Am I being used

[ben1985]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can.

 

Basically I have been seeing a lady for about 2 months. We became good friends and then ended up in bed together. She split from her husband 9 months ago and has 3 kids. She is not the usual type I go for and alot of people have warned me about her, as on the service she comes across as gobby, and abit rude. These judgements were all made by people that don't actually know her, just seen her in the pub etc. She is a pussy cat and is a great mum. I do really like her but I don't know where i stand. We have gone out places together and with her kids. We've only had 1 official date, but we have done everything backwards haha. She went away back up north for 2 weeks after a family death, we spoke all the time (we have everyday since June). We spent 7 hours talking one night and we agreed to take our friendship to the next level which was dating and not seeing Any one else. Everything was going well, we were looking forward to seeing each other and the 1st day she was back, we spent the whole day together. However, that evening she ended up in bed with someone else!! A bloke who I know, who she had a rebound fling with after her husband left. He treated her really badly, used her for sex when he wanted but that was it. She told me it was just a rebound but she was still friends with him. So that night she had told him that we were just good friends and nothing more. Iv seen the message. She said she had feelings for him but knows he will use her!

This guy told me and others that he doesn't even like her.

This girl has been diagnosed with borderline bipolar. Iv had experience with that in the past and she doesn't seem that badly effected by it. Anyway, I spoke to her best friend and it turns out that she didn't even know we were seeing each other. Very weird.

I have spent all week talking to her trying to figure it all out. She has apologised countless times and says she can't lose me etc. Said she wasng used to being treated well. Just oppening the door for her shocked her. I agreed to give a 2nd chance on Friday and she said let's make it official and was introducing me as her partner when we went out. However, I think she may have done that for my benefit to keep me sweet. I don't know.

I will bring it up with her later. I am meeting up with the guy she slept with to ask him what happened. I probably shouldn't as she has given me her side of it but I have doubts. This guy will tell me as hes a complete player. I want to put it behind us and try and give it a go but If she has lied to me on Friday then that's it. Am I an idiot? I hope not.

 

Told you I'll keep it short....Haha

[preraph]

She's got her focus on this guy who sleeps with her but otherwise isn't all that interested. She obviously is casual with having sex with friends. If she hasn't told her best friend about you, well, she's not that into you. I think she thinks of you as a friend. Don't know if she's using you or not. Have you been spending money on her, like that trip you guys took? Maybe she was using you for that, but I don't know without details how that happened.

 

She's honest that she's seeing this other guy and doesn't plan on stopping, sounds like. I just am not sure she has being monogamous on her mind. So try to keep your emotions realistic about her. Most women do have some man they are trying to get who isn't really into them and some can be very focused on that. At least she's still dating others and hasn't let her life come to a standstill. With 3 kids, not sure how she finds time for any of it, but hopefully she shares custody.

[Watercolors]

OP, everything you've described shows me that she isn't interested in a serious relationship with you. she's dating you, then the same day of your date, ends up sleeping with another guy?! Where do you draw the line and say, "Enough is enough. I deserve better."

 

If she were really serious about dating you, her actions would show you. Plus, she has three kids and it sounds like even her kids aren't a priority to her, if she has the time to go around casually sleeping with men at night. Who is watching her three kids while she's out gallivanting with men?

 

I would stay away from her and try to find a woman who is more stable. She doesn't sound stable at all. If you don't mind inviting a lot of problems into your life, then stick with this woman. I guarantee you'll have lots of problems; i.e. her cheating with other men continues, behind your back, her neglecting her children so she can go out shopping and drinking or whatever self-destructive behavior she does to make up for her own low self esteem.

 

If you think this is the ONLY woman for you...the BEST you deserve...then work it out. Otherwise, tell her that what she did was unforgivable and that you need to move on. You deserve to be happy with the right woman. She doesn't sound like she's ready for that role in your life.

[chillii]

Sorry man but l think your friends are calling it spot on.

l mean she's got you around her kids in only a mth or two, they've just lost their family, no words sorry.

Sleeps with someone straight out the box, probably had him around them too and at a time like that, then you, then does that a night after spending all day with you and the last few mths supposedly together.

Not sure what your missin here buddy.

[SumGuy]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can.

So will I.

 

Everything was going well, we were looking forward to seeing each other and the 1st day she was back, we spent the whole day together. However, that evening she ended up in bed with someone else!! A bloke who I know, who she had a rebound fling with after her husband left. He treated her really badly, used her for sex when he wanted but that was it.

 

 

WTF! Of course she has a bunch of "reasons," none are anywhere close to making this excusable behavior. So let's see if I have this right, in the honeymoon phase of your relationship after a wonderful day together she hooks up with a bloke who treated her like ****? In case you can't see it, that is all sorts of levels of f'ed up and red flag on red flag. So much so I think a psychology dissertation could be written about it. It's so messed up I not sure being used is the right word unless you are spending a fair bit of money on her, then yes you are being used, big time.

 

 

Expect this to happen again and again if you continue to see her.

My advice is run Forest, run.

[Downtown]

This girl has been diagnosed with borderline bipolar.

Ben, which disorder are you referring to? Was she diagnosed as having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or BP (bipolar)? If it is bipolar, is it BP-1 or BP-2?

[smackie9]

If you both were willing participants in seeing each other and having sex, it's NOT BEING USED. You were simply dating. And! you don't have to have mental illness or blame mental illness, for someone that decides they don't want to commit, and sleep with other people. Sex is not a currency. She's an adult, she can do whatever she decides to do on her own accord. As for the other dude...he's not using her or used her. Again: If she is willing and wanting to have sex with him, she's not being used. I don't believe he treated her like crap...that's something she told you possibly to gain sympathy.

 

 

 

Now you were warned about her, you saw the choices she was making...those are called red flags. This is all on you OP for ignoring those red flags. Don't be pointing the finger around at other things, or people, trying to make excuses. You need to take some ownership on your decision to date this woman. Ya I see your ego is deflated, you are being a sore sap, and rejection sucks, but you can learn a lot from this experience, and that is what you should focus on.

[ben1985]

Yep, I knew all this. Just needed to hear it. I did see the red flags and I chose to ignore them. My fault entirely.

The other dude did treat her like **** as I witnessed it. However that don't really matter.

 

I am gonna run for the hills.

[rightondude]

man I would not even stick around long enough to find out if you're being used.

[an0nym0us123]

Eject eject eject!!!!

[spiderowl]

Oh dear! I don't know about 'using you' as such, she just seems highly unreliable. She is saying one thing, then doing another.

 

Others have warned you about her - when lots of people do that, it is important to listen, especially if they are people who have your best interests at heart.

 

As for the 'not being use to being treated so well' stuff, I would definitely not take that seriously. it sounds like a feeble excuse for her sleeping with her ex. She sounds all over the place emotionally and she will drag you all over the place too.

 

If you are looking for a long-term love and stability, I doubt she is the one. Liking her and enjoying her company does not mean she is necessarily faithful or capable of settling down with you.

 

I really think she is a bit of a wild child - engaging and fun but she follows her heart from minute to minute. She is impulsive. Unless you are ok with her sleeping with others too, you need to think carefully about whether to get more involved with her. If you do, don't be surprised if she sleeps with a stream of other guys on impulse but still claims she loves you because you treat her well.

[justwhoiam]

I wouldn't be surprised if one day it came up that the children have different fathers.

[ExpatInItaly]

What are you thinking, OP?

 

She is showing you very clearly that she is not serious about you. She sounds like a bit of a trainwreck, to be honest. Fresh out of a separation from her husband, you've already met her kids and it's only been two months, you two have only had one real date, she's sleeping with others - this woman is not relationship material at this point in her life. She's all over the map and you're just along for the ride. This was going to crash and burn at some point, and that point is now.

 

There is no point talking to her or her bed buddy about this. She did it because she wanted to, not because she "isn't used to be treated well" and was "shocked" by it all. Come on, dude. Don't tell us you bought that.

 

Just walk away. If you're looking for a stable, long-lasting and healthy relationship, this woman isn't it.

[Ruby Slippers]

She cheated on you... with a guy who "doesn't even like her". Sounds like a real prize - NOT!

[kendahke]

She split from her husband 9 months ago

Split as in she divorced him 9 months ago or split as in she just moved out, but she's still married?

 

Big difference.

 

we spent the whole day together. However, that evening she ended up in bed with someone else

 

I'm sorry--what are you confused about?

She's messy a.f.

Dump her.