js_77 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 My mom passed away and my ex wife is contacting me, asking me about if I mind of her going to my mom's funeral, which is going to be a real fast funeral because mom was cremated. I haven't told my girlfriend about this, I just told her that she called me the day my mom died, but I think she doesn't care because she's not very jealous. But of course if it was with me I would feel jealous but, is it a good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Consider explaining the reasons why she would like to go to your GF. IF it really bothers her (unlikely IMO but you never no), then you may have to tell the Ex sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 While there, do nothing more than thanking her for coming with your girlfriend by your side and then move right on to the next person, no chitchat. Hold your girlfriend's hand to send a message to her and the ex and everyone there who you're with now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 My mom passed away and my ex wife is contacting me, asking me about if I mind of her going to my mom's funeral, which is going to be a real fast funeral because mom was cremated. I haven't told my girlfriend about this, I just told her that she called me the day my mom died, but I think she doesn't care because she's not very jealous. But of course if it was with me I would feel jealous but, is it a good idea? First off, my deepest condolences to you. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I have a saying:"weddings and funerals bring out the worst in some people". Tell her what your ex requests. It's not unreasonable--she was her mother in law, but your girlfriend needs to know she wants to come and most likely would come even if you said no--are you really going to make a show at the memorial service? As you said, it's a quick thing and you'll go on your separate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I'm very sorry about your mom, JS. I think that if your ex wants to pay her respects, and as far as you know her and your mom actually got along okay (in other words, if the ex wanting to be there doesn't strike you as odd or strange), it's a no-brainer: let her come. Explain it to your gf as the ex just wanting to say goodbye. I'd think it might be a red flag if your gf objected. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 First off, my deepest condolences to you. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I have a saying:"weddings and funerals bring out the worst in some people". Tell her what your ex requests. It's not unreasonable--she was her mother in law, but your girlfriend needs to know she wants to come and most likely would come even if you said no--are you really going to make a show at the memorial service? As you said, it's a quick thing and you'll go on your separate ways. to add: As you said, it's a quick thing and you'll go on your separate ways. If everyone stays in their lane, it will all be as pleasant as it can be, considering the circumstances. My daughter's father and sister came to my mom's memorial service and I was so happy to see them and I really appreciated their support. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 your ex isn't part of your family anymore and should be denied going to the funeral 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I'm very sorry about your mom, JS. I think that if your ex wants to pay her respects, and as far as you know her and your mom actually got along okay (in other words, if the ex wanting to be there doesn't strike you as odd or strange), it's a no-brainer: let her come. Explain it to your gf as the ex just wanting to say goodbye. I'd think it might be a red flag if your gf objected. Exactly--my brother's ex-wife was actually a part of the service, where she gave a short recitation about her love for my mother... and even though I had a huge problem with her and how she tanked her marriage to my brother, she remained very close to my mom for the 7 years she'd been divorced from him and to the very end, my mom defended her relationship with her. Unless you know your mom hated her with the heat of 100 white hot suns, let her come and give her support. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Unless you know your mom hated her with the heat of 100 white hot suns, let her come and give her support. I don't agree with that Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I don't agree with that and you don't have to... that's the beauty of life... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Without knowing the situation, no way for me to tell if the ex is just using this or if she is sincere, but either way, not like you can stop her. Just do not agree to seeing her at all around it and don't invite her to the house afterward or anything like that. Tell her just family. But don't chitchat. Just shake her hand like you would your mom's boss or whatever. And hold onto your girlfriend so there's not talk because she might be trying to stir something up. I know this woman who will go to any funeral if she thinks she can stir up some trouble with guys she vaguely knew 40 years ago. She's a vulture. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I would never let my ex-wife attend the funeral of my father or one of my brothers even though they were somewhat close... Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 OP so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't care if my partner's ex-wife attended a family funeral. My partner wouldn't care if my ex-H attended any of my family's funerals. We are grown ups and expect that people who had/have relationships with our family members still care about them and would be welcome to make an appearance at a funeral. It shouldn't be an issue and if it is, I'd be concerned about my partner's maturity and ability to navigate tricky social situations that may emerge. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I think she doesn't care because she's not very jealous. It sounds like your girlfriend has her head screwed on straight and is being very adult about it all. There's absolutely no reason you should ask your ex not to come. In her shoes, I'd have no issue either. Hubby's ex went to his mother's funeral and I expect her to be at his father's. She's a lovely woman and there's no reason she should be excluded. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I remember when my dad's sister passed away, my mom (divorced from my dad/dad passed away) felt my dad's family would resent her showing her face. So far from the truth, they were all disappointed she AND my brother didn't join us. Family is family, divorced or not IMO especially if they had a good relationship. I've been to plenty of services that someones ex attended with no issues at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Unless your ex wife did something that deserves shunning, then I think it's quite appropriate for her to attend the funeral. She was family for a time, that isn't erased unless you had a nasty divorce. Exes are a part of life, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend will have a problem with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Exes are a part of life, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend will have a problem with it. exes don't have to be part of your life if you don't have any kids together. we don't know how the gf will react when the dust settles Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 js_77 Please accept my condolences on your mother's passing. In the wake of a tragedy, I'm an all hands on deck kind of person. Anybody who was touched by the person's passing should have the opportunity to say goodbye. When my EX died, the family asked me to be there. I made sure they told the new GF I would be there. I have since attended his mother's funeral & they embraced my husband with open arms celebrating the beauty & generosity of his love for me that he would support me while I was grieving the death of my EX's mother. In contrast, when another EX's dad died, I called & asked if it would be OK for me to attend. I was asked to stay away & that hurt me deeply because the EX's parents lived with me & the EX for a while. My parents were devastated that they were told they were unwelcome. One of the reasons that guy became my EX was how badly he treated me at his mother's funeral when I was his GF. The dad was mortified & worked to correct his son's abhorrent behavior. A few of my EXs & their families came to my parents' funerals or send cards. DH & I were comforted to know that my parents were so beloved. At some point your mom was your EX's MIL. That is a bond. Let her grieve. If your GF is bent about that she can take a walk around the block while your EX is there. If your EX's presence will upset you -- without regard to anybody else's reaction -- that is one thing. Then she can be excluded. If your GF is so closed hearted as to think a gesture of compassion by your EX is an affront to your dating relationship, I'd revisit your GF's moral & humanitarian compass; IMO such a person who would be so callous has no heart & therefore has no place in my life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 X's depending on the circumstances don't need to be a part of your life even if you have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 X's depending on the circumstances don't need to be a part of your life even if you have kids. If there are kids involved, you unquestionably have to tolerate the EX bringing the kids to grandma's funeral. Anything upsets the already heartbroken children. Even if the kids are adults; they may still need parental support. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 (edited) Well first of all ... for funerals ... sometimes even old enemies come to pay respects ... Frankly, as someone who has buried many family members, I was grateful for ANYONE who was there. I mean that literally. I'm going to assume your ex is not being manipulative. If she is being manipulative (using this to somehow resume with you) ... then that changes the equation. But assuming she's not being manipulative, death strikes people hard ... And if your ex had a good relationship with her mom, then your mom's death could hit her quite hard. My mother would have absolutely wanted my ex to feel free to attend her funeral. My ex didn't want to attend, but she sent me a lovely email ... reminding me of all of her good qualities. So assuming ex isn't manipulative, say yes ... now we get to the next issue. Frankly, I wouldn't want to date someone who was insecure about an ex attending a parent's funeral. So do you know for sure this would bother your gf or are you assuming that? In either case, seriously, a current partner objecting to merely seeing an ex at an event as sacred as a funeral ... that wouldn't work for me. I would invite anyone I wanted to invite and would not compromise on this to please an insecure current partner. A funeral is too deep, too sacred, too important, to worry about insecurities. Edited September 3, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Your ex wife had a relationship with your mother whether your girlfriend likes it or not. She should go to the memorial if she wants to. It is not for your girlfriend to have anything to say about the matter and if she acts out because of it, you should find yourself a girlfriend who is an adult. Seriously. Your ex is your ex. You should tell her that your ex-wife will be there and be civil and respectful of the event and your mom and family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 So assuming ex isn't manipulative, what do you mean by "manipulative" Lgo? Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 My mom attended my grandfather’s (dad’s dad) funeral. My parents were together 25 years and were divorced 4 years at the moment of the funeral. She was also at my grandpa’s place for his last father’s day (he was sick so we knew it was is last one) and my dad and his girlfriend were also there. It was about my grandfather and not them (mom, dad and gf). Everything went great. I was actually really happy for my mom to be there because it was an intense emotional moment for me, and having her there eases the pain a little. I don’t know if you have children of not, but I did go through this situation as a child, and having both my parents was the best for me. It’s up to you to see what you feel comfortable with. P.S. My condolences for your mom passing away 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 X's depending on the circumstances don't need to be a part of your life even if you have kids. My brother and I always had both my parents at my birthdays, sports games, graduation, even the first few Christmas. Personally I don’t mind either way, but for my brother, it was important, so I’m happy they did it. They are civil towards each other, wish each other « Happy Birthday », « Merry Christmas » and so on. Might not be the case for all divorced parents, but mine were able to maintain a relationship and I’m grateful for that. No 3 minutes drop off, exchange via emails only and all that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts