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Girlfriend moving in with a close "friend"


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I never thought it would come to this, but very soon my girlfriend is moving in with one of her close friends. It came to this because they are both going to school in downtown (different schools but within 15 mins of each other) She tells me that financially this is better than living in an apartment by herself, which is fair. Now, this might not seem like a big problem, except that her close friend is a guy, and a guy that I never really liked. To add to that, he claims that he is bisexual but my girlfriend tells me he is gay. They go back a long way and were friends long before I had the chance to date her. Maybe you can call me a protective and oversensitive boyfriend, but I always had the suspicion that her friend is really straight, unlike what he claims himself to be. I also think that there are people like him in the world who disguise themselves as gay or bisexual so that they can get close to the girls they like. It looks as though they will be living together for at least the next 6 months, and there's seriously not much I can say or do about it. Right now all I want to do is try to understand what this all means and if it spells disaster for me.

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Maybe you can call me a protective and oversensitive boyfriend,

 

You need to trust your GF and relax and not create any noise about this guy to your GF.

 

People get opposite Roommates all the time and they are just that.. Roommates..

 

If you get jealous and show you GF any of the wrong emotions you will do your relationship harm that you most likely won't recover from..

 

Just relax and take the lead of your GF.. If she starts to act freaky about him then you have an issue but most likely not

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BS, total, absolute BS. The fact that your g/f doesn't have a SINGLE female friend that she could move in with is the red flag (perhaps its a new city and she lacks friends, but she could advertise for a roommate, get one from school, etc.)

 

Only you know whether this guy really is gay or not, but women will often refer to someone that way in the same way they call someone a "friend". You do not want to be singing Biz Markie over this... I simply wouldn't date a girl who felt comfortable in that environment -- no matter how trustworthy she is, if this dude has ANY designs (or develops any, or simply wants to get somewhere on an otherwise dull Friday night) on her at all, all that needs to happen is a few drinks, etc. You going to insist her house be booze free? That's insane too.

 

And ultimately, it isn't that much comfort that you believe she will turn him down/shut down his advances if they happen. In the end, she has still moved in with a guy who may put moves on her. That is flirting with disaster.

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express your unhappiness, then stop communicating with her (keep it civil, but never initiate contact) mention other girls you like.

 

maybe she'll exit that roomy situation....great.

if not, dump her.

 

horny men/women can't live together w/out something happening.

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If you do not trust her enough now to let her do what she thinks is right then why are you in a relationship with her?

 

It should not matter if her roomate is gay/bi/ or a unic.

 

Relationships are about trust. If you do not trust her - get out of the relationship.

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Most of the time I do trust her, because she comes across as someone who doesn't like to hide the truth- even at the expense of bringing up problems between us. However, there are those times when she doesn't lie to me but instead doesn't even tell me about important issues at all. (She says she wants to protect me from people who dont say good things about me) It's not her that I dont trust mainly, it's her friend. The thought of her gay friend changing her feelings about me and turning them against me was never new to me. I feel that I used to love her (or at least be obsessed with her) alot more than I do now, is that normal? Was it because the relationship was such a novelty to me before? From time to time we get into arguments or fights because our opinnions and personalities clash a little, but in the end we always end up talking again. How do you know if a relationship is still worth holding onto? Sometimes it bothers me to think that maybe she is holding onto me until she finds a guy that she is crazy about, but I don't know for sure, because her mood can fluctuate so much from day to day.. from not even calling me up to getting mad at me for not being able to make time to see her on a particular day. On a few occasions before I've almost let go of the relationship, but strangely it always feels like there is some mysterious force that bounds us together.. I cannot explain it and I cannot justify it either. What is a guy like me to think?

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I think you are over-thinking it too much and putting too much of your emotions into her control.

 

A woman you can trust would avoid a shady situation. This is a shady situation. You already, in my opinion, have to trust her less because something ALREADY has happened: she's moving in with another guy. This is not a sit. com -- every girl on the planet, EVEN the trustworthy ones, rolls out with the "gay" qualifier. It's meaningless unless its true (and the dude disputes it).

 

A girl who waves her hand in front of the lion going "tee hee, but he's gay..." -- that's not a situation you want to be in. So I say wrap up your heart, back burner her and have a chat about things being different now, etc., and see what happens.

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express your unhappiness, then stop communicating with her (keep it civil, but never initiate contact) mention other girls you like.

 

maybe she'll exit that roomy situation....great.

if not, dump her.

 

horny men/women can't live together w/out something happening.

 

bull crap. i have lived with several attractive women and my horns are full on out. some people are just friends. and sleeping with a roomate is bad news so you stay away. some people don't like to sh*t where they eat...

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BS, total, absolute BS. The fact that your g/f doesn't have a SINGLE female friend that she could move in with is the red flag (perhaps its a new city and she lacks friends, but she could advertise for a roommate, get one from school, etc.)

 

and live with somebody that she doesn't even know. that is flirting with disaster.

 

I simply wouldn't date a girl who felt comfortable in that environment -- no matter how trustworthy she is, if this dude has ANY designs (or develops any, or simply wants to get somewhere on an otherwise dull Friday night) on her at all, all that needs to happen is a few drinks, etc. You going to insist her house be booze free? That's insane too.

 

are you assuming that everyone completely loses control after drinking?

 

 

And ultimately, it isn't that much comfort that you believe she will turn him down/shut down his advances if they happen. In the end, she has still moved in with a guy who may put moves on her. That is flirting with disaster.

 

i agree with you to some degree on this point. there is always a risk that a man will come on to her. and in this situation, even if you do trust her, you may always wonder if the guy will try something, or even try to over power her. but what can you do? the most you can do is be honest with her and tell her you are uncomfortable with the situation and see how she takes it. the thing i would think about though is even if she is trustworthy, i how comfortable you are with her walking around half naked, and when she comes out of the shower all wet and glistening. it can mess with your mind, even if he is gay...

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how comfortable you are with her walking around half naked, and when she comes out of the shower all wet and glistening. it can mess with your mind, even if he is gay...

 

To tell you the truth, I've had nightmares about that happening with this gay friend of hers. Uncomfortable as I am with the situation, I don't know if I should express my feelings about it. I don't want to come across as controlling her life or making her feel that I don't trust her. She said once she gets her place she'll get me a key so I could drop by anytime... but even then... there's nothing worse than potentially walking into an apartment with my girlfriend and a gay guy making out...

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To tell you the truth, I've had nightmares about that happening with this gay friend of hers. Uncomfortable as I am with the situation, I don't know if I should express my feelings about it. I don't want to come across as controlling her life or making her feel that I don't trust her. She said once she gets her place she'll get me a key so I could drop by anytime... but even then... there's nothing worse than potentially walking into an apartment with my girlfriend and a gay guy making out...

 

it is not controlling. it is communicating. you don't have to say i forbid you to move in. you just express that you are a little uncomfortable with the situation. it doesn't mean she is going to change her mind, but maybe just expressing yourself and discussing it will ease your mind a little. i would bet that a big part of your stress is that you have not expressed yourself to her...

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I would strongly suggest that you not tell her/forbid her or be controlling in any manner - because she will take it as a challenge.

 

I strongly suggest that you not confide in her in a weak way about your feelings or ask her not to - because you will get a consoling kiss on the head and a "don't you trust me."

 

I strongly suggest that you calmly tell her that you think it is not appropriate and that it is a complexity that no one really needs. No threats, no promises and NO DRAMA. You evaluate whether you can live it, and if you can't, then when she does whatever she wants to (as is her right), you dump her.

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bull crap. i have lived with several attractive women and my horns are full on out. some people are just friends. and sleeping with a roomate is bad news so you stay away. some people don't like to sh*t where they eat...

 

This OP should not evaluate the appropriateness of his g/f's actions by evaluating what some other guy may or may not be like.

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I have 3 guy roommates, and not one single thing has happened between me and them in the 9 months I've lived with them... and I've been single the whole time. One roomie has tried to convince me that we should date and another one is really pretty cute, but yeah, not ever gonna happen while we live together. Anyway, my point is that it doesn't matter what the guy is after, if your gf has a good head on her shoulders, then nothing is going to happen. Of course, if you don't think she does...

 

If a guy told me who I could and couldn't live with, I would dump him. On the other hand, if a guy told me he wasn't comfortable with it and was afraid it would get in the way of our relationship, but he still gave me the choice, I might be willing to compromise. I think you should talk to her about it, and if she just gives you the ' but he's gay', 'don't you trust me' bit without offering to do something to make you feel better about the whole situation, you should consider whether you want to be with her.

 

Of course, if after you've talked to her (without making demands of her) and taken some time to consider it, you still don't feel comfortable with her living with the guy, you should probably split up, because it will slowly destroy your relationship.

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One roomie has tried to convince me that we should date and another one is really pretty cute, but yeah, not ever gonna happen while we live together.

 

Speaks for itself. OP, whose fault will it be if this guy tries something?

 

If a guy told me who I could and couldn't live with, I would dump him. On the other hand, if a guy told me he wasn't comfortable with it and was afraid it would get in the way of our relationship, but he still gave me the choice, I might be willing to compromise. I think you should talk to her about it, and if she just gives you the ' but he's gay', 'don't you trust me' bit without offering to do something to make you feel better about the whole situation, you should consider whether you want to be with her.

 

OP, it's not about your feelings. It's about what you define as proper or not. If this strikes you as not proper, there is no sense getting into a discussion of being "uncomfortable" -- what can she do to remedy a situation that is shady, that she got into? I agree you cannot tell her what to do, and you should in fact approach it with no care about it in the end anyway. Just express that you find it shady, you're not sure where it takes you as far as the relationship is concerned, and when she moves in with him (which she will), just dump her.

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Last night I went out with my friends and was out until 4 in the morning. I told my girlfriend that I probably won't see my friends for 6 months to a year because they are going to be elsewhere in the country. Anyways, we talked on the phone in the morning and I was completely honest with her that I came home at around 4 last night (what did I have to hide after all?). I think not long after she heard the message, she hung up on me and didn't say a word at all. I called her back but she told me it was not her doing, although she appeared to be extremely irritated at the time. She asked me for the time and I told her I had no watch on me- silence. She hung up on me again. We were supposed to see each other tonight (it was her who wanted to get together), but she came home at midnight telling me that she saw that future roomie (gay pal) of hers instead cuz he dropped by after work. Fine, I don't really cared that he dropped by, but she did not even call to cancel for tonight. When I questioned her, she told me that it was not firm anyways (it WAS), and that she needs a break from me right now because she isn't happy with me, and said that she'll break up with me if she doesn't get this break. WOW what happened here? I am almost beginning to think that I am not even a part of her life, and that she is turning the situation around and putting unjustified blame on me. I asked her to talk about why she hung up on me this morning and she threatened to not talk to me if I were to ask her such questions because she is unhappy with me. I was so outraged that I signed off MSN and just stopped talking to her. Right now I just want to vent ,I feel like complete dirt and I don't believe that I should continue with this relationship... Somebody stop me if you think that I am doing something wrong..

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I don't know what this means, but all day today I was sad realizing that it won't ever work out- until I came across an article that talked about depression, which my girlfriend is currently going through right now. Part of me thinks that it's all just an excuse and if she loves me then she wouldn't treat me like that. However, the other part of me says that she is going through alot right now because she is in a depression and trying to get off her anti-depressants. I thought about it over and over, and I believe that I should be there for her through a time like this.. even though her unstable emotions are really taking a toll on the relationship. She started taking her anti-depressants a few months ago but stopped last week. I've read that those pills do not fully come into effect until maybe 3 months later, which means that she had never experienced the full effects of the pills and now decided to stop taking them altogether.. and suffering from withdrawal too. I seriously want to be there for her, but I think I need some help with how to deal with someone who is greatly depressed. I would really appreciate it if anyone has any advice for me.

 

Thanks

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AmberAriesMom

Remember that old TV show, Three's Company? Opposite sexes live together all the time. However, in your case this guy living with your gf bothers you so that should make her not want to do it! But she should make this decision on her own because she cares how you feel in general. If she doesn't, then dump her.

 

More personally, I don't agree with opposite sex roommates unless they are in a romantic relationship.

 

Even more personally, my niece dated a guy who was living with an older woman who had the hots for him. This older woman also talked smak about my niece all the time in an effort to break them up. Niece heard this from the old woman directly, from others and bf never missed an opportunity to tell niece what the old woman was saying if she didn't hear it from someone else first. He claimed he didn't want niece to think he was hiding anything so he told her first. My niece was ticked off about this and told her bf she didn't like him being all friendly with someone and living with a person who talked smak about her who also had the hots for him. Bf said, not to worry....he didn't listen to the old woman....he just liked the cheap rent as the old woman didn't even ask for half....all she asked for in return for less than half was him being her friend. He told my niece that he could handle female jealousy from both of them and niece should know that he loved her and wouldn't let the old woman cause a problem between them. Niece didn't want to act like a jealous woman because she didn't have anything to be jealous of with this woman. She was just pizzed off that he lived with a person who talked smak about her all the time and essentially put his desire for cheap rent ahead of her feelings. He finally moved out because it had become such a problem. Niece didn't ask him to directly, but left it up to him to decide. He then claimed he did it because she 'asked' him to and he wanted to do what she wanted. Then he used it as leverage to prove his love.

 

The moral of the above story is that a person shouldn't just do things to make the other one happy when 'pushed' into it. This jerk should have moved out because HE wanted to because HE saw it was a bad situation for the one he supposedly loved. But if you believe him, he just didn't see a problem with it. So if your gf doesn't see a problem with it then she is, like I think this jerk was, insensitive to your feelings and you should dump her because it's a pretty good indicator that she will stomp on your feelings in other ways later on.

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RecordProducer
You need to trust your GF and relax and not create any noise about this guy to your GF.

People get opposite Roommates all the time and they are just that.. Roommates..

If you get jealous and show you GF any of the wrong emotions you will do your relationship harm that you most likely won't recover from..

Just relax and take the lead of your GF.. If she starts to act freaky about him then you have an issue but most likely not

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

No one would claim to be bisexual or gay if they are straight! But your problem has nothing to do with his sexual preferences. If your GF is not interested in him then he can't do anything with her. The fact that you don't like him shouldn't prevent her from being his friend.

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Speaks for itself. OP, whose fault will it be if this guy tries something?

 

Celeius, you act like a girl doesn't have a mind of her own enough to turn a guy down if he 'tries something'. I'll grant you that a girl might not be able to fend a guy off that well if he tries to rape her, but a guy doesn't have to live with a girl to do that. And this guy's had years to do it. Getting a girl to move in with you after years of knowing her just to rape her seems like an involved and stupid plan.

 

Who cares if a guy tries something and gets shot down... It's not about the guy, it's about the girl and whether she's responsible, sensible, and committed to her relationship.

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I don't know what this means, but all day today I was sad realizing that it won't ever work out- until I came across an article that talked about depression, which my girlfriend is currently going through right now. Part of me thinks that it's all just an excuse and if she loves me then she wouldn't treat me like that. However, the other part of me says that she is going through alot right now because she is in a depression and trying to get off her anti-depressants. I thought about it over and over, and I believe that I should be there for her through a time like this.. even though her unstable emotions are really taking a toll on the relationship. She started taking her anti-depressants a few months ago but stopped last week. I've read that those pills do not fully come into effect until maybe 3 months later, which means that she had never experienced the full effects of the pills and now decided to stop taking them altogether.. and suffering from withdrawal too. I seriously want to be there for her, but I think I need some help with how to deal with someone who is greatly depressed. I would really appreciate it if anyone has any advice for me.

 

Thanks

 

I don't know how much advice I can give you about how to deal with a depressed person. Every person is different and mental disorders are complicated. Generally, the best thing to do is to not get yourself too involved with someone who has those problems. People with depression and mental disorders have to heal themselves and usually do very badly in relationships until they have. But maybe you can find some resources on the internet about how to deal with it if you want to say with her. Also, I don't think depression is a valid excuse to let her treat you badly. You have to think of yourself and your own happiness. I think you'd help her most and save yourself a lot of turmoil and drama by just being her friend.

 

Also, the fact that she's got these issues makes me think that living with a roommate of the opposite sex who says he's interested in girls might not be a good idea for her. It sounds like she could be quite volnerable at times due to her depression, and he could potentially take advantage of that.

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