Dating 4 years - some issues emerge - thoughts?

[fluidian]

I've been dating a great girl for a bit over 4 years, and living together for 2 - she's late 30s, I'm 40.

 

Things generally seem good, but every once in a while something rears it's head. In these occasions [one happened tonight - and say basically every 6-8 months - that may not quite be right, but it's not too common/not too rare], she says I'm selfish and that I don't listen to her, and it turns into a fiasco where she says "why is she doing this" (presumably why is she still in this relationship), then it subsides and things go back to being fine. The tough period usually last for a couple of hours, then the next day or two are a little less comfortable than normal, and then back to normal thereafter until the cycle repeats in 6-8 months. Besides this, we don't ever really fight.

 

The challenge I have is when we're having issues, she says a bunch of specific things, but then when I ask about those things to understand better, she says I'm not listening. I'm sure it's an accumulation of ongoing minor things that I'm doing that reach a temporary tipping point, but I basically can't ask her about specifics without her getting fussy, and consequently, I don't really know what to change, or what to work on. I'd have every intention of trying to fix things to make sure she's happy (as it crushes me when she's hurt), but I don't have a way of getting the information out of her to better understand the problem and change.

 

She's mentioned several times she wants to get married, have kids, etc., and I totally agree that the time is right [if not late] in terms of how long we've dated, our ages, stage in life, etc., but these types of issues surfacing give me pause.

 

What should I do? Have you ever been in a situation like this and successfully worked through it? What did you do? I'd love thoughts/comments. I'm thinking I should suggest therapy, but I'm not sure if that works, or if it would be helpful in this case (as I've never gone through it, so I'm not sure how it works).

 

Any thoughts/comments you have would be great. Thanks!

[chillii]

Sounds like every second female to me, so many of them seem to have a knack of coming out with that kinda stuff.

But she won't go into detail and get it out properly. frustrating.

Sounds like some resentment going on to me but if she won't talk about it well, good luck .

She wants you to just know , but if l had a dollar for every time l'd love my woman to just know, l'd be rich.

[S2B]

Yes, do couples therapy.

 

Be honest in therapy - it can’t be addressed without full disclosure. And don’t hold back. Let the counselor know you need help resolving resentments and working through disagreements. You two need help fighting fair.

 

And you need to see why she thinks you’re selfish so you can work on those defects. She needs to learn how to communicate without being mean and cruel.

 

End the relationship ship if it doesn’t improve. Life is too short to stay with anyone who is mean and rude while disagreeing and doesn’t intend to resolve issues. It builds animosity which has NO place in a loving relationship.

 

Find out where she learned this terrible habit. If she can’t change it then it may be just the way she was raised - it’s hard to unlearn family of origin. She has to want to change if it’s to work. Same way as you becoming less selfish and self centered.

 

You two have things to work on that are serious. Why have you waited 4 years?

[fluidian]

Thanks for the responses so far. I struggle with whether or not it is really bad behavior on her end, or her just dealing with something she doesn’t like for too long and then temporarily breaking down. I’d like it if there was more construction going on during these times, but she’s not really mean to me, it’s just evident it’s hard for her. That said - I’m emotionally tough and a lot bounces off, so it’s likely very easy for me to misread the interactions.

 

Communication is absolutely an issue. She says I don’t communicate well - it’s clearly a two way street, so there are issues on her end as well. That said - we’ve survived in a pretty happy place for over 4 years, so there’s obviously lots of good communication as well - but likely struggles when the topics get real/hard. Not willing to discuss the issues in depth; though, is an issue.

 

I’d still love to hear how some people have managed to work through this kind of thing, or if it’s an alarm to abandon ship, which I don’t want to do without being sure.

[Wanderlust2018]

Tough love her...listen, idle threats like “why am I doing this...?” are games. I’d seriously take issue with a statement like that. I would draw the hard line and tell her if she wants to talk about specifics, which it doesn’t sound like she has, then fine, but until then, STOP with the nonsense. She isn’t even telling you what the underlying “issue” is for her. Nobody is a mind reader and it isn’t difficult to articulate oneself or issues. Next time she said that, tell her go...call her bluff. No offense brother, but too many men these days want to be “pleasers.” There’s a ton of published articles on this... Be an alpha, and assert yourself with this woman.

[ajequals]

one things for certain you are who you are ...men don't really change. and for some reason women for a number of years in a relationship think they can change us. then they finally give up (about ten years down the road)

[Maggiemay1]

Sounds like pms to me lol!!

Your relationship sounds fine!

Even these blow ups only last a couple of hours !

 

You should count your lucky stars that it’s not monthly haha.

 

Whatever you do , do NOT ask her during these outbursts if she is pre menstrual.

That will create World War III!

 

Are you aware of her period pattern? Next time it happens , see if she gets her period a couple of days later lol

 

We honestly look back and think wow , who was I then?

[Blind-Sided]

..............

 

Are you aware of her period pattern? Next time it happens , see if she gets her period a couple of days later lol

 

We honestly look back and think wow , who was I then?

 

 

I agree with that. My 13yo, who has been getting hers for less that a year at this point... she will cry and get mad over basic things (like being out of Oreos) a few days prior.

 

 

Anyway... I would pause also. I just ended a 20 year relationship because of this. (well, she ended it, and ripped a family apart) On day, she snapped, and was mad. I was getting blamed for minor stuff going back to when we were dating. On of the big points was that I didn't change enough diapers when my oldest kid was a baby. (She's 13 now) When I asked why she didn't just say something to me back then, her answer was "I shouldn't have to." When I said I'm sorry, but I didn't know that's how you felt, and I'm her to help any way I can... her answer was "I needed you back then". (but I was, just doing other chores)

 

 

So, what I'm saying is... if she is already showing instability like that, where she is OPENLY questioning your life together, and she refuses to actually talk to you about it... then call her out on it next time, and tell her that she either needs to talk about it, and how to address her issues, or there will be no wedding in the future.

 

 

I know that's harsh, but do you really want to be married, have a couple kids, and have that volcano explode and end a family?

Edited August 17, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

She is late thirties.

She wants marriage and a kid and you have been dating 4 years.

It is very obvious what the core issue is.

Ask her to marry you or break up and stop wasting her precious time.

[Gretchen12]

But she's not laughing one minute and then for no reason start saying you're selfish etc. What events lead up to these incidents? For example the one tonight? And when she's saying those things are you silent? What did you say?

 

Since she seems to be saying the same thing each time, it's worth looking into. Saying you're selfish and why is she in this relationship, means she thinks she's contributing more than you, that the relationship is not balanced. For example, doing all the household chores.

 

If you want to discuss this issue, you should do it when you're both happy, not when you're upset.

[spiritedaway2003]

She is late thirties.

She wants marriage and a kid and you have been dating 4 years.

It is very obvious what the core issue is.

Ask her to marry you or break up and stop wasting her precious time.

 

^^^ This. Something you seriously need to think about OP.

[S2B]

What do you mean can you two get over it?

 

What do you two plan to DO to make things different?

 

Without therapy - things will likely stay the same/get worse.

 

If you want to stay with her - seek professional help.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[Versacehottie]

She's mentioned several times she wants to get married, have kids, etc., and I totally agree that the time is right [if not late] in terms of how long we've dated, our ages, stage in life, etc., but these types of issues surfacing give me pause. What should I do?

 

IMO bolded above is exactly why she is doing this. What are you waiting for? She sounds frustrated. I would probably agree with her. Sorry

 

I'm not sure you realize how lucky you have it. With your ages and how many years you've been together and she only freaks out for less than 24 hours every 6-8 months---some guys in similar situations are getting daily pressure haha. What are you waiting for?!?!? she sounds cool! I have a feeling if you proposed this issue is going to go away. Good luck

Edited August 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

I have the answer....put a ring on her damn finger....she's waited long enough!

[S2B]

No, getting married doesn’t solve incompatible issues.

 

Address the issues and make sure things change before considering marriage again.

 

Otherwise you’re just rewarding her bad behavior outbursts.

[Ruby Slippers]

DATING for FOUR YEARS? Dude, paint or get off the ladder. It's amazing she hasn't left you yet.

[BrennaR]

Get her a ring ASAP, because she will be gone next time you have the so called "blow up". 4 years is way overdue.

[olivetree]

I'm wondering if these blowups every 6-8 months are actually because you haven't put a ring on it too.

Her comments insinuating why she is still with you coincide with that.

If I'm right, she is keeping mum about it and won't say why she is upset because no one wants to be proposed to out of guilt.

 

Is she a good communicator when you disagree otherwise?

If so, then fighting every 6-8 months is a pretty damn good relationship.

Seems rather silly to me that they would give you pause on asking her to marry you, unless I'm missing something here.

[S2B]

I’m definitely think do NOT put a ring on her finger as long as the issues she is passive aggressive about have been resolved and she shows long term behavior changes!

 

Why would anyone get engaged to someone showing bad behavior - untilthey woek out their issues?

 

Sheez, our world seems backwards!

[Versacehottie]

idk...I don't know if i'd go as far as to call her passive aggressive. Don't think the OP put enough information about their fights that one could assess what the real issue is or what the personalities of each are. From his own words, she is frustrated and "doesn't even know why she is still with him". They happen only every 6-8 months, which is pretty close to "barely ever fighting". I mean no one is perfect and i think this is on the low end of the fighting couples do. Plus who knows if she only freaks out, which by his account she is over with pretty much the next day. I think a lot of people could manage this until forever really.

 

You do have a point that is she is doing it passive aggressively than they have stuff to work on. But i would 100% guess that OP is ignoring some of what she has spoken up about--and doing as he pleases (he seems like he might be clueless as to what makes her upset and doesn't look like he is doing much to get to the bottom of it; or i suspect he knows and isn't budging on his end, which to me points back to she is frustrating about where they are going as a couple, including their ages especially). So better communication is warranted on both ends--like almost every relationship.

 

I don't think just because one person is the one to have brought the issue to the forum, that this person is always the one in the right, i.e. not really going to just tell them what will make them feel invincible or in the right if that's not what I think is going on. I'd place a huge bet on the fact that he is as much as fault or more on this one--even with the lack of info. Immediate solution=ring, well, no, people are saying that half in jest, calling it out as the "problem" or reason she is getting angry or having "issues". Maybe he can expand on how/why these moments arise and a clearer picture of the real issue will also come out.