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Is it offputting for a man when the woman wants to move too slow?


babybrowns

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I have started seeing a new guy whom I am fond of, we have been on a couple of dates so far. The only thing is that I feel he might be moving a little too fast for me. He is expecting a kiss soon (he hinted at wanting to kiss earlier but I said I'm a girl who doesn't kiss for the first 3 or 4 dates, which he respected).

 

I am a little afraid of getting too close too soon because I have been hurt in the past with my last relationship. I get attached to people easily. I would prefer to prolong this 'getting to know each other' stage before entering the physical world with him. I am not sure how to explain this to him? I don't want him to mistake my arm's length stance as lack of interest and subsequently lose interest himself.

 

Thanks for the advice :)

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There are guys who wont be turned off and there are guys who will.

For some guys it's a deal breaker if you dont have sex in 3 months, for others they can wait after marriage.

 

There is no one fit for all.

 

If you want to explain, I honestly think honesty is the best policy. Dont play games. Tell him you dont want to get hurt. But you also have to show him affection in other ways or he will think you arent interested and move on.

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Not at all for me l'd actually prefer it, and l admire it in her, shows she's no idiot and can think with her big head. lt's actually hard meeting a woman that will take it slow.

Try explaining to him just what you've explained here , and most importantly that it's in no way lack of interest, if he's really seeing something with you guys then he should be ok.

Edited by chillii
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It depends upon the man.

 

For this guy, it may be offputting, so understand he's probably not going to put much honor into your speed limit and will most likely ghost you when he finds someone else who moves at a quicker pace.

 

Nothing wrong with you moving at your pace--just don't expect others to want to move at the same speed--find a guy who is already moving at your speed.

 

I don't want him to

That's not your lane--you can only control yourself, not someone else, what they do or what they think. You stand in your truth, you speak it and you take your butt whippin' like an adult for your truth. If it means he bails, then he bails, but you won't have been taken advantage of by attaching too quickly.

Edited by kendahke
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So I am on the flipside of this being my boyfriend was the one who wanted to move slow (still does). He is very introverted so he does everything at a slower pace the me. But he explains it well and his reasoning for it and now after almost two years we have picked up the pace (talk of marriage, future, ect). My best advice is to communicate with him what your comfortable pace is. Its important you feel safe, but at the same time, not everyone has patience to move super slow. As much as I love my boyfriend it has been tough for me so just keep that in mind.

 

A lot of times people are not moving on the same timeline or same pace so I believe those things can be negotiated and if he’s a decent guy he’ll be understanding. Just except there may be some bumps along the way!

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No two people aren’t the same. You might lose some guys who’d otherwise love a relationship with you...but other guys may be OK.

A

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As above, depends on the man, and what he's actually looking for. After reading this board for a while... seems like there are a bunch of people... men and women... who are just looking for a quickie. If you are looking for a real relationship, then waiting for a while will weed out those people.

 

 

WITH THAT SAID.........

 

 

If you don't show some sign of clear affection, if you are honestly interested, that may signal to the man that you may not really be interested. So, make it clear.

 

 

I know in my younger years... there was a couple girls who wound up not really being interested, and stuck around just for something to do. In a way... it was wasting time. But then again... I wasn't ready to settle down either.

 

 

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

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He is expecting a kiss soon (he hinted at wanting to kiss earlier but I said I'm a girl who doesn't kiss for the first 3 or 4 dates, which he respected).

 

I am a little afraid of getting too close too soon because I have been hurt in the past with my last relationship.

 

You are dragging residual stuff from the previous relationship into the new one. A bit of this is inevitable, but you should be resisting rather than promoting it. It's not fair to the new guy, he's a completely different person, innocent of any guilt implied by association.

 

People have vastly different dating styles, and it seems that you are at the extreme conservative end of the spectrum. Four dates before you allow a kiss is unusual by any standard. Hopefully your new guy will have the patience of Jobe. You definitely need to give him some encouragement.

 

I don't always kiss on a first date, but when I think about it I realize that when I don't the odds of a second date are pretty much zero. And conversely, if I do the odds are high. I did wait until the end of the third date to kiss my previous gf, but it wasn't planned that way. But after the kiss things progressed quickly... like maybe ten minutes ;) I probably wouldn't continue pursuing a woman who insisted on waiting 3-4 dates. I would conclude that she's reticent and just not my type.

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I like to kiss on a first date to make sure I've got chemistry with the guy. If it's a bad kiss I'm not wasting time on a second.

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IMO, if it's customary to make flash emotional decisions on attraction and attachment and that's generally worked well in the past, even with a few failures, then stick with your own style. TBH, in three decades or so of dating over many decades on the planet I've yet to meet a woman who becomes attached by 'going slow'. The lady I married went relatively slow but she ended up thinking the relationship, not feeling it. That's a marked risk of going slow, the 'friends to more' thing, if the person, woman in my case, has a natural style of immediate attraction and growing that attraction quickly and becoming attached. The guy she goes slow with, at an elemental level, doesn't 'do it' for her so it's easy to go slow. IMO, the more you analyze this and the less you feel it, the more likely it'll turn out a math problem rather than a relationship.

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Everyone is different. You just have to find a respectable guy that doesn't mind. If this guy keeps asking you out, obviously he likes you enough to wait. If he gets too pushy, dump him. He's just not the right guy for you.

 

 

I'm with bittersweet...I'm a fast mover too. If a guy is slow, and doesn't follow my lead it's a thumbs down.

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Ruby Slippers
I would prefer to prolong this 'getting to know each other' stage before entering the physical world with him. I am not sure how to explain this to him? I don't want him to mistake my arm's length stance as lack of interest and subsequently lose interest himself.

The right man for you won't be put off by you wanting to take it slow.

 

Tell him you want to get to know him better before getting physical. Don't refer to past relationships. Nobody wants to feel they're being "punished" for past mistakes.

 

If he's the right man for you, he'll respect your wishes. If you lose the wrong men with your approach, in fact you've lost nothing.

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I have started seeing a new guy whom I am fond of, we have been on a couple of dates so far. The only thing is that I feel he might be moving a little too fast for me. He is expecting a kiss soon (he hinted at wanting to kiss earlier but I said I'm a girl who doesn't kiss for the first 3 or 4 dates, which he respected).

 

I am a little afraid of getting too close too soon because I have been hurt in the past with my last relationship. I get attached to people easily. I would prefer to prolong this 'getting to know each other' stage before entering the physical world with him. I am not sure how to explain this to him? I don't want him to mistake my arm's length stance as lack of interest and subsequently lose interest himself.

 

Thanks for the advice :)

 

For me if a kiss is too much after 3 or 4 dates, I'd feel there is a real lack of chemistry and a disconnect in our natures. I'm not talking second base or anything, just a lingering kiss.

 

I am more than OK with waiting for more than a kiss.

 

I can understand that people have fears that make them take it slow, so if I met someone I really liked who wanted to wait for a time I consider long for a kiss, them telling me that makes a difference.

 

However, I'm in my early 50's and don't date anyone under 45, and so in my mind if you haven't figured out what you want, are able to evaluate people enough to take a chance on a kiss, after 3 or 4 dates, I'm pretty sure you are not the person for me.

 

Honestly, if it got to date 3 or 4 (which is very unlikely for me if there is not that spark by date 2, not sex just a simple kiss) I must feel there is something, though odds are very low it will work. So I would not stop seeing other people. Yet, once I met someone I connected to I'd tell you, even if I hadn't slept with that other person.

 

All that said, that is just me. I bet there are men who also want to wait and even be exclusive before even a kiss.

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4 dates for a kiss means 10 dates for sex. unless you are really really gorgeous most men will lose interest pretty fast.

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4 dates for a kiss means 10 dates for sex. unless you are really really gorgeous most men will lose interest pretty fast.

 

Maybe..OP may limit her options. However there are men out there who like slow so just because they arent breaking down her door doesnt mean she wont potentially find someone. It just may take her longer to find the right match. And thats okay. I don’t feel like anyone should compromise what they feel is right for them out of fear of ending up alone. Thats just categorically untrue.

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The right man for you won't be put off by you wanting to take it slow.

 

Tell him you want to get to know him better before getting physical. Don't refer to past relationships. Nobody wants to feel they're being "punished" for past mistakes.

 

If he's the right man for you, he'll respect your wishes. If you lose the wrong men with your approach, in fact you've lost nothing.

 

This! Perfect. Agreed 100%!

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However, I'm in my early 50's and don't date anyone under 45, and so in my mind if you haven't figured out what you want, are able to evaluate people enough to take a chance on a kiss, after 3 or 4 dates, I'm pretty sure you are not the person for me.

 

This is what I love about being in my 50's.

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I have started seeing a new guy whom I am fond of, we have been on a couple of dates so far. The only thing is that I feel he might be moving a little too fast for me. He is expecting a kiss soon (he hinted at wanting to kiss earlier but I said I'm a girl who doesn't kiss for the first 3 or 4 dates, which he respected).

 

I am a little afraid of getting too close too soon because I have been hurt in the past with my last relationship. I get attached to people easily. I would prefer to prolong this 'getting to know each other' stage before entering the physical world with him. I am not sure how to explain this to him? I don't want him to mistake my arm's length stance as lack of interest and subsequently lose interest himself.

 

Thanks for the advice :)

 

 

OP, I'm glad you found someone your fond of and I'm glad he's respecting your wishes, but make sure to flirt and smile and tell him how much you enjoy his company. From your post, you said you're afraid (that's no way to treat dating, it's supposed to lighthearted). You're thinking making him wait will guarantee after you kiss him or more that he'll stick around for a very, very long time. That may be true, but the opposite may be true as well. You clearly state you have attachment issues so I think you might need to work on why that is.

Edited by bittersweet79
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What Im seeing here is that you have a rigid structure. You don't kiss for 3/4 dates.

 

That suggests a controlling nature, and I would be put off. I'd call it a day.

 

I'd be more interested in a mutual pace, that naturally settles into place without preconceived ideas. Going with the flow.

 

If a woman is trying to control the kissing on the first date, to me that suggests that there is more control to come.

 

Sorry, Im being brutally honest.

 

Maybe if you meet the right man, you'll be too starry eyed to set any pace.

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I like to kiss on a first date to make sure I've got chemistry with the guy. If it's a bad kiss I'm not wasting time on a second.

 

Wouldn't you kiss someone you want to kiss?

 

Not all of us men are mindless porn addicts you know. Of a woman went to test kiss me, she'd get ghosted pretty quick. Im not a test animal. Im sure you'd feel the same way, if it were the other way round.

Edited by fromheart
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lonelyplanetmoon

@alpha

What is wrong with 10 dates before sex?

Is that really too slow?

Not saying we can’t do a fair amount of fooling around before but is it bad to wait for an agreement of monogamy before sex?

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Delaying sex I can get behind. You'd be amazed at how many red flags get overlooked by instant hot sex. I think if more people waited at least a month to have sex, they wouldn't be distracted and overlook stuff.

 

But you're making WAY too big of a deal over a simple kiss IMO. If a woman told me she didn't kiss for 3 or 4 dates, it'd majorly turn me off and I'd write her off as a prude.

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@alpha

What is wrong with 10 dates before sex?

Is that really too slow?

Not saying we can’t do a fair amount of fooling around before but is it bad to wait for an agreement of monogamy before sex?

 

Chiming in from the sidelines.....if a guy wan't interested enough to be monogamous after a handful of dates, I wouldn't bother with him. Ten dates with someone who's still seeing others sounds like a terrible waste of time.

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Chiming in from the sidelines.....if a guy wan't interested enough to be monogamous after a handful of dates, I wouldn't bother with him. Ten dates with someone who's still seeing others sounds like a terrible waste of time.

 

indeed basil

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@alpha

What is wrong with 10 dates before sex?

Is that really too slow?

Not saying we can’t do a fair amount of fooling around before but is it bad to wait for an agreement of monogamy before sex?

 

assuming one date per week on average you're talking 2.5 to 3 months before any "sexual activity"...a lot of people couldn't make it that far.

 

I personally would wait 3 month for sex only if she was totally gorgeous and intelligent, a combo one does not see very often.

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