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He lost interest suddenly, hurt :(


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I was recently dating this guy I met online for 2/3 months. We had been on about 8 dates including sleepovers at his place so we did sleep together a few times. Initially we were chatting from April until June after matching on the dating app. We live about 40 minutes away from each other so I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t really think it would go anywhere. He did ask me on a date a few times but I was still getting over a break up so I wasn’t too pushed about meeting guys just yet. He did keep chatting to me and asked to meet up so we eventually did in June.

 

First date went well, he seemed nervous at first but eventually loosened up and we seemed to get on well. The date lasted about 4 hours. We kissed on the first date also. He texted me after the date. He said the fact the date lasted so long means he we get on well and he didn’t expect it to last that long (he had been on lots of awkward dates). He asked me out for the next few dates. (I did initiate some dates). We would text everyday since then, nearly all day.

 

We eventually slept together and I established that because we are sleeping together I wouldn’t like him to be seeing anyone else, he agreed and said he felt the same. He treated me really well on these dates, we did sleep together but he also brought me for dinner, breakfast, movies, parks so it wasn’t just about sex. He also payed for everything which I said he didn’t have to. He was very affectionate, would cuddle me just on the couch watching a movie, cuddle me after sex, In the morning etc. He even said when we started talking (even before we met) that he gave up the online dating. I took all these signs as him being really into me. I thought it would head towards a relationship. My friends were convinced it would.

 

Fast forward to last week he stopped initiating contact with me and stopped replying to mine. Or If he did reply it would be a cold response. So I let it go for a few days but noticed he definitely had suddenly changed completely towards me. First I asked him what’s up, you seem very quiet. He just replied I’m busy sorry. So I waited to see if that was true and he’d come back like he was before. He didnt. I went from hearing from him all day to nothing.

 

I was worried he was ghosting or fading so i Asked him directly are we still seeing each other. He replied that he thinks we should give it a break and he doesn’t want to upset me but he’s sorry. I said what made you change your mind so fast. He said I’ve been thinking about it the past week and a half and I can’t see it going to a relationship. Bearing in mind the time he was supposedly thinking about it, he was still chatting to me all day, acting interested and saying “the next time I see you, we’ll do this.. “ etc.

 

I’m just so confused on why he lost interest like that. I really thought he was into me. I never even asked about a relationship because I knew he said he didn’t want to rush into anything. I really liked this guy and now I’m scared to date again in case they just change their minds abruptly like that.

 

Any ideas what happened? :(

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It could be many things but, I have a feeling he met someone else, or an ex popped back into his life.

Or one more guess.....his feelings didn't advanced. Remember people can hide how they feel for months trying to figure out what they want and how to get the nerve to end it. It happens.

 

My advice: when a guy says he doesn't want to rush into anything, that usually means he is still keeping his options open. You should have shut it down right there.

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@smackie9...

 

Why do you think he met someone else? I know he definitely wasn’t online dating still. But maybe he did in real life. I don’t know. He did say he was thinking about it for a week and half, thinking it over. Not sure I believe that.

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No it can be very true. I dated a guy for almost 3 months and he simply decided not to continue. Funny thing tho, he came back sniffin around 3 weeks later....I just laughed at him and told him no way. I had time to think about it in those 3 weeks, and ya him ending it was the right thing to do.

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I don’t understand why he randomly started thinking that like a week before and then never told me anything, was still continuing like everything was fine. I asked him why did he keep meeting up and sleeping with me if that was the case and he said he wasn’t thinking that at the time and just started thinking it during the last week or 2. I feel lead on because he never said any of this. He was continuing to say he’s happy with how things are going.

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Maybe he was trying real hard to not lose interest. People will do that. We have had many many people post on here about their lost feelings or feelings that won't advance, and how they are struggling with making a decision whether to continue or not. It's mostly women tho..."great guy, he's everything I am looking for but I'm not feeling it no matter how hard I try." "What do I do?"

 

 

TBH I think he wanted to make sure this is what he wanted to do.

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He more than likely really did enjoy you, your company and the sex. However he wasn't starting to fall for you which made him end it. Dating is about seeing if the other person is right for a relationship with you. He decided that you weren't and didn't want to waste anymore of his time and yours which was the right thing to do. He was trying to force feelings that he really never felt. Don't let that stop you from dating as next time you could be the one who ends it for the same reasons.

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I guess I just didn’t expect it. I know after the first few days if a guy isn’t into he would lose interest after the first few dates. Not after 8 dates. I’ve never had that happen. Most of the ones that lasted that long turned into relationships. Ah I’m so disappointed. And my friends got my hopes up they were telling me he seems to really like me :(

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He more than likely really did enjoy you, your company and the sex. However he wasn't starting to fall for you which made him end it....

 

I’m kind of feeling insecure now thinking back thinking maybe he didn’t find me attractive. Could that be the reason? That would hurt a lot more..

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Why do you think he met someone else? I know he definitely wasn’t online dating still. But maybe he did in real life. I don’t know. He did say he was thinking about it for a week and half, thinking it over. Not sure I believe that.

 

Smackie thinks that and so do I because he flipped so suddenly. This forum contains many threads with the exact question you asked and it's almost always someone else.

 

There are other things that can happen. Do you have a history that he found out about that would put you in a bad light?

 

Do you have a jealous mutual friend that might be trying to poison the fledgling relationship?

 

Is there something in his history that would cause him to panic bail?

 

A sudden change of feelings has a trigger.

 

Don't take him back unless you get a rational explanation for what is happening. It will only happen again.

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I think he either met someone else or he got freaked out that it was moving towards a commitment and he felt he just wasnt ready for that or that you werent the right girl to have that with. My guess however is that if he turned the tables that quick on you, he met someone else. I am really sorry! Cut your losses and move on. Online dating can be like that. So many options make it hard for people to commit. Its possible though to find someone who wants a committed relationship! Don’t give up..not all guys are like him.

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Smackie thinks that and so do I because he flipped so suddenly.....

 

 

I did also try to think what would make him change his mind so suddenly. I asked him that but according to him he was debating about it for a week and a half before this. So it wasn’t sudden for him but it was for me because we were still texting all day and he seemed the exact same. And no none of those, that i know about. I didn’t ask about previous relationships.. he’s been single for about 2 years

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As everyone has so wisely said, it's someone else. People are generally reluctant to break up in the first place, but especially when it's sudden and in the early stages (the first 3 months), you can be sure someone else came on the scene. No one ends a good thing or even a great thing without external motivation.

 

I know it hurts, but as the saying goes, "we're all 'someone else' to 'someone else'."

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I think he either met someone else or he got freaked out that it was moving towards a commitment and he felt he just wasnt ready for that or that you weren't the right girl to have that with. My guess however is that if he turned the tables that quick on you, he met someone else...

 

Well I suppose it wasn’t sudden for him, he was thinking about it for a good week and a half according to him. And I guess when he decided then he just lost interest. It was sudden for me because I didn’t know he was even thinking about it. I thought we were going well. I guess he still acted interested while he was deciding and couldn’t make up his mind maybe. I didn’t get a feeling there was anyone else, we would literally text every half hour every day and until he went to sleep so I don’t think so. Unless he did meet someone and decided straight away to drop me.

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I did also try to think what would make him change his mind so suddenly. I asked him that but according to him he was debating about it for a week and a half before this. So it wasn’t sudden for him but it was for me because we were still texting all day and he seemed the exact same. And no none of those, that i know about. I didn’t ask about previous relationships.. he’s been single for about 2 years

 

Not to make you paranoid but its possible he was online dating on another site that you don't know of. When I was online dating I went on multiple sites (because I wasnt having luck on one site so I switched to another) and low and behold I saw the same guys on multiple sites. So its possible he went on a different site then the one he met you on.

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Funny you say that cause after he said he gave up online dating when we started talking (that is true, I never saw him online after that) I asked my friends to check if he is on any of the other ones we use here. Nope he wasn’t seen anywhere.

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I didn’t get a feeling there was anyone else, we would literally text every half hour every day and until he went to sleep so I don’t think so. Unless he did meet someone and decided straight away to drop me.

 

In this case my guess is that he met someone else (hence him saying “we need to give it a break, not real sure its leading to a relationship, yada yada yada”) but he kept acting like his normal self again. He’s saying one thing and doing another which leads me to believe he was maybe keeping you as a potential back up in case the new girl he was pursuing fell through. Basically he wanted to keep his options open. Didnt want to commit to you but didnt want to lose you either. Thats really what his ACTIONS are saying. So now you have a choice. You can chose to wait for him to commit or you can move on to someone who is willing to make a committment and doesnt want to keep you as an option. He has a choice as do you.

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@boymommy...

 

No not sure if you read it wrong, but he was acting like his normal self before he told me it’s not working, after he told me that we haven’t spoken since then. I meant he was acting normal while he were supposedly thinking about it for a week and a half so I didn’t know. Because he was still talking about the next time he sees me. So I was confused when he told me he was actually thinking about it for a week and a half. I didn’t notice him acting different with me during that time. So he’s not keeping me as a option because once he did end things he hasn’t spoken to me. Which is good, in a way.

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I don’t really get the feeling there was anyone else during that time I was with him. I may be wrong but he was quite good with keeping in touch. One of the reasons I liked him so much. He’s a guy that literally would text or Snapchat what he was doing all the time. He liked social media. Unless he met a girl on a night out and decided straight away, and boom I was gone. I really don’t know. I’d like to think someone wouldn’t date you for months then forget you that fast but hey maybe she was a supermodel! I just thought maybe he was never that attracted to me, and just decided enough was enough?

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No not sure if you read it wrong, but he was acting like his normal self before he told me it’s not working...

 

Ok I must have misunderstood that. Anyway, if he’s gone now then quite honestly even though it hurts I would think you are probably better off. Regardless of the reason why he lost interest, you can still move on and find someone better suited. I have been in this situation too where everything was great for a few months and then what usually happens is that a person starts to show their flaws and some of the men I was with decided I was the wrong person to be with for whatever reason. Good riddance though because as much as it hurt at the time, I always got over it and moved on to someone better suited for me.

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...

 

 

I’m just so confused on why he lost interest like that. I really thought he was into me. I never even asked about a relationship because I knew he said he didn’t want to rush into anything. I really liked this guy and now I’m scared to date again in case they just change their minds abruptly like that.

 

Any ideas what happened? :(

Yah, seen this before myself.

It could be he was lying all along and was interested in others. I've never had that but it is a possibility, the darker one.

More likely, and this boggles my mind but is certainly a thing; he is emotionally unavailable for a relationship. Not that he doesn't have emotions or could not be emotionally available in another type of relationship.

Just romantic ones that may go somewhere, that could turn into you being a couple, that is what he cannot face.

If it is emotional unavailability, then all those positive vibes you were getting from him, that he was into you were real. Very much so. In fact, it is just the realness of it that triggers his fear/avoidance. As odd as that may sound it is a hallmark of emotional unavailability. They really love being with you but can't take a step towards being in love.

This is truly a case where it is him not you. It is something in his head, in his life history, that causes him to become anxious and avoidant when the prospect of a real relationship becomes real. Depending on his age, maybe one day it will dawn on him and he'll get help.

I've found Psychology Today has decent articles on-line on emotionally unavailability. It is not uncommon.

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I don't necessarily think there was someone else.

 

I think it's common for things to fall apart around the three month mark. The whole point of dating is to get to know someone to decide if you want a relationship with them. Three months is enough time to really get a feel for a person -- their personality, quirks, etc. -- to make that decision. He evidently decided the two of you aren't a good match, for whatever reason.

 

At this point, there isn't really anything you can do about it. I'm sorry you are hurting.

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I’m sorry this happened and you’re hurting. I highly doubt it’s anything you did or that he wasn’t attracted to you. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he just wasn’t feeling it. Maybe he didn’t want to get more serious. Who knows. But I doubt it’s about you. Try to let it go and move on. At least it didn’t last longer and then have him do this. That would be a lot worse.

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This pattern is all too familiar. But I believe it comes from shallow connections and people not knowing who they really are, or what it is they have to offer in a relationship. Therefore two people connect at the mind level, add to this a little lust, novelty, and then a little sex and hanging out and this shallow connection can go on for a while before the cracks start to show.

 

 

How often has this same pattern occurred? I believe that in order for a relationship to work on a deeper level, the two must take part in self development, be able to connect beyond the basic level, and should not be in such a hurry to sleep with each other.

 

What was the rush in sleeping together? I think this is a question of knowing what one has to offer....

The problem when / if one does not know themselves is that you become a placement holder, and another that tickles the fancy of the active ego easily replaces you.

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@OnlyHonesty...

 

What do you consider “a rush” to sleep together? What is a better timeline?

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