2nd Time Around - not sure of Feelings?

[MrPolite]

I have since separated and divorced over the past 3 years, which was quite intense, and during this time, I got very close to a friend who has helped me through this, and we got together as a couple.

 

We get on great, and its a very good match, especially as we are both divorced now. We are both in our 40's.

 

However, I am 99% sure that we should move in together (as it is getting to that stage and she is desperate to), but I have some slight doubts in my mind after coming out of a divorce, that I don't feel that certain 'magic'?

I am writing this in my 40's, so as i've never been in this position before, it kept popping into my mind that the 'butterflies' and 'feelings' of when I was a teenager, and in my 20's (when I met my first wife) doesn't seem to be there?

 

Now is this simply an 'age' thing? I have no idea on when people meet someone maybe for the 2nd time in their life, whether its the 'same' feelings as before?Or whatever age, is it always the same with people who meet and fall in love? I am probably quite a cynical person, more-so probably after a long, stressful divorce!

 

I just thought i'd ask as its a strange thing to mention, and do not know which way to go? My partner is amazing, and is deeply in love with me, plus is a huge support, and comfort.I hope this makes some sense as I wasn't sure who to turn to...?

[preraph]

Some people don't ever even get butterflies. I suspect not only age but experience is why you aren't getting them. When young, we idealize love and think it's something it's not and hope every new person is the ideal person and it's very exciting. With experience comes knowledge that that is a castle made of sand.

 

Still, if it's not enough for you, don't do it. And to me, it's always a red flag when one party "needs" to move in with you. That should not be a factor in deciding. Each party should be able to stand on their own two feet or you're going to argue about money.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me she served a purpose....to help you get over your divorce. Now that's done, you are questioning things. Can you see where I'm gong with this? She just a security blanket and a friend, but nothing really romantic.

[spiritedaway2003]

Are you in love with her? It sounds like that you are appreciative of her being there for you during your divorce. But I got nothing from your post that you're either in love with her or love her?

 

If it's not there, you can't force it. And age has got nothing to do with it. Older people can and do fall in love. I've learned a long time ago that you can't force these things (romantic feelings for someone/butterflies). It's either there, or it's not.

Edited September 9, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[MrPolite]

I suppose I am not sure.. She does do everything for me, and we get on great, but my problem maybe that the 'grass is always greener' so without hurting anyone's feelings, how do you know if you are right with someone, without cooling it off and seeing what happens in the future?

 

I am probably not explaining it very well as it could come across as cold and callass when trying to type it up here

 

I was married a long time, and have never been great at this. I do know that it seems different, and I don't know whether I should settle down so quickly after a long marriage? 16 years married, and 3 years in this new relationship.

[kendahke]

Your friend is your rebound relationship and that's why you feel over it... rebound relationship rarely work out long term--some do, but most don't.

 

If she is not who you think you need, then you need to tell her to rein in her feelings for you because you're not there. That would be fair to her. She's thinking you're feeling one way when the truth is, you feel nothing close to what she's feeling. Don't let her continue down this false path.

 

I was married a long time, and have never been great at this. I do know that it seems different, and I don't know whether I should settle down so quickly after a long marriage? 16 years married, and 3 years in this new relationship.

 

Until you do get "better at this", then you would be better served not getting into any relationship but instead, hashing your issues out with a therapist so that you're not bringing your fragmented self to someone new to collect your pieces for you.

Edited September 10, 2019 by kendahke

[Saracena]

I agree with those who say this lady was indeed a rebound relationship, a nice comforting 'companion' in a sense who assisted you greatly during and after your divorce.

 

I would think very carefully about your next moves here as you really shouldn't be questioning your feelings about her at all, if you are essentially planning to move in together. Those 'niggles' are there for a reason!