OLD Dating Etiquette

[SumGuy]

Over the years I have been kind of surprised about the customs or norms of on-line dating. For example, I used to get back to everyone who messaged me; not a good idea I was told and found out.

 

 

My understanding is also that it is OK to message more than one person and even go out on first meetings with more than one person (not at the same time of course )

 

 

The rationale I hear is these are just meetings, you are trying to get to know if they are compatible to date (and vice versa) and given time and the odds of finding connection. I agree with that. For me it certainty needs to be just one person you are interacting with after a third date or fourth date, and certainly after sleeping with someone (for me that means I have made a choice).

 

 

Every time it has come up in OLD first meetings I find the woman is also meeting other men. After all we are both in the search mode.

 

 

So after that long intro...

 

 

I've met a woman, let's call her Sue (that is not her real name), that really thrills me. We have only met once but have a second meeting/date planned. There are two other women I'm messaging with, one asked about meeting and the other I'm certain would like to meet (now is basically the time to ask her).

 

 

My gut tells me that me Sue is the kind of person I really connect to, I believe she feels that same but heck life and people are complicated, even if all that is true this may go nowhere...it's happened once before but generally when I feel this way things work out well for at least a year.

 

 

Wondering how "bad" is it to meet these other women? I do need to get back to one today about her suggestion to meet, and the other may well wonder if don't ask to meet here soon. Both seem great (on paper and via messaging) but heck I know that is no indication of connection, nothing can replace a first meeting.

 

 

Lastly, last time was out there (about 2 years ago) I kept meeting people until met someone wanted that third date with, and those (two others) I was meeting or had planned to meet I sent a message letting them know I had found someone, but also what was great about them to me and wishing them the best. They both took it well and one even mentioned to look her up if it didn't work out (alas Match does not save messages that far back it seems).

 

 

So was I a cad? Would I be a cad if I declined the two women who are currently interested in me for Sue? I realize if I do there is no going back.

 

 

Do I continue messaging and possibly meeting these other women with every one understanding this is the etiquette? Believe me I'm not going to sleep with them, or try, or frankly agree to it on a first meeting (that last is really more for me). If it is any help I've been on the other side where a woman has told me she met someone else but in all those cases it was no problem as I didn't feel that strong connection anyway, a maybe lets try a second meeting not a wow.

 

 

I imagine there are two camps of thought on this. Would welcome your yes or no, but more importantly the why you think that is the way to go.

[JEG88]

If you’re before the point of exclusivity with Sue, I think it’s fine to continue seeing other women. As you mention, that is a general expectation of people in OLD. It’s up to you to make up your mind about whether you still want to test the waters, or if you want to have the “let’s be exclusive” talk with Sue.

From your post, it sounds like you’re right on the edge of wanting to be exclusive. I would go on at least one more date with Sue to make sure, and if you still feel the same about a connection, I would have that talk with her to see if she feels the same. Don’t put your eggs in one basket unless she says she feels the same way.

[SumGuy]

Thanks JEG88

 

 

I'm OK with it not being exclusive at this stage even if I decide to just see her for now, so no need to really have such talk.

 

 

Frankly, and this may sound odd, I don't mind if she meets others at this stage and it would be unfair to ask that of her. If she finds someone she likes more than me so be it, I want her liking me to be fully informed and deciding I'm the best of all the guys she may be meeting. I really have no idea how many others she is or is not meeting, really none of my business.

[JEG88]

Thanks JEG88

 

I'm OK with it not being exclusive at this stage even if I decide to just see her for now, so no need to really have such talk.

 

Frankly, and this may sound odd, I don't mind if she meets others at this stage and it would be unfair to ask that of her. If she finds someone she likes more than me so be it, I want her liking me to be fully informed and deciding I'm the best of all the guys she may be meeting. I really have no idea how many others she is or is not meeting, really none of my business.

 

 

Ah, yes I just realize now you said you only met Sue once. Way too early to be thinking about it, I wouldn't worry about this until/if you get to 4-5 dates with her.

[Watercolors]

This is your life, so you need to decide what works best for you. If you want to meet the other women to see if there's a spark like you have with Sue, go for it.

 

But, if you'd rather pursue Sue for a bit exclusively to see if something develops with her and you don't want to date anyone else while you do this, then you owe it to the other women to message them that you are pursuing something with someone else.

 

It's a respectful, considerate act to let these other women know the reason why you're ceasing a connection with them.

 

It all depends on what your OLD style is. Some people like to multi-date, whereas some people like to date one person at a time.

[SumGuy]

...

 

It's a respectful, considerate act to let these other women know the reason why you're ceasing a connection with them.

 

...

 

 

I 100% agree. As has been said to me and as I've said to others, I've met someone I think there is a chance for a deep connection with and want to focus on that to give it a chance to grow.

 

 

I can get why women ghost guys, some just can't take no for an answer or need to part with some full of themselves comment. The worse I have ever had is she understands but I don't know what I'm missing

 

 

Will make a decision today either way.

[smackie9]

Keep in mind Sue could be doing the same thing....weighing her options too!

[SumGuy]

Keep in mind Sue could be doing the same thing....weighing her options too!

 

 

I hope so at least at this stage even if I don't. I really want to be the best of all her options not just the only available one.

 

 

It's not like I've reached out to other women since the first meeting with Sue, these were things already in the works before our first meeting. I don't intend to reach out to any others until see how things go with Sue.

 

 

Anyway time for action and chores.

[Rayce]

So what's up with Sue?

[SumGuy]

So what's up with Sue?

 

It was one of those flash in the pan things. We had fun but really not for each other...which I found odd given other ways we connected.

 

I did end up not continuing things with the other two.

 

Ended up getting back together with my ex about 2 weeks later, after being apart 6 months or so, though we had kept in touch as just friends (no benefits). We do have such great conversations.

 

Yes it is possible, though uncommon; only the third girlfriend in 40 years where the just friends worked out.

 

I didn't talk to my ex about my dating (or her to me) after we broke up so she didn't know, and time things intentionally. Who knows though, she knows me well.