Tomorrow is 'first date' but she might be about to flake!

[Jsaf29]

First of all, im in my mid 20's (as is she) and i've had my fair share of dates over the years, but i've never been flaked/ghosted before a date so this is all new to me. Naturally im clueless about how to react and what to do next.

 

Im just going to lay it all here so you know what i know.

 

2 weeks ago i was on weekend cruise with bunch of my friends and in the morning of the 2nd day, i met this girl who was hanging around my friends cabin (her friend had hooked up with my friend that ended up being a 1 night stand). We instantly got to talking and seemed to have pretty good chemistry. As the day went on and we returned on land we went to a karaoke bar together and had a pretty good time. She said she hit her eyes on me right away when we met and we had some great conversations. She opened up about some pretty personal things and stuff like that (we were lightly buzzed all day/night long) so she obviously felt like i was trustworthy. I ended up asking her out on a date and she said yes. We kissed a couple of times and she complimented me. Basically the mood was really good.

 

As we were going home (she lives quite near to me, like a few bus stops away) i asked if i should come over and she said she really wants to, but would like to keep that for the date. I agreed and went home. That's the last time i saw her.

 

The following day we texted a bit about her getting back her lost phone (she forgot it in a taxi) and then i told her i really enjoyed her company and proposed the date for the next friday. She took a full 24 hours to respond, saying she feels the same and is sorry about not responding sooner, was tired and all that. Told me that next week (which is now this week) would be better.

 

So over the course of last week, we exchanged a few texts, just some normal playful stuff and every time she took a long time to respond. I was like okay, this is starting to feel a little fishy. Her texts to me were all positive and not just short "ok haha" messages, but obviously in this day and age when you don't respond in the same day it usually means something.

 

So in my head i was like **** this, im just going to be forward and ask her about it, basically taking a risk fully prepared i might **** it up but i felt really strong about it for some reason. So i sent her something along the lines of "Hey, i feel i can be direct hope you don't mind, im sensing you're not quite into this thing based on how long you're taking to respond, if i had to guess you're probably seeing someone but it's complicated. I don't care if you're seeing other people because that's normal, but just would like to know if you're up for the date or not, it's my birthday next weekend so if we're not going out then i can start making other plans".

 

The next morning (last Sunday) she replied and said my suspicions were true. She has this thing with a dude (not a relationship) who currently lives overseas. Apparently it's really complicated and the sense i got was that things aren't going very well. Then SHE proposed the date for Saturday and said let's go out and celebrate your birthday. So i reserved a table in this really good restaurant i know which she agreed to.

 

Now this week on monday she sent me "great, looking forward to it". On tuesday i sent her a message about seeing this one girl outside my house who came talking to me, just a funny message (she was a random person on the cruise who did some really funny stuff) and i said what are the chances. Next day she responded with bunch of haha's and asked something about the situation, i answered.

 

Fast forward to today, and she has yet to respond to my latest message. Last night i sent her a playful text of looking forward to the date and she hasn't responded. Basically 3 days of radio silence right now.

 

And here we are. And i need advice on what to do next.

Basically she knows it's my birthday tomorrow, we have a dinner reservation, and it's a day she proposed to me not the other way around. So flaking on me now would be a pretty big ******* move. There's probably quite a bit pressure on her if she's thinking about backing down.

 

But i also like to mention that i really like this girl, and i don't mind waiting a bit knowing that things might be a bit messy on her end right now. So if she does end up flaking, i'll just find something else to do and i won't be too mad about it. In a normal situation if this happened out of the blue i'd probably just move on. But sometimes timing is everything, and if there's a chance couple weeks from now she feels differently i don't want to close that door.

 

So how should i handle this? I don't want to send another text because that would be me texting 4 times in a row. I kinda want to know if it's just the other thing with that other guy that's blowing up on her face right now, or if she's just lost attraction. But i don't know if asking that directly this time is the right approach.

 

And how in general should i react, if she ends up flaking, or even worse, just not even letting me know at all and keeps ignoring me even over the date.

 

Thanks guys !! I know it was a long write-up.

[Flame Aura]

Oh dear...

 

When a woman tells you she has something going on with someone else after you called her out on her lack of interest... the LAST thing you do is book a fancy restaurant somewhere.

 

She is not responding to you for a reason, because she's just not that into you.

 

Do not fall for the mistake that because she kissed you and talked to you on the cruise etc that means she wants to date you and be your girlfriend. It doesn't.

 

Off course she offered Saturday, she could sense you were thinking about cutting things off, so she offered it to rope you back in and stay in her orbit. She likes the attention. A lot of girls do.

 

What you should do is firstly cancel this dinner reservation. Arrange something with your friends instead for your birthday. Send her one LAST message saying 'Hey didn't hear back from you so I've arranged to celebrate tomorrow with my buddies instead, have a great weekend!'

 

You then completely forget about her. If she wants to contact you, she will. Your chasing is over though. Do not waste any more time on her.

[PRW]

You should have just shut up and showed up for the date.

 

Things were just fine till you started poking around and stirred up a bunch of drama crap because you were needy and insecure about how quick she responded to a text. At this point even if you actually get the date it is not likely to go anywhere. You probably won't get a 2nd one. You have already demonstrated that you will lose your sh*t over something as trivial as a seeming late response to a text. She will figure that you will end up being a drama gueen in her life which makes the "other guy" look a whole lot better to her.

Edited August 16, 2019 by PRW

[Jsaf29]

Oh dear...

 

When a woman tells you she has something going on with someone else after you called her out on her lack of interest... the LAST thing you do is book a fancy restaurant somewhere.

 

She is not responding to you for a reason, because she's just not that into you.

 

Do not fall for the mistake that because she kissed you and talked to you on the cruise etc that means she wants to date you and be your girlfriend. It doesn't.

 

Off course she offered Saturday, she could sense you were thinking about cutting things off, so she offered it to rope you back in and stay in her orbit. She likes the attention. A lot of girls do.

 

What you should do is firstly cancel this dinner reservation. Arrange something with your friends instead for your birthday. Send her one LAST message saying 'Hey didn't hear back from you so I've arranged to celebrate tomorrow with my buddies instead, have a great weekend!'

 

You then completely forget about her. If she wants to contact you, she will. Your chasing is over though. Do not waste any more time on her.

 

Thanks, what i needed to hear!

 

Yeah, when she proposed the date to be honest i wasn't even thinking about her possibly just being nice. I'll be the first to admit i was still looking things through rose-tinted glasses and was still feeling a little too high over the day we first met. I didn't think that just because she told me that it would be overly serious, but you probably have a point.

 

I'll take your advice and do just that.

[alphamale]

you have a lot to learn about women Jsaf

[Jsaf29]

You should have just shut up and showed up for the date.

 

Things were just fine till you started poking around and stirred up a bunch of drama crap because you were needy and insecure about how quick she responded to a text. At this point even if you actually get the date it is not likely to go anywhere. You probably won't get a 2nd one. You have already demonstrated that you will lose your sh*t over something as trivial as a seeming late response to a text. She will figure that you will end up being a drama gueen in her life which makes the "other guy" look a whole lot better to her.

 

That's how it usually goes with me. But in this case i don't agree that asking once, after it happens systematically is a bad thing, i don't feel like i came across as needy or anything like that. She's not stupid and im sure realizes her behavior wasn't exactly normal. And there wasn't any drama, i didn't make a big deal about it.

 

Maybe i wouldn't have done it with a different person, but the way we were able to openly talk about things in person i felt like she is the type of woman who isn't going to be weirded out or overanalyze me because of it like you described.

 

In any case, what's done is done. If she wants to see me in the future she'll contact me.

[alphamale]

i don't feel like i came across as needy or anything like that. ...

 

[preraph]

I don't think you did or said anything wrong and it was all refreshingly straightforward.

 

All you can do is wait and see if she turns up for your birthday. She might not like to set the precedent for daily texting or whatever. Just wait and see and I really hope she doesn't mess up your birthday for you.

 

And just because she has a thing for someone overseas doesn't mean he has a thing for her. Lord, I've had a thing for someone or other my entire life without it ever culminating in becoming a couple. Most women have someone they have their eye and, and just like with most men, they are often out of their league and unattainable.

 

Can you at least put your mom on notice that you're not sure your date is going to go so that if it doesn't, you can go over there and get some good Mom birthday cake? Or you can just come here and spend it with us.

[Gretchen12]

It's your own birthday, you can celebrate it any day of the year whenever you feel like it. (Few people realize this. Ha!)

 

I think you just trust that she'll come through. And if she doesn't then she's too crappy of a person to be with you. If she flakes on this one, it shows who she is and that should help you to forget her.

[PRW]

But in this case i don't agree that asking once, after it happens systematically is a bad thing, i don't feel like i came across as needy or anything like that.

No, you were needy and insecure.

 

Anyway, all I can do it point things out, nothing more. Again, you should have just kept quiet, showed up for the date. She could have dumped the other guy on your behalf without telling you. You wouldn't have known the difference (would never know he existed), and wouldn't need to have known. You either would or wouldn't have gotten 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc date but that would have been separate issues to deal with.

 

She isn't going to make a counter offer on the day and make the other offers she did just to be "nice". There would still be a little something there, although I'm sure she is secretly rolling her eyes at how much trouble and drama has been created. It would have been far easier and far more expected for her to just outright cancel on you much earlier in this process (but she didn't).

 

All that said, if I was a gambling man I would say she would, due to the extra drama, cancel on you before the date and it is all over with her. If she keeps the date she is far more patient than many women I know.

[smackie9]

**As soon as she said "oh there's this guy...." you should have bailed right then and there. End of.

 

Dude she had a little fun with you on the cruise because she was on vacation, being buzzed, feeling warn and fuzzy, sharin a good time with you BUT when the fog clears it "Omg what was I thinking?"

 

She clearly gave you the runaround....saw that coming from here....and she gave you the "there's another guy" excuse to shoo you away. She not into you, that spark you guys had on deck fizzled out by the next morning.

[gimlynick]

I would suggest that you go to the restaurant, but ask a very good friend if he is ready to join you if the girl doesn't show up?

 

That way you have a nice dinner with one of your best friends and your evening isn't ruined!

 

But let's hope for the best

[ExpatInItaly]

I would cancel that reservation and make other plans, OP. Don’t wait to see if she shows up. Let her know it’s been canceled, sure, but don’t waste your birthday night waiting around in hopes she might pull through.

 

As soon as she told you she has a thing with someone else, that was your cue to drop this one. She wouldn’t have mentioned him if he wasn’t already taking up too much rent in her mind. It doesn’t matter much if he’s reciprocating; the point is that you are not the one she’s most interested in.

[preraph]

What you might do is call or text one time maybe four hours prior and say, Hey, haven't heard from you, so if we are still on, please let me know within the hour because otherwise, I'll cancel our plans and make plans with friends for my birthday.

[PRW]

What you might do is call or text one time maybe four hours prior and say, Hey, haven't heard from you, so if we are still on, please let me know within the hour because otherwise, I'll cancel our plans and make plans with friends for my birthday.

It comes across like a threat. She will cancel immediately even if she wasn't already going to.

[spiderowl]

I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP, you sound like a decent guy.

 

Her not responding to a text for three days is poor. At that point, she was showing a lack of interest. I don't think you should have bothered to contact her again.

 

She has offered to meet you Saturday for a meal. I think you have to assume she will show up or cancel. If you cancel, just let her know you hadn't heard from her so assumed she would not be coming to the meal. Wish her all the best and then move on.

 

She is not behaving very well. She should respond to you if she likes you and wants to date you. The fact that she is not responding well is a red flag. I think even though you really liked her, she would just mess you about.

[dispatch3d]

I would never nowadays schedule a first date for a time that I thought was important to me, like a birthday or something. I've been flaked on WAY more than they show up, but whatever I guess I can see where you are coming from.

[Maggiemay1]

OP,

I realise others have said you haven’t done anything wrong but imo you have!

You have disrespected yourself in favour of a girl you only met once. Why?

 

She is not replying in a timely manner that you expect. That’s fine. If you don’t like it then lose it. But don’t pull her up about it after only one meet?

When she said next week will be better , you should have said sorry , it’s my birthday and I have plans!

 

Cancel the dinner unless you want to be forever called Bridget Jones.

 

Don’t tell her. You owe her nothing. If she messages to check up on plans , then say you cancelled as you hadn’t heard from her and have made plans with friends for your birthday.

[Jsaf29]

OP,

I realise others have said you haven’t done anything wrong but imo you have!

You have disrespected yourself in favour of a girl you only met once. Why?

 

She is not replying in a timely manner that you expect. That’s fine. If you don’t like it then lose it. But don’t pull her up about it after only one meet?

When she said next week will be better , you should have said sorry , it’s my birthday and I have plans!

 

You are right, regardless of how much/little she might've sensed it, there's no denying in my head this is true. Probably because couple months ago something really good ended in a pretty ****ty fashion and i was really looking forward for something new, even if it was just for one night.

 

She hasn't contacted me today still (it's 1pm) so im just going to assume nothing is going to happen and move on.

 

Meanwhile another girl who i've been hooking up a couple times over the last couple months, but haven't really texted much at all, sent me a good birthday message

 

Go figure.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the replies guys! Was interesting to read all these different perspectives.

Edited August 17, 2019 by Jsaf29

[Jsaf29]

Okay so update; she sent a long text saying she's been really ill this week and apologized for not responding earlier. She said she'd still really like to see me and wished me happy birthday.

 

I don't doubt that she's been sick (there seemed to be some virus going around on the cruise as my friends have also gotten something) but obviously that's not an excuse for not contacting me earlier. Im not a priority for her rn that's clear.

 

That said, i think i've also lost some of that initial "high" and don't really have any big hopes or expectations for this girl. However, i wouldn't mind still seeing her for a good time.

 

Any tips on how i should respond? There's obviously no way im going to text back "okay fine, how about day X". I guess this would be a good time to turn the tables a little bit and make up for whatever mistakes i made earlier.

[notthatintome]

I would forget her and move on. She clearly does not respect you enough to message you on your birthday after she had made plans. Ill or not ill that is not a good excuse to let someone down like that. She feels she can because you are a pushover. I would reply no problem and leave it there. If she wants to see you, let her do the work.

 

 

In the meantime, meet new people and date them. This one is a lost cause.

[Jsaf29]

Can you at least put your mom on notice that you're not sure your date is going to go so that if it doesn't, you can go over there and get some good Mom birthday cake? Or you can just come here and spend it with us.

 

Funny enough, this gave me the inspiration to do something for my dear mom who i haven't done enough for a long time, so im going to take her to that dinner tonight !

[Gretchen12]

Funny enough, this gave me the inspiration to do something for my dear mom who i haven't done enough for a long time, so im going to take her to that dinner tonight !

 

Goood idea for your birthday because on the day of your birth your mother went through a lot.