My girlfriend chooses her stepmother family over me

[js_77]

Dating my gf for 1 and a half years. I'm 33 she's 24, It's not the first time this happen but last saturday my girlfriend went to her stepmom family gathering without me, it was a 15 year old party of their family member, a girl related to her stepmother.

 

Though after the party my girlfriend went to my place I got very angry at her because she chose them over me. Anyway I didn't go because I'm not into party these days, my mom passed away a few weeks ago and I didn't want to go, I'm very depressed, and we had a fight because she chose to stay with them over me. My God she doesn't respect my grief?

 

Was I overreacting or not? What do you think? My girlfriend is very attached to her stepmom family and this bothers me a lot. Specially these days I'm in grief! One thing is her dad, her brothers (she has two brothers), her mom and her stepmom but her stepmom family (they're a big family)? They're not blood related! They're good people, I've been there a few gatherings before, but she needs to change just a little, stay away a little! What if we get married and have our own kids one day?

[vla1120]

If she invited you and you chose not to go, that was your choice. Whether or not her stepmom is blood-related, she obviously has a close enough relationship with her that it was important for her to go.

 

I am sorry that you lost your mother and are grieving. People grieve in different ways. I doubt your girlfriend intentionally offended you. Maybe she even thought it would be good for you to get out and around other people for the day.

 

I don't think fighting about this is worth it. You should respect your girlfriend's right to have a close relationship with her stepmom's family.

 

If you do get married and have kids one day, wouldn't you want MORE people to surround your child with love and attention?

 

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life." - Richard Bach

[preraph]

Wow, me, me, me. You don't like to go places, so she goes by herself. You're trying to isolate her by guilting her into staying home with you. That's nonsense and it's abusive.

[Tamfana]

You chose not to go. No she does not "need" to change on this at all. You do. It's her family and you should respect that.

[kendahke]

You are so overreacting.

 

I'm sure she does respect your grief, but that doesn't mean she can't have her life. You're throwing a fit because she wouldn't sit with you?

 

You don't like to party--apparently, she does. What sense does it make to invite you to something everyone knows you're not emotionally ready to take part in?

 

She can't grieve for you--that's a solitary road you have to travel (my mom died in January, so I know that road very well--too well). You just started down the road and you still need to be sorting out your feelings, not depriving her of her family because you want to re-define what family means to her. Totally unfair of you.

 

And it's not up to you to define for her who is or isn't her family. Clearly, she loves her step mom--you're going to just have to accept that if you want to be with her.

[Ami1uwant]

Sound to me if you don’t want yo go or do thrn she shouldn’t and just stsy with you?. If so thrn that is controlling.

 

How close is She to her step mom? Sounds to me it’s close and this is an all her family going there thing.

[elaine567]

Set up a competition between you and your gf's family and it will be you who will lose.

Making her sad and unhappy by fighting with her, for partying with her family, is not nice and unfair.

[preraph]

By the way, depressed people isolate themselves and want to be alone. They don't isolate other people.

[d0nnivain]

js_77

 

Your world just got ripped out from under you & you are grieving. Your GF is not grieving. Her world is still turning & she is not obligated to put her life on hold while you come to terms with your mom's death. She attended the funeral with you. She invited you to go with her. You declined. She was not obligated to skip her family member's event because you didn't want to go.

 

Try to remember your grief is not hers.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that there was nothing wrong with her going, as long as she invited you.

 

As for long-term, she's very unlikely to "stay away a little" from her extended family. What you see is what you get. I've dated a few men who were too interdependent with family for me to relate to or understand, and it never got better, only worse.

[smackie9]

So sorry for your loss. Grieving is a very personal thing, and I'm guessing your GF has supported you through the news of her passing, and during the service, etc.....but life must go on. If you are still having a difficult time with this, seek out a grief counselor. If you don't want to do that, get up and get out doing stuff. Go to the movies, take a nice walk, keep yourself busy. I don't know your mom, but I'm sure she wouldn't want you moping around because of her. Go live life to the fullest.

[scooby-philly]

Dear OP,

 

Going to try and give you some things to reflect on without insulting you or being rude about it.

 

I cannot imagine the grief you face right now. I'm lucky enough to still have both parents alive. As someone mentioned, everyone experiences and deals with such grief in different ways. If you want to learn a little bit more about it - try looking up the 5 stages of grief. And the #1 point with them is that they can blend together. Right now I'm dealing with a very bad break up and I'm shifting constantly between #2,3, and 4 simultaneously. From what you shared it sounds like there's definitely a bit of #1 and #2 (isolation (and denial) and anger going on with you. As someone else pointed out - seeking professional help and/or leaning on friends/family is acceptable, normal, and natural.

 

The hardest two parts of any relationship are bringing your separate lives together (and that includes families/friends) and communication. I think in this example you're struggling with both.

 

Your gf did the right thing by asking you if you want to go. As others observed - you declined. If in your grief you felt like you needed her to stay and support you, you need to politely, calmly, and clearly articulate that to her. That doesn't mean she does not have the right to go anyway, but she cannot be expected to not go no matter what. And this is especially true when you did not articulate in a healthy way why you needed her - let alone not expressing why you did not want her to go.

 

Relationships based love and mutuality are about supporting each other and lifting each other up. If her family is quasi-normal and loving then there's no reason to deny her that quality time with them. You said yourself they are good people.

 

Now, people have their own experiences and unconscious bias when it comes to things like family and relationships. What seems like excessive time spent with their family to you, could be seen simply as who she is and is a part of her life/being. You cannot expect to love a person and have them change - you have to accept who they are NOW - and that includes things like their relationship/dynamic with their family. If you cannot accept that part of her and her life - the relationship is bound to face difficulties, or ultimately a separation.

 

If you have troubles expressing your needs/wants with a partner - perhaps once you go through a little more grief work you can discuss the situation with your partner and tell how you felt and why you felt that way and then LISTEN to her. It could just be that you were angry and upset because of your grief and you lashed out. Not healthy per se, but very understandable and normal. Does your gf generally support you? Encourage you? Let you do the things that inspire, recharge, and make you you? If so, then you need to understand how to do that for her. Not saying you don't - but perhaps it's a question of understanding that one thing she needs is that family time.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would simply apologize for the outburst and tell her you value her (assuming you do) and that you will spend some time thinking about your needs, her needs, and how to communicate. And then in a few weeks - have a conversation with her.

[basil67]

js_77, do you love your girlfriend? If so, you're well on the path to driving her away. Your past posts show an irrational amount of jealosy and possessiveness which no person could sustain long term. Get yourself some help for this before you lose her.

[jspice]

You’re incredibly needy.

 

I’ve lost both parents and my world fell apart. I did not however expect anyone to sit in my house with me as I worked through my loss. It was my path to walk.

 

You are constantly trying to pull her to you and away from others. This time it’s your grief that’s your excuse.

This girl has a world of patience with you that I wouldn’t have.

[justwhoiam]

she doesn't respect my grief?

No, she doesn't. If I knew my man was in pain and didn't feel like going to a social gathering, celebrating and having fun... I would respect his wish. I would arrange some time for us, maybe an outing to a park, in the nature or something. A couple needs to support each other and count on each other in times of need. I lost my mother too, so I know what that means. I would have answered the same way even if she was still here.

 

Was I overreacting or not? What do you think?

I don't think you're overreacting about this. I just wonder if her best friend had died and you had been invited to one of your friends' party and decided to go anyway and leave her home. I'm quite sure she wouldn't have taken it well.

 

My girlfriend is very attached to her stepmom family and this bothers me a lot.

You shouldn't be bothered by that. I guess what happened had you angered to the point of blaming the stepmother, but she has nothing to do with your girlfriend's decision.

 

What if we get married and have our own kids one day?

Have you discussed about that? Maybe she doesn't want any children, or isn't ready for children. Anyway, her new family should obviously get priority, which includes your father (if you still have one, and especially if you're an only child) and your closest family members.

But nothing wrong with having a large family, and getting along with everyone. That sounds like a good thing.

[Rayce]

<<<hugs>>> The lost of your mom is understandably very painful. Wishing you peace and comfort... be kind to yourself.

[fromheart]

I'm sorry about your loss. Loosing a parent is one of the most painful things.

 

Did your gf ask you to the party? If so, I wouldn't worry about it. Is she being supportive? If yes, don't loose a good gf. A partner who is supportive during bereavement is a rare thing unfortunately.

 

I wish I could could out with some wise words about bereavement, all I can say is remember that you are not alone in the way that you are feeling.

[schlumpy]

You seem to indicate that you see a future with this girl. If so, then you will have to come to terms with her need to be close to her family and you don't have to be blood relatives to share the connection. I hope you were not suggesting something untoward is occurring by mentioning that they are not blood relatives?

 

So either find a way to accommodate or find someone else. You will not win this test of wills.