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notthatintome

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notthatintome

I was messaging a guy for some time and we decided to meet for a first date. It felt like we already had a virtual relationship and when i met him it was like we had known each other for years. We got on so well.

 

 

 

We went out drinking and because i hadn't eaten and I rarely drink, i got really drunk! I ended up being sick in his bathroom and stayed the night.

 

 

 

He was really sweet and said the most lovely things to me, it really did boost my self esteem no end.

 

 

 

The next day we had sex and lots of it too! I think i was still drunk from the night before! I stayed the day and when I left he messaged me saying how incredible i was and that he wanted to see me again. I met him again a few days later and we didn't go out, we just stayed in and watched TV ( i know this is what he normally does on a weekday) and only had sex once. It felt like he just wanted cuddles and closeness more than anything else.

 

 

We hung out (in bed) the whole of the next day watching TV, napping and then went for a coffee. He went to meet his friend and he asked if i wanted to join them, but i declined because i wanted to go home.

 

 

 

I felt massively overwhelmed. I just felt it had moved too quickly and that it had just become something i didn't want it to. I wondered if i was being used and i didn't like that feeling. It wasn't what i planned and I couldn't handle to reality of what it was. He is very good looking and has alot of female attention, I guess this is not a unique situation to him but that is me assuming.

 

 

 

I thought about it and sent him a message thanking him for his generosity (he paid for everything on our date and beyond) and that i felt uncomfortable with how things were and wished him all the best. He then called me asking why i felt uncomfortable. I replied that it had moved too quickly and that all i want to do is take is slowly and date. I said i thought he just wanted me for sex and that im not that person and am unable to give it to him. He said he liked me and was willing to do that. He said he was busy over the weekend but could do something in the week. I did make it clear that if that was not what he wanted then to just say and I would be fine with it. He said he wanted it. I was relieved and happy and I apologised for not having said something and that i just got scared.

 

 

 

I sent him a funny meme this morning to break the ice and he hasn't messaged/replied or made any contact. This is the first time since we started talking months ago.

 

 

 

Do you think he has ghosted me? Or is this his way of taking it slow?

 

 

I am so rubbish at dating, I have already messed it up by sleeping with him too soon, do i just need to bin it and learn from my mistake?

 

 

xxx

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So, you got drunk and virtually passed out sick at his house, had sex, dumped him... and now, you are freaking out because he’s not responding to your text.

 

My friend, you need to sit down and take a deep breath. It’s not unexpected that you would feel overwhelmed after having sex with a man for the first time. And you most definitely jumped in with two feet!

 

What’s done is done. Unfortunately, you can’t go back and change the events of that night. You can only look forward and right now, that means that you need to calm yourself.

 

Maybe he will text, maybe he won’t. Time will tell, all you can do now is wait.

 

Whatever happens, you will be fine.

 

Next time, lay off the drink and actually date a man before you have sex...

Edited by BaileyB
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If he does recontact you and you go out, let him know what pace you're comfortable with. He's not psychic. And you might tel him, let's go on a nondrinking date this time.

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If he does recontact you and you go out, let him know what pace you're comfortable with. He's not psychic. And you might tel him, let's go on a nondrinking date this time.

 

Non drinking and not at his house... Go out and actually date each other. Have some fun together.

 

He’s not “using you for sex” if you drive to his house, crawl into his bed to cuddle and watch movies...

 

I can appreciate that you are feeling vulnerable and unsure right now, but let’s try not to create problems where they do not exist.

Edited by BaileyB
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notthatintome

Thank you for your replies.

 

 

I feel alot calmer now and have let it go. I put myself in a very vulnerable situation and it was too much for me to handle.

 

 

If he calls then great but I very much doubt he will and i don't blame him. Only time will tell.

 

 

 

Huge lessons have been learned and i know that I would never make the same mistake again.

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notthatintome

He did end up messaging 3 days later. It was brief and some were nice but he said he was annoyed with me.

 

 

Then there was nothing for another 2 days and I decided to call him. There wasn't an answer but i think he was at work. So i sent a follow up message saying it would be great to talk to him but if not then I would completely understand and then at least i would know where i stood.

 

 

 

He tried to call but i missed it. I called back but he did not answer. And still nothing.

 

 

I don't know where to go from here. Its exactly what i didn't want and it is starting to make me a little anxious and upset. I just want to know at least then I can draw a line under it. But at the same time it would be nice to see where it would go. We did get on so well and i do think there could be something to build on but its just a terrible start and don't know if it can recover...I have missed him though and regret everything.

 

 

 

Any advice?

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Twizzlestick

You could just say what you’ve just written? Something like this. Something nice and light. Bare in mind no one wants “chats” and heaviness or slight unpleasantness early into dating. It’s a right bore and hard work. So kill it quickly in one line and get moved onto positivity. Perhaps..

 

“Hey up. I feel a bit of a wolly, we’ve had a bumpy old little start. What say we draw a line and start that properly (haha could be used here to lighten the tone even more). Fancy going to (a nice place), grab a bite to eat and see that new movie?”

 

You’re in a pickle right now, so it won’t make it worse.

 

The good thing is that message cuts to the core of the matter - what you want to say, it bundles the silliness that’s gone into a short line that’s put on the past, scythes through the dancing about, will winkle out his interest and offers a positive way forward on a plate. If he’s not into it he’ll bail. If he’s keen, he’ll snap your hand off.

 

Btw, choosing to sleep over and cuddling is not being “used” for sex. You make a choice but you know that in your boots right ;)

 

Good luck!

Edited by Twizzlestick
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notthatintome

 

The good thing is that message cuts to the core of the matter - what you want to say, it bundles the silliness that’s gone into a short line that’s put on the past, scythes through the dancing about, will winkle out his interest and offers a positive way forward on a plate. If he’s not into it he’ll bail. If he’s keen, he’ll snap your hand off.

 

/QUOTE]

 

 

Firstly, I tried to call him but there wasn't an answer. I messaged saying it would be great to talk to him but if not i would completely understand and at least then i knew where i stood. He tried to call but i missed it. I called back but he didn't answer. He messaged the next day to say he had fallen asleep.

 

 

After a few messages, which were cooler than usual, i suggested meeting up but he said he couldn't meet me because he had something on work related. It just felt like i was putting in alot of effort without getting much back. I took this as he is not that into it and just said to knock it on the head (politely) as it was becoming hard work. I said I had a lovely time and it still makes me smile but just wasn't meant to be and then i wished him all the best.

 

 

 

I was relieved when i sent it because the whole thing had made me quite anxious and I would rather not have that feeling and just be happy and alone with many lessons learned and a different approach to dating when i feel ready to go through it all again (definitely not yet).

 

 

 

He didn't reply and i just got on with life, happily.

 

 

 

He messaged today asking if 'we were ok?' and asked if i was mad with him. I replied 'not at all'. I was a little surprised to find this message. I said i wasn't. A few messages were exchanged and they were a lot warmer than they had been before. He asked me what i was doing over the weekend and i replied with the many things i had planned. I asked if he wanted to do something and gave him a couple of options. He gave his excuses once again and didn't offer an alternative. I was annoyed this time because i couldn't understand why he was bothering me again, almost like stringing me along and i cant be doing with it. So i replied that I was happy to leave it before was because he wasn't fussed about seeing me and that i wasn't annoyed. I then asked what did he want from me?

 

 

 

I know this is a bit aggressive and direct but its got to the point where i sick of playing games and that unless he wants to try properly, i simply don't want him around. I guess this also highlights i am not ready for this because its annoying me too much.

 

 

 

He didn't reply and i just want him to go away.

 

 

Tell me, is he playing a game? And why?

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Stop chasing him. Let him go. You messed up by sleeping with him too soon (plus getting drunk) and then you set the stage for fwb/casual relationship. But then you confused the guy by trying to turn it around and say you wanted something different! Trust me I did that early on when I went back to dating and you have to decide which you are going to be..the girl who sleeps with guys early on and MAYBE a relationship comes out of it or the girl who takes it slow, gets to know a guy and then sleeps with him once she assesses her own readiness (and his) for relationship potential. And STOP CHASING GUYS!!! Let this dude go. He isnt into it. Just move on and learn from your mistakes. Its okay it happens!

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notthatintome
Stop chasing him. Let him go. You messed up by sleeping with him too soon (plus getting drunk) and then you set the stage for fwb/casual relationship. But then you confused the guy by trying to turn it around and say you wanted something different! Trust me I did that early on when I went back to dating and you have to decide which you are going to be..the girl who sleeps with guys early on and MAYBE a relationship comes out of it or the girl who takes it slow, gets to know a guy and then sleeps with him once she assesses her own readiness (and his) for relationship potential. And STOP CHASING GUYS!!! Let this dude go. He isnt into it. Just move on and learn from your mistakes. Its okay it happens!

 

 

 

 

But i did let him go and was confused why he came back all kisses and hearts?! I followed the advice on here and i just wanted answers. I would rather know sooner than letting it drag on. And I got the answer i needed - that he wasn't interested - and so i ended it and moved on.

 

 

 

It threw me today as to why he would message like that again? And i am still do not know what his motivation was? But it has really annoyed me.

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But i did let him go and was confused why he came back all kisses and hearts?! I followed the advice on here and i just wanted answers. I would rather know sooner than letting it drag on. And I got the answer i needed - that he wasn't interested - and so i ended it and moved on.

 

 

 

It threw me today as to why he would message like that again? And i am still do not know what his motivation was? But it has really annoyed me.

 

I had guys do this to me too. The gaps in contact tells me that he interested in hooking up with you but thats it. He feels like if he sends you the occasional text then thats enough to make it “seem” like he is interested enough to get you back into his bed. Thats sort of the problem with sleeping with guys right away..its difficult to detect who is a player vs relationship material. And you may have (unknowingly) met a “relationship potential” guy but put yourself in the hookup only category based on your behavior. Most likely he wont be able to see you in another light therefore I would just move on and learn from the experience. Trust me I went through the same thing (coming off a divorce). Guys can very easily make it seem like they want a relationship to get you into bed (and even after that act sweet to get you coming back) but make sure actions match words. This guys DON’T.

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notthatintome
I had guys do this to me too. The gaps in contact tells me that he interested in hooking up with you but thats it. He feels like if he sends you the occasional text then thats enough to make it “seem” like he is interested enough to get you back into his bed. Thats sort of the problem with sleeping with guys right away..its difficult to detect who is a player vs relationship material. And you may have (unknowingly) met a “relationship potential” guy but put yourself in the hookup only category based on your behavior. Most likely he wont be able to see you in another light therefore I would just move on and learn from the experience. Trust me I went through the same thing (coming off a divorce). Guys can very easily make it seem like they want a relationship to get you into bed (and even after that act sweet to get you coming back) but make sure actions match words. This guys DON’T.

 

 

 

 

But that's the thing, he didn't even want to meet up with me? Not even for sex? I am just confused why he would message like that... maybe just to boost his ego? or to know i'm still there? Or to punish me after i ended it initially. Who knows?!

 

 

 

I felt good yesterday, and left with what remaining dignity i had left. Today i just feel like a fool.

 

 

 

It has really put me off dating and men and I just want to be single for a while. I know i won't be repeating this mistake ever, ever again. I just want him to go away and forget about it all.

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But that's the thing, he didn't even want to meet up with me? Not even for sex? I am just confused why he would message like that... maybe just to boost his ego? or to know i'm still there? Or to punish me after i ended it initially. Who knows?!

 

 

 

I felt good yesterday, and left with what remaining dignity i had left. Today i just feel like a fool.

 

 

 

It has really put me off dating and men and I just want to be single for a while. I know i won't be repeating this mistake ever, ever again. I just want him to go away and forget about it all.

 

Its to know you are still there and the possibility that he can keep you around in case he wants sex “someday.” I have guys who I slept with over 2 years ago (before I met my boyfriend) who would continue to message me despite knowing I was in a relationship. It drove my bf nuts and I ended up blocking then all because they were just meaningless texts.

 

Its a good idea to spend some time by yourself and assess what it is you really want. For yourself, in life, in a partner. Also do some self care. Work on boundary control. Read some books! I highly recommend “Why Men Love Bitches”

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notthatintome
Its to know you are still there and the possibility that he can keep you around in case he wants sex “someday.” I have guys who I slept with over 2 years ago (before I met my boyfriend) who would continue to message me despite knowing I was in a relationship. It drove my bf nuts and I ended up blocking then all because they were just meaningless texts.

 

Its a good idea to spend some time by yourself and assess what it is you really want. For yourself, in life, in a partner. Also do some self care. Work on boundary control. Read some books! I highly recommend “Why Men Love Bitches”

 

 

 

 

That's great thanks, i feel much better. He thinks he has some kind of hold on - well he definitely doesn't. i will read that book also - really need to take time and learn from this :)

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