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Mature Dating - What Should it FEEL Like?


Big Aus

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I know this sounds like a tired cliche, but I'm in my early 50's and haven't dated for 30 years.

 

I've been chatting to someone, and we decided to give it a go, see if we could be friends, and then see where that takes us.

 

So went on a first date, nothing too serious, just dinner and movie. It was fun.

 

I was not at all apprehensive or nervous about the date or meeting her for the first time. Mildly Curious would be about it.

Now I would contrast that with my younger self, who would have been almost incontinent with nerves.

 

And I'll be perfectly honest, if she said she wasn't interested in seeing me again, I'd be anxious to know why, but otherwise not really bothered.

 

SHOULD I be feeling something more?

Again, younger self, couldn't think about anything else for days. Would sometimes cut class and drive across town just to see her.

 

It's pretty obvious that "raging hormones" aren't a problem any more, but should I expect to feel something more than I do?

 

We currently plan to keep seeing each other. I figure if we're going to try to "be friends and see where it goes" then we have to give the friendship a chance.

 

My problem is that I am a natural pessimist. In fact future planning and risk mitigation is part of my job.

So I can easily look ahead and imagine obstacles that might prevent a relationship.

So I am trying hard to be positive and overcome that pessimism.

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ChatroomHero

Sounds normal. You learn from experience that "the one" when you are younger was not "the one". Looks that told you then, she is perfect no longer hold as much weight. You learn the hottest girl you've ever seen, can be as crappy as anyone else. So you reserve judgement and make a smart decision.

 

Remember when you were young and started a job and thought you knew everything you needed to know and could figure out anything the job called for? You probably discounted older workers and their experience.

 

It comes down to not knowing what you don't know. It happens in dating, you now know the reality, implications, effort, effect of personality despite looks...when you were young, a hot girl was instantly it. Perfect. Everything you ever wanted. Now you probably see her and the first thought is how much work is she to deal with versus the benefit? How does she add to my life besides being a trophy?

 

You now know what you didn't know when you were younger.

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Actually, you can feel chemistry quite strongly in your 50s. You just have more of a brain to calm yourself and think ... though frankly, just like a teenager, sometimes the hormones win out. The hormones are still there ... though infatuation is more the danger than raging lust ... but never underestimate lust.

 

The people I know in their 50s want to be with someone who excites them ... and they get just about as nervous dating someone they're excited about ... as when they were 17. And they feel the sting of rejection just as strongly. They just know they can recover (which teenagers don't always know).

 

Part of the thrill of dating when older ... is realizing you can indeed feel the thrill again.

 

So my conclusion: you just aren't into this woman.

 

She probably checked key items on your list, but there was no real passion. Move on. Keep dating ... You'll know when someone thrills you ... the conversation will catch fire ... and the energy will be electrifying. Yes, there are probably more relationships ... where the fire takes longer to ignite ... but you're still in search of fire, brother.

 

Keep going. Don't try to talk yourself into thinking the North Pole is where the fire is.

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@Big Aus

 

 

Sounds perfectly natural. Don't let your pessimism ruin things.

 

 

I can say have a similar story myself, and believe the lack of nervousness compared to younger days is by 50 you have likely been through much worse than a bad date or a woman not liking you. You also have a sense that just because some woman doesn't find you attractive it doesn't mean you are unattractive.

 

 

Frankly for me, being able to have an easy flowing conversation on topics of interest is number one. Even if physical chemistry doesn't develop you just met someone who could be a friend you can talk to, never a bad thing.

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IMO you will know what you are feeling when you meet the right one. That is why we date...to see if there is attraction, things in common, good chemistry. The key thing here is to keep your options open, and meet other people. Once you get going on this you will meet women with different agendas. Some will take things slow and offer friendship, some will be seriously looking for a relationship, some will be OK with casual sex/dating. Each date will give you something different, and how you feel about them should be contributed too. So the more women you date, the more you will know about yourself, and how things play out.

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I'veseenbetterlol

Sounds about right. When I dated a couple guys, I felt butterflies and giddy. Nothing wrong w/that, but I learned this isn't key to a successful relationship. The happiness wore off once the guys started taking me for granted. W/my current partner, I was apprehensive when we 1st met. The love grew slow, but has lasted a lot longer. We still love each other as much as when we started dating. Its ok to pessimistic, this will keep your heart from falling too fast.

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I'm in my early 50's and haven't dated for 30 years.
My man was 47 when I first met him, so similar situation. In a marriage with his college sweetheart who along the way didn't want him anymore, at least sexually. And that, long-term, is very difficult to manage.

 

I've been chatting to someone, and we decided to give it a go, see if we could be friends, and then see where that takes us.
By what you're describing, it sounds as if no real excitement is there from either of you. Maybe it's what you need now or what works for you.

 

So went on a first date, nothing too serious, just dinner and movie. It was fun.
LOL. Nothing too serious? So what would be serious to you for a first date? A 2-day trip in some secluded place? :laugh:

 

I was not at all apprehensive or nervous about the date or meeting her for the first time. Mildly Curious would be about it.

Now I would contrast that with my younger self, who would have been almost incontinent with nerves.

And I'll be perfectly honest, if she said she wasn't interested in seeing me again, I'd be anxious to know why, but otherwise not really bothered.

SHOULD I be feeling something more?

Well, my man still has butterflies when we meet. He's in his 50s now. I'm not saying he might feel the same as when he was a teenager, but thrilled, yes. But I guess I'm quite exotic to him and ten years younger than him. But the main thing is he's in love with me, and I'm in love with him. So that makes the difference I guess.

 

should I expect to feel something more than I do?
If you fall in love, I'd say yes. Can a man your age fall in love again? Yes. I have the proof.

 

We currently plan to keep seeing each other. I figure if we're going to try to "be friends and see where it goes" then we have to give the friendship a chance.
Ok, I don't know about that. Can a friendship develop into something more? Maybe, but I guess one of them was at least looking for something more... When both are just looking forward to a friendship... it's a bit discouraging, if what you both aspire to is a romantic relationship. But better than nothing, I guess.
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Like I said, I don't really know what I' doing.

Life and experience has taught me a lot, just not about dating. LOL

 

Had 2nd and 3rd dates. 2nd was especially nice. (3rd was watching footy)

 

I have dealt with so much stress and anxiety in my life, that minor fluctuations don't phase me. Best I can say is that being around her was extremely pleasant and comfortable.

But if I am being perfectly honest, there have been other women that I have felt (at the time) "smitten" with, but know that I didn't really have a shot with.

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I don't think it matters what age you are or are not, there are certain things you just "know" when you meet someone.

 

I'm sure as you are nearly or over 50 that you have had your fair share of ups and downs relationshipwise with others over the years. It would be foolish if not neive of me or others to think that someone has reached your age and not had some kind of past. You certainly know when things are good and when things are not. When they're good, they're good. When they're not, they're not. You can't expect the first person you encounter to be The One (though you might want that person to be The One). It's a numbers game.

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I get the impression you're not that excited about her.

 

When I met my last boyfriend, I was 42 and he was 49. We were both very excited and you might say giddy throughout the course of the (mini) relationship. Of course, it was somewhat volatile and didn't work out, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

In any case, I've never gone on more than a date or two where chemistry was missing, energy wasn't there.

 

But everybody's looking for their own thing, so I figure you know what'll be best for you.

Edited by Ruby Slippers
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