any feelings or didn't want us to be together she would straight out say so.

 

So the very next day after N/C she calls and asks when I am going to pick up the last box of my things from her house, as hard as it is, my heart is racing, I'm shaking and sweating, I calmly and as happily can say when ever it suits her, a time for that is arranged, and I say OK, talk to you when I talk to you and hang up.

 

Within 10 mins of that I get a txt saying if I don't mind can she please have the weekend to herself and her daughter and can I call her next week.

 

I haven't txt back yet, and I don't think I am going to If I do what should I say?

 

I could see myself messing with her space, and this may not seem like much but now just backing off a little and her calling me and txting me has made me find even more strength to do this, I really cannot wait to see her again. But I think I am doing the right thing.

 

I still get emotional about it, and have to step out of the situation, but I think if I continue in this way our relationship will survive and be stronger than ever.

 

So sometimes giving space does work, in the past I haven't done it right, but I am hopeful this time it will, and thanks to loveshack I was able to step back and she is the one contacting me!

 

Your guys thoughts on this?

[lovephreakout]

if she just got out of a dominating and unfaithful relationship... she will need some time to clear her head and think the situation over... plus she has a child to worry about and needs to make the best decisions for both her and her daughter.. maybe she wants to take things slow instead of jumping into another serious relationship... me and my BF were dating for over a year before we decided to move in with eachother and he also has a child...

 

love can be so complicated... try not to rush the whole thing and give her something to desire and lust for... tell her you will always be there.. maybe you can start dating allover again with her? take her out to dinner? or just show her a good time out? i think she needs to know she can stand on her own two feet and the person she is going to be with can do the same

 

thats my 2 cents

[tanbark813]

You sound like you're letting her call all the shots. You may want to think about what it is you want, can handle, etc.. and let her know and then decide if she's the one that can fulfill all of that. And yeah, cut down on the text messages. In fact, you might want to ignore her contact for a while and make her start wondering what's up with you. Make her enter your reality, not the other way around (which is all it has been up until now).

 

Also, I hate to insert more doubt and jump to conclusions early, but if you read through a lot of posts on here 9 times out of 10 when a girl wants space it means she's test driving some other guy. Maybe she's not but you might want to keep your eyes open for that sort of thing.

[Grimlock]

I'm pretty sure she knows I will always be there, as we all know it's imposible to just turn off those feelings, and I can hear her voice breaking when she has talked to me on the phone. Which i don't really understand, if she is finding this just as hard as I am, why does it have to happen.

 

I have been totally letting her call the shots, I like what you say about letting her enter my reality, I am doing my best, trying to carry on, I mean she hasn't actually broken up with me, and I am positive that if she was considering it, then she would do it. she is not the sort of person to wander around such things.

 

I tried to put a timelimit on things so to speak, I said to her I would call her on friday just to see how she was doing, to which she replied she would just call me when she was ready, as much as i hated it, I accepted it, not really much else I could do, The hardest part for me is not knowing when this will all end. I am totally not sure how long is a reasonable period of time before she will have started to sort things in her head.

 

I'm starting to prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best.

[kitkat826]

I'm starting to prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best.

 

My advice..prepare yourself in terms of the relationship for the worst..and prepare yourself in terms of YOURSELF for the best. You can never fully trust or understand another person, but you can learn to trust yourself. With that confidence, she can do whatever the hell she pleases, take her "space", never call you again, etc., and you will be able to recover much quicker without the stress and bad feelings you are experiencing now. A lofty ideal, I know, but its one worth working for.

[Jayhawks]

The longer you are apart the less likely she will see a need for you in her life. Space is a way of ending the relationship slowly so you each can get used to the idea of being without each other. I'm sorry but I would get used to hearing from her less and less. I don't think your presence caused this but she either got scared or decided it was not what she wanted. But she cares about you and it is for her that she is doing this. As much as you want to be with her the street has to go both ways and I don't see that happening.

Maybe I'm wrong and she will decide she can't live without you but I really don't think so.

 

Sorry.