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Other Person Isn't Carrying Their Weight in the Relationship...


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What do you do when the other person isn't carrying their weight in a relationship, and when do you call it quits?

 

Background: I'm a guy in his late twenties, successful, self employed business and I've been dating a girl for the past 5 or so years. I've always paid for things, the house, bills, dinners, groceries, internet, literally everything. What I have always asked for in return is that the girl takes care of household chores, like laundry, cleaning, dinner, etc. I can afford a maid but don't want to as I like when my girlfriend does it for me, I appreciate her a lot more and I also am able to see how much she appreciates me in return that way too.

 

Issue: What do you do when you constantly have to remind her to do these things and shes just on her phone / lounging around all day? I did have a discussion with her about this and she agrees that she does need to do more, but in the next few days it just goes back to literally the same problem. Either forgetting to do things, making dinner super late, forgetting important groceries, etc.

 

We have had fights before and she would just argue and say "what are you going to do, break up with me over that? You clearly dont love me if you do"

 

And it just constantly goes through a loop like that and its honestly taking a toll on me mentally and we are basically in the midst of a break up at this point since its really driving a wedge between us.

 

So basically I'd like to know how to solve this issue, is it even possible if the other person just doesn't want to do it? I've done things such as offering incentives, and also done things like consequences... I've cut off her internet for example one day and she freaked out on me. I'd also like to know how to deal with this in a new relationship and make sure to learn from this so I don't have the same issues. Is this a common issue? How do you guys deal with this?

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What are your girlfriend's qualifications? And why isn't she working? Big gaps in her resume like this will do her no service in the future.

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You live in 2019 not 1959.

You are expecting your gf to be your cook and housekeeper.

She doesn't like it, in fact I would guess she hates it, hence the fights.

She doesn't appreciate you more for making her do all that stuff. She no doubt resents you.

You will not win here. Why would you want to force the woman you love to do something she doesn't like doing?

You are already in the stages of breaking up over it, so if you want to keep your gf, hire that maid asap.

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I have a nephew in this position. (kind of) he getting close to being married, but his soon to be wife has minimal motivation. It was bad in the past, and fortunately is getting better, but the family is still worried.

 

 

1) Is she impaired so she can't work?

 

 

2) Is she younger, and just doesn't get you aren't "Dad"?

 

 

Anyway... Since she really doesn't like doing chores, maybe that's where the conversation should start. Tell her that since you pay to "Keep the lights on"... then she should pay for someone to come into the house to clean, if she doesn't want to do it.

 

 

Since her comments are... "Are you going to brake up with me over this?", tell her "Yes... Unfortunately, I can't live my life with someone who won't contribute to the household and family freely." At that point, explain that she is an adult, and you are not her dad, and that life cost $$$$.

 

 

I'm sure she will get mad... but the truth is... money breaks up relationships. This is something that needs addressed before you would marry this girl.

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I would have called it quits long before this. Is there any value that she brings to the relationship? She seems to want the benefits of a traditional woman (being taken care of financially) without the responsibilities of a traditional woman (maintaining the household).

 

I'd recommend finding someone else. If this forum is any indication, there are plenty of women out there who want that traditional dynamic. I see many women on OLD advertising their desire for a traditional relationship.

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Need more context about your GF. Is she just unmotivated to hold a job because you pay for everything financially? If so, then she's become too comfortable as something of a trophy GF for you.

 

If you're "forcing" this traditional dynamic of her being the household woman, then I can see why she would be upset and argumentative about it.

 

Either way, from the start you should have set a different boundary for how you would both contribute financially, because if a stay-at-home woman is what you want, you will need to find someone who is definitively okay with that.

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You know what you want but you can't make this girl into a different person. There are women who enjoy homemaking. They are not lazy, the house is beautiful and spotless, the cake is delicious and the children well dressed. They take pride in their home, nothing wrong with homemaking. But, these women are few. Besides, what you have is just a live-in girl you are dating, not your maid. When a woman does housework she does it because it's her home.

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You have a very bad balance in your relationship. Why is she not working and contributing something towards the bills? Why are you not contributing towards doing the household chores?

 

 

Cut off her internet? You sound like her dad.

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She isn't going to be your trapped 1950s housewife, but she clearly needs to be told to either go back to school or go get a job. How can doing housework possibly mean she cares more about you? It's you demanding she do all that s**t work, so she's going to like you less for it. Ridiculous.

 

But you need to ask her what she wants to do and listen and see if it's anything that will improve your situation. With you both working or her at least getting an education toward better work in the future, you might get out of this rut. With both working, you can afford a housekeeper. Your attitude about it is very unacceptable. You need to sit and listen to her and then tell her that you're not doing it all and that if you're going to be partners in life, then she needs to be contributing by getting a job. Housework is the most boring of all work and if she had to do it all the time, I'm sure she'd rather be getting paid $150 a house for it.

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Easy solution: hire a chef and a housekeeper for your girlfriend and continue to be the "sugar daddy" you are to your I-won't-work-because-that's-not-my-thing girlfriend of 5 years. You're definitely her daddy in this relationship, cutting off her internet, offering her incentives to try to entice her to do something.

 

Or, easiest solution: break-up with her since she refuses to do anything in your relationship except for spend your money and have sex with you.

 

5 years? That's a long time.

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Versacehottie

Yeah what flame aura said about acting like her dad. It's moving toward parental relationship rather than a romantic and partner one. It's not uncommon when one person is more of the provider and the dynamic does have a tendency to create a spoiled teenager on your hands if you also act like a dad and put her on restriction (i.e. from the internet).

 

You need to rebalance and discuss responsibilities and expectations etc. For some people they will see what arrangement you guys have as fine AND IMPORTANTLY (because i think it's how you see it) as a partnership with equally important roles, i.e. you provide and she takes care of the household. Or you both contribute financially and both contribute to taking care of the household.

 

If she doesn't live with you, then IMO even with a discussion, your expectations are out of line and if she has been taking from you financially without living together well then you are being taken for granted. I also think your interpretation might be skewed based on your beliefs of what "should" be happening.

 

I do think she should be more motivated career wise and contributing financially for both of your sakes but especially for her own--though ultimately that's just my opinion. But these are all big life decisions that 5 years in is past time to figure out. She might be thinking she has it easy coasting with you paying for most things and she is not doing much for her career AND generally being lazy around the house, however the only person she will really burn is herself since you are not married and she could find herself trying to start a career where she can provide for herself if you end up breaking up and she will be years behind. If my partner were doing that, that portion of the laziness would be equally distressing as the fact that they were not doing the housework. Anyway, you should talk to her. You guys need to lay it out on the table what you want, what you expect and come to decisions as equals. Try not to be so authoritative (like a parent figure) because sooner or later that is going to blow up in one of your faces. Romantic couples are balanced. And just because you are paying for stuff if she does step up with the agreed household things (i.e. if you decide to keep it that way) you need to let it go like you are "the boss" because you contribute financially. You will need to truly value her household contribution. That's why it would be easier if she just got a career because your tone might already indicate that you will never see things like that. Sorry, I'm not sure but catching a couple of things. Ok Good luck

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Or, easiest solution: break-up with her since she refuses to do anything in your relationship except for spend your money and have sex with you.

 

Yea, must be some awfully amazing sex, eh? Or maybe she's really pretty?

 

I don't think you can change who she is fundamentally. Does she literally sit around all day playing on the internet and watching TV? If so, and if that is all she cares about, I do not think there's any point in trying to get her to change. It's about a lot more than whether the housework gets done. This is about the nature and character of this person.

 

I thought it was amazing that she said, "what are you going to do, break up with me over that?" She really does think she's in the catbird seat and that you have no agency... so not only does she defy gravity, but she kinda rubs your nose in it, which is humiliating and adversarial.

 

Sounds like to me you're at the end of your rope with her anyway. I don't think it will get better, and I don't think you can love and respect someone with that attitude. I'd skip the arguing and pull the plug on this one.

Edited by salparadise
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Sorry but there is no magic solution to make her into your ideal GF. What you see is what you got. You don't like it? Kick her to the curb....now! do it this weekend.

 

 

Next lady you find, make sure she is more compatible....your equal, professionally, financially, and of the same goals.

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Next lady you find, make sure she is more compatible....your equal, professionally, financially, and of the same goals.

 

I have a feeling that that is not the kind of girl, Zivo is looking for.

He wants the domestic goddess who panders to his every whim, and he is willing to pay her for it.

Where he went wrong here is that he chose the wrong woman.

This woman is not willing to pander to his whims, she no doubt finds domestic chores boring and she is unmotivated to do them.

She then does not respond well to his attempts to control her...

I guess after 5 long years, she is also looking for a ring and a wedding...

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@elaine567....

 

 

Plenty of Filipino women out there that would love to cook and clean for a man. Maybe he should have looked for one. True story, I know someone who looked overseas for a Filipino wife...he found her...great cook too. Still happily married after 20+ years. His first wife was a high maintenance cow, she worked for my company for a short time...all I have to say about her is "YIKES!".

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Rogue Vampyre
What do you do when the other person isn't carrying their weight in a relationship, and when do you call it quits?

 

Background: I'm a guy in his late twenties, successful, self employed business and I've been dating a girl for the past 5 or so years. I've always paid for things, the house, bills, dinners, groceries, internet, literally everything. ......

 

5 years? You should of fixed this way before that. A couple that lives together should both have jobs both of them should pay bills & both of them keep the place clean or at least take turns doing it. Unless there was an agreement to do something different than that. Its been too long for you to try & change things now. Your going to have to dump her or put up with her.

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To provide a little more context - I work from home on my computer and am in the 1 percentile of income. The house we live in is very expensive, so her contributing even if she had a regular job would be a fraction so I never bothered to have that discussion or those terms.

 

She is a few years younger, but just hitting mid twenties. She wants to work from home as well, think influencer / social media type of girl. She maybe gets a few hundred bucks a month from sponsors etc, but nothing at all major.

 

I support her in that and let her do her thing, however since she isnt paying the bills I have her do the house chores and she accepts that, and agreed to it long ago. We already had that discussion. The issue is that she is slowly getting lazier and lazier in doing them and keeping the house orderly, and we have already had discussions and fights over it where the "what are you going to do, break up with me" part came in.

 

Ofcourse I could just hire a maid but then I would feel like I'm being taken advantage of that point and would never give in to that level. I dont care how pretty someone is, they need to be able to be willing to get their hands dirty or else I don' want to be with them, and she was like that, but the more I let things go, the more she takes advantage of it and doesn't want to do it. I also despise playing the daddy figure but thats how I feel I am, I have to literally tell her to clean her room from time to time, her bathroom etc.

 

We sleep together but she has her separate bedroom with her computer, closet and bathroom for herself that she doesn't even take care of.. and yes I have laid it all out to her already, plenty of times, once every few months it seems like now but it still goes back to the same issues. And its complicated because I don't want to just blindside her and say okay thats it, I'm breaking up with you because you didnt clean your room today..... I am also quite afraid of marrying at this point, and having a child together. She will either only take care of the child and then drop household stuff, making me dinner, etc (which I would get angry at)... or she will just drop everything and then I have to end up worrying about the child which is not possible. (also bad, if not worse)

 

I have also brought that up and she insists it wont be like that and she would never, but her track record does not at all point in that direction. I even told her that babies and marriage isnt happening until she cleans up her act, but even that isnt really motivating her.

Edited by zivo
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Well she IS taking advantage of you and you spoiled her like daddy's little girl and she is incapable of being independent now. Now you want her to be a capable grown woman? Nah she cant sorry.

 

 

Why are you so afraid of breaking up with her? Why are you so afraid of being accused of "not loving me if you break up over this?" Clearly she's guilt tripping you and why do you care??

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That's weird. My buddy and I were just saying why we prefer traditional gender roles.

 

The so-called "modern" woman who is overly independent and career obsessed is a drag to be with. Her libido disappears, she gains weight from being too tired to eat well/exercise, and she is always distracted/withdrawn. Yet if a guy actually brings up these changes, he doesn't "love the real her".

 

But at the same time no one wants to be Al Bundy married to a lazy Peggy Bundy either. So the OP has a crappy situation where she is being lazy and taking advantage.

Edited by DaddyDom
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Sounds like she's NOT what your looking for and people as you can see rarely change. ... time to keep looking?

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LivingWaterPlease

She's acting as irresponsible as a child with you as her dad. And she's even sassing you as a child would by saying, "What are you going to do, break up with me?"

 

Sounds like a preteen to me.

 

i doubt there is much that will motivate this girl until she finds herself without a cushy place to live.

 

In your place I would definitely break up with her because the qualities she has that you've posted about are quite unattractive to me. And they'll only get worse with time.

 

Also, though, you're a big part of this equation.

 

Why would you choose a woman who thinks so little of herself and of you as to behave this way? You may think it was because you didn't know she would be this way, but IMO there are definite red flags and character flaws that stand out with people like this.

 

Bottom line:

 

You're probably going to have to break up with her. And definitely don't have a child with her.

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I have also brought that up and she insists it wont be like that and she would never, but her track record does not at all point in that direction. I even told her that babies and marriage isnt happening until she cleans up her act, but even that isnt really motivating her.

 

You do realize that she already IS taking advantage of you; that your role to her in your relationship is parental and her role is the 'spoiled child.'

 

I hate to say it, but after 5 years, she is not going to change. And, what's worse, is that there are 100% higher quality of women out there for you to be with who are far more mature and income-independent. Basically, you could be with a woman equal to your economic stature.

 

You've laid out your cards with your 5 year 20-something girlfriend. As Kenny Rogers sang, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to

You my friend, are The Gambler in every sense of the word, and you're out of Aces after 5 years. Time to fold those cards and ask the dealer for a new hand. Unless, that is, you are complacent enough to continue to "put up with" this young woman's laziness.

 

You admitted that you wouldn't want her to mother your children b/c she'd likely neglect them. You know you can find a higher quality woman who you won't have to remind to clean up her room. What's holding you back from making the break? What could a lazy 20-something, irresponsible young lady like your girlfriend have to offer you if she doesn't do anything to contribute to your household or to the relationship?

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What could a lazy 20-something, irresponsible young lady like your girlfriend have to offer you if she doesn't do anything to contribute to your household or to the relationship?

I guess sex and being pretty.

 

She is an "influencer" who makes money off social media, so she will be pretty/sexy.

She may not be making money in his league, but she will still be working hard on SM to make the hundreds of dollars she is currently making monthly from sponsors.

She will need to keep up with trends to keep her place with her "fans" and with sponsors. She needs to keep her eye on the ball, she can't do that if she is ironing socks and scrubbing floors...

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You have conditioned her to stay a child. For the last five years you have sheltered her from the real world and kept her from maturing. Now you want her to change. You have lots of money right? You could pay for counseling or you could pay her to leave.

 

Chances are you've been together long enough that her lawyer will be able to squeeze you anyway. If you offer the sum upfront it may cost you much less and the parting would be amicable which should mollify your conscience.

 

The debit to your checking account should teach you the lessons you wish to learn in order to avoid this situation in your next relationship.

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OP.

You earn crazy money yet you would rather fight and break up with your long term gf over household chores than pay for a maid/housekeeper.

Priorities...

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