How to Keep From Getting Attached Too Quickly

[Physx]

I am a single older adult (40s) and have a serious problem with getting attached to people WAY too quickly. I always try to look for the best in people and am a very emotional person. To make matters worse, I am looking for "the one," so when I start to think that I may have finally found them after all these years, I get VERY excited and start to toss all my eggs in that one basket.

 

I know that getting attached too fast makes me far more susceptible to getting hurt. At the same time, while I am aware of it, I don't know how to throttle my emotions? I can't and won't serial date, so spreading it out amongst multiple people won't work. I feel extremely guilty if I date more than one person at a time.

 

 

I tried keeping more distance for some time after the first date, like just talking here and there for a while and waiting a week or so for another date. Even then, I still end up getting attached faster than is wise to do and haven't found a way to stop it from happening.

 

 

With that said, I am open to suggestions on ways to throttle those emotions when getting to know someone?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Counseling is the only way to fix it. You have some unresolved emotional needs going on. You need to learn to love yourself and be whole. Feeling half empty drives your need to form attachments, as a way to prop yourself up.

I have totally been there.

[Physx]

You need to learn to love yourself and be whole. Feeling half empty drives your need to form attachments, as a way to prop yourself up.

 

Thanks, but I do love myself. My desire to find "the one" is because I love doing things for others. I love having someone to share my time with. I love the notion of going through life with someone there by my side, to laugh with, to cry with, etc. The thing is that when I am alone, I don't care about doing things for myself. What fulfills me is doing things for others and making others happy. And more than anything, I enjoy doing things for a significant other.

 

But, I do think you are right about discussing it with a counselor. Maybe they can bring this to light.

Edited August 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[manfrombelow2]

Your biggest problems so far are the facts that you think there is "The One" out there and that you have the tendency to emotionally invest into someone too much & too quickly.

 

Hence your 40 years plus of suffering until this day.

Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PRW]

I can't and won't serial date, so spreading it out amongst multiple people won't work. I feel extremely guilty if I date more than one person at a time.

Then you just won't accomplish what you want. It isn't "serial dating". It is just acknowledging that you are not BF/GF yet and that you both have the freedom to see other people. Even if it is only one other person or even no other person and long as you keep the mindset that you have the freedom to do it if you want.

 

It is not serial dating, it is not multi-dating, those are just names that those who reject the idea call it. What it REALLY is, is just simply Casual Dating with the emphasis on Casual and the acknowledgement that you are not BF/GF at that time. When you comprehend that, then you understand why you have the freedom to date others during that early period.

 

Your "cure" is in the acknowledgment that you have "options" ("The One" is a myth). Refusal of that is dooming yourself to failure.

[divegrl]

The greatest joy in your life will come when you figure out the “one” is YOU.

 

This behavior you describe is codependent.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!!

[shydad]

I am open to suggestions on ways to throttle those emotions when getting to know someone?

Hi Physx, you have a great understanding of yourself, which means you can better control your own actions. Weekly dating is good. Matching the pace of the other person's messages or calls would be good too. I'm not quite sure how to throttle your feelings, but if you're feeling like you need to smother the other person, don't. Come here instead to talk about it. I think getting attached is ok, as that is the point of dating (for most people), but be careful not to scare off your love interest.

 

Are you currently dating someone, or are you getting prepared to date?

[Physx]

Only have a minute before work, but thanks so much for all the feedback. Definitely going to check out those videos when I get home from work today.

 

As far as "the one" it is simply my beliefs. I'm not religious, I'm spiritual. I believe in twin flames, mainly because I have seen two relationships that describe it to a T. Their relationships are amazing, and right off the bat, their was amazing chemistry in both of those relationships. They weren't dating around - the feelings they had between each other was powerful enough that they only had eyes for each other right off the bat.

 

I think a part of my problem maybe is wanting to find it so badly that I overlook the signs that certain people simply aren't it. But, while I understand and respect the comments stating I shouldn't see things that way, if I were to give up on the concept of twin flames, I'd also have to give up on my entire spiritual belief system. I'm not quite ready to do that yet, as if spirituality doesn't exist, then life is pointless imo, as we are only here temporarily, then we blink out and cease to exist, so none of it mattered in the end anyway. That's a gross oversimplification, but hopefully makes ta least a little sense.

 

Additionally, as far as the serial dating, I just can't do it. If I start dating someone and we're getting to know one another and I know they are still exploring other options, I lose interest. I wonder why I am not good enough for them to be taking the time to get to know me more and instead still seeing if the grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe that is ridiculous, but it's how I feel based on past relationships and just my personal feelings.

 

Additionally, if I really like someone enough for them to make it past the first date (which most don't because I am very picky), I only have an interest in that one person. That's just a part of who I am. When I have time to talk to someone (outside of my kids, friends, and family), I only care to spend it getting to know them better. I simply lose any interest in talking to other women at that point if they have caught my interest to that extent. The problem I find though is that most of them caught my interest by putting on an act to be what they know I want, rather than who they are.

 

The most amazing relationships I've had in the past were ones where there was amazing chemistry right off the bat, we focused on developing a relationship with each other (and not what else might be out there), and it flourished. The problem I have initially is that I try to see that in everyone and I'm not realistic. I idealize people and overlook the fact that in the beginning, things may not be what they seem. More often than not, people lie to pretend to be what you want them to be, or to hide things about themselves that they are embarrassed about. Then, I find out their true colors and that I was emotionally investing into someone who was pretending to be someone they aren't, I get hurt, etc.

 

If people were actually honest from the start, I wouldn't have the problems I do. I just don't know the best way to safeguard myself initially in case the person is not being genuine.

 

But anyway, thanks again all, have to head to work, but I am definitely thinking about everything all of you said on here and REALLY appreciate the help. I hope all of you have a great day.

[Foxhall]

It could be good in one sense, if you do meet the right person you will probably be better at driving the relationship forward,

 

and you may perhaps be better at "connecting with people" in general anyway which puts you on the front foot.

 

to answer your question, I would say convince yourself you are happy single and that you do not necessarily need a partner for happiness,

 

I think you need to be more patient,the other thread I just looked at where the person is searching for the unicorn,

 

you know finding the special person, you might meet one or two very compatible in a year, you might meet the unicorn once every five years only,

 

so programme yourself to be patient!

[Gaeta]

I believe in twin flames

You are too old to believe in none-sense like this.

 

mainly because I have seen two relationships that describe it to a T.

We are 7.5 billion on this planet but because you've seen this 'twin-flame' twice then it's the proof that's how the world goes around.

 

Their relationships are amazing, and right off the bat, their was amazing chemistry in both of those relationships. They weren't dating around - the feelings they had between each other was powerful enough that they only had eyes for each other right off the bat.

That's called infatuation. Sometimes it last, most of the time it dies out when the butterflies settle.

 

if I were to give up on the concept of twin flames, I'd also have to give up on my entire spiritual belief system.

Thought every person caught in cults. Spirituality exist under many other forms than this one. Find one that sticks with reality example Buddhism would teach you a great deal here on how you have no control over anything in this life but yourself and it'll teach you no matter the outcome life will go on and you'll be ok.

 

The most amazing relationships I've had in the past were ones where there was amazing chemistry right off the bat, we focused on developing a relationship with each other (and not what else might be out there), and it flourished.

and yet it died didn't it. Again, infatuation. Chemistry/butterflies is a chemical in the brain, it's not a way to pick a long term partner.

 

If people were actually honest from the start, I wouldn't have the problems I do. I just don't know the best way to safeguard myself initially in case the person is not being genuine.

Most people are honest from the start, only it's their truth. We have a vision of ourselves so that's what we present. Only TIME will tell us if the man is honest, patient, generous, compatible.

 

 

 

 

.

[kendahke]

With that said, I am open to suggestions on ways to throttle those emotions when getting to know someone?

 

Live in the present/now and quit investing in a future-fantasy that may not pan out.]

 

A better set of videos to watch would be Derrick Jaxn, Chaz Ellis and Terri Cole and out of these three, Terri Cole, who is a licensed therapist, is who you should be watching/listening to, with Jaxn a close second.

Edited August 16, 2019 by kendahke

[Lotsgoingon]

I know that getting attached too fast makes me far more susceptible to getting hurt. At the same time, while I am aware of it, I don't know how to throttle my emotions? I can't and won't serial date, so spreading it out amongst multiple people won't work. I feel extremely guilty if I date more than one person at a time.

 

Most likely some deeper issues. Have you tried therapy. Feeling guilty for "dating" multiple people is about the same as feeling guilty for going on multiple job interviews.

 

You don't owe anyone anything ... until the relationship develops. Going out with multiple people to SEE if there is a connection ... would absolutely be good for you.

 

In the meantime you have to activate your analytical brain ... you need to think critically ... make the critical brain work ... remind yourself that there is no love that solves all our problems. There is no perfect person out there. This person you're feeling intoxicated with right now ... has all kinds of flaws (they're human) ... and they have quirks that you simply are not seeing yet. You have to remind yourself of that.

 

Don't feed the infatuation. Avoid love songs ... stop day-dreaming ... put limits on it. Do not trust your infatuation-intoxication.

 

But the guilt about multiple dating (dating is getting to know someone) shows some real work in therapy could help you. You have any guilt about hanging out with multiple friends during a week?

[shydad]

If you google search "serial dater", it's not particularly flattering to those who do it.

[basil67]

While I can't relate to the twin flame thing, I can relate to the other things you're describing. The trick is to enjoy those early days, but remind yourself to not get carried away.

 

When I met my hubby, we clicked very quickly. We only saw each other - and he was so keen that he cancelled an overseas contract so that he could give us the best shot. Those early days were glorious. However - and here's the thing - I allowed myself to enjoy it and daydream about what could be, but I would remind myself that it's early days and it will be a good year or so before I truly know who he is. That was 27 years ago and we're still good.

 

Enjoy the journey, but constantly remind yourself that you won't really know who they are for six months or more.

[emeraldgreen]

Come on, Morpheus. The one is not real. There's a series of ones until the one you end up with. You have no control over that, only how you conduct yourself at each stage. Your search is predicated on fallacy so the first step is an overhaul of mindset, an openness to abundance, and a desire to enjoy the process rather than the result.

[Physx]

Thanks again for all the feedback here. Definitely some great food for thought.

 

And many of you are absolutely right in the fact that I need to keep my head straight and be more realistic in the beginning. It takes time to get to know someone, and I need to stop thinking that after a few dates or even after a few weeks, I am seeing the big picture.

 

I think a part of the reason I do it is because of how picky I am. I have a ridiculous amount of criteria and I know it. High intelligence, dark taste but a good heart (like a Morticia/Gomez type of thing), and more. So, one of those types that I *might* be compatible with only comes along once maybe every couple of months. So, when I finally find one of them, I get all excited.

 

It's just that after searching all these years to no avail, my heart is exhausted. I just want the search to be over and finally have someone who isn't a liar, who isn't selfish, who doesn't have a collection of serious psychological issues, who respects me, etc.

 

And even if twin flames aren't real, the notion of finding someone you are so compatible with that others around you can "feel" that love does exist. I just can't settle down with someone when I know it is less than what I truly want. I have had decent relationships in the past, but all of them lacked something. Two of them, me and my partner just grew apart. Regardless, it would just be nice to have someone to grow with that would actually keep up and grow and progress *with* me.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This takes a lot of practice and patience. I got burned pretty bad a couple of times before making myself not get attached. I stopped having expectations and started multi dating. Until my current partner, I was talking to a bunch of guys and that way I never got attached to any until I knew for sure he was genuine.

[Gretchen12]

Ok you can have your twin flames but let's put some logic into this.

 

1. You've been wrong before. A rational person learns from her mistake. What is supposed to happen is that you learn to be more cautious. It's idiotic to keep grabbing the hot iron and saying "ouch" only to grab it again.

 

2. Your "twin flame" is not just a certain type. He should be good for you with logic to back it up. You should be more selective, but be selective with facts. If a man really is a good man (it'll take time to learn this fact), go ahead, get attached! But you've been attaching to intangibles, and your gut feelings have been wrong! That's a dishonesty.

 

3. You need to also take responsibility for the failed relationships. It takes two. I don't think you can dismiss them by saying they were all wolves in sheep's clothing. In certain personality disorders, the person will put someone on a pedastal only to quickly discard him later. Be aware.

 

There are 3 challenges in relationships: meeting, getting into a committed relationship, keep it long term. The third is by far the most difficult. It takes patience, forgiveness, compromise. But also, understanding of human nature, so that you make sure there is balance and respect.

 

How sad would it be if you found your twin flame but you lack the skills to make it work? It's not magic. Everyone works at LTR. Couples together 50 or 60 years still in love will tell you.

 

4. You're lonely. And you're not young. It's ok to feel lonely, you just need to be aware of how it can affect you when you meet someone with potential.

[Physx]

Most likely some deeper issues. Have you tried therapy. Feeling guilty for "dating" multiple people is about the same as feeling guilty for going on multiple job interviews.

 

You don't owe anyone anything ... until the relationship develops. Going out with multiple people to SEE if there is a connection ... would absolutely be good for you.

 

In the meantime you have to activate your analytical brain ... you need to think critically ... make the critical brain work ... remind yourself that there is no love that solves all our problems. There is no perfect person out there. This person you're feeling intoxicated with right now ... has all kinds of flaws (they're human) ... and they have quirks that you simply are not seeing yet. You have to remind yourself of that.

 

Don't feed the infatuation. Avoid love songs ... stop day-dreaming ... put limits on it. Do not trust your infatuation-intoxication.

 

But the guilt about multiple dating (dating is getting to know someone) shows some real work in therapy could help you. You have any guilt about hanging out with multiple friends during a week?

 

 

I don't f*ck my friends, nor am I building an intimate relationship with them on a deep emotional level. You attempting to label me as "something wrong" because I don't want to be a slut is pretty disgusting. I don't think that *I* am the one needing counseling for that one there...

 

I have seen MUCH more negative feedback from psychologists about serial dating than I have seen positive. And I actually discussed the matter with a psychologist just yesterday that I met with. She made it quite clear that anyone giving you advice that you should date multiple people rather than focus on one person at a time is someone you should NOT take advice from.

 

I mean I appreciate the overall feedback here, but I would appreciate people not using this thread as a pulpit to promote promiscuity from. There's nothing "wrong" with someone who chooses to not be promiscuous. Just like you are entitled to be what I honestly view as a slut, I am entitled to not be a slut, and there's nothing "wrong" with that.

 

Your analogies there are completely irrelevant to one another. And if after you took a job, that company finds out you're still looking around job seeking, they could see you as an unsafe investment and drop you. As a regional manager, I have done that exact thing to employees that weren't committed to our company. So based on your analogy, that's a good way to lose someone who knows their self-worth and knows they're better than being just one of many people you're out gallivanting with.

Edited August 29, 2019 by Physx

[Physx]

Ok you can have your twin flames but let's put some logic into this.

 

1. You've been wrong before. A rational person learns from her mistake. What is supposed to happen is that you learn to be more cautious. It's idiotic to keep grabbing the hot iron and saying "ouch" only to grab it again.

 

2. Your "twin flame" is not just a certain type. He should be good for you with logic to back it up. You should be more selective, but be selective with facts. If a man really is a good man (it'll take time to learn this fact), go ahead, get attached! But you've been attaching to intangibles, and your gut feelings have been wrong! That's a dishonesty.

 

3. You need to also take responsibility for the failed relationships. It takes two. I don't think you can dismiss them by saying they were all wolves in sheep's clothing. In certain personality disorders, the person will put someone on a pedastal only to quickly discard him later. Be aware.

 

There are 3 challenges in relationships: meeting, getting into a committed relationship, keep it long term. The third is by far the most difficult. It takes patience, forgiveness, compromise. But also, understanding of human nature, so that you make sure there is balance and respect.

 

How sad would it be if you found your twin flame but you lack the skills to make it work? It's not magic. Everyone works at LTR. Couples together 50 or 60 years still in love will tell you.

 

4. You're lonely. And you're not young. It's ok to feel lonely, you just need to be aware of how it can affect you when you meet someone with potential.

 

Thank you, and you make some really great points here. I have read up extensively on multiple relationship books, my favorite being Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman et al. I do know how to make a relationship work. The problem is that I also refuse to be taken for granted.

 

Last relationship didn't work out because she took me for granted and never respected me. She would do things behind my back, lie about having done them, and overall make decisions that impacted our family (we were living together and raising our kids together) without ever even considering my feelings on the matters, let alone asking me or telling me in advance.

 

The one prior to that was with a sociopath who took advantage of my kindness to manipulate me. She completely destroyed me three years ago and I am STILL picking up some of the pieces of my life from what she did.

 

Ones prior to that didn't work out for a number of reasons. One relationship, we simply grew apart. Another relationship, she put on an act to win me over, but then the act eventually faded, and the "real her" was not compatible with me.

 

Not every relationship I have had has been a train-wreck, and I am well aware of my own shortcomings that contributed to them.

 

In my latest experiences, everyone wants to keep exploring to see if the grass is greener somewhere else. To me, that's just insulting. The thing is, I even make it clear to people that I do NOT serial date, and that I do not care to date a serial dater. They lie and claim they don't, but then I later come to find out that they most certainly do, so I lose interest.

 

In my opinion, if someone has a genuine interest in you, there is no reason to have to keep looking around. Your extra time you have can be spent trying to build something with them. And if someone wants to continue looking for other better options after a few dates with me, then I do not want that person. Even the psychologist I started dating confirmed there is nothing wrong with feeling that way, and that if someone is worth my time, since I make it clear in the beginning what I want, they should respect that and either walk away or not go sleeping all around town behind my back while dating me.

 

I don't get how someone doesn't see that as disgusting. I go and meet up with someone I have been dating for a few weeks, go and kiss them, and I am also kissing someone else's semen from a guy they just blew? Absolutely, 100% repulsive. I do NOT want someone who is fooling around with other people while dating me. And even if they aren't fooling around with them, I still don't care to have emotional promiscuity.

 

I know this wanders off on a bit of a tangent from the quoted post, just ties into some of it. But again, I appreciate your advice, and I do know I need to make more effort to be more realistic about the fact that I don't truly know that person until LONG after I have met them. Even if they don't intentionally hide things about themselves, there are certain aspects of themselves they may not even be aware of that I may not see until later on too. Just so disheartening that so many people play so many games, even when you flat out tell them what you want.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

With that said, I am open to suggestions on ways to throttle those emotions when getting to know someone?

 

This takes a lot of practice. When I started OLD, I got attached really early on and was crapped on quite a but. I stopped having any expectations and was able to separate myself a little until the one came along.

 

 

Don't feel guilty about multi dating. I used to, but not anymore. Until there is talk of exclusivity, you don't owe anyone anything. I was in several situations where the guy wanted me to not date anyone else, only to turn around and dump w/"I'm not ready for a relationship". I learned pretty quick that multi dating was the way to go. Don't get me wrong, leading someone on is bad, so if I wasn't into a guy, I let him know right away.

[dramallama]

 

In my opinion, if someone has a genuine interest in you, there is no reason to have to keep looking around. Your extra time you have can be spent trying to build something with them. And if someone wants to continue looking for other better options after a few dates with me, then I do not want that person. Even the psychologist I started dating confirmed there is nothing wrong with feeling that way, and that if someone is worth my time, since I make it clear in the beginning what I want, they should respect that and either walk away or not go sleeping all around town behind my back while dating me.

 

I don't get how someone doesn't see that as disgusting. I go and meet up with someone I have been dating for a few weeks, go and kiss them, and I am also kissing someone else's semen from a guy they just blew? Absolutely, 100% repulsive. I do NOT want someone who is fooling around with other people while dating me. And even if they aren't fooling around with them, I still don't care to have emotional promiscuity.

 

 

 

Gosh you have some strong views. I've been a serial monogamist all my life (39, divorced) but I'm trying multi-dating and I don't believe that having a coffee with more than one man in a week makes me promiscuous! I understand you might not like the idea that someone could be intimate with someone else, but then you talk to people about their morals and boundaries etc. I'm talking to and meeting more than one person but I like to know who I'd need to call should I have an accident so I'm not going to go sleeping with more than one person at once.

 

 

 

I don't think it's realistic to expect that a woman who isn't lonely, damaged or lacking in choice is going to have one date with someone and foresake all others immediately. It takes time to see beyond initial nerves and attempts to impress, and see what someone is actually like. And when I posted about the guy who asked to be exclusive at the end of the first date everyone said RED FLAG. So I think you're in the minority. The world has changed, we either catch up with it or not.

 

 

 

And why do you hold so much store in what one pyschologist said? She's one. If you spend any time with any medical professionals (mental health or otherwise) you'll realise they all disagree with each other about everything!

 

 

 

I think you'd do better meeting people IRL and letting a relationship develop out of friendship. People who are OLD aren't often going to agree with your views.

[BrennaR]

I am a little bit confused, you say you get attached too quickly yet you have a huge list of criteria to which will "turn you off" pretty much any modern woman. And no, women are not multi-dating and going from one hookup to another, one would have to have some kind of emotional damage to be doing that. I would be careful about where you get your imagery from.

 

I sense there is some serious commitment phobia although there is also a desire for closeness. There are issues there. I would do check out Jeb Kinnison work and see if you can make any sense with the different attachment styles and where you fall. And see if you can find help either through the website or a therapist locally.

 

CODA meeting could also be a great place to start, and it's donation based.

[Physx]

Gosh you have some strong views. I've been a serial monogamist all my life (39, divorced) but I'm trying multi-dating and I don't believe that having a coffee with more than one man in a week makes me promiscuous! I understand you might not like the idea that someone could be intimate with someone else, but then you talk to people about their morals and boundaries etc. I'm talking to and meeting more than one person but I like to know who I'd need to call should I have an accident so I'm not going to go sleeping with more than one person at once.

 

 

 

I don't think it's realistic to expect that a woman who isn't lonely, damaged or lacking in choice is going to have one date with someone and foresake all others immediately. It takes time to see beyond initial nerves and attempts to impress, and see what someone is actually like. And when I posted about the guy who asked to be exclusive at the end of the first date everyone said RED FLAG. So I think you're in the minority. The world has changed, we either catch up with it or not.

 

 

 

And why do you hold so much store in what one pyschologist said? She's one. If you spend any time with any medical professionals (mental health or otherwise) you'll realise they all disagree with each other about everything!

 

 

 

I think you'd do better meeting people IRL and letting a relationship develop out of friendship. People who are OLD aren't often going to agree with your views.

 

I do understand where you're coming form. That's simply not something about me I ever will change.

 

Dating multiple people at once is what I did as a kid. I broke a lot of hearts doing it, and I learned the hard way it was not who I was. So, people can tell me "it's the norm these days" until they're blue in the face. It will never change my stance on it, but I do understand where you're coming from.

 

I don't immediately expect someone to be like "oh, let's be exclusive, move in together, etc." I am realistic in getting to know them. I just feel it is far more respectful of someone to focus on getting to know them, it doesn't work, move on from there. I know very well that most people don't work like that, which is why I am very clear in my dating profiles that I don't serial date and do not care to date anyone who is.

 

To each his own, but that is just not for me. There is nothing anyone could ever say that would keep me from feeling guilty about dating multiple people at once. That's a value that I know I won't ever change, but I do feel that I have gained some insight from people on here about how to be more realistic and throttle my emotions more in the beginning.

 

If someone has been out on a few dates with me and they are still hopping onto their dating profile regularly, I always will walk away. While I understand because most people are liars and game-players, it is "safer" and "less risky" to date multiple people at once, I personally feel I deserve better than them dating all around town while I'm getting to know them.

 

Here is a thought on that... maybe if the majority weren't dating all over town, there wouldn't be a need to keep a bunch of different options open at once, as everyone wouldn't be spread so thin? A lot of people seem to be justifying serial dating with a logical fallacy called a bandwagon - everyone does it, so it is right. I disagree.

 

I make it quite clear to a woman after the first 2-3 dates that I am focusing on getting to know them and see where things can go with them, and that if they are going to continue to date others, please let me know so I can walk away, as that is not something I care to be a part of. So, I make my boundaries to people clear, and it is certainly not my fault they choose to lie to me to keep me as one of their multiple options. I give them an out right there, yet every time without fail, they claim they aren't a serial dater, to the extent that most even criticize it. So, seems like most are ashamed of it and lie about it, yet do it anyway.

[dramallama]

 

If someone has been out on a few dates with me and they are still hopping onto their dating profile regularly, I always will walk away. While I understand because most people are liars and game-players, it is "safer" and "less risky" to date multiple people at once, I personally feel I deserve better than them dating all around town while I'm getting to know them.

 

 

 

Perhaps the key here is 'a few dates'? I will happily go on first dates with a few people, but I've not yet been on a second / third date with someone while still having first dates with others - I'm open to it though, because I'm someone men will persevere with pursing despite glaring incompatibility because they're thinking with their little head and not their big head. Trying to untangle who is just trying to sleep with you vs. who wants to get to know you properly can be difficult, as players know how to play.