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How do I deal with the person dating other people when doing online dating?


jgs78

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OK while I realize that certain things come with the territory, my biggest problem with internet dating is that I have guys drop me for a girl that they think is "better" in their minds. I'm not clingy, I don't demand that the guy calls me every waking moment and I DEFINITELY am not desperate because I have a lot of things going on in my life to keep busy. But I keep running into the same scenario each time! I start dating a guy, then a month or so into it, he loses interest, gets too busy and then I find out that he was dating some other girl at the time and liked her better. I don't get this, I understand that timing is everything but I seriously must just keep hitting rough patches.

 

I understand that it takes time before you can determine whether or not you want to date someone exlusively. BUT it is really a blow to the ego when I am constantly worried that I am not good enough and that someone more interesting, attractive, funny, etc is going to blow the guy away and then another guy bites the dust.

 

Does anyone have any advice of how to be comfortable with the fact that the person you are dating and like is dating other people and that there is the possibility that they can find someone else that they think is better than you?

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Does anyone have any advice of how to be comfortable with the fact that the person you are dating and like is dating other people and that there is the possibility that they can find someone else that they think is better than you?

I doubt it, because if you look at it like that - i.e. always wondering about HIS opinion of you, rather than yours of him - you'll be worrying about rejection over which you have no control. NO ONE will be comfortable with that. You're giving away power over your feelings to a relative stranger,.

 

Instead, why not just play the field in the same way? No need to get overly involved with each guy - just enough so you have a few irons in the fire at any one time and can move on easily.

 

My two cents.

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Thanks for that. I know the only way to not get paranoid is to do the same thing. But it's kind of hard when you don't have any other prospects in the line-up, so-to-speak. I would date other people if there were other people to date but since there aren't any, I only have the choice of dating one person. I guess I just have to absorb myself with other things instead. I hate this though, it's like waiting to see what decision he is going to make. ah well, c'est la vie, I suppose.

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I doubt that there are no other people to date. You may just be a little narrow in your preferences. I mean if you've dated several internet guys sequentially, it's obviously possible to do it in parallel too.

 

Every guy doesn't have to be 'the one' on paper. If you have a prime candidate great. Date him and also date other guys who may not at first, look like as good a prospect. Who knows, you may find your bench warmers have an all-star too once you get to know them.

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There are NO other people to date? How awful! Are you in some remote mountainous area? A compound of some sort? Prison?

 

Otherwise - I suspect there are other people out there.

 

You've already answered your own question though. Immersing yourself in other things is a great way to build your self-esteem (which it sounds like you are desperately in need of) as well as meet new folks.

 

As to "better than you" that's crap. Sorry hon, but there's always someone prettier, thinner, chestier, whatever - than each of us. But to let that cripple you is a waste of valuable time. Have you ever seen those women - they are about 40 lbs overweight - not too terribly attractive through the face - that are dressed to the nines and swinging those big hips to knock over children and small animals? Flirty hair tosses, great smiles - they think they're all that. And you know what? They get noticed. They are correct in their assessments - they are all that.

 

Why? Because they say so, dammit!

 

Attitude is the sexiest thing you can sport. Top that with some nice clotehs, accessories, nail polish, a perfume that you find alluring - buy some cute panties and matching bra - head to toe, inside and out, treat yourself like you are the sexiest you available.

 

If you have to fake confidence at first, go ahead. It'll come.

 

But I don't read much about the guy - I read a lot in your post about you and your insecurities. Ditch those - the rest will fall into place a whole lot easier.

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Originally posted by jgs78

Does anyone have any advice of how to be comfortable with the fact that the person you are dating and like is dating other people and that there is the possibility that they can find someone else that they think is better than you?

Personally i don't think there is much you can do about this except try to keep it out of your mind. For the rest of your natural life there will be the possibility that your lover will leave you for someone they think is "better".

 

Basically thinking about this krap is like dwelling on being killed in a car accident and trying to drive at the same time. The possiblity always exists but you'll go nuts if you dwell on it.

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Hey thanks for everyone's responses. I think I just feel it is ten times worse because I am doing online dating versus meeting guys through friends, work, activities, etc. I think that because you don't know anything about the person before you meet and then there is the usual email banter back and forth, it makes the whole process more impersonal and almost like an interviewing process for a job. Online dating gives you another avenue to meet people that you wouldn't ordinarily meet but I think it also has a tendency to make you more wary and more untrusting because you know there are hundreds of other people on the website looking for the guy you are dating.

 

The guy I am currently dating right now is a total opposite of me. I am very personable and talkative but shut up at the right times, of course :p. He's more reserved, let's out a little bit of information at a time. I guess I just feel that maybe I am too aggressive or something. I mean obviously he is intrigued by me or he wouldn't have wanted to go on 2 dates with me in 1 week. But this is where things started to dwindle and why I think he is seeing someone else or losing interest. After the 2nd date, I wrote him telling him that I had a good time (because he was so damn quiet, I didn't really know if he had had a good time or not). He writes me back and then we go back and forth writing emails to each other until mid-week. He writes me in the morning and tells me the rest of his plans for the week and the weekend. I write him and don't hear from him. Then I write him on Friday (yes I know that was stupid but whatever, I feel that if you want to see someone, you should tell them, no?) and see if he wants to grab a drink before he goes home and then I tell him that the emailing back and forth has started to get a bit impersonal and that we should talk.

 

WEEEELLLL I don't hear from him until Tuesday. I know that is NOT a lot of time to pass by. BUT why the sudden drop in the consistency of emails???? Anyway his email was pretty straightforward and then telling me congrats on my decision to go back to get my masters and that he hopes I am having a good day. I wait a day write him back because I get the feeling that his waiting to write me on Tuesday is either that he wants to slow down, has met someone else and is not as interested in me anymore. ANYWAY I write him back, not saying too much, but not too little, enough to keep him intrigued. I explain how busy I've been and that I would like to see him and to let me know if he wants to get together and do something.

 

OK haven't heard back from him. Does anyone think that it would be psycho of me to give him a call on Sunday just to say "hi"? Or do I need to just wait and let him take the next steps? If he is dating someone else then wouldn't it be wise for me to TRY and stay in the game or would I be blowing it and coming across and being too much??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Especially from AlphaMale since I've read a lot of your posts before and you always seem to tell it like it is. :)

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  • 1 month later...

I think you have a legitimate question, and I don't think it has anything to do with your personal insecurities being any worse than the next persons. I'm of the opinion that online dating breeds a bit of insecurity. As you said, if you'd met a guy through work or a friend or something, its totally different than this super market mentality the pervades in online dating.

 

Literally, online dating is where people go to "shop" for love, sex, or whatever it is that they are interested in. The mere fact that new people sign up for these every day, means that there are always a fresh crop of tomatoes for the guys (or girls to squeeze). Even for the most genuine of online searchers, there's always something fresh and new to catch their attention.

 

Therein lies the rub.

 

Every person out there is marketing themselves. They put up a flattering picture, talk about their exciting and wonderful selves, and what they want in a relationship. If there's a match between what one person is selling and the other person wants to buy, then you meet and it its all really exciting at first. But there's always someone else out there selling something that sounds pretty awesome. Kids in a candy store comes to mind. The problem then becomes, the REAL you...the one that is pretty damn good, but not perfect, is then competing with the IMAGE that the seems perfect or at least worth getting to know.

 

The man I fell in love with (and who subsequently broke my heart) was someone I met online. He didn't quit looking for women online even after we were exclusive. I actually ended up catching him on a date with one, and even while he was telling me that he loved me, his excuse was "I just wanted to see what she was like."

 

In some weird way and there are some who may disagree, I do believe he cared for me and even thought I was the exact woman he was looking for. God knows, I loved him so and I was good to him. But, HIS insecurities and low self esteem led him to continually seek and need the attention of new women and he also allowed himself to get caught up in that fantasy that someone even better was just a click away.

 

I wish I knew what advice to give you, but this is the reason I no longer do online dating. There may be a chance you could meet "the one" there, and I know some people do. But, I still think the odds are against it and its set up that way.

 

After all, remember, online dating services don't make their money by making perfect matches...they make their money by keeping you using their service month after month after month...

 

Think about it...

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