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How much involvement with their ex in-laws is ok?


norudder

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Just curious where everyone thinks the healthy boundary line is for the relationship someone you're dating has with their ex's family?

 

A recent post was specific to an ex attending a funeral which I find completely appropriate, especially after a long relationship

it's generouss and kind on all parts (the ex paying respects, if sincere and not manipulative, the ex being ok with it, and the new partner not getting jealous).

 

Ex's had their own relationships with the family members as individuals. Can't some of those transition from family to friendship? Or is it only a way of continuing ties to the ex and old life that should be cut?

 

As the new bf/gf where would you have issues? If they are still referred to as "in-laws" instead of by name? If there are events where the ex will be (if you're invited or not)? What about holidays, can those still be shared with both parents if there are kids? Only young kids or adult children too? Should they be expecting to throw separate birthday parties?

 

Personally it depends on my perception of the intention, I've seen similar situations, one where it was a case of not being able to let go, I wasn't really included, a rebound/distraction from the pain and another where it was just about the kids and my feelings were given consideration and my place as still being a priority wasn't a question.

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A big bonus of my divorce was getting his mother out of my life too.

 

Everyone is different but personally I divorced them all. If I see some of his family out and about we small talk and are polite but that’s about as far as it goes.

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I think it's good to be on good terms with people who've been a big part of your life in these circumstances, but too much involvement can cause problems. As far as shared holidays and the like - that's a great big No from me. I know that it's trendy to 'consciously uncouple' these days and all be very adult about how we handle separation and divorce, but sometimes it's healthier to let the past be just that and move forward. Anything to do with kids, birthdays, weddings, graduations, everyone should be cool with celebrating together, but outside of that it's time to let go.

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I rely on my ex's parents to help with childcare because he doesn't do much and I haven't got anyone else to support, so it requires some tolerance and tongue biting at times.

 

 

 

I'll do the odd 'family event' but often it's with the family and not my ex - unless it's our daughter's birthday. I get on really well with his sister, too, and while that relationship is now very much at arm's length, I imagine we'll be closer again in later years when everyone is settled down with new partners.

 

 

 

It feels healthier and definitely more drama-free this way than having a simmering resentment or antagonism between parties.

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If the original couple shared children those EX ILs will always be the kids' grandparents so there will be some involvement. Best to be civil.

 

If I bump into the family of somebody I dated I will always catch up for a minute or two. We don't exchange Christmas cards or anything.

 

Some families are closer the others & some people have no boundaries. My MIL gets miffed when FIL's family doesn't include her in things. They have been divorced for almost 30 years & kids are in their 40s. FIL was flabbergasted when his EX's niece asked him to walk her down the aisle 2 years ago (her father had died & he was the only adult male relative; my husband ended up escorting his cousin).

 

Some of it has to be what words for the folks involved.

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If there are children then those in-laws are still the biological grandparents and are a permanent part of the kid's lives no matter if you like it or not.

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It all depends upon everyone's relationship with one another and if true friendship can develop--in some cases, it does. In cases with toxic people, that won't be the case.

 

My brother's ex wife used to refer to my mom as her "mother in love", that's how tight the two of them were... sometimes made me and my sis side eye her, but that was their relationship and they were entitled to it--both are adults.

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Ex's had their own relationships with the family members as individuals. Can't some of those transition from family to friendship?
I'm not in favour of that, generally speaking.

 

As the new bf/gf where would you have issues?
A married man, whether separated or divorced, is still someone who shared a bond, who might have kids and relations. It'd be unhealthy to think of him as a single guy. I would love his wife/ex-wife, kids and family. Unless they insulted me in some way, then I'd have a reason to dislike them. But even then, I guess I'd be more understanding about the children and wife.

 

If they are still referred to as "in-laws" instead of by name?
That wouldn't bother me.

 

If there are events where the ex will be (if you're invited or not)?
I would be let down/possibly offended if I weren't invited to anything where he's invited, unless it's a male-only event of some sort, but then the ex would be out too... so no, I wouldn't understand that.

 

What about holidays, can those still be shared with both parents if there are kids?
I guess planning and balancing is key. If we both have children, I would say some holidays at his children's house, some holidays at his or our house (if we're living together), some holidays at my house (if we're not living together). If our kids are the same age, they could play together and have fun. Anyway, priority should be given to the kids' well-being, and if they express a preference, we'd try to make them happy.

 

Only young kids or adult children too? Should they be expecting to throw separate birthday parties?
I would hope his family is decent enough to accept me. I'd be willing and happy to get involved with anything that needs to be done to arrange the party, etc.
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I rely on my ex's parents to help with childcare because he doesn't do much and I haven't got anyone else to support, so it requires some tolerance and tongue biting at times.

 

 

 

I'll do the odd 'family event' but often it's with the family and not my ex - unless it's our daughter's birthday. I get on really well with his sister, too, and while that relationship is now very much at arm's length, I imagine we'll be closer again in later years when everyone is settled down with new partners.

 

 

 

It feels healthier and definitely more drama-free this way than having a simmering resentment or antagonism between parties.

 

Exactly this. Grandparents do not stop being grandparents. This is not a

black and white issue. There will be examples when NC is best and being

close is best.

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If the original couple shared children those EX ILs will always be the kids' grandparents so there will be some involvement. Best to be civil.

 

If I bump into the family of somebody I dated I will always catch up for a minute or two. We don't exchange Christmas cards or anything.

 

Some families are closer the others & some people have no boundaries. My MIL gets miffed when FIL's family doesn't include her in things. They have been divorced for almost 30 years & kids are in their 40s. FIL was flabbergasted when his EX's niece asked him to walk her down the aisle 2 years ago (her father had died & he was the only adult male relative; my husband ended up escorting his cousin).

 

Some of it has to be what words for the folks involved.

 

I do not how close the FIL and niece are. It would appear that being he

was the most age appropriate male relative, same generation relative as

her deceased father, that he should of graciously accepted the honor.

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