Layla Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Hi My boyfriend is currently on a business trip and just told me he was going for a quick coffee with his ex. She's married with a child but it still makes me furious! Why are we so touchy when it's about our partner's exes? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Because they shared something with the ex that they will never share with us, and that 'something' is what we fear they will want to go back to. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 I like my BF's EX... AND sad but true, I'm pretty sure she likes me more than she ever liked him... Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Good question. Some would say that this is fallout from previous relationships and others would say that it is something that harks back to when we dwelt in caves and depended on men for food and protection. Still others would say that it is our own insecurities that cause this. Maybe it's a combination of all of these? I don't think I have ever met anyone who didn't struggle a little with this sort of thing at one time or another, depending on the situation. The most confident individuals I have know have still had some issues on the subject and sometimes the people who I thought would have the least problem with it, ended up having the most. In my experience, it has depended on the situation and the vibes, feelings or whatever you want to call it, that I get from my SO on the subject. Sometimes, I had no concern whatsoever and other times, it has driven me completely crazy (see "Is he still in love with his ex after a decade." It qualifies in the completely crazy category.) What are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Hi My boyfriend is currently on a business trip and just told me he was going for a quick coffee with his ex. She's married with a child but it still makes me furious! Why are we so touchy when it's about our partner's exes? Because they shared something with the ex that they will never share with us, and that 'something' is what we fear they will want to go back to. yeah my last x was my friend's x. yeah i dated my friends x-gf and from time to time i was concerned about it and i am pretty confident too. LB is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Because to the extent that they maintain contact in the present trips fears that (1) they do not know how to establish borders between past and present and (2) affirmative contact with an ex indicates some emotional involvement, which we suspect may be greater than mere friends. In principle, I cannot see any reason, other than children, for someone to have contact with their ex -- perhaps the odd coffee once a decade or an email every now and again -- anything more, you start thinking they should be dating the ex, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Cecelius, I couldn't agree with you more. You make an excellent point on the boundaries issue as well. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Why are we so touchy when it's about our partner's exes? resurrection of the 'dead' ? Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 I agree with Cecelius. This is where the "vibes" I was talking about earlier come in. The tone of voice, body language, general attitude etc. all contribute to that "gut feeling" that something isn't quite right. I have also noticed that the boundaries are different for different exes which is where attitude etc. comes in again and makes us see red--flags, that is. The difference in attitude etc. from my guy wrt his previous (to me) 6 year relationship and to his marriage of a decade ago is night and day. It causes me plenty of discomfort, especially since he refuses to see it and address it. He has no respect for the person he was with for 6 years and has tossed everything connected with her. But he still worships his ex-wife and is hanging on to as much as possible that is linked to her. When I tell him he needs to get past her, he claims I am asking him to deny her and that he was ever married to her. Doesn't seem right to me but you know, I've been wrong before, lol! Do you think it makes a difference if they were the dumper or the dumpee? Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Its also called jealousy and insecurity.. Plus there is that knowledge that they had a possibly stronger relationship with each other especially if you haven't been with your new partner long. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I like my BF's EX... AND sad but true, I'm pretty sure she likes me more than she ever liked him... sorry, but that sounds sooooo fresh!!! Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 \ In principle, I cannot see any reason, other than children, for someone to have contact with their ex -- perhaps the odd coffee once a decade or an email every now and again -- anything more, you start thinking they should be dating the ex, not you. often times... i agree with your posts. this time, i can not. when you share a relationship with someone, you cannot help but develop some sort of friendship with them where you (unless you or they are an a-hole) have some sort of bond with them. that means you care for them. caring goes a long way... when the sex stops... when the caressing stops... when the "loving" stops... there may still be "love". i keep in touch with exes because we share caring. it does not mean that we are not over each other. it is because we are human and humans respect the bonds that we created. if it is uncomfortable for the new person, i admit that i have to respect that. ties may have to go on the back burner. but i do not cut off ties merely because we do not see eye to eye anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
FataMorgana Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 i keep in touch with exes because we share caring. it does not mean that we are not over each other. it is because we are human and humans respect the bonds that we created. ... so much agree. I keep in touch with all my ex-s except one. I went to all their weddings ... and also get on really well with their now wifes. I find that one way to avoid the "pain" or feeling of unconfortableness with their current partner is to make sure they are there as well everytime I catch up with my ex, don't have any hidden communication or catch ups, that way all is out in the open, pretty clear it's just friendship and nothing else. And I don't feel unconfortable when my partner is seeing ex-s, they are here sharing they life with me now, if they wanted to be with thier ex-s they wouldn't be with me would they? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 sorry, but that sounds sooooo fresh!!! I do like my BF's EXW Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Not necessarily, FataMorgana. It's possible that the ex doesn't want them back. In which case, of course, they aren't exactly a threat, are they? Unless they choose to be. I recall once observing an ex torture (because that's what it was) the roommate of a guy that I was seeing. It was pretty sad and it had been going on for years. He wasn't over her and she came around just often enough that it kept him from moving on with a new relationship. I don't blame her entirely--he let her do this. However, I do believe that most of us would rather that our SO's were with us because they wanted to be with us and not by default or for convenience. It is hurtful for someone to behave like Scarlett O'Hara and be so busy yearning after an Ashley Wilkes that they are blind to their Rhett Butler. I don't consider myself a cold person, but I have only a passing interest in former SO's. I have a couple that I consider good friends, but I don't pursue the thing. When we meet, we catch up and that's nice. I would not do anything to make their spouses uncomfortable nor would I insist on seeing them often if I knew it made my SO uncomfortable. I'd like the same courtesy from my SO. The discomfort doesn't always arise from insecurity, jealousy or selfishness. Yes, there are those who are afraid to allow their SO to go to work or to pick up coffee at the drive through. But for most of us, it's not an issue until there is that something--some signal--that we pick up that puts us on alert. At that point, it is the sensation of being vulnerable that makes us uncomfortable. Why are we afraid of deception? Why do we object to being lied to? Because we base our decisions on what we believe to be true. A decision based on a half-truth or and out and out lie is not likely to be the best one. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I frankly have a differnent philosophy on who I have loved, and what is left over. People I have been involved with were in some sense friends, but not friends + love and sex. They were a different kind of friend than someone I have coffee with. I can care about them in some general sense without needing or wanting to have them presently involved in my life -- just as I do not care to be involved with people who have a large contingent of quasi-friends/quasi-lovers (because it appears to me that their emotional make-up is such that the difference between friend and boyfriend is very, very small). My interest in remaining friends with former romantic partners back in the day was usually when I was an adolecent who needed some type of continuing tie to them to prop up my ego, and to keep the past alive. I assume that people with a lot of close exes are basically the same way. Since I can thrive in life without anyone anyway, I don't need or want splints like that now, nor do I want to be involved with someone who does. A lot of this also primarily applies to young people, who have trouble drawing boundries anyway. Much of this becomes less of an issue with more mature people. Lastly, some things about romance and love suck: one of those may be that if the relationship goes sour, that person isn't in your life anymore, perhaps simply because, like a job that doesn't work out, etc., some things are best left in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Amen, Brother Cecelius! What is it that makes people hang on? And I don't mean casual interest. Why would you want to do this? Once I was past the initial shock of realizing that this just wasn't going to work, whether I liked it or not, my focus turned to putting it in the past, leaving it alone and moving on. To hang on to what was not real seems to be defeating the purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Kengne Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I guess I'm not alone here... but I still talk to some of my ex-es, and so does my new guy. And this does not bother one bit. My rationale as to why I still talk to SOME of my ex's is similar to others... I'm human, and there was a bond created between those individuals and myself. Just because we are no longer together does not mean we can no longer be friends. But I do understand how this could make the ex's SO uncomfortable, depending on HOW the rel'ship dissolved. For example, one of my ex's has recently re-entered my life and his new SO (who was a friend of my sister's) is NOT cool with the idea of us talking, AT ALL. I think her insecurity stems from the fact that I broke off things with my ex, who was in love with me and did not want the rel'ship to end. I KNOW NOW THAT HE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME... but I guess no amount of reassurances from him to her will make her feel comfortable about our friendship. Maybe I'm selfish... but in my mind -I knew him first!! - we were friends loooooooong before we dated, and she came in the picture. I honestly don't see anything wrong with maintaining contact with ex-s .. FOR THE MOST PART. My new guy has expressed discomfort with my friendship with one of my ex's - the most recent ex - merely because of how our rel'ship ended. I understand his discomfort, because I would be uncomfortable too if the situation was reversed - but I try to convey to him as clearly as possible how I feel about him. And at the end of the day, he needs to have faith and trust in OUR rel'ship. I don't think I could be with him if he demanded or insisted I cease contact will all my ex's - that's very controlling, and I would be resentful. K. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 This is where most guys make their mistake. I see it as an issue of principle -- there is a line somewhere (case by case) where a person is just too clearly involved in their exes life, and that means, to me, that they may be a collector of ego boosters. There is no reason on the planet to be hanging with some guy/gal who used to bang you. If there is, then it is primarily remaining emotional involvement and starting a new relationship doesn't make sense. I do not see it, nor do I position it, as insecurity or discomfort, nor does it make sense to be controling -- if your prospective (or existing SO) needs to hang out with an ex or email like they were pals, it might make sense simply to excuse yourself from the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I do like my BF's EXW i was just playing... actually, it was me just reading your message with a dirty mind... don't mind me, sometimes i revert to caveman-like behavior... Link to post Share on other sites
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