C_daver Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Hello all, I have used this forum to help me get over the breakdown of my LTR last November and now using it to put down in black and white my situation which I'm hoping will help me clear my head and make an adult decision, input from people outside the situation would also be appreciated! 5 years ago I dated an amazing woman, she had a child from a previous relationship that I met, she met my son from my previous relationship but said she didnt want a relationship at the time after having just come out of a LTR. I understood for the same reasons felt the same Long story short I went away with work and was out of context for a period of time without giving her any notice. When I got back we spoke via the phone and she said we couldn't meet up again as she met someone and wanted to make a go of it so became quite good friends for the next few years until recently. She broke it off with him a few months ago and moved to my local town, and we have been dating since. She has asked for us to be 'exclusive' which I was more than happy with, I have always thought her as 'the one who got away' and have told each other the same thing. We text every day, see each other most weekends and I'm starting to fall in love with her, she's also said the same. So far sounds good (to me) but there have been a few issues which without too much in the way of details will lost below; ° recently went out to the local with her mate and ended up bringing 2 men back to her house with her and her female mate and was up all night drinking and doing coke with them, she asked them.to leave at 0400 which they did. She told me the next day and swore nothing happened between them all and that she was disgusted she did it etc and would never happen again and was cutting back on drinking. This happened 5 days after being taken to hospital for a pre existing heart condition! ° she had bad things happen to her in the past as a kid which ended up in her on lots of different types of drugs (including trying heroin, pills etc) and has caused her some issues she's still dealing with to this day. As an example, when we went out for a night out she drank alot (she usually drinks quite alot) wandered off without saying anything to me and when I eventually found her she was sat with a woman telling her blatant lies about the night (it was only me and her out, yet told this woman that she was on her own because her friends were being horrible and her partner was being a tool). When we got back to the hotel room, she passed out in the bathroom! ° she had another son with her ex, he stays at her new house 2 nights a week sleeping on the sofa, but he's giving her a hard time wanting to get back together, he is still listed as in a relationship on facebook, rings her to chat etc. As a result of this she has said we can't be public knowledge as he wouldnt take it well, we cant go to certain towns together, I havent met her friends, only 1 of her friends knows about us (and her mum and nan). ° when we go out, it is only me that pays for things-meals, hotels, day trips. I understand as a single mum she can't afford much so have no issues, but she has recently had her hair done (her ex boyfriend paid for it), gets nails done, is saving for tattoos and wants her lips done with filler again. Before point one above, we spoke about going on holiday at the end of Sept and i was going to take her to Venice, with me paying-ahe did say though she would save to pay for things out there too! We recently had a falling out due to a misunderstanding with her going out drinking on her own in the local pub (my fault as I worded my reply badly, I meant it to read I was worried about her doing so), the next day though she tells me she's falling for me and asked if we're still going to Venice I bought her along to meet one of my closest friends and his partner, who knows about some of the things above, their impression was she's a lovely woman but this shouldn't be a relationship as it will be a disaster down the line with lots of dramas. I think I have fallen for this woman though-when we are together she is the nicest woman I have ever met, I have never been so attracted physically or emotionally to a woman as I am her. She says such nice things too, like she has never felt about anyone the way she does me, she's falling for me, she really misses me when we go days without seeing/texting each other, she Hope's 1 day we can be in a relationship together etc. I feel better in myself for writing all the above down so if anyone has read it all, I appreciate your time and any comments no matter what they are, please do voice them! At the moment I'm struggling to eat/sleep because of worry for this woman and the fact I don't know what I should do about us! Is she using me? Genuinely interested in me? Or am I being stupid here and she's on the rebound or even worse - using me? Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Just to confirm is it her son or her ex that sleeps at her house 2 nights a week on the sofa? You need to wake up to reality here. Stop listening to her words and start looking at her ACTIONS. She thinks its OK to bring random guys back and drink and do drugs all night. She can't control her drink and ends up doing random stuff like telling lies to random people. She cares what her ex will think about you two being in a relationship. She doesn't want to go to certain public places with you and tell people about you. She let's her ex pay for stuff like her hair. She doesn't contribute to things but as soon as you had an argument she wanted to know she was still going on this all expenses paid holiday. She is taking you for a mug and a big one at that. If it is her ex that sleeps on the sofa then I honestly don't know why you didn't drop her sooner. You need to listen to your friends - they are absolutely right. She is a ticking time bomb and at some point in the future it will all end up a disaster and you will get even more hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C_daver Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 Hi Flame Aura, Thank you for the reply! She has 2 children but it is her ex (the father to the toddler and step dad to the 7 year old that stays over) twice a week! I had no red flags with this woman prior to that night and as you say in your reply, with it in writing it does sound absolutely ridiculous the situation! I'm just confused as to why she insisted we become exclusive, seems to be cutting back on her drinking and sends/says such nice things too me!? The hardest thing is I genuinely do have strong feelings for this woman and have no idea how to get out of the situation without trashing my heart for a long old time! Is your advice to short sharp cut it off or slowly cut down on time spent togrther/talking to lessen the blow (to myself as I get the impression from your reply you think she may just be saying what I want to hear to keep me inside?) Thanks again for your input, its genuinely appreciated and the more honest/brutal the better so thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 IMO I would never have my own child anywhere near someone like that who has a history of making bad choices/has poor judgement no matter how kind they seem. Truly she has nothing to offer you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C_daver Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 IMO I would never have my own child anywhere near someone like that who has a history of making bad choices/has poor judgement no matter how kind they seem. Truly she has nothing to offer you. Thanks for the comments Smackie, I didn't clarify but since we have reconnected and started dating, she hasn't been reintroduced to my daughter, I have met her youngest daughter once though! Do you have any tips on how to cut this off the most painless way? Unfortunately I have grown quite fond of this woman! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Thanks for the comments Smackie, I didn't clarify but since we have reconnected and started dating, she hasn't been reintroduced to my daughter, I have met her youngest daughter once though! Do you have any tips on how to cut this off the most painless way? Unfortunately I have grown quite fond of this woman! I must clarify, whether or not she has been around your daughter, it's not worth the risk of exposing your daughter to this woman with her background, and present situation. How to break it off? Just be damn honest with her. This is more so for you than her. You breaking it of is justifiable. Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow12 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 The women whom you fall for reminds me of my next door neighbour, she does coke and makes loud noises next door, she even uses her boyfriend whom is allot older than her to pay for her rent since she isn't earning and hasn't got a job, she relies on coke and a man to provide but doesn't mean she loves him. I know this has nothing to do with your problem but it's the same thing. She wants money from her ex, she wants money from you. She doesn't want a relationship and she has to be nice to you to keep you there. You're not stupid and deep down even you questioned it. She will be no good for you or your daughter. She is using her ex and you and I bet she said's the same to her ex boyfriend of how she is falling for him too. She is a liar and when you went out with her that night....just proves it. She wants the sympathy, attention and money. Never trust a coke head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Any time a post starts with how amazing someone is, I know they're about to roll out a bunch of reasons why that's not the case. I would tell her you're in a different place in life and her choices aren't a match with that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 She's not contributing financially because she's buying dope with it. I'm not particularly judgy about some dope, but anyone who's doing crack, heroin or meth or has done is likely just a general addict and there's always going to be problems. And here she is with a child too. She has it all set with you and yet that's not enough to keep her from going out and doing drugs with strangers. I don't see how this is ever going to work. I just think she's an addict, maybe not to one particular thing -- but to doing substances in general. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C_daver Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 Thanks for all the feedback, its genuinely appreciated! Like some have said, I know what I should do which is different from what I want to do! I guess I'm going to have to just suck it up and make the change which is going to be hard when i feel so attached too her! Thanks again for all the comments! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Op this woman is using and disrespecting you! I don’t think I’ve ever read a post that screams “love is blind” like this one does. Op please open your eyes! I won’t go into how totally inappropriate her behaviour is as others have already said it. However I wanted to emphasise you! How can a man who seems so lovely believe himself to be worthy of being someone’s “Dirty little secret”? Why would you permit this for a second? You should believe that you are special enough that someone else would feel proud to be with you. Someone who confidently and openly shows your relationship to the world. Let me ask you this: why is what her ex feels more important than how you feel? The answer is it isn’t! Your posts drip of idealising this woman and holding her in high value as if she’s some kind of goddess. Let me tell you: a mother of 2 who drinks excessively, takes drugs and entertains strange men until 4am in the home of her children is not a goddess. She is a bad mother! Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 She wants the sympathy, attention and money. Never trust a coke head. Good analysis Rainbow. Saved me the trouble of posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 The inviting guys back to her place and doing coke until 4 a.m. That would have cut off any "want" I would have to be with someone. And that night in the bar when she wandered away. Agree with Preraph, she's likely doing way more dope than you are imagining. And yes, she's saving her money for dope. I get it: you get something, a lot really, out of being with her--despite her problems. Well ... sometimes you have to run into a wall ... to really appreciate that big sign over there that says "wall." So you may need to go through more pain ... if this behavior you report here doesn't scare you away, then unfortunately you may need more pain and trouble before you can wean yourself away from her. Definitely you could address an underlying psychological need/desperation of some sort. Therapy is one such method. Lots of people walk into therapist's office because they are attracted to and entangled with destructive people. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Sorry it turned out that way. Best to leave now while there's no scars Link to post Share on other sites
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