How do you get to the root of your arguing with someone you love dearly?

[Guinevere04]

We have been together for a year and have always sort of had a little tension between us because I am very laid back and unconfrontational. He can get in an uproar in 2 seconds then be fine and apologetic. I was actually attracted to the lion in him initially because he sat my ex-husband straight, kicked ass and took names.

 

He and I are both under pressure for personal things in our own lives and I know it makes us both a bit illish acting. ie: I am being sued by my ex-step-child's mother for $200,000 for a wreck 2 years ago that wasn't my fault, he and I are both in custody battles with our exes, his mother has cancer, I am on the verge on bankruptcy, we both dispise our jobs and the small town we live in....just seems like everything is against us. But we do have each other but we get into arguments about the smallest things.

 

He and I are both very worried because we feel like our relationship is growing distant. I adore him and he has been so good to me. I know that he loves me too but he has a terrible habit of picking too much. I am oversensitive and my feelings get hurt easily. He can just have a tone sometimes with me and it hurts my feelings, maybe because my nerves are already shot about everything else going on. I just feel like he and my son are the only two bright spots I have.

 

All I know is that I don't want to lose him and I know he feels the same way. We just want to fix it and we don't really know what the problem is. I want a future with him but we have got to stop arguing over small, petty things.

 

One thing I have noticed is that we hardly ever argue in person, only on the phone. When we are together 9 times out of 10, things are fine.

 

I just want to resolve this because he means too much to me to lose.

 

Anyone?

[Outcast]

Have you talked to him about it? Stress will definitely make people more snappish and irritable so you both need to acknowledge that you may say things which you don't mean because of the circumstances and try to work together to deal with the stresses on you both. You need to try to approach this as a team working together to improve things.

[Guinevere04]

We have definitely talked about stress being the cause for the majoirty of our arguments. Things should be calming down within the next several months, after all these different court things are finished. I just don't like feeling like we are damaging each other's spirits over things that aren't the others faults, I feel like we should be lifting each other up during this time.

 

I know the thing that bugs me the most is he constantly picks on me about cheating on him. He says he is kidding but that is not something he would mention every single day if he was just picking. So it makes me question how trustworthy he thinks I am. I have enough on me right now without having to worry about our relationship too, if it isn't going well.

[RecordProducer]

I am sorry you're going through all this. You're right that the stressful circumstances might create tension between the two of you. Perhaps you could see a counsellor and think about resolving your problems with the help of a third party?

 

I think you need to agree not to argue and you should learn to tolerate his objections and not take them too personally. Regarding the cheating, he may be the one who's cheating if he doesn't trust you. You should let him know that you won't tolerate his accusations any longer and that if he doesn't trust you or cheats himself, you will end up the relationship.

 

Now generally the "you're my only bright spot and I don't want to lose you" kind of attitude is not appreciated by men. He allows himself treat you badly because he believes that you wouldn't dump him no matter what. he may not get that impression. he should know that he will only be with you if he deserves your love with good behavior.

 

Every time he starts to argue, stop talking to him, leave or ask him to leave. Things can be resolved in friendly conversations, arguments are not necessary on a regular basis. We argue when we are bitter at our partner for big reasons, not because somebody pissed us off at work. He must know that when he treats you badly, he loses you. The stress going on in your lives should not be an excuse for unacceptable behavior. The more you let him attack you the more he will attack you. If you show self-respect and insist on lady-like treatment, he will treat you like a lady - with respect.

[Guinevere04]

RecordProducer - I think he knows that I am not afraid to dump him becasue I have before. I just can't stay away from him long and he knows that too. He got mad at me about my exhusband dating my sister's friend. Big mess. But it wasn't my fault and I only told my sister about it because her friend had lied to her, not b/c I care who my ex sees. He is so afraid I will get back with my ex and it drives me nuts. I can't stand him and everything he has put me and our child through. I'd chew my leg off before I'd get back together with him.

 

That is just an example of his negativity. Whenever I say something sweet, he will say, "oh I'm sure you do". Like I am lying about how I feel about him. It just gets old. I know he loves me because he shows me in so many ways and he is so kind to me but the negativity almost always starts an argument.

 

Thanks for your comments, I will keep them in mind.